By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Against The Grain

This has all the makings of the usual bad Thursday night blowout: desperate team on the road against an inferior division opponent. If the 49ers lose, do we start invoking the Super Bowl Loser's curse? Because the Madden Curse isn't in play this season.

It must be Thursday night because I just heard Mike Mayock say, "It's painful to watch right now."
— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) September 27, 2013

Sounds about right. So basically all this was was the 49ers going back to power running and the Rams not showing any progress. And even though Sam Bradford's last good coach was Bob Stoops, is it getting close to "pull the plug" time? (49ers 35, Rams 11)

Signal Finder: PIT vs.@ MIN (@ London); NYG @ KC, BAL @ BUF (end), SEA @ HOU (part of OT), PHI @ DEN

Agree with Giants' choice to defer possession to second half. Nothing good happens when they have the ball.
— Dan Graziano (@DanGrazianoESPN) September 29, 2013

Colquitt took a nasty shot on that partially blocked punt. Is he okay? That's Hakeem Nicks's year in a nutshell. Oh, Lord, seriously? The bit about the Giants needing to turn the volume up on their helmets is their year in a nutshell. Oh, Colquitt is hurt. That's not good. Alex Smith is going to run for 100 yards in this game. The Andy Reid goal line offense is rearing its ugly head here. Oh, there we go. Jesus, Cruz beat Dunta Robinson by five yards. That wasn't even close. Eli got sacked? I'm stunned. Fumble! Of course. And the Chiefs... fumble it right back. Eli's thrown about four passes so far that probably should have been picked off.

This 51-yard FG attempt by the Chiefs with 2:00 left in half does not indicate much fear of the Giants' offense.
— Dan Graziano (@DanGrazianoESPN) September 29, 2013

The Giants are going for it on 4th and 2 with 28 seconds left and only one time out. This needs to work. Cruz gets it. Hurry UP. I... really? HE MISSED THE FIELD GOAL. Eli just threw an absolutely brutal interception to Demps.

I've turned on my Sunday Ticket app exactly twice today. First time I saw Nicks drop/holding call. Just now: INT. (throws phone off plane)
— katiebakes (@katiebakes) September 29, 2013

And AGAIN the Chiefs give it right back! This is ridiculous. That's a close spot. Haha Reid tossed the challenge flag to the official. It's short. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY. Great work by McCluster on that punt return. How did the 49ers let this Cooper kid get away? There's another bad pass. Eli's hardly had time, and when he has, he's throwing into coverage. I really can't understate just how bad Nicks has been this season.Wait, what? The Giants lined up improperly on the field goal? That's... going to give the Chiefs a first down. First and 25 after the clipping penalty and... the Chiefs get 25 yards. Aaaand taking the field goal off the board pays off. More stupid special teams play by the Giants. Take a knee! The Giants are gonna be 0-6. (Chiefs 31, Giants 7)

Welcome to London! Whoever loses this game may as well stay over there. Hey, a Greg Jennings sighting! Peterson just gashed the Steelers' defense. I mean, I know that's what he does but still. Not sure whose fault that Greenway interception is. This is Le'Veon Bell's, what, second game and he may already be the Steelers' best player. The Steelers are still in this game because the Vikings' pass defense is inexplicably horrible. Hang on... looks at starters That explains it, actually. Who are these guys, anyway? Of course, if Ben's hand is hurt, that just causes bigger problems on the other side. Oh, he's back? Never mind then. Wait, L.C. Greenwood died? Sad. :( No. 29 on the Vikings whiffed on the pick there. Jerricho Cotchery is going off? Is it 2007? The Vikings are doing it again, aren't they? Fantastic concentration by Brown. Sack! FUMBLE! The sack would have ended the game anyway but the fumble sealed it. Chins up, Pittsburgh. You've still got the Pirates. And I can actually say that with complete sincerity. (Vikings 34, Steelers 27)

