By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Road Cooking

If this were a regular season game, Ron Pitts and John Lynch would be calling it. I mean, it's hard to bury a playoff game but NBC almost did it. There's an inauspicious beginning. The Seahawks were fortunate to only give up three there — they can thank Bush for that drop. Tipped pass gets picked? It's getting worse. Lawyer Milloy's still alive? This is a key sequence for the Seahawks because every game they've lost this season they've lost big and ugly, and they need to get something here to stay in this one. Julius Jones? Julius Jones, making Seahawks fans everywhere hate him even more. Poor Roman Harper. First getting run down by Sam Bradford and now this. Again John Carlson gets wide open — the Saints cover tight ends like the Eagles. Brandon Stokley's still alive? Are... are the Seahawks ahead? At halftime? It's only four points; this can't last. Well, now it's 11 points. The Saints have become completely one-dimensional here on offense and they've been nothing short of awful on defense. My God this stadium is loud. Where is Bush, anyway? Bad unnecessary roughness penalty on Clemons. You can't make it easy for the Saints at this point in the game — two touchdowns is nothing to these guys. Julius Jones scores again. Three straight passes, Seahawks? Here's where the Saints having almost no running game really works against them: Thomas or Ivory gets a touchdown there instead of having to kick a 21-yard field goal. O. M. G. That's what Marshawn Lynch calls BEAST MODE, which in my mind's eye looks something like this:



Seriously, that may be the greatest thing he's ever done. Tracy Porter took that stiff-arm like he was a door flying off an exploding car. I'm trying to decide what's more impressive: the 60 pass attempts for Brees or the zero interceptions. This isn't over yet! Really, Sean Payton? A two-point conversion try to stay in a playoff game and you send an ice-cold DeShawn Wynn up the middle? THE KINGS ARE DEAD. LONG LIVE THE... well, let's not get carried away. Even though the Seahawks played their best game in about three years (and the Saints arguably their worst), we all know the real reason they won:

The Madden Curse works in mysterious ways. (Seahawks 41, Saints 36)

THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL. Rex should probably see a professional about that. Let's remember also that the Colts were the No. 3 seed when they won their last Super Bowl. Hey, they got across midfield. There's a development. GARCON! Sanchez should stop throwing to Dustin Keller... it has yet to end well. Aaaand there's an interception in the end zone on another try to Keller to end the half. What a waste that was. At least they get the ball to start the second half. There you go, Keller. If anyone knows anything about beating the Colts in the playoffs, it's LDT. Is Reggie Wayne being triple-teamed or something? I haven't heard his name called all night. (Aside: Wayne was one of the candidates for the Madden 11 cover. Had he won, we would have had the Super Bowl loser on the Madden cover and there's a non-zero chance he'd be dead right now.) Were there really only three possessions in the third quarter? There's Tomlinson again. Ooooh, Peyton and Blair White (?!) couldn't connect and that would have given them a chance to ice it. REAL KICKERS DO REAL THINGS. So do real kickoff returners — that was big. Why did the Colts call time out? Did you see Peyton's face when they announced it? He looked like someone had just told him the Earth was flat. Seriously, why did they do that? That just gave the Jets more time to get closer for a kick that Nick Folk can actually make. I've been hard on Braylon in the past but he's actually had a good year not dropping the football. Nick Folk... does real kicker things? (Jets 17, Colts 16)

Ah, Arrowhead. It's been too long. Eric Berry's already flying all around the field. Ray Rice's absence on that third and goal from the 1-foot line was... odd. There's a fumble and Flacco just has to do a better job protecting the ball. This defense isn't catching Jamaal Charles. From what little I've seen from the Chiefs these days, the biggest differences between this year and last are not only vastly improved team speed (I remember remarking how slow they were when they played the Eagles and Giants on back-to-back weeks last year) and the light going on for a few other guys. OK, there's Rice. Todd Heap has been running wild in this game. Chiefs are going for it here? Fourth and one and you call a toss play? Really? No wonder Charlie Weis is leaving. This is starting to get out of hand. Terrible interception by Cassel and that might be the end of it. His arm is coming forward. The Arrowhead PA is playing "Tell Me Something Good" during the challenge. It worked! At least something did. Kevin Curtis is still alive? I mean, not that it matters, but it's nice to know in the end. (Ravens 30, Chiefs 7)

This feels... familiar. Well, at least it did up until Akers... missed the field goal? That doesn't happen. Tom Crabtree? Who is Tom Crabtree? And along the same lines, when did the Packers finally find a running game? This could be dangerous if this keeps up. Did McCoy roll onto DeSean's leg? Oh boy. And here's another unsettling development: The Packers are continuing to run the ball. Why were they wasting their time with Brandon Jackson all year with this Starks guy sitting in cold storage? Also, what's with all the drops? James Jones could have ended this game before halftime if he'd hung on to that one. It looks like Arkansas in the Sugar Bowl out there. FUMBLE. Michael Vick throws darts. We've got a game finally. Speaking of Brandon Jackson, that was a good job by him on the touchdown to not get tackled while waiting for his blockers to catch up. Akers missed AGAIN?! That's a bad omen. Is Starks the new Antowain Smith? Seriously. Go for it! You've got no choice now! When all else fails, run the sneak with Vick. Go for two! Yes! Wait, what? He stepped out of bounds? Oh, Celek. It really hasn't been a good year at all, has it. Wait... why are they lining up again? What just happened here? (Seriously, I missed the explanation for this, so if anyone's got it, I'd be much obliged.) Vick's limping again. Oh man, if Kolb has to come in, that would just complete the circle, wouldn't it? Oh, this doesn't look good... and it ends just like that. Look, I had the Eagles 8-8 at best and finishing last. This is gravy. Well, garlic butter, as I've never been a gravy fan. But you see my point. (Packers 21, Eagles 16)

