By The Pigskin of Our Teeth: I'm On A Float

This is the first Super Bowl in a long time where I'll be OK with whoever wins. Josh: "Carrie Underwood just arrived off the set of Xanadu." Also, big ups to the folks at Sun Life, whose campaign clearly worked.

We are having some severe technical difficulties here at the office. Not sure how much attention I'll be paying here. The NFC has won the last 13 coin tosses? That's nuts. WE HAVE A DWIGHT FREENEY SIGHTING. Let's see how long this lasts. Has Peyton missed yet? Okay, there's one and that one was knocked away. Hey, a running play. Stover. Good. FUMB- Oh. And yeah, it wouldn't have stood up anyway.

Am I supposed to know who that was in the Motorola ad? I think I am, but I don't.

So the Saints punt and pin the Colts at their own 4, then the Colts proceed to snap off a 96-yard touchdown drive. That's got to be demoralizing. Especially the way the Colts got the touchdown with Garcon running in a straight line and the defense getting crossed up. The Saints have come back with a good drive here, but they need to score. Freeney with the key sack. Still, three's better than nothing.

An entire commercial in auto-tune? Shoot me.

You know what's been missing from this game so far? Deep passes. Seems like all the throws have been short ones. And the few times either team's tried to go deep, it hasn't been there, like when Brees missed Shockey just then. Another time-consuming drive by the Saints, keeping the Colts' offense off the field (even though it didn't work when the Dolphins tried it in Week 2.) Very important series here. That false start won't help. Fourth and GAHHH. That's a potential game-deciding play right there. Brackett and company just blew that one up. On the flip side, they've got the Colts stuck at their own 1. On the flip side of that, the Colts did just snap off a 96-yard touchdown drive and are certainly capable of doing it again in far less time. Except that they won't. Why are they measuring this? He didn't make it. The Saints getting the ball back and scoring before halftime is potentially big - that'll be worth watching as the second half starts.

THE NAME OF THE GROUP ON STAGE. Speaking of that stage, it's making me dizzy. This isn't the smoothest-transitioning medley I've ever heard. Daltrey's voice isn't what it used to be, and I think I remember reading something not too long ago where he himself said that he thought his singing voice was only going to last a couple more years. This was... eh. They're running out of "iconic" rock acts to do this with, aren't they? Makes me think Matt's suggestion of going completely retro and bringing back marching bands to perform at halftime might be the way to go.

An onside kick?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME. There are some truly unspeakable things going on at the bottom of that pile. Things I can't talk about in mixed company, and frankly, things I'm not entirely comfortable discussing with myself. Make a call. MAKE A CALL. Saints ball! Wow. I mean it took them about three minutes to decide. But now they have to pay it off or it's all for naught. I like going to the air here - keeps the Colts even more off-balance than they probably already are. Also, Peyton's still on the sideline. Touchdown! That's the same screen they scored on on their first drive against the Vikings. Ladies and gentlemen, the New Orleans Saints are ahead in the Super Bowl.

That was relatively short-lived. Who says the Colts can't run the ball? Also Dallas Clark wins almost any matchup he's in so the Colts were wise to go back to him also. Is this when the offensive floodgates open? I mean, there are a lot of passes being thrown now, which I'm sure is what we all expected from the start. Another field goal? Hmmm. Not sure about that, but you have to think Hartley's confidence is sky-high after hitting the game-winner in the NFC title game. Plus, the Saints know they have to keep this game as close as they can.

Take a knee. TAKE. A. KNEE. Oh, dear. The 11-yard line? That's just bad. Haven't heard Reggie Wayne's name much tonight. And as soon as I think that, he then catches two straight balls, including that one on 4th and two that he almost dropped. That's a big miss and not really in Stover's range at his age but I'm not sure what else you do there. However, as Simmons pointed out, that kick should have been nine yards shorter.

Man, Brees cannot miss. Jeremy Shockey lives! They're going for two here, right? Wait, so what are they looking at? Oh, I see - when he rolls over the second time, he stretches the ball over the plane before he loses it. This should count. Aaaaand it does.

Just under six minutes. Plenty of time. I'm not sure if it's the Colts who have Wayne locked up on Porter or the Saints who have Porter locked up on Wayne but that well's been running pretty dry tonight. Really, Phil Simms? Why wouldn't you blitz here? The Colts have thrown about two deep balls all game (which I think has been a game planning mistake - test these guys deep down the sidelines. Make them cover you down the field.) HOLY CRAP. Did that actually happen? That's really fantastic coverage and Porter jumped all over it. Here's why I love Phil Simms: "What was I saying? Don't blitz? Well, they sent everybody."

Still, this isn't over by any means. But it will be if the Colts don't at least try a deep ball. There's one! I mean, seriously. They don't need a lot of time to score - we've established this - but they have to use that time better. Well that was kind of dumb. Offensive pass interference? What a time for that. Peyton didn't want to call that time out but it's probably a good thing that he did. Well, this is it. It sure is. OMG right through Wayne's hands. This was, like, the shortest Super Bowl ever. You know what else? The better team won. And make no mistake - the Saints won this game. I had the Saints ranked ahead of the Colts for almost the entire season (granted, it was a 1 vs. 1a deal in the middle of the season) up until they lost. Laissez le bon temps roulez or some such. Butch: "I remember as a kid growing up the Super Bowl was boring. The good ol' days are RIGHT NOW." (Saints 31, Colts 17)

So now that that's over with, let's do something I've never done before and go back and look at some of my preseason predictions:

"SUPER BOWL XLIV: New England over New Orleans (This looks familiar... yeah... these are the teams I picked for the Super Bowl last year, with the same result.)"