Why did the Ravens kick the field goal? And why did the Bills effectively run it into the line three times? Wait, what? That pass got tipped about four times. Five interceptions for Flacco? Oh. (Bills 23, Ravens 20)

I want to know who Texans fans think they're going to get that's better than Matt Schaub. Josh Freeman? Please. That's an easy interference call on Browner. The flag on the punt just gave the Seahawks 30 yards. And the unnecessary roughness penalty is going to cost the Texans this game. Well, that and their second-half vanishing act. This should never have happened. (Seahawks 23, Texans 20, OT)

My prediction? PAIN. Why was Connor Barwin covering Welker? Or not covering, as the case may be. Of course, you can't cover all of these guys perfectly — someone's going to end up open. I mean, don't GIVE them first downs, guys. That'll happen a lot. Hey, a James Casey sighting. Gotta catch that, Celek — that was a good throw by Vick into the hole in coverage. Field goals are not going to win this game. And that won't help either. Pam Oliver talking about something that I've been wondering about all week — how the Eagles' pace will work in this altitude. They already seem to be a little slower. Uh-oh. They do NOT need to lose DeSean for any amount of time. Hey, a stop! I don't understand this challenge. He was already down. Yeah, that was easy. Does Bryce Brown just not run between the tackles or are all of his runs designed to go outside? Speaking of Bryce, he just stumbled his way out of a touchdown but did well to not go down and get inside the 5. A CHRIS POLK SIGHTING. TOUCHDOWN. Or was it? I'm not sure, actually. Yeah, there's no overturning that one. Go for two? No? Eh. OK. Peyton under pressure and somehow finds Hillman.

Broncos are playing man all game. Taking away everything down field. Eagles are taking what they can underneath.
— Adam Caplan (@caplannfl) September 29, 2013

Huh? That was... odd... Eagles let the clock run down and take a delay of game on 4th and 6? Don't get that one. If you're gonna punt, punt. I think Chip legitimately had no idea what he wanted to do there, which kind of worries me. On the flip side, that's a spot where none of your choices are particularly good. Oh my that post to Decker was perfection. Stupid penalty by Moreno shoving Ryans down after the play. A sack! And the Broncos don't score! Tremendous. Peyton staying trolling the Eagles with hard counts. What pass interference? Where? Really? I mean that was inevitable but come on. And now poor tackling manifests itself. Anyone who's surprised by this needs to have his head examined. The severity of this, however, is legitimately surprising, at least to me -- I thought they'd score more points.

Denver plays Jacksonville in 2 weeks. just think about that.
— Lana Berry (@Lana) September 29, 2013

That's a blocked punt. Jeff Maehl doing work! This is gonna get worse before it gets better. Though it may get a little better next week. (Broncos 52, Eagles 20)

Always love overhead shots of DOMES. Gonzalez just used Jerod Mayo as a pick. Meanwhile, the Falcons are starting three Madden computer-generated players at linebacker.

JOPLO BARTU? THAT'S A NAME? THAT'S AN AWESOME NAME!
— TH, if you will (@tholzerman) September 30, 2013

Uh-oh. The Patriots don't need to lose Wilfork for any period of time. Mulligan? Who is Mulligan? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Just call a play, Smith. The Patriots aren't jumping. They called a play! It didn't work, but why not. Terrible throw, though. Speaking of terrible throws, how does Thompkins catch that? Unreal. Of course...

All that momentum from the fourth down stop AND the bomb and Pats just end up with a 48-yard field goal one inch through the uprights.
— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) September 30, 2013

Gonzalez. Yo, NBC DJ, how do you play any other version of "Beat It"? The Patriots have no second-half touchdowns this year? Huh.