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Final Eliminations

Signal Finder: PIT @ CLE, TB @ NO, OAK @ KC (most of second half); DAL @ PHI

Four weeks ago I was saying that Eric Mangini should get some Coach of the Year votes. He hasn't won a game since. Ummmm... I think Polamalu can sit back down now. (Steelers 41, Browns 9)

CRAZINESS. If you didn't see it, the Bucs lined up tight, Freeman faked the sneak, dropped back about 10 yards(!) because the Saints' defensive front didn't fall for it, and lofted an air ball up to Mike Williams in the end zone. How did that work? If I'm Sean Payton, I consider pulling my starters looking at the Falcons score. And there's Chase Daniel, who may actually be shorter than Brees. Why is Brennaman a year late with the "If you get a head coaching gig next year, we really enjoyed working with you, Brian Billick" speech when Billick's name hasn't come up for any opening this year? Bucs win! LeGarrette Blount gets 1,000 yards on the last carry of the game. Here's something else to think about: Tampa's gonna get a third-place schedule next season, too. Now... we wait. /spy movie cliches (Buccaneers 23, Saints 13)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Ravens 13, Bengals 7

Is that the first play Michael Huff's made in the pros? About four minutes ago in real time the Buccaneers snuffed out the same play that the Raiders just scored on. So let me get this straight: The Raiders swept the AFC West and still finished third? Gotcha. (Raiders 31, Chiefs 10)

Break up the Lions! I long ago stopped trying to figure out when Brett Favre's career was finally going to end. But listening to him after this game, there wasn't any of the overwrought emotion or angst of his earlier year-end pronouncements. He sounded... at peace. I think he's finally done. (Lions 20, Vikings 13)

Who are these people? This feels like Week 2 in the preseason. And Kolb's playing like he did in Week 2 of the preseason. Witten? Of course Witten. It's always Witten. This game only taught me two things: The Eagles could use another cornerback, and Stephen McGee isn't as good as Jon Kitna. (Cowboys 14, Eagles 13)

I'm curious why we didn't get a late CBS game here. We did two years ago in the same circumstance. I feel like that fumbled snap should be the last one Kerry Collins ever takes. REAL KICKERS DO REAL THINGS. crosses off Jaguars (Colts 23, Titans 20)

I support the Bears' decision here. You get a chance to singlehandedly knock your biggest rival out of the playoffs, you take it. Plus, as an Eagles fan, I'd really rather not have to face the Packers again. Keeping Cutler off his back might help the plan go better. Has anything happened so far? The Packers' best goal-line option seems to be "Rodgers off right tackle," which can't be good going forward. This is beginning to look like the Packers-Lions game from four weeks ago, and that's a bad thing. I think that punt return was the longest-gaining play of the game. A touchdown! Wow! You know what this leaves us with? The best wild-card teams of all time, that's what. crosses off Buccaneers (Packers 10, Bears 3)

This looks like a game between two sub-.500 teams. Who are these people? The Seahawks' defense sure isn't the 49ers'. The Mike Williams comeback story doesn't seem to be getting much play outside of Seattle and it should. Is this gonna happen? There's a rookie mistake
Look, this probably won't happen again for another 90 years. Still, it begs the question for Seahawks fans: Was this a good season? (Seahawks 16, Rams 6)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (14-2) — Seriously?
2. Pittsburgh (12-4) — Time to get more rest
3. Atlanta (13-3) — Shaking it off
4. New Orleans (12-4) — Champs remain dangerous

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (5-11) — The Cardinals you know and love are back, ladies and gentlemen...
30. Cincinnati (4-12) — ...and so are the Bengals
30. Denver (4-12) — Need a total makeover
32. Carolina (2-14) — Um... forget what I said here last week. Party at Jimmy Clausen's house!

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: The Massively Delayed Sleep Deprivation Edition

It's my understanding that Festivus is today. Who determines this? Is it arbitrary? I bring this up because this is as worthy an occasion as any to begin the Airing of Grievances. Hey NFL schedule makers! I GOTTA LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE! Who among you decided that the Carolina Panthers were worthy of any prime-time exposure at this point in the season? What made you think they'd be any good? C'mon, man! (Steelers 27, Panthers 3)

Jon Kitna, John Skelton, and nine wins total. Merry Christmas, football fans. I actually completely forgot about this game until I saw how it ended. I've decided that David Buehler is a smaller, less violent Sebastian Janikowski. (Cardinals 27, Cowboys 26)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ CHI, SF @ STL, NYG @ GB

That pass is why Danny Amendola is a wide receiver. I'm not sure any quarterback has ever appreciated a running back like Sam Bradford should appreciate Steven Jackson. That's a safety, isn't it? SPEED (2)! This game looks like what a game between two sub-.500 teams fighting for playoff position looks like. Alex is in? What happened to Troy? Oh, he's on the sideline yelling at Singletary. The young people watching this need to know it didn't used to be like this for them. And yet it's amazing the 49ers are still in this thing. Oh, I don't think Alexander stepped out. I mean, I'm looking at this replay and it's close, but I wouldn't be able to call that. And it ends up not mattering for anything but fantasy purposes (although, let's be honest: if Danario Alexander is starting on your fantasy team, and it's week 16, it doesn't matter anyway.) finally, mercifully, crosses off 49ers (Rams 25, 49ers 17)