Yeah, I had the Saints in the Super Bowl, but losing to the Pats, who I expected to go on a swath after winning 11 games with an untested backup QB and still missing the playoffs the year before. Instead, they traded Richard Seymour, their best defensive player, three weeks before the regular season and failed to replace his production, creating a defense that couldn't stop anyone down the stretch.

"NFC EAST

(1) Philadelphia – Even though I'm terrified by all the turnover and problems on defense, I think I ultimately went this way because Donovan McNabb's a better quarterback than Eli Manning and this looks like a team that can score enough points to overcome its defensive issues, which may well sort themselves out."

I was right about the Birds' explosive offense. I was also right to be concerned about the defense, which got cut up by injuries and defections. They didn't win the division, either. Stupid Raiders.

"(5) N.Y. Giants – The G-Men might actually have the best defense in the league, or at least have the personnel and potential for it. But we saw how one-dimensional their offense became last year when Plaxico shot himself in the foot, and the always-reliable Amani Toomer isn't around anymore either. They're a playoff team, but the young receivers need to develop if they want to think Super Bowl."

Oh boy. The Giants' D completely fell apart under new coordinator Bill Sheridan, giving up 85 points to the Eagles in two games alone. Injuries on the back end didn't help, but a lot of the defensive players regressed badly from last season. A couple of the young receivers did develop: Steve Smith 2.0 became a star and Mario Manningham showed potential as a deep threat.

"Dallas – The Cowboys still have plenty of talent on paper, but they seem to lack heart and discipline and are running out of scapegoats. This could go well, or this could become a disaster, especially with their December schedule; they could lose their last five games (at Giants, San Diego, at New Orleans, at Washington, Philadelphia.)"

As lowly-regarded as Wade Phillips is as a head coach (and still rightly so in many respects), the man's always known defense, and it was the defense that carried the Cowboys to actual wins in December and in the playoffs, even.

"NFC SOUTH

(2) New Orleans – New defensive coordinator Gregg Williams has a reputation for reviving defenses. The offense needs no reviving, and I see Reggie Bush having a big year, which will only help Drew Brees and company."

Yeah, pretty much nailed this one. :)

"(6) Atlanta – I'm fully aware that the Falcons have somehow never had back-to-back winning seasons. Seriously, that seems almost impossible. Despite that, I get a real sense this time that things are different. The Tony Gonzalez trade was good for all parties involved."

QB Matt Ryan's midseason injury probably cost them a chance to make a run at a playoff spot, but they put the kibosh on that no back-to-back winning seasons thing.

"NFC WEST

(4) Seattle – Assuming Matt Hasselbeck stays healthy and their WR corps doesn't get sliced and diced by injuries again, the talent level is about the same as when the Seahawks were ruling this division, Plus..."

Well, this year it was the offensive line that got sliced and diced by injuries. The Seahawks didn't win the division or even come close.

"Arizona – Remember, bad things always happen to the team that loses the Super Bowl. Fortunately, the NFC West is still pretty bad (and the Seahawks are the last Super Bowl loser in recent memory to return to the playoffs the following season). Unfortunately, they've also got the Madden curse working against them, too. Fear – or fear for – Larry Fitzgerald."

How about this? The Cardinals beat both curses and even won a wild-card game. And nothing really happened to Fitz.

"AFC NORTH

(3) Pittsburgh – Same old, same old. The champs lost no one irreplaceable and actually get back second-year runner Rashard Mendenhall to help with the rushing attack."

I'd like to forget I ever said this. The Steelers' D lost Troy Polamalu early and got about five years older overnight. And the offensive line remained a concern. Mendenhall ended up becoming the rushing attack after Willie Parker stopped being "Fast."

"Cleveland – The Browns won't be great, but they might be a little better than people think. Whoever the quarterback is – probably Brady Quinn – needs to hope that Jamal Lewis still has a tank left and that Braylon Edwards can remember how to catch."

I had no idea they'd be as bad as they were. None.

"AFC SOUTH

(5) Tennessee – The Titans ran their way to the best record in the AFC before an inauspicious loss to the Ravens at home in the playoffs. They hope to have added more balance with rookie wideout Kenny Britt (Rutgers~!) and Nate Washington, who's good for at least one 50-yard bomb a game."

Er... no. The Titans inexplicably got off to an 0-5 start before Vince Young was put in at quarterback, and at that point, Chris Johnson started to run into the NFL stratosphere, breaking the 2,000-yard mark

"Houston – The Texans have been the 'team of the future' for about three years now, much like the Cardinals were earlier this decade. If they don't break through this season, I fear they always will be. But they've got a chance to do that with an improving defense to complement Andre Johnson and Steve Slaton. QB Matt Schaub staying upright is paramount."

Schaub stayed upright and led the entire NFL in passing yards and the Texans had their first winning season. But they still can't beat the Colts and won't break through until they do.

"AFC WEST

Oakland – Hey, somebody's got to finish second. (Of course, 'second' could be 6-10.) If Richard Seymour decides to show up, the Raiders' defense becomes not all that bad, but the offense still needs a lot of work and/or talent."

I'm going to come out and say it: JaMarcus Russell is the worst No. 1 overall pick since the merger. Only the Rams scored fewer points. And they still won five games! Imagine if they'd kept Jeff Garcia. The Raiders did benefit from the Patriots' miscalculation and Seymour made a decent defense good.

"Denver – Understand this: I like Kyle Orton. I thought he should have been starting in Chicago all along over Rex and I think he's a guy who can succeed in this league in the right set of circumstances. That said, there is no scenario where I'd rather have him than Jay Cutler. Throw in Brandon Marshall's rampant jackassery and a deceptively brutal schedule – seriously, take a good look at that thing – and this could be catastrophic."