If you Breaking Bad people really wanted dark TV, you'd be tuned into whatever Tom Brady does to Kenbrell Thompkins if he drops another one.
— Robert Mays (@realrobertmays) September 30, 2013

"Roll Out?" OK, DJ, you just redeemed yourself.

who at snf snuck that bumper in???
— Bomani Jones (@bomani_jones) September 30, 2013

What's Brady hot about? That wasn't a penalty. Oh, wait, there was contact but Brady's gotta make a better throw so Dobson doesn't get killed. I'm not really understanding why the Falcons are trying to throw to Roddy White in space. He can't run. Touchdown Patriots. One thing LeGarrette Blount isn't is fast. There's another one... Thompkins brings it in and the Pats have knocked the Falcons off the rails. Only I notice things like this but Kyle Arrington's had about five different jersey numbers.

Equipment failure?  Really @nfl? Not enough money to keep your replay equipment in working order?  #Fail
— Meredith Molinari (@RockMe_Re) September 30, 2013

Hmm. Touchdown. Falcons are trying to come back. They got the onside kick! The Patriots don't need this to get interesting. Why not call a run down here? There's still enough time...

Think you could make a pretty decent case that the Falcons should have gone for it there, too.
— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) September 30, 2013

Another onside kick? I don't think I would have done that... no way it works twice in a row. That's... they called it short? I dunno. Fumbled snap! Falcons get the ball! SICK catch by Jones. If this happens... Now Ryan's misfiring everywhere.

So Tony Gonzalez is being mugged, Roddy White is broken, and you still don't use Julio Jones in the red zone?
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) September 30, 2013

(Patriots 30, Falcons 23)

Dolphins-Saints is 1st meeting of 3-0 teams or better on MNF since 1998. Plus stats on Saints defensive turnaround. http://t.co/paPe9OD36h
— ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) September 30, 2013

Is that Nick Toon on the Saints? Did no one see Sproles? And I don't mean because he's only 5-7. That was entirely too easy. I feel like Cameron Wake could have helped the Dolphins somehow on that drive. Remember, Tannehill was a WR for two years at A&M. (That's why I was shocked he started last year's opener. Not enough QB experience.) Stuffed! "Caleb Sturgis"? That's a name for a human being? Hmmm. This looks short. And it is. Dolphins... punting? Yeah, they're punting. The formation looked weird for a second. And that's an argument for leaving the running to the runners. Though it was a good job by Lofton to punch it out, it shouldn't have been that easy. Sproles again. Jimmy Graham is a man among men. Brandon Gibson's on the Dolphins now? How about that. Sweet misdirection by the Dolphins and a great juke by this Thigpen character. The most amazing thing about this year's Saints, to me, is that Rob Ryan is actually coordinating a good defense. Props to the Dolphins for hanging around so far as they're getting outplayed pretty badly. Like so. That looked like one of Eli's interceptions. Sproles AGAIN! Benjamin Watson lives! The wheels may be coming off.

NFC race looks like it might boil down to the Superdome vs. CenturyLink Field. Not sure anyone is gonna beat the Saints or Seahawks at home.
— Jeff Duncan (@JeffDuncan_) October 1, 2013

Graham! That was quick. This is officially out of hand.





Go home, Gruden; you're drunk. (Saints 38, Dolphins 17)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Denver (4-0) -- Juggernaut SMASH
2. Seattle (4-0) -- Houstonians are often considered the most hospitable of urban Texans
3. New Orleans (4-0) -- Who says coaching doesn't matter?
4. (tie) New England (4-0) -- Have had some escapes so far
4. (tie) Kansas City (4-0) -- Reid winning big with Scott Pioli's players

BOTTOM 4:
29. Pittsburgh (0-4) -- Lots of things going wrong right now
30. Tampa Bay (0-4) -- It's Christmas every Sunday for their opponents
31. N.Y. Giants (0-4) -- Don't do anything particularly well
32. Jacksonville (0-4) -- Petitioning to join the ACC as we speak