Come on, Soldier Field. We need you to come up big with signs for Rex. Don't let America down. You know who's good is Matt Forte. Hey, a Shonn Greene sighting! Into a bad spot into double coverage? Nice work, Cutler. Hey, a LaDanian Tomlinson sighting! These vaunted defenses are getting shredded. Did not see this one coming. In that same vein, it really is amazing how much time Cutler's had to throw. The Bears' offensive line has been playing better but the Jets have absolutely no pass rush. Seriously, people, stop kicking it to Devin Hester. STOP. And the Jets come right back with Holmes? What is going on here? Knox and Hester give the Bears ridiculous speed on the outside. A field goal? And Nick Folk made it? That might be an even bigger upset. Have we really gone almost an entire quarter in this game without anyone scoring? And there's the mistake one of these two was bound to make. Though that was a nice play by Harris to swoop in and pick that off. (Bears 38, Jets 34)

So no T.O., no Ocho, and Carson puts up his best passer rating ever. I'm not saying; I'm just saying. crosses off the song (Bengals 34, Chargers 20)

Looks like the Giants are still in shock. Seriously, Jordy Nelson shouldn't be doing that to anyone. Mario Manningham is the evolutionary Nate Washington. Discuss. Oh wow. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I'd say he wheels are coming off but they're already off. And really, they haven't just come off — they're rolling down the road independently of each other and hitting other cars. The casino across the street~~~~~ I didn't know Green Bay even had casinos. I know Milwaukee's got a couple. And now Tom Coughlin finds himself in the same spot he was in five years ago: needing to beat the Washington Redskins to save his job. Unfortunately for him, Tiki Barber isn't around to bail him out like last time. (Packers 45, Giants 17)

The Saints and Falcons have a history of trading wins on the other's home field, so this wouldn't have been surprising even if the Saints were 5-10 or something. (Saints 17, Falcons 14)

TUESDAY. ESPN's Kevin Nagandi: "If George Costanza were the assistant to the Minnesota Vikings' traveling secretary, he would have quit by now." I haven't heard a halfway decent explanation as to why this game was flexed in the first place — the Vikings aren't very good this year and are out of it, and Favre was hurt before they made the switch. And if this turns into a three-hour Favre eulogy, I'm checking out. Seriously, Jets-Bears was RIGHT THERE.

Also, I haven't paid attention to Ed Rendell's opinions on football for the past eight years and I'm certainly not about to start now. But let's break this down, since he clearly has no idea how this actually works: You've gotta move 70,000 people from all across the region into one spot in South Philadelphia over roads that are doubtlessly in terrible condition with poor visibility. South Jersey Transit is completely shut down, and SEPTA is partially shut down. (And anyone who rides SEPTA regularly will tell you that "SEPTA" and "peak efficiency" almost never appear in the same sentence.) There'll be snow falling in the stadium all day that has to be cleared out before the game so people can sit down and move around. What happens if an emergency vehicle is needed at the stadium? How long is it going to take to get there through the weather conditions? Then you have to do the same thing four hours later after the game's over, with the additional factor that all the fans are now drunk. And it's not like you can wait until 7:30 p.m. to make this decision, either. If the NFL's choice is between taking a PR hit and looking like "wimps" for moving the game or taking a PR hit for not moving the game and somebody dying because of it... look, that's an easy one.

Vick's limping already? Nice catch, Clay Harbour. Clay Harbour? Yeah, that's clearly in. And after that the Eagles just seem off. Have they run the ball at all so far? That's about the third interception the Vikings have dropped. You can't drop a fumble, though. Why is Andy challenging this? I can't see how they can say Rice didn't have control. Um. Well then. Joe Webb just made the entire Eagles' defense miss him twice. Juqua Parker still hasn't caught him. This... did not go well. On the flip side, I think Leslie Frazier just earned himself a full-time job. Or at least a real shot at one. (Vikings 24, Eagles 14)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (13-2) — Brady may never throw an interception again
2. Pittsburgh (11-4) — Yawn
3. Atlanta (12-3) — Offense got shut down Monday night
4 (tie). New Orleans (11-4) — Made a "don't forget about us" statement
4 (tie). Chicago (11-4) — Believe. BELIEVE!

BOTTOM 4:
29. Dallas (5-10) — Seriously, what happened to that defense?
30. Cincinnati (4-11) — In straight audition mode
31. Denver (4-11) — Tebow wins!
32. Carolina (2-13) — I'll offer my yearly ritual plea a week early this season: TRADE THE PICK

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Return Engagements

Hit the showers, Justin Smith! (The 49ers have about eight guys named Smith. It's nuts.) And the 49ers miss him already — the Chargers are strolling down the field. Think they missed Vincent Jackson all season? The sequence where the field goal came off the board because of a leverage penalty, then Alex Smith's touchdown was overturned by replay, then the 49ers got stuffed on fourth and goal is pretty much their year in three minutes. Vincent Jackson cannot be stopped. There's another one. Then the zip camera randomly slides into the shot. Thanks for that. crosses off... NOBODY. Have you SEEN the 2010 NFC West? It's probably the best chance to save the WAC at this point. (Chargers 34, 49ers 7)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NYG, JAX @ IND, NYJ @ PIT