It started out well but absolutely went to pot in the second half of the season. Kind of like last year. Orton was OK. Marshall had his moments (beating Dallas by himself; 21 catches against the Colts) but I don't believe he's long for the Broncos.

FINAL RANKINGS

TOP 4
1. New Orleans (13-3) - That Super Bowl celebration will never be topped. I mean, EVER
2. Indianapolis (14-2) - Poised for another run... we think
3. Minnesota (12-4) - And the Brett Favre watch begins anew
4. (tie) San Diego (13-3) - It's Rivers' team now
4. (tie) N.Y. Jets (9-7) - Forging a new identity?

BOTTOM 4
29. Tampa Bay (3-13) – Trudging forward towards... respectability, I'd imagine
30. Kansas City (4-12) – Transformation into Patriots West continues
31. Detroit (2-14) – At least they don't need a quarterback
32. St. Louis (1-15) – Were actually sold. No, REALLY


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Listening to: Shinedown - Sound Of Madness
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth: B.T.S.I.

A missed field goal inside 40 yards in the playoffs? That's never hap– oh, wait. Actually, the remarkable thing here is that it happened to the Jets this time instead of against them. Wow. Not only did that play-fake fool everybody, but Braylon actually caught the pass. I'm not sure which is more impressive. That quarterback sneak looked as bad as Eli's last-gasp one against the Eagles in last year's playoffs. I'll say it again: Mannings don't make their money with their feet. Whoa, they let Brad Smith throw a pass. They almost scored there – the ball floated a bit and Cotchery couldn't get clear of the defender. The Jets have gotten pretty much everything they could have wanted so far – they've hit a few big plays and kept the Colts out of the end zone. Let's see if it lasts. And there's a turnover! IF the Jets can get six here it might be time to get concerned. But they don't, and that's a big hold by the Colts defense. See, here's the problem the Jets face: As good as Revis is, he can't cover four people at once, and Peyton's just not even looking in his direction any more no matter where he is. Beautiful. The DB there just mis-timed his jump and Collie caught it in stride. Touchdown! That was big.

It'll be interesting to see what happens now that Greene's down – Thomas Jones is no slouch, but they've really been riding Greene during this run. I don't know if I would have tried a field goal there, but it's really no man's land in that spot – the Colts' 34 is too close to punt, but fourth-and-7 is probably too far to go for it. Nantz points out that the two Jets wearing casts couldn't wrap Addai up. Have the Colts run the ball since his fumble? I'm not sure. And, seemingly inevitably, the Colts take the lead. Rex is hot about something. Oh, that's what – Sanchez just got blindsided. You know who's having a good day is the Colts' punter. Wayne was lucky to fall on that one. The Colts need a touchdown here. And thanks to the Jets' coverage issues, they're going to get it. How does Dallas Clark, of all people, get that open there? It really almost isn't worth betting against Peyton Manning at this point. (Colts 30, Jets 17)

Earplugs? Pansies. The Vikings are starting out doing what the Cowboys tried to do to them last week, which is worth noting somehow. Nice hole for Peterson to run through when they finally got around to running. Sweet cutback to the inside by Pierre Thomas on the screen pass. Ouch! Favre took a shot there. Throw a flag! It was after a handoff, for crying out loud. This is gonna be one of those games, isn't it? Bush plucked that one out of the air, didn't he? Hey, Reggie, you know that deal you allegedly made with Kim? You sure you want to be doing things like that? That is... yeah, he's got that. I don't even know who the Saints' nominal starters at wide receiver are and it really doesn't matter, thinking about it. Favre is taking some serious hits. Things have slowed down somewhat. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU. There's at least three points down the drain. That's a big return to open the second half. David Thomas hasn't gotten this much run ever. What, again? If I'm Brad Childress, I'm putting in a call to Tom Coughlin to find out how he fixed Tiki's fumbling problem. Because this can be solved, and it's going to have to be solved. That's more like it. Seriously, Favre is getting his ass kicked out there. A high-low shot? Is he all right?

Of course he's coming back in. Whatever Peterson's got is apparently contagious. Oh, I see – that last spin Bush made as he got hit turned him around so that he could stick the ball over the pylon. Now BERRIAN'S fumbling? Unbelievable. Can anybody here hold on to the ball? All of a sudden the Saints can't cover Shiancoe. Try holding on to this one, Adrian. And we're tied. Two minutes, 37 seconds left. Your move, Brett. Twelve men in the huddle? Really, Vikings? Really? And after a time out, to boot? Now they're out of field goal range – or, at least, 2010 NFL Playoffs field goal range. GOOD GOD FAVRE WHAT ARE YOU DOING. And Aikman immediately says, “That's the first thing they teach you is not to do that.” Much like Nick Harper in 2006, if Porter cuts in the opposite direction of where he did cut, he's gone. Overtime! And this could conceivably go on for days. Having Thomas return this kickoff when he didn't return any of the others in this game – or, for that matter, this year (he was the kickoff returner last year) shows you how important this one is. I don't know about that pass interference call. Pierre needs to get a tighter hold on the ball if he's going to go airborne like that. Hasn't he been watching the game? Yes, Mark Brunell is still alive. You might not have known that before now. It's GOOD!

In 2001, Kevin Nash tore his bicep during a WWF wrestling match. About eight months later, on his first night back from that injury, he was in a 10-man tag team match and he blew out his knee. I was reminded of this while watching Favre take hit after hit after hit (and not actually get sacked once!) and said the same thing I said back then: This is a sign from God. He's telling you to stop. Nash didn't listen, and he's been doing the same thing over and over again since then. And Favre's last three seasons have ended with two interceptions and an illegal forward pass penalty.