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Limo Wreck

Rivers is playing? That stuns me. So much for LDT. You know, with all the talk about how cold it's gonna be in Green Bay, this ain't exactly Cancun up in here. The pass Jammer picked off looked like what happens when a clay pigeon launcher malfunctions. I like Turner and Sproles but they're just not getting it done here. That may have been the weirdest-developing reverse I've ever seen. When did Vincent Jackson stop sucking? BANG! What sometimes goes underappreciated (somewhat by design) about the Patriots' offense is how well they hide guys in their four- and five-receiver sets. I want to know what the studio guys are looking at (besides the two INTs in two minutes, which happens all the time to better quarterbacks than Rivers) that they're so adamant Rivers needs to come out. I think Sam Ryan's actually getting a cold as she delivers this report from Lambeau. She sounds awful. Man, these Chargers goal-line situations look so familiar to us Eagles fans. On both sides. Is Gates playing? Because if he is, you wouldn't know it - he hasn't been a factor at all. What the heck, Tom? DON'T RUN IT OUT WHAT THE... I mean, I get the excitement of the moment and all that. But you've got to pay attention and recognize where you are. You're not gonna beat these guys with field goals. It must be bad if Tomlinson's still on the bench. Wes Welker! Well, this game's over. Man, the Chargers never got the ball back after that. And this is why New England's going 19-0 - 'cause they'll beat you however they feel like it. If they want to drop 40 on you, they'll do it. Passing game not working? They'll run Maroney and Faulk for three touchdowns and hold you to four field goals. (Patriots 21, Chargers 12)

Don't they heat the TV booth? Seriously, that's obscene. Careful, Koren. You don't think of Driver as a speed merchant. I'm wondering how Wilson didn't make a play on him - he had a good angle but he just didn't get there for some reason. Seriously, what is with Plaxico having big games in the playoffs? Steelers fans everywhere are seething. Grant just can't get going. And now the Packers are shooting themselves in the foot with penalties on top of penalties. Did Jacobs just do a Lambeau Leap fakeout? You can get smacked with a frozen bratwurst for that. (I've never actually tried bratwurst. Anyone?) Nice kickoff return by Williams. I'm not sure what Madison did but complaining to Strahan after the Packers score isn't going to help his case. Also there's been a Vernand Morency sighting, which sort of makes you wonder. GUNSLINGER. Holy crap, what a break. If the Packers pull this out, that'll be the play of the game. How is McQuarters still employed? I again find it interesting that Bradshaw's getting all the run at this point in the game. Tynes missed? That's not all that surprising. The Giants have been all over that screen play all night - maybe stop using it? Maybe the Packers punter'll retire. What was THAT? And again, how is McQuarters still employed? You know who I haven't mentioned at all who's been coming up pretty big is Steve Smith The Younger. High snap! He missed AGAIN! And Buck said right before that that the Giants had a rookie replacing their injured regular long snapper. Bad throw, Brett. This isn't a lock. If he misses, it's the Jay Feely/Seahawks game again. Wow. Didn't see that one coming. Johnny just reminded me of something. Two weeks of Boston vs. New York. WTF, seriously. (Giants 23, Packers 20, OT)

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Now playing: Fastball - The Way
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Playing Catch-Up

View Finder: GB @ NYG, BUF @ PIT, IND @ TEN (last :12), CIN @ CLE (end), NYJ @ BAL, DEN @ OAK (OT)

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

Eli's in? OK then. Is this last week's game again? Oh, look, a Giant commits a stupid, costly penalty at a crucial moment? That's never happened before. Do people still think Shockey's good? Granted, he's been horribly misused in Coughlin's system, but he's never been better than, say, Todd Heap. And by the way, Troy, get out of here with that "he's a good blocker" stuff. Favre looks like he's gone back in time - he's carving up this defense. I noticed this last week: every time Brandon Jackson is in, he's getting stuffed, and every time DeShawn Wynn is in, something good's happening. And now the umpire's getting drilled. What's wrong with Lorenzen now? Jeez. (Favre W, 149-90) (Packers 35, Giants 13)

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

You think those Steelers 75th-anniversary throwback unis were ugly, wait until you see what the Eagles break out when they do the same thing next week. At least they're only playing the Lions. (Steelers 26, Bills 3)

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

Why is Jon Runyan getting all these commercials?