It's early, but you can see the pattern starting to develop: the Giants are going to run up the middle and throw at Patterson to the exclusion of almost anything else. On the other side, the Eagles can't get anything done — Vick's getting beaten around like in their first meeting and they haven't run effectively enough to keep the Giants' front four honest. I mean, this is just Playcalling 101. Pound the middle, use play action, attack the weak spots on the outside. Basic stuff. Like that with Manningham again. It should be noted that while it doesn't look like it today, the Giants will miss Steve Smith down the stretch, as he had assumed Amani Toomer's old role of being their most reliable receiver. Down two touchdowns and with the ball deep in your own end with under 40 seconds left — I think you just go into halftime and lick your wounds. Oh boy. That's about the last thing the Eagles wanted. Now they've got more wounds to lick. You wonder why they're running the ball trailing by 17 points and it's because it's working and they just need to get something to work offensively to loosen the defense up and get some big plays. Well that's something. A blown coverage, obviously, but the Eagles will take it all day every day at this stage. If they can find points on this drive, we might have something. The ground caused that ball to come out and Jackson was touched. This'll get overturned for sure. Wait, what? Where was the... what?!? Are we really going to spend all week talking about how Andy didn't throw a challenge flag? Even Mike Peireira doesn't get it. Well, game over. At least Vick's figured out that he can run away from the Giants' blitzes. Thanks for letting Celek run free like a wild horse in the meadow and making this somewhat respectable. THAT WAS THE GREATEST ONSIDE KICK OF ALL TIME. It went straight up. Nobody EVER does that! The Giants looked utterly astounded, and how do you not see that coming? Now I'm not sure the Giants have figured out that Vick's figured out that he can run away from their blitzes. Touchdown. It can't happen, can it? I mean, stranger things have, but... I'm surprised to see that the Giants only have 85 rushing yards — it feels like they've been running it down the Eagles' throats all day long, but now the offense can't stay on the field. And Vick gets away again. We're tied! How are we tied?! Maclin did the same thing Manningham did on his second touchdown — used a spin move to freeze the defender and took off. What's going mostly unnoticed is that the Eagles' defense has also tightened up in a big way in the second half. Who called a pass play there? The only good thing about Eli taking a sack is that it doesn't stop the clock. That's not a good snap. That's kind of a crappy kick. Jackson muffs it and then picks it up? I'm not sure how smart that is.

THAT.

DID.

NOT.

JUST.

HAPPEN.

That's Eagles-Giants for you. MIRACLE AT THE MEADOWLANDS 4. The biggest shock for me is that Tom Coughlin wasn't in a straightjacket at the postgame press conference. (Eagles 38, Giants 31)

What I don't understand is why the Redskins didn't just go straight to John Beck — there's six years or so of tape on Rex Grossman. It's not like nobody knows who and what he is. The Redskins' offense is in park, and other than that odd decision to go for it on fourth and goal from the 1, the Cowboys are doing whatever they feel like. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. The Redskins' tight end coverage looks like the Eagles'. Oh, right, David Buehler is the Cowboys' kicker. Actual AP Line: "Apparently, (Jerry Jones) forgot how lousy his defense is." And Rex is about to show him. Seriously, this feels like the best game he's ever had. You'd think a defense with as many first-round picks on it as the Cowboys have on theirs would be, y'know, better. And to hit the two-point conversions twice? I feel like I've seen this happen somewhere else. What's sad is that Buehler barely made that. Oh, look, Rex Grossman committed a boneheaded turnover at a crucial moment. That's never happened before. (Cowboys 33, Redskins 30)

Do the Colts have Dominic Rhodes encased in one of those "In Case Of Emergency, Break Glass" cabinets? Is that how that works? Somebody help me out. The upshot here is that the Jaguars can end a lifetime of abject misery in Indianapolis with a win today. Hey, an Austin Collie sighting. Peyton seems to have his mojo back. He looks composed and self-assured. If the Jags are doubling Wayne, they should probably stop because Collie just burned them again. Did that punt return look entirely too easy to anyone else? Wait, what? Oh, the Colts are saying that Thomas signaled for a fair catch. Well let's take a look at this. You know what? His arm's not above his head. It's a bit shady, but it looks legal. Oh, no, not Collie again. The ovation he got after standing up on his own may end up being bigger than the one at the end of the game if the Colts win. First drive of the second half, down four, 4th and 1 from your own 39 and you go for it? When did Bill Belichick get the Jaguars' head coaching job? Donald Brown lives! That might be the Colts' longest run from scrimmage in about two months. You know whose name we haven't heard much today is Maurice Jones-Drew, and that's why the Jaguars are in this predicament. That said, having gotten to see the Jags a few times this year, I think they've finally found some guys at WR who can give them what they haven't had since Jimmy Smith's heyday. And not long after the best onside kick ever comes the worst onside kick ever. The Jaguars and Texans both learned this year that if they ever want AFC South supremacy, beating the Colts once isn't enough. They're going to have to bury them. (Or wait for Peyton Manning to retire.) The Jaguars had their shot and couldn't do it. (Colts 34, Jaguars 24)

Maybe the Dolphins should move to Los Angeles. Or at least threaten to. Good God. (Bills 17, Dolphins 14)

INCLEMENT WEATHER. I guess since the Jets' offense can't score any points, the special teams decided to get something done. Kind of a fitful start on both sides after that. Ah, nothing like a 96-yard drive to work out the kinks. FAKE SPIKE! If that had worked, Jets fans everywhere would have started jumping off rooftops. Tied at the half? That seems right considering what's gone down so far. These first two drives we've had about six different players report as eligible receivers. I seem to be a sucker for a flawlessly executed play-action bootleg — the Lions ran the same play against the Jets and it was pitch-perfect. At some point the Jets are going to throw No. 75 the ball and hijinks will ensue. That safety shouldn't have happened. Rule No. 1 of play calling in your own end zone: Everything goes straight forward. Moore got caught trying to make a move and that's a game-changer. How'd they let Ben break containment so easily? Wow, 29 yards on a third and 24? If the Jets blow this, that could be it for this year. I'm sure ideally, Sanders and Spaeth would not have ended up in the exact same spot, and one of them would have caught the pass. One more shot for the Steelers... and no. Could've used Holmes there. FYI, that was the Jets' first-ever win in Pennsylvania. (Jets 22, Steelers 17)