Or, put more simply: Brett Favre IS who we THOUGHT HE WAS. (Saints 31, Vikings 28, OT)

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Listening to: Talking Heads - Life During Wartime
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth: Laces Out

This happened last week, right? No? Oh, not right away. Gotcha. I believe this is 82 consecutive drives where the Cardinals' defense hasn't forced a punt. (Slight exaggeration. Also I'm not about to use a hash tag in a blog.) FOX ran five replays of the last three plays and I still don't think they every figured out what actually happened to Shockey's leg. Man, DRC and Rolle out? This could get ugly if the Saints score again. Right on cue! I guarantee that whoever just ate the business end of Reggie Bush's shoulder wasn't expecting it. Nice spin move afterward. Oh, a Saints punt. They called roughing the passer for that? Weaksauce. Though it's a potential game-changer because if the Saints get the ball back and score another touchdown, this game's over. And yes, I know the second quarter just started. Is Boldin playing? Because the Cards don't seem to need him. We've got a game here. Or not. CHICANERY~~~~! That's a clean hit. Standard-issue body check. Dude didn't leave his feet or anything. The Cardinals' defense can't stop anything right now. Another touchdown. Matt Leinart lives! I see Rackers still has the shakes. Warner's back, but why? On the opposite side of the spectrum, why punt here? It's the playoffs! You gotta win! And so much for that after Bush runs that one back. The Saints are calling off the dogs now. Was that a tight end reverse? (Saints 45, Cardinals 14)

One important difference is that the rest enabled the Colts to heal up, except for Viniatieri, who's inactive but still stashed on the roster. The Colts' engine is humming. Anyone else think the Ravens are throwing too much? This team is absolutely not equipped to get into a shootout. Still, both defenses have held up very well so far, so the Ravens could do this if they get a big play and can hold on to their edge. Hey, that's the same terrible play Belichick called on fourth and 2. I don't care if it worked. This Colts drive feels like it's lasted about two hours. Eight minutes? OK. Touchdown. What was the flag on Lewis about? He didn't get there late, did he? I couldn't tell. Did the Colts just score again? That took about nine seconds. The Ravens are hurting themselves with flags – is this the first game again? GARCON! PUNCH! This IS the first game again. Friends, I've watched a lot of football for a long time, and I can't remember ever seeing one player lose two interceptions on the same drive. Hey, another successful field goal. How does Rice let himself get chased down by a defensive tackle? (By the way, that Rice-Brock meetup? Rutgers vs. Temple.) That couldn't have been a comfortable landing. Next! (Colts 20, Ravens 3)

I find it interesting that the Cowboys are coming out throwing the ball. FUMBLE. AGAIN. Really, Wade? You're gonna try a 48-yard field goal on fourth and 1 from the opposing 30 with a bad kicker? shakes head Why is a linebacker covering Sidney Rice? I have to think that the offensive line's struggles over the last month of the regular season are at least somewhat responsible for Peterson's struggles at the same time. Seems like it can't be a coincidence and it isn't being talked about. Speaking of things that aren't being talked about, has anyone seen Roy Williams? (Here's a fun stat: You know who had more catches than Roy this season? Michael Crabtree. In four fewer games.) It's the Sidney Rice show! And again a linebacker ended up chasing him. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Well that was a bit after the whistle. Man, Dallas is completely reverting to playoff form here – confused quarterback, overmatched offensive line, defensive support players coming up small. This couldn't have happened last week? I mean, I'm still enjoying it, but really. Okay, I'm gonna go outside and practice my placekicking. This'll keep. Yes, I know it's raining. That's even better. Adverse conditions and all that. This isn't even an isolated playoff phenomenon. This has been going on for the last month. Man, Edwards was crushing fools before he got hurt. Sidney Rice again! That'll be that, I suppose. Okay, that last touchdown? Unnecessary. But... really, Keith Brooking? Really? That's the closest you've gotten to Favre all day, by the way. I'm hopelessly biased, but that little display, in a nutshell, is why the Cowboys are so universally despised. Bunch of arrogant tools who turn into whiny babies when things don't go their way and have the biggest sense of entitlement outside of South Bend. I award them no points, and may God have mercy on our souls. (Vikings 34, Cowboys 3)

Three domed stadiums and San Diego. JANUARY FOOTBALL. GAH. Nate Kaeding's in the Pro Bowl this year, too, which makes that miss even more maddening. Chargers are committing a lot of little crap penalties. This feels like exactly the kind of game the Jets want. As good as Revis is, I still feel compelled to ask why defensive backs haven't gotten taller to match up with all the tall receivers in the league now. Though someone should have been watching Wilson. This'll be a close review – it's the kind of break the Jets'll need to get if it holds. But it doesn't. Ah well. The Jets are running Shonn Greene into the ground. Holy crap, Braylon caught a pass! Seriously, this game is right there for the Jets to steal if they can hit something... but the Jammer pick's not gonna help matters. The Revis pick might. That's a clutch punt. That may be the break the Jets were looking for. More stupid Chargers penalties. Touchdown Jets? Touchdown Jets! What's going on here? The Chargers almost gave that one away too. No one's really played that well for the home side. GREENE WITH THE DAGGER! Are the Jets going to the AFC championship game? The Jets are going to the AFC championship game. I'm going to repeat this because it bears repeating: Nate Kaeding is a PRO BOWL KICKER. THIS YEAR. And he might be out of work the following Monday. This right here is the Bolts' last chance. Wait, what's this flag? Jackson kicked the challenge flag? That's Raider-esque. Also I don't think the Chargers have called a running play since the first quarter. All right, we'll count the sneak. OK, why did the Chargers onside kick at that point? They were gonna get the ball back. We haven't seen much of Thomas Jones today. There he is! This should never have happened. Butch: “Rooting for the Chargers is like being in love with a stripper.” On the other side, I had the Jets dead and buried three weeks ago. (Jets 17, Chargers 14)