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

While the question "What's happened to the Saints' offense?" is a valid one, I don't think that's the bigger issue here. I look at the Buccaneers' highlights and Garcia's stats (243 yards off 10 completions?!) and I keep going back to what I said last year about the Saints: Their secondary is brutal. I was willing to write off the Colts game because, well, the Colts do that to everybody. But the Bucs shouldn't be shredding pass defenses like this. (Buccaneers 31, Saints 14)

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS. Why's Marvin on crutches?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Jets-Ravens. Kyle Boller? What the hell? And on the other side, this is going about as well as could be expected with a second-year quarterback making his first start against this defense. I'm really surprised Boller signed an extension with Troy Smith behind him. This is your typical Ravens game. Grind it out, don't do anything stupid, and hit the other guys in the face. Wait a minute, what's this now? Oh, never mind then. (Ravens 20, Jets 13)

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

Me, right before this: "He's got a big leg, but he's shaky." Raiders win! Wait, what? Oh, that's shady right there. And why even bother? Like I've always said, THIS NEVER WOR- oh. As if winning games this season wasn't already going to be hard enough for them. (Broncos 23, Raiders 20)

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

A real genius wouldn't have gotten caught. That's all I'm saying. On the other hand, what a thorough ass-kicking this is. I'd love to know why Rivers threw that pass. At this time I'd like to give you a glimpse into my life at work. ... Let's flip to Yanks-Sawx. Tied 1-1? At least it's already the sixth inning. F'in' Jeter. How does he do it? My God. This Native American pitcher-batter matchup between Chamberlain and Ellsbury has to be pretty rare, no? Don't do this to me, Mariano. I've never disparaged you. Either end it one way or the other. Whew. *wipes forehead* Belichick: "I"ll have to look at the tape." (Patriots 38, Chargers 14; Yankees 4, Red Sox 3)

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS. Who knew Derek Anderson was the answer all this time.

Jones for "Worst Contract Season Ever." Also of note is that the You can tell that all the smoke from the fireworks is still up in the lights. This IS last week's game again. I'm convinced. Just a lot of really good post-production color work. Of course, this could also be spliced footage from last year's two games because the Redskins still can't get touchdowns against the Eagles. This sequence of penalties in Giants-esque. WTF TOUCHDOWN. Charles Barkley in the house! He's actually doing a good job in there, not trying to dominate the conversation and even asking Jaws what the Patriots were trying to get from the videotaping. You kind of have to be here to understand, but he's also making some very good points about the relationship between the fans and McNabb/Reid. The comment Tony relayed from the guy at Elias about being back in the mid-'90s was actually pretty good. Jason Avant should be starting. Seriously. L.J. Smith may be emerging as a candidate to rival Andruw Jones for "Worst Contract Season Ever." Also of note is that the Phillies are simultaneously gagging away an 11-0 lead in St. Louis. Can we score some touchdowns please? No? Oh. Something's very wrong here, and no one's quite sure what exactly it is.

Unsolicited Observation After Week 2: I thought the offense was supposed to catch up to the defense as the preseason progressed. Sure doesn't look that way in a lot of places.

FANTASY REPORT (Yes, I know I forgot to do this last week)

aPaFL Criminal Intent (2-0, W2): Looks like I'm gonna be riding Carson Palmer's arm until the proverbial wheels fall off.

JackSux 4 (1-1, L1): How do I lose with Palmer on my team? Answer: Steve Smith went off.