Tim Tebow might make it. He might not. But it won't be for lack of trying. (Raiders 39, Broncos 23)

I have to think that Matt Flynn will at least be helped by a full week of prep. I would never let the Patriots go on offense first. OH! Never mind then. Of course, this also means nobody else can do that until 2013 at the earliest. Clearly, Flynn was helped by a full week of prep. I really do hate the squib kick. LOOK AT THE BIG MAN RUN! How about the stiff-arm? This was almost the greatest thing in the history of things. Al Michaels: "Hey, Dan! What's your career highlight?" Then at the end of the replay, Brady's running onto the field and he has this look in his eyes like "Did I just SEE that?" You know what this feels like? The Eagles-Patriots Sunday night game in 2007 when A.J. Feeley started for McNabb in Foxborough in a driving snowstorm and almost pulled it out against a Patriots team that was on absolute fire. Except I don't believe the Eagles ever led in that game. That week of prep only helps you so much in a pressure situation like a two-minute drill to pull off a major upset in a game everyone's watching. For years I've advocated having two plays called and ready in spots like this. This is why, right here. Gates: "Not only did Matt Flynn graduate from LSU, but he apparently also graduated from the Les Miles School of Clock Management." (Patriots 31, Packers 27)

HE'S GONNA PLAY! BRETT FAVRE IS GONNA PLAY! Nyssa: "He's, like, a machine." I can only assume they figured the cold would numb any pain he has. No AP? That's an equally stunning development. Ouch. And Favre didn't get up or even move right away. The field is so hard that's gotta be like getting slammed down onto a road. Well, if this is it, at least his last play won't be an interception. So we're gonna see Joe Webb after all. And then we're gonna see Devin Hester do that thing he does. A better kick might have helped. I doubt this is the "train wreck" that Vikings punter Chris Kluwe was predicting. And here's his contribution — the one time he doesn't punt out of bounds, Hester brings it back. And he'd been doing so well. crosses off Brett Favre (Bears 40, Vikings 14)

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. New England (12-2) — I still fear their defense will let them down in a big spot at some point
2. Atlanta (12-2) — Showdown with Saints biggest game ever?
3. Pittsburgh (10-4) — Shake it off
4. Philadelphia (10-4) — It's all gravy until the playoffs now

BOTTOM 4:
29. Cincinnati (3-11) — My advice to Carson would be to not use T.O.'s real estate agent
30. Arizona (4-10) — Might as well have put Red Skelton back there for all the good it did
31. Denver (3-11) — Fortunately, Tebow got out of Oakland alive
32. Carolina (2-12) — Job preservation, Jimmy Clausen style

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Rated NC-17

We were supposed to get Giants-Vikings before the METRODOME BROKE. I'm guessing Bucs-Redskins instead. Wait, this is an indoor stadium...

Signal Finder: GB @ DET, CIN@ PIT, OAK @ JAX (end), ATL @ CAR (end), MIA @ NYJ

There is absolutely nothing I can say about the first half of this game. Nothing. Even the play that Rodgers suffered the concussion on wasn't all that exciting or violent or controversial. If this game ends 3-0 I'm taking hostages. If this game ends 7-3 I may still take hostages. Really, Mike McCarthy? Fourth and 1 with over a minute left and you call an all-or-nothing bomb? All right, no hostage-taking. The life has seeped out of me after sitting through this. Jay: "Good Lord, what a suckfest that was." (Lions 7, Packers 3)

I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out that the Buccaneers themselves lost a game in that exact fashion back in the bad old days. (Buccaneers 17, Redskins 16)

Lede I Probably Couldn't Get Away With: "Over 1,600 flights in and out of Chicago were adversely affected by the weekend's blizzard. Unfortunately for the Bears, Air Brady was not among them." I'm not sure who took a worse beating this weekend: the Bears or Josh Koscheck. (Patriots 36, Bears 7)

I know the weather's not helping matters in the slightest but can I get one decently-played game today? Just one? Wait, did I just see that right? Are you kidding me? Wow. Stay classy, Jets coaching staff. I need to know who this Cameron Wake character is and why it seems he has three sacks in every Dolphins game I've seen this season. Last chance for the Jets and... yeah. Sanchez needs a hug. A look at the box score shows that the Jets had 31 rushes, and yet it seems like their running game has disappeared over the last month. I don't know. (Dolphins 10, Jets 6)

The Giants' plane got stranded in Kansas City. Apparently the Chiefs were also on it. (Chargers 31, Chiefs 0)

This afternoon's games have collectively set the sport back about 20 years. And letting the kicker score the other team's first 22 points — including scoring a touchdown on a fake where nobody laid a hand on him — was the radioactive cherry on top of this landfill of a sundae. (Cardinals 43, Broncos 13)

Let's try to stop the bleeding, gentlemen. That's twice in four weeks. At some point teams are going to have to start saying to themselves, "The first play might be a bomb." That's a good start. You rarely see Reid INSANE WITH ANGER like that but he's wrong here — Vick was still inbounds. Todd Herremans? Todd Herremans! I'm not sure what Vick had in mind when he threw that pass right to Sensabaugh. This is quite a contrast from the last time the Cowboys were on SNF and they just laid down and died. Did Maclin really let that one go right through his hands? That's not good. Somebody got blown up on that screen and the Cowboys are ahead. Then McCoy comes back with a run that about three Cowboys get blown up on. Vick's taking a beating tonight and yet we're tied again. Jackson brought that one all the way across the field without losing any speed. Holy crap! Scandrick almost ran him down. I had no idea he was that fast. He's a terrible cornerback but he almost got him. Oh, DeSean. You're such a jackass sometimes. But I can't completely hate you for this one because it's against the Cowboys and Terence Newman was standing right next to you and didn't do a damn thing. Then the Eagles get it back when Kitna fires off a throw with a man in his face and Roy Williams stumbles. How do you let Jon Kitna run for 10 yards on 4th and 8? How? Jason Witten getting free and scoring a touchdown? That makes sense; that happens all the time. A penalty on a touchback? That's a new one. I don't quite understand throwing a pass there. McCoy is chewing up the Cowboys' run defense at the most opportune time. THAT'S how you run the four-minute drill! Nice work. The Vick-Choice autograph thing was just... strange. (Eagles 30, Cowboys 27)