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Listening to: Company of Thieves - Pressure
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth: The Wild Card Grind

This may not be a catch. Hang on. Nope. And the Bengals score two plays later anyway. Cotchery returns punts? Did I not know that? I guess it makes sense with Leon Washington out with a broken freaking leg. Yeah, I didn't think Shonn Greene was that fast either. The Bengals are stuttering in fits and starts. Sanchez really hasn't taken any chances yet. Until THAT. Jay Feely having to punt because the punter's sick is throwing me off. Was that a quick kick? Benson's the only Bengals offensive player to show up today really. GAH. Come on, Shayne Graham. Thirty-five yards? Hey, Braylon with a catch. That touchdown just might seal this the way the Bengals have been going offensively – they're not really built to play from behind anyway and the Jets have bottled up their passing game. I stand corrected? Benson is carrying this team. And now the Jets come right back and start chewing up clock. Really, Marvin? A field goal from the 11 down by 10 points? Graham missed again? What's going on here? That guy's good. Huh. Rex was right. How about that. (Jets 24, Bengals 14)

Uh-oh... the Cowboys are opening up big running lanes just like last week. Not a good sign. That's a key sack. The timeout on the punt is barely worthy of mention. John Phillips? Who is John Phillips? I don't know what the future holds for Michael Vick football-wise but I'll say this: He's still got a big-time arm. He gunned that pass to Maclin. The Cowboys are running through the Eagles like Snapple. Conversely, it'd be nice if the Eagles called more than one running play on every drive. This is what got them into trouble last week. Can we get a stop one time? I think McNabb overthrew Jackson on that same pattern last week too. Seriously, ONE TIME. The Cowboys have scored on five straight possessions. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. And there's another one. This was an average defense that suddenly went bad in the last month. I feel like no progress was made on this drive even though they got from inside their own 20 to midfield. They're not going to catch Felix Jones. The only two guys who might are on the Eagles sideline and in Tennessee. This game is taking forever and it's not just because the Eagles are getting beat down. Me, just before the end of the third quarter, which was just before 11: “Are we gonna get this?” Well that was too little, too late. At least we know it still works. Okay, the Cowboys calling nothing but runs now will speed up the agony. Eight minutes? I fear for the future if the Cowboys have finally figured it out. (Cowboys 34, Eagles 14)

RAY RICE IS THE GREATEST SCARLET KNIGHT OF ALL TIME. I realize it's not that long a list but beggars can't be choosers. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Another one? Wow, who'd have thought Tom Brady would have the worst performance of any quarterback in the wild-card round? There are people still sitting down (long lines at the hot lobster roll stands, to be sure) and it's 14-0. Who is Sam Aiken and why is he playing a semi-prominent role? I feel like that's part of the problem. Now we've got some foolishness on this punt. Wow, the Ravens could've won a challenge there. A touchdown here is either great or backbreaking, depending on your perspective. And there it is. Jebus. Twenty-four? Did I wake up in an alternate universe or something? Seriously, this doesn't happen to the Patriots. Has Flacco thrown a pass yet? Oh, OK, it's just no wide receiver has caught one yet. That's fine. Hey, the Pats scored. Hey, a Randy Moss sighting. That's a risky play by Flacco stretching the ball out like that with a defender closing in. I don't know if they'll get this or not. WOW. That's as close as it gets, friends. Four rushing touchdowns? And here I thought the Ravens' offense would be the only one in the playoffs the Patriots could stop. Not only has that not been the case, but Baltimore hasn't had to go through the air. They're kicking a field goal? Really, Belichick? Down 19 points with seven minutes left? Way to wave the white flag. And then he misses to boot. Is that a playoff beard Ed Reed's sporting? That's the long version. The short version would have been to copy the Cowboys-Eagles recap and just replace all the names where appropriate, because the only difference between the Eagles and Pats right now is nobody's talking about getting rid of Tom Brady. (Ravens 33, Patriots 14)

BARCAAAAAAAAA. (Tenerife 0, Barcelona 5)

No Boldin? That's big. Turnover on the first play? That's bigger. Dockett and Watson in the backfield on the touchdown? That's massive. Didn't we JUST see this? Maybe 'no Boldin' isn't that big after all. This is not a team you want to get in a big hole against when it's firing on all cylinders and you can't get out of your own way. Well, the Packers finally get a break with Fitz's fumble; let's see what happens. That is a much-needed touchdown. But the Packers didn't need to give up one immediately afterward. So, wait now – if the horse-collar call on Dockett stopped the clock, why couldn't the Packers run another play there? Strange. Has every big Cardinals pass play been in the middle of the field or does it just seem like it? Onside kick! PLAYOFFS. Thing is, now they have to go for it on fourth down here to pay off the onside kick. Got it! We've got a game now that the Cardinals' defense also appears to have left the premises. A stop! We've had a stop! Alert the media. There's another touchdown down the middle of the field for the Cardinals. Michael Adams is getting used and abused. Good Lord the Packers tied it up again. There's too much time left. The way this game's been going, 15 seconds would be too much time left. He MISSED?!?! How do you miss from 34 yards? That wasn't even close. We have seen some good kickers perpetrate some felonious acts this weekend. I mean, Rackers and Shayne Graham aren't Doug Brien and Kris Brown. Coin toss goes to the Packers, so this should be over soon. Ohhh... Rogers missed Jennings long for the game-winner there. Fumble! Are we sure? Wait, did... it kicked off of Rodgers' foot! It never hit the ground! Unbelievable.