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Now playing: Over the Rhine - Give Me Strength
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Sometimes Even I'm Right

Don't hate the singer; hate the song. No, really. Reggie Bush saw the hit Addai took and had flashbacks. I support the "C"'s but would like them to be smaller. Manning? Harrison? Standard. What's not standard is Harrison coming from the left. Did that actually happen? Apparently it's the Jason David show tonight and we weren't told. Peyton seemed ... unusually nonplussed after that. I hope that kid wasn't dunking his apples in the barbecue sauce. David gets burned again? No wonder the Colts let him go. Is this the Colts' defense doing this? I've barely heard Deuce's name all night, for one thing. That bit about only four Colts having ever been anything other than Colts is amazing. I don't know if their defense can keep that up, but if it can, this season might already be over. (Colts 41, Saints 10)

Signal Finder: PHI @ GB, NE @ NYJ, MIA @ WSH (end), CHI @ SD, TB @ SEA (radio) DET @ OAK (end; WTF)

Wow, Lewis got hammered. I like this funky "Go Pack Go" song. I find it curious that the Packers let Ahman Green walk and decided to replace him with, well, this. Although the Eagles did get steamrolled by some lesser backs last season, so this is a good sign for the defense. The Packer defense is doing some good things, too - Barnett's all over the field. As nuts as the shovel pass was, I'm wondering why Wynn was just standing there instead of maybe throwing a block or two so Favre doesn't get smothered. Don't be a hero, J.R. What did I JUST SAY. And now the second decent gain Jackson's made all day will set up the endgame. Sometimes I see things like this coming. I didn't see this one coming. I feel like I should've. (Packers 16, Eagles 13)

I think somebody timed this once, how long the offense-field goal unit changeover takes. Another second and the Broncos don't make it. (Broncos 15, Bills 14)

For the first time in BTPOOT history, we have one game getting two awards: "Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass" and a new one this year, "Did This Actually Happen" go to Chiefs-Texans. Poor Rob. At least he got to see the Chiefs lose. (Texans 20, Chiefs 3)

Uh-oh. Does this mean Randy Moss is back? (Patriots 38, Jets 14)

Wow, Tatum Bell. If I'm you, I'm not leaving the stadium until sundown. (Lions 26, Raiders 21)

They're still calling it "The O.T."?

Oh, look, the Cowboys got beaten deep. That's never happened before. What's with the choices of music going to commercials? Is that "Unbelievable?" Is it 1988 again? I don't know how but the Giants' secondary seems to have gotten worse. On the other side, Eli's doing well tonight (the interception wasn't really his fault - Plaxico fell down.) Nice catch, T.O. That wouldn't have happened last year. Wow, the Giants are dropping like flies. It's 'Justin' Tuck, isn't it? Yeah, there we go. A Jared Lorenzen sighting? This one's over. LOL at him warming up in front of Eli to shield him from the cameras. (Cowboys 45, Giants 35)

YAY 80's 49er uniforms. And at the opposite end of the musical spectrum, MNF's bumping the new Kanye before commercial breaks the day before it drops. Did these two teams watch the Eagles-Packers game and go "Yeah, that looks like fun. Let's try that"? Seriously, I feel like I've seen this already. Nice hands, D-Jack. I'm pretty sure The Original Alex Smith's run here was defended even more poorly than the one against the Seahawks last season. And that, friends, is what makes them the Arizona Cardinals. (49ers 20, Cardinals 17.)


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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
via FoxyTunes

Fearful Forecast 2007

Fearful Forecast 2007

NFC EAST

(2) Philadelphia - Did the impossible last season and won three straight division road games in December with a backup quarterback to take the East. With McNabb back healthy and Westbrook firmly entrenched, a defense in flux will have to come together if the Eagles are gonna be worldbeaters.

(5) Dallas - There are some lofty expectations for the Cowboys, which seems unfair when you consider how badly Romo was exposed at the end of last season. This may be all on his shoulders. If he's up to it (and if the secondary can cover anybody), this team could be dangerous. But God help him if he's not - or when T.O. turns on him.

Washington - Here's all you need to know about the Daniel Snyder Era: Even with Joe Gibbs, the Redskins have become completely irrelevant. They can run the ball with Portis and Betts, which will keep pressure off Campbell, but their lack of a pass rush leaves their defense suspect.