Clearly, the Giants need a better travel coordinator. Why would you leave three hours early to try to beat a storm that hit the night before? Gates: "Honestly, the only way this Vikings' season is going to get any weirder is if a UFO shows up over the Cities and starts abducting players. But, hey, there are still three weeks after this." And... the streak is over. Sign of the times: it was confirmed on a Tweet from the Vikings' equipment manager. Oh, there's a game. Well, the Giants actually won in Minnesota for once, so that's something, I guess. (Giants 21, Vikings 3)

Memo to the Ravens: Upgrade at cornerback. You can't give up two 95+ yard drives in one game, especially with your defense's reputation. You just can't. I'm pretty sure that two-point conversion pass was intended for Johnson but good on Jones for not dropping it. Oh my God. After all that, Schaub gives it away by throwing a slant to nobody. That may have been the worst pass of the year. The Ravens almost look apologetic. (Ravens 34, Texans 28, OT)

FANTASY REPORT

Jacksux 7 (6-8, L1): Well, no playoffs for us.

RANKINGS

TOP 4
1. New England (11-2) — Neither snow nor cold nor Monsters of Midway...
2. Pittsburgh (10-3) — Just doing business
3. Atlanta (11-2) — See above
4. New Orleans (10-3) — Look who's won six in a row

BOTTOM 4
29. Arizona (4-9) — Even so...
30. Cincinnati (2-11) — Three more weeks, Marvin... three more weeks
31. Denver (3-10) — To be fair, who saw Peyton Hillis blowing up like this?
32. Carolina (1-12) — *taps out*

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Perilous and Ponderous

This is coming back, isn't it? Yeah, of course it is. It doesn't seem to matter watching this drive, though. Or this one. Or even this one, though the Texans did at least hold them to a field goal here. These drives have all taken a decent amount of time, too, which is encouraging. Is it just me or did McCoy pick up his game when Vick came back? How does Joel Dreesen keep getting wide open against good teams? I was worried that without Samuel, if the Eagles were going to blow a lead like this, it'd be on a big play but that hasn't happened. Like the Eagles in the first half, the Texans are doing this with long, methodical drives. Well there's a bomb to Andre Johnson. Plenty of time left for Houston's defense to cough another one up. You know, Wade Phillips is out there. (Before you ask me if I'm crazy, I'd absolutely hire Wade to just run a defense.) I feel like Vick doesn't get low enough when he sneaks but it seems to work. (He's not a big guy, either Celek got that one on the stretch, and I can't believe I'm about to say this, but throw the flag, Andy. Come on, he got it. Yes! The difference between six points and 10 is huge here and that's why you do that. I don't know if there's anything to this, but I'm beginning to believe the Texans actually traded Kyle Shanahan to the Redskins and got back their staggering inability to finish games. (Eagles 34, Texans 24)

Signal Finder: WAS @ NYG; CLE @ MIA, DEN @ KC (end), NO @ CIN (end); DAL @ IND; ATL @ TB (end)

Can the Browns avenge their brothers-in-arms on the hardwood? sees Jake Delhomme is starting I'm gonna go ahead and say "no." This has been kind of a snoozefest, to be honest. 60 yards! That'll wake these people up. Oh man, overtime just went through that Dolphins DB's hands.,although this game's been so bad I'm not sure anyone would stick around for 15 more minutes of it. I would have bet everything I own that Delhomme and not Chad Henne would throw the game-killing interception. How does he not score? It's GOOD! Why are the Dolphins so bad at home this year? Is it delayed karma from the Orange Bowl demolition? Also, Eric Mangini needs some Coach of the Year votes — this is a 4-12 roster at best and he has an outside shot at 8-8. crosses off Dolphins (Browns 13, Dolphins 10)

Did the Lions just get screwed out of a win over the Bears again? (Bears 24, Lions 20)

I'm well aware that the Redskins have plenty of more important problems. But the yellow pants have got to go. No Haynesworth, not that you'd notice. Although thinking about it, I guess you would miss a giant blob of unmotivated, apathetic fat. Especially when the Giants are running right through the hole that he theoretically would have filled up. I think it's safe to say the switch to the 3-4 hasn't exactly paid dividends. And yet this team has somehow already won one more game than last year. Does Coughlin have Ahmad Bradshaw doing that thing he did with Tiki where he carries a ball up under his neck or wherever everywhere he goes? Because it worked for Tiki is all I'm saying. If Jake Delhomme against Carolina last week was a 0.0000001 on the Vengeance Scale, Devin Thomas against the Redskins may actually be a negative number. He blocked a punt! This is his greatest game ever. This can't end soon enough. And it ended pretty soon. crosses off Redskins (Giants 31, Redskins 7)

Really, Sean Payton? Really? This BETTER work. Of course, Lynch's rationale that the Saints are a better team anyway probably does figure into it — if they're better , they should be able to get this first down anyway. They sure are taking their time. Wait... are they trying to draw them offsiOH MY GOD IT WORKED. And the Bengals player clearly moved first looking at this replay. Good teams find ways to win games and bad teams find ways to lose games. But that kickoff return gave the Bengals time... time they've just squandered by somehow not calling time out. That's such a Bengals way to lose. (Saints 34, Bengals 30)