So what about the face mask? Courtesy of Mike and Mike: Peter King tweeted that the official watching that play is tasked to watch the ball and only the ball if it comes loose, so he's not paying attention to see if there's any contact like that. But here's what I'm wondering: Could they have called anything because Adams knocked the ball out first? Like how a kicker's fair game if a rusher gets a piece of the ball first? Would the same thing apply here? Or would it just be an incidental face mask (which doesn't exist anymore)? Back to the game. How about this: Warner had more touchdown passes (5) than incompletions (4). Warner had as many incompletions as Flacco had completions. That's just sick. And he's gonna retire? Really? (Cardinals 51, Packers 45, OT)

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 17: Hours of Reckoning

Signal Finder: PIT @ MIA, NYG @ MIN, CHI @ DET (end) (Really, Fox? Really?), PHI @ DAL, BAL @ OAK, KC @ DEN (end), WSH @ SD (end)

Godspeed, Isaac Bruce. “The St. Louis Rams are now on the clock.” (49ers 28, Rams 6)

In the AFC, 64 possible playoff combinations remain, and they all start here. OMG Pat White's dead. I'd also like to know what universe that's a clean hit in. What? Oh, wow, a Dolphins player landed on Ben's outstretched arm. Oh, the shoulder's not supposed to bend like that. This can't happen again, can it? Yeah, it might not, actually. Bad throw by Thigpen. Is Ben coming back out? Yes he is. And he's throwing passes to boot for some reason? Is this wise? That first-down run by Parker was a killer. crosses off Dolphins Yeah, that's a hold, Hines. One domino down, about 29 to go. (Steelers 30, Dolphins 24)

Are... are the Browns trying to save Eric Mangini's job? (Browns 23, Jaguars 17)

Ah, jeez. Welker's done and he knows it. Nice pass coverage on the first Texans touchdown. Okay, Bill, so why did you put Brady back into the game? You want to explain that one? Bernard Pollard lives! If you can tell me which of the other playoff teams the Patriots can stop, I'd love to know. I mean, this kid off the street for the Texans has three touchdowns now. And now Hoyer's back in when they're trailing? I think Belichick's legitimately losing it. Congrats on the winning season, Texans. Your next order of business should be to end Kris Brown's employment, because he may have cost you a playoff spot. (Texans 34, Patriots 27)

If you're a Giants fan, you should be very angry right now because your team has completely given up. (Vikings 44, Giants 7)

Are you seeing these highlights? Last year with the wind and now this? I feel like this was a winnable game for the Colts if Curtis Painter was even slightly better than putrid. (Bills 30, Colts 7)

Congrats to the Falcons! Back-to-back winning seasons for the first time ever. (Falcons 20, Buccaneers 10)

Hey, a Billy Volek sighting! Actual ESPN.com comment: “Jim Zorn will be fired so fast, Mike Shanahan will be the one shaking Norv Turner's hand when the game is over.” (Chargers 23, Redskins 20)

Seriously, if you let the Chiefs drop 44 on you in your house, you NEED to lose. I feel like we've seen this before. crosses off Broncos (Chiefs 44, Broncos 24)

Think Nantz and Simms thought they'd be here on Week 17? This game was blacked out in the Bay Area. Willis McGahee lives! Ska: “Down by eight with three minutes left, and you PUNT? Worthless.” To be fair, JaMarcus Russell is their quarterback. crosses off Steelers (Ravens 21, Raiders 13)

That screen's right out of the Eagles' playbook. That wasn't a good throw by McNabb and yet it still went right through Maclin's hands. Bad snap! You figured that would happen with a new center. Donovan didn't get it back? Crap. I thought he fell on it. The Eagles are squandering the opportunities the Cowboys weren't even getting a year ago. Getting a stop would help, as would cutting out the penalties. Aikman pointing out that the Eagles are blitzing less than usual makes me wonder: If that means they're sitting back in more coverage, who are they actually covering? Me, Week 1: “...I'm terrified by all the turnover and problems on defense.” Boy is that coming to fruition right now. Credit where it's due, though – everything the Cowboys are doing is working. When did Anthony Spencer stop sucking? The big screen going out would have felt more appropriate had the score been reversed. All I can think about right now is that the Eagles wouldn't be in this mess if they'd beaten the freaking Raiders. Again, I blame Antonio Pierce. They can't play this badly next week, right? As for the Cowboys, things might actually be different this time. And God help us all if they are. (Cowboys 24, Eagles 0)

Will the last person to leave please dig up Jimmy Hoffa? Thank you. (Jets 37, Bengals 0)

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. San Diego (13-3) – When did Norv finally learn how to coach?