N.Y. Giants - If this team's veterans constantly sniping about Tom Coughlin weren't enough to get him fired, Eli's regression last season should have been. But what's been overlooked is 1) how bad the defense was, and 2) they didn't make any big offseason moves to improve their weaknesses. This could be a disaster.

NFC NORTH

(3) Chicago - The Bears won't sneak up on anybody, but in this sorry division, it won't matter. But they're going to need Rex to find something resembling consistency if they want to get back to the Super Bowl.

Green Bay - Is THIS Favre's last season? Who knows. The rest of the team's in transition with some young potential on offense, but an underrated defense should keep them in games.

Minnesota - At least Tarvaris Jackson has Taylor and Peterson to run the ball and lighten the load. But there's too little on offense to support a rock-solid defense.

Detroit - They should score points, but I'd feel better about this offense if Kitna wasn't running it. To expand on that, I'd feel better about this team if Matt Millen wasn't running it.

NFC SOUTH

(1) New Orleans - Amazing what a difference competence at coach and QB makes. The offense should be even more dynamic, but I still wonder if they've fixed their secondary problems, though getting McKenzie back should help.

Carolina - Delhomme fell off badly in a disappointing all-around season for the Panthers, but is David Carr really the answer if his struggles continue? This whole team seems primed for a bounce-back year.

Tampa Bay - Chris Simms gave his spleen for the cause and almost didn't make this year's squad. Jeff Garcia comes in to run the offense, but the Bucs have backslid since their Super Bowl win. Gruden's gotta be on notice, right?

Atlanta - Say what you want about Vick on the field, but the Falcons had a nasty habit of not winning without him. All Harrington's proven is that he's pretty bad. They'll also miss Kerney more than everyone thinks.

NFC WEST

(4) Seattle - The Seahawks and Eagles had sort of similar seasons except the 'Hawks got their quarterback back. I'm still not sure why they traded Jackson to a division rival, though.

(6) San Francisco - The improving 49ers are a trendy pick to do some things with improving Alex Smith and an overhauled defense, but I don't really like their non-Jackson WRs and the division is a lot more competitive.

St. Louis - The Rams keep adding parts to their offense and can still remain competitive, but I'm not sure if the defense is up to holding up its end.

Arizona - We'll continue our tradition of not letting them off the hook, because even with a star-laden offense, yet another new coach, and an evolving defense, they're still the Arizona Cardinals until they prove otherwise.

AFC EAST

(3) New England - The Pats blew up their entire receiving corps in search of playmakers, but is Randy Moss still an elite player? This corner says no, but it probably won't matter too much as long as Brady's throwing the passes.

N.Y. Jets - The Meadowlands' other tenants were kind of overlooked as a team that probably overachieved last year. In the NFC, they'd be contenders. But they're not in the NFC.

Buffalo - The light went on for Losman in the second half last season, and the Bills also beefed up their offensive line in free agency. If Lynch can replace McGahee, they'll... still be a step behind the 49ers, for comparison.

Miami - They're gonna try yet again with Cam Cameron and Trent Green, but a young and inconsistent offensive line will make things difficult. The defense is still good, but its key players - Taylor, Thomas, Holliday, Traylor - are getting old.

NFC SOUTH

(1) Indianapolis - They know they can do it, so that's not an issue anymore. They're not very deep, though, and losing any of their stars could lead to some serious problems, especially on defense.

Tennessee - Vince Young continued his game-breaking ways as an NFL rookie, but he's got no help on offense. The defense won't miss Pacman with Harper and Herndon coming aboard.

Jacksonville - The Leftwich era ended just like that. I've always been a Garrard fan, but for the Jaguars to seriously think about being contenders, this has to work.

Houston - Matt Schaub? Ahman Green? Really? At least the Texans are building a defense with a high ceiling.