Bill Simmons, in his mini-prediction column: "The No Handshake Bowl II. And there won't be a III." (Chiefs 10, Broncos 6)

This should never have happened. Although at the start of this weekend I would have preferred this being our only CBS game here instead of anything in the 1 p.m. block. (Raiders 28, Chargers 13)

That was too easy. So was that. The Scandrick interception was a little more difficult but I have a pattern to maintain here. Is a Colts game in the Peyton Manning era going to be over by halftime? With the Colts losing? I can't believe what I'm seeing here. Some of Peyton's recent interceptions have been so bad they've looked like his rookie season. The thing I've noticed on the ones he's thrown today is that the Cowboys aren't being fooled. He's not throwing it directly to them, but they know where the ball's going, and it seems like that's been a problem for some of his other recent ones. Of course, count him out at your own peril. Are the Cowboys really about to completely blow this lead? Yep. Off a blocked punt, of all things, which isn't even in play if the penalty doesn't wipe out that monster kickoff return. Still, it's very tenuous at one point and I don't think I'd throw the ball at all if I'm the Cowboys — they've been running wild all day. And that's exactly what they're doing. They threw two passes on that drive (both to Witten) and chewed up almost the entire fourth quarter. Two and a half minutes left? That's two minutes more than the Colts actually need. You'd think the Cowboys would be triple-teaming Wayne on every play and making Peyton throw to guys he's clearly not comfortable with, which is also part of the problem. I think Javarris James has more rushing touchdowns than every other Colts running back this season. And if anything happens to him, the next phone call could be to his cousin Edge. The fact that Peyton's thrown three interceptions, had two of them returned for touchdowns, and we're still going to overtime says a lot about a lot of things. What, again? Are you kidding me? It's the Super Bowl losers' curse. I don't have any better explanations. (Cowboys 38, Colts 35, OT)

How is it that we can have bonus coverage after a game that went halfway into overtime? I feel like if you swapped the Bucs' and Lions' schedules, you could also swap their records. (Falcons 28, Buccaneers 24)

Is it 2007 again? Max: "I haven't seen a beating like this since the glory days of Jerry Flynn." Turn out the lights, the party's over. (Patriots 45, Jets 3)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (5-8, L2): No playoffs. All I had to do was beat Janey and I would have gotten in, but I lost by less than two points.

JackSux 7 (6-7, W2): Thanks to Brady and Jennings, I beat the crap out of Rob (again, always a good time) to eliminate him from playoff contention. Now it comes down to one game, me against Rob's brother, who's also 6-7. Winner is in, loser is out.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New England (10-2) — Also of note: Brady hasn't thrown a pick in two months
2. Pittsburgh (9-3) — Round 6,721,453 to the Steelers
3. Atlanta (10-2) — Could make a case they should have lost both games to the Buccaneers
4. Baltimore (8-4) — Still seems like something's missing

BOTTOM 4

29. Arizona (3-9) —In a way, this feels like order's been restored to the universe
30. Buffalo (2-10) — Would Los Angeles even want them?
31. Cincinnati (2-10) — They've lost NINE IN A ROW. That's almost impossible
32. Carolina (1-11) — Gave Seattle a scare for about 25 minutes

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Listening to: John Lennon-Watching the Wheels
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Off The Rack (of Lamb)

So how long can the new, improved Lions hang? Let's find out. I think this is the most Lions games I've ever seen in one season (three) and I like seeing how good Calvin Johnson is at catching passes from mediocre-at-best-quarterbacks. The guy played with Reggie Ball, arguably the worst four-year starter ever, in college. Is it really 14-3? Someone tell the Patriots you're not supposed to have the turkey dinner until after the game. This first possession out of halftime is big. They forced a punt! Wow. This could get very interesting if the Lions can sustain something (and by the way, this is the Week 12 I was thinking about back at Eagles-Lions in week 2) Oops. That might be a game-changer in the bad way. Well, wait a second... the Lions just went ahead again. But the Patriots are firing on all proverbial cylinders now. Yeah, I guess it was only a matter of time. Anyone who had "three quarters" in the pool, please come to Window 8 to collect. Look for the guy trying to cut into the rack of lamb. Brady ended up with a perfect quarterback rating? Unreal. (Patriots 45, Lions 24)

Seriously, there's not a lot of meat on these bones.

Quite a few Saints fans at Jerryworld. So is Bush playing or not? One guy said maybe, one guy said no, and yet there he is, but it's this Chris Ivory kid who's doing the heavy lifting. The Saints' engine is humming. Seventeen points in the first quarter? The old Saints — and the old Cowboys — appear to have resurfaced. Was that a Julius Jones sighting? REVERSE. I don't think Austin had caught a pass yet, either. Oooh, Bush dropped a probable touchdown there. He slipped? What is this, Soldier Field? And then he fumbles the punt... not a good sequence. Let's sort out this McBriar thing. Oh, I see, you can't kick a ball when it's on the ground. So why not take the penalty and make them re-kick and try for better field position? Dez Bryant is angry. Somebody calm him down (Seriously! You're back in the game!) and throw a pass in his direction or something because that's the first time I've actually seen him all game. It's interesting that the Cowboys are still in it despite that fact. And now they've got the ball again after the rookie tight end let one go off his hands. An ice-cold Tashard Choice on fourth and goal? Really, Garrett? Oh, never mind. I am displeased by this. Oh, Roy. Even when you catch it your hands let you down. How does that even happen? Time to find the magic, Saints. I can't say that took long. 59 yards with a guy with the leg and reliability of Sebastian Janikowski? Good luck with THAT. Wide left! LOL at Payton trying to do the last-moment timeout thing and not getting it. That's a less aesthetically offensive version of the Galloping Gobbler than we've seen in years past. And yes, I still miss the mutant six-legged turkeys. (Saints 30, Cowboys 27)