2. Indianapolis (14-2) – Getting healthy

3. Dallas (11-5) – Suddenly scary... at least until the playoffs actually start

4. New Orleans (13-3) – That certainly didn't help matters

(tie) Philadelphia (11-5) – Oh, that hurt

(tie) Minnesota (12-4) – Effectively got two weeks off

BOTTOM 4

29. Tampa Bay (3-13) – That's about right

30. Kansas City (4-12) – Made right choice with Jamaal Charles

31. Detroit (2-14) – At least they don't need a quarterback

32. St. Louis (1-15) – So many holes, so little time

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 16: Feeding the Beast

There was a game tonight? Oh. (Chargers 42, Titans 17)

Signal Finder: BAL @ PIT, CAR @ NYG, TB @ NO (OT), DEN @ PHI

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. The Ravens are getting flagged like they're the Raiders. Oh! How does Mason drop that?! Seriously, this is ridiculous – that one just knocked them out of field goal range. Why is Ben throwing deep? Another penalty? Of course it's on Walker – he's secretly terrible. Two straight sacks to end all hope. How depressing, and in retrospect, the Suggs penalty that wiped out Foxworth's interception return for a touchdown may have ended up costing the Ravens the game. Also, the Steelers held their opponent scoreless in the fourth quarter! Stop the presses. If you're a Ravens fan, you should be a little worried – that game in Oakland next week is hardly a lock at this point. Ask the guys on the other sideline. Better yet, ask me. grumbles (Steelers 23, Ravens 20)

Three incompletions for Brady against the Jaguars after throwing only two incompletions against them during the 2007 undefeated run. Yeah, I don't know either. crosses off Jaguars (Patriots 35, Jaguars 7)

Nice to see Nick Folk get work again so soon. Oh, wait, that's not... oh. OHHHHH. And now is the time for the Buccaneers to give the ball exclusively to Cadillac because the Saints can't stop him. You rarely see an overtime drive go like this with one team just running at will down the field. You know Tampa's beaten two playoff teams? And they're talking about dumping Morris after one year when they had to know they were going to be bad? They're nuts, right? (Buccaneers 20, Saints 17, OT)

I would not have done what Jim Caldwell did when Jim Caldwell did it. Only a five-point lead against a desperate team that's got a little bit of crazy in it and has held you down so far? Actual AP Line: “The Jets needed five things to happen and they all did.” It was 15-10 when the Colts' starters were pulled. The Jets then scored 19 unanswered points. I guess that means that Peyton Manning is also the Colts' best defensive player. (Jets 29, Colts 15)

You know who got the biggest ovation? Westbrook. Help me out here: if it's a backwards pass, it's treated as a lateral and it doesn't matter that it hit the ground? Is that how it works? Dumervil has become a monster in the Broncos' new 3-4 defense. Wait, they're tossing Stokley? For what? Ohhhhh. That was completely unintentional but there's no give whatsoever on that rule. This... isn't gonna work. I'm not sure if it made the broadcast but on the radio report Dawkins was pointing to himself after the Celek touchdown. You know who doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot is Brandon Marshall. I said this to my dad also: I still maintain that pass interference penalties would be cut in half if defenders just turned around. Nice catch, Avant. I think the Broncos broke into the Eagles' locker room at halftime and stole all their defensive plays. Hey, guys, how about wrapping up Gaffney instead of just putting a hit on him and hoping he falls down on his own? I don't think Macho Harris should return kickoffs any more. There's been some horrific punting in this game. Wow, McNabb's gonna get the first down here. And finally a good punt by Rocca. McNabb's run was huge, as it completely turned the field position around. Did he catch that? He caught that. You can see Reid mouth “One second” there. It's GOOD. Also not going unnoticed: the Broncos might be doing it again. (Eagles 30, Broncos 27)

Thanks for showing up, Redskins! (Cowboys 17, Redskins 0)

The Vikings do know there's a game tonight, right? Geez. Meanwhile the Bears actually look like an NFL offense for more than two consecutive plays. Not a fan of the time management at the end of the first half – they could have buried the Vikings there with a touchdown. The Vikings can't even get seven points out of a touchdown, and then they can't cover the kickoff. This could end very, very badly, especially since the Bears came back and scored in about three plays. This Aromashodu kid's having a big night. Don't look now, but the Vikings are grinding their way back into this thing. It's tied? Really? Are you kidding me with that kickoff return? And it's about the third one to boot and Hester's hurt tonight, so he hasn't been in on any of them. It's one thing for Kurt Warner to do this to a good defense. But Matt Moore and now Jay Cutler? That's a little ridiculous. I love the spin on that stat about how Favre's never led a comeback from being down more than 17 points like it happens every day. Did the Bears really call a time out right after the Vikings did? What is this, the NBA? And after all that, why was Rice not double-teamed? It's like the Jets against Gonzalez last week: you know where the ball's going; put a man in front of him. Now if the Vikings can cover this kickoff we'll have overtime, but that's been a problem tonight. Think Childress'll try to pull Favre here to protect him? Gould missed? That's rare. Peterson fumbled? That's... less rare. TOUCHDOWN! I feel like this was the Bears getting a small but meaningful amount of payback for all the times Favre has beaten them down in their house over the years. (Bears 36, Vikings 30, OT)

FANTASY REPORT

I went out with not one whimper, but three:

aPaFL: An uninspired loss to Brian relegates me to sixth place. Congrats to Johnny, who will represent our side in the Bacardi Bowl after winning our league playoffs as a 6-7 No. 7 seed (!)

JackSux6: Indeed. After getting knocked into the consolation final, I leave 59 points on the bench in McNabb and Sproles and lose... by 54. I will now light myself on fire.