Signal Finder: GB @ ATL, JAX @ NYG, PIT @ BUF (end regulation), PHI @ CHI

What are Brennaman and Billick doing here? There's been quite a bit of going for it on fourth down today with mixed results. Rodgers' fumble on the fourth-and-goal sneak was on the bad side of that mix. You know who's still good is Tony Gonzalez. Another sneak from Rodgers... hey, it worked this time! Oh, man, Turner could have walked in backwards. (P.S. Also on fourth down.) Hey, Mike McCarthy, I know you guys can't run the ball but lining up in the shotgun on 4th and 1 from the opponents' 45 is making it a little too obvious what's coming. Also, how did that drive take so long? The Packers have the ball back and I'm not sure they have any plays where Rodgers lines up under center. Either that or they've just thrown those away. If there was a next play here Rodgers can design it and come up with a snap count with all the time he has. Is he in? Yeah, without question. Looks like overtime. Or not, as he clearly grabbed the face mask. That's a good way to lose a game. Did Ryan really not throw an incompletion in the second half? Ridiculous. (Falcons 20, Packers 17)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Derek Anderson; 2. Steve Johnson; 3. Roy Williams; 4. Cortland Finnegan; 5. Josh McDaniels

Kevin Boss just ran through that tackle like it wasn't happening. Seems like he hasn't become what the Giants thought he would when they traded Shockey, and they're going to need him now with their receivers dropping left and right (BTW, we've located Devin Thomas; the Giants just picked him up off waivers from the Panthers, of all teams.) That's a lot of sacks at one time. The Giants needed this win to avoid having that happen again. On the other side, the Jaguars clearly can't be trusted. (Giants 24, Jaguars 20)

I mean, I guess by the transitive property the Lions are unluckier than the Bills because the Bills beat them, but man, it's close. (Steelers 19, Bills 16, OT)

You know, you'd think going through life named "Cortland", you'd eventually figure out how to handle yourself in a fight. That's all I'm saying. (Texans 20, Titans 0)

What I'm actually most interested in seeing is if Mike Martz actually uses tight end Greg Olsen in the passing game, given how bad the Eagles are at covering tight ends, even though they're also starting two backups at cornerback. Of course I'll need to wait a bit on that as the Eagles have won the toss. Five plays in and it looks like Martz has chosen the wide receivers. Also, now that they've decided on their guys for the offensive line, that group's starting to play better as evidenced by Forte snapping off that 60-yarder or whatever it was. On the other side, it's amazing the difference Peppers has made for the Bears — they can get pressure with four and just use everybody else to fill in passing lanes, like Urlacher did there just before he got beat by Maclin on the next play. They're also mostly healthy, which never hurts. And again the Eagles' red-zone offense from two years ago makes an appearance. Well, the interception-less streak had to end sometime. What an ugly-looking pass, though. Oh, it was tipped. Should he have even run it out? Uh-oh. That could turn into the game-changer if the Bears get a touchdown here. Look at Cutler playing in control and making intelligent decisions. This Eagles secondary is getting used and abused — the safeties are having to do different things to help out the corners who are getting lit up and it's just not going well all the way around. On the other side, it's amazing the difference Peppers has made for the Bears — they can get pressure with four and just use everybody else to fill in passing lanes. They're also mostly healthy, which also helps. Kicking this field goal looks worse because of the other one they kicked earlier at the 4-yard line, but it's 4th and 18 here. Even so, they should have gone for the first one because if you don't make it, the game's over anyway. Whoa, Celek finally caught a pass! And it was behind him and in triple coverage? He catches that one but misses about four when he's wide open? Whatever. I'll tell you this: I don't want to come here in January and face them on this field if they keep this up. And the rest of you shouldn't, either. (Bears 31, Eagles 26)

Sorry, Bucs... you're just not ready yet. But it's better this way in the long run. (Ravens 17, Buccaneers 10)

Even given the Colts' historical struggles with the 3-4 and the Chargers' seeming knowledge of how to rattle their cage, this is nuts. Three interceptions again? OK, we won't blame Peyton for that one because Weddle clearly pulled Wayne out of the path of the pass and finished the route himself (how no official sees that is beyond me) but he's been genuinely awful for the first time in a long time. (Chargers 36, Colts 14)

Brian Westbrook lives! I think before this he'd gotten more carries in London than he had in every other game in America this season. The Cardinals fan out there is pining for the halcyon day of Timm Rosenbach. Matt Leinart's sitting at home watching the postgame saying, "See, I wouldn't have done THAT, either." (49ers 27, Cardinals 6)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa Whiskey (5-7, L1): Still in eighth place (actually a four-way tie for seventh) after a not-so-good loss.

JackSux 7 (5-7, W1): Unexpectedly back in the hunt after Brady carries me to a win over Butch.

RANKINGS

TOP 4:
1. N.Y. Jets (9-2) — Taking it easy for once
2. New England (9-2) — Gearing up for a showdown
3. Atlanta (9-2) — Making another statement
4. Baltimore (8-3) — It's quiet down there. TOO quiet

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (3-8) — The Cardinals are back, ladies and gentlemen
30. Buffalo (2-9) — Adding the Shawne Merriman waiver pickup to the list of fantastic blunders
31. Cincinnati (2-9) — Do not diss The Island
32. Carolina (1-10) — Assuming Andrew Luck declares... do you even take him?