Lincoln Continentals: Another big loss, this time in the consolation game. Such promising starts, such disappointing ends. Now I know what the Giants feel like.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. San Diego (12-3) – SING THE SONG

2. Indianapolis (14-1) – Just might beat Buffalo anyway with all backups

3. Philadelphia (11-4) – As usual, surging late

4. New Orleans (11-4) – Desperately need Sedrick Ellis back

BOTTOM 4

29. Washington (4-11) – Has basically packed it in

30. Kansas City (3-12) – Still bad, but at least under-the-radar bad

31. Detroit (2-13) – Well, it's better than last year

32. St. Louis (1-14) – No Jackson, no chance

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 15: Blizzard of Confusion

Has Peyton missed yet? No? Oh. The Jaguars are hanging in there but they don't want to play this game like this – they'd have been much happier with a repeat of the pace of the 14-12 opener. Is Cox the Jaguars' best corner? Because I'd think you'd want to have your best corner on Reggie Wayne and the Colts have been exploiting that matchup all night. Like that. Peyton f'n Manning. I mean, this is how Colts-Jaguars always ends. (Colts 35, Jaguars 31)

Wow. The absolute last team you'd have expected to pull this off, given its history, did. In the Superdome, no less. Which will only make it the funniest thing ever if the Cowboys lose to Washington next week. (Cowboys 24, Saints 17)

Signal Finder: SF @ PHI (nope; maybe later), ATL @ NYJ (coverage expanded), NE @ BUF (swapped in), SF @ PHI (sure, how 'bout now?) CIN @ SD (broadcast rules now prevent it), GB @ PIT (well, just the end now)

And thus, we now get a win-or-piss-off game here at the Meadowlands. What? The Falcons are already eliminated? Whatever then. The amount of red zone fail in this game has been off the charts. How does no one stand in front of Gonzalez there? You know he's getting the ball. You've got three guys on him. How are they all behind him? Strange. crosses off Jets (Falcons 10, Jets 7)

Josh's postgame Facebook status: “I was OK, I was at peace with the fact that the Dolphins' season was over and then they had to go and force overtime and lose the game a second time. THAT was a bit annoying.” (Titans 27, Dolphins 24, OT)

You know who's good is Jamaal Charles. Larry who? There's a move the Chiefs don't regret. Didn't we just see this? For once, I agree with Deion: Pay the man his money. Here's how bad Brady Quinn is: Three hours from now, Matt Forte – who also isn't very good – will have rushed for more yards than Quinn threw for today (69 to 66). Seriously, how does your team score 41 points and you can't claim to have contributed to any of them? (Browns 41, Chiefs 34)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Cardinals 31, Lions 24

You just never get a feeling until after the first score, regardless of who gets it. Nineteen yards? Please. Jackson's caught longer touchdowns in his sleep. Really, Andy? Why are you doing that? Help me understand. Way to bail out your coach, defense. Moose: “Thank you, Shelton!” Kevin Curtis lives! And gets a nice cheer after that catch. Is McNabb gonna make it? He made it! Gore's broken off a few too many big runs for my taste. You know who we haven't heard a lot from today is Vernon Davis, which is a good sign when you consider how tight ends have killed the Eagles all year. Well, that'll be that. PLAYOFFS. (Eagles 27, 49ers 13)

And now for the end of the game we were all supposed to see before the Apocalypse happened. All right, Mike Tomlin. I like you and everything but what's this onside kick about? Holy crap it almost worked. Except now you've given your defense that's been lit up all night no margin for error... and that's what happens when you do that. Of course, now the Packer are playing a prevent and we all know the saying that goes with that. This ending seems... familiar. (Steelers 37, Packers 36)

Hey, you know all those AFC teams I've crossed off the last two weeks? Not so fast, my friends! You kind of wonder how the Raiders would have fared had they held on to Jeff Garcia and made him the starter. I'm pretty sure he could have pulled out two more wins. (Raiders 20, Broncos 19)

So here's how NBC ended up getting stuck with this sure-to-be dog of a game: CBS and FOX both get to protect one of their games from being flexed. The obvious choice – Bengals-Chargers – CBS held onto like grim death. The second-obvious choice – Packers-Steelers – FOX kept but moved to its doubleheader Game 2 slot. The result? We get to watch Matt Moore all night. PRO TIP: When you try to tackle Adrian Peterson, make sure he stops moving. Favre is getting used and abused. How about adjusting the pass protection? Anyone? Is Steve Smith trying to win this game by himself? Sure seems like it. And we really haven't heard anything from A.P. since that touchdown. Man, the Panthers are manhandling the Vikings. Surprising. The Cardinals didn't beat them down like this two weeks ago. RULES AND REGULATIONS. (Panthers 26, Vikings 7)

Eli just picked those guys apart on that opening drive. That was masterful. Imagine I just said that again. And again. Wait, what? Really? You're going back to the Swinging Gate after only a month? And using the same freeze-out trick you did the first time as well? That was Doomed To Failure. There's a reason Andy only onside kicks to start the game every couple of years. This is like Morimoto against the Ohta faction (with the Davis TD being the faction's only win, natch.) Johnny: “We could coach the Skins.” Bruce Allen couldn't have been a fan of this. (Giants 45, Redskins 12)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL: Into the consolation bracket we go, and we beat Gunslinger Mentality to get into the fifth-place game.

JackSux 6: So, yeah. I lost by 1.96 points despite leaving 40 points on the bench in the form of Reggie Wayne and Beanie Wells. But I'm not sure if that's more to blame than the -3 I got from the Steelers 'defense'. It's me against Johnny in the third-place game for at least the second time.

Lincoln Continentals: I got absolutely crushed by the Mustangs, who got 333 points from the Browns' defense and special teams.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. Indianapolis (14-0) – It's how they roll

2. San Diego (11-3) – Big win over Bengals just the latest

3. New Orleans (13-1) – Injuries help end perfect season

4. Minnesota (11-3) – Another December swoon for Favre?

BOTTOM 4

29. Tampa Bay (2-12) – Winning the battle of who could care less

30. Detroit (2-12) – Culpepper not helping own cause

31. Cleveland (3-11) – Only entertaining against equally incompetent opponents

32. St. Louis (1-13) – So many needs and only one No. 1 overall pick