NFC NORTH

(2) Baltimore - McNair really stabilized the quarterback position for the Ravens and saved Billick's job in the process. McGahee adds a(nother?) dimension to the offense, and the defense keeps coming up with players to replace its losses.

(5) Pittsburgh - Last year shouldn't have happened, starting with Ben's motorcycle accident and filtering on down to a highly disappointing season. This team is better than last season showed, and I like them to come back strong.

Cincinnati - There's nothing wrong with this offense. The defense... well, that's another matter. The Bengals have big holes on the other side, and this conference is too tough to win with a defense as bad as this one.

Cleveland - I don't like the fact that they threw in the towel on Frye after a season and a half, but it is what it is. Quinn will be the man by season's end, but this is another team that hasn't done a lot of things right the last few years.

AFC WEST

(4) San Diego - Replacing Marty with Norv, while it preserves continuity, could prove to be the Chargers' eventual undoing as far as winning a Super Bowl is concerned. Seriously, Norv's never run a team this good, and if he screws this up...

(6) Denver - I didn't like last year's midseason switch to Cutler, either, but again, it is what it is. They'll run the ball and play solid defense, but you also have to wonder about their psyche a little considering how last season ended and the offseason deaths of two teammates.

Kansas City - Johnson will have to continue to carry the Chiefs to whatever success they're gonna have, because the rest of this team? Not that great.

Oakland - Dear Lord. Their quarterbacks are a has-been, a never-was, and an MIA. Their offensive line is dismal. Their new coach got sick during training camp. Can things actually get worse?

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Safe Crackers

This is hardly a lock. Does anyone else already miss the late-season Saturday afternoon game? Yeah, Tiki running wild like this is the only way this isn't his swan song, as he's the only person on that offense I'd trust at this point. If winning this game and making the playoffs means Coughlin gets to keep his job, as an Eagles fan, I'm all for it.

Signal Finder: DET @ DAL, OAK @ NYJ, ATL @ PHI, SF @ DEN (end)

Wow. The endings these last two weeks have been ... vintage Bengals.

Worst Game Of The Decade Candidate: Browns-Texans.

Screw T.O., why isn't Mike Furrey in the Pro Bowl? What that guy's done is borderline historic. Although either of these defenses could probably use him on their side right now. And speaking of Pro Bowl snubs, I think Newman's problem is guilt by association because these other guys can't cover anybody. I know I called the Romo degradation about three weeks ago, but it shouldn't be happening against the Lions. The 'anointing oils' haven't just been put away, they've been poured down the sink. Mike Williams lives! OK, Romo's salvage job there was quality. I can't hate on that. You know who's good is Jason Hanson. De-NIED! And Eagles fans everywhere do a jig. Something else I just remembered is that the Lions did something similar to the Rams a few years ago. I think it might have cost them home field or something. Still, this should never have happened.

Fox switched us to the start of the Eagles game and Jason and I were trying to figure out a way the Eagles could draw Dallas in the first round. (The Giants winning made it impossible.) Then when the game started, we were trying to figure out if and when they'd pull the starters after the Dallas result was known. Turns out the answer to that was "almost immediately." I never did determine if Jeff is still with Carmella or not. Why are all of the backup running backs getting hurt? It'd still suck to lose. Oh, all right. Never mind. Yeah, I didn't think this would happen. Certainly not the way it did.

This is the one thing Jake was really good at, as I know all too well. Going back to earlier in this one, what was with the Broncos' offense turning into the Redskins' at the goal line? Three trips inside the 5 and you don't get jack? Horrible. You do that and you probably need to lose. Is that enough time for The Original Alex Smith? Not if he's gonna do that, it isn't. I can't remember there ever being a situation where a team only needed to tie to get a playoff berth and it actually ended up in a tie. Seriously, if the Niners get some talent, watch out because Smith is making progress. I can't blame Menefee for missing the call initially ... I couldn't tell if he'd made it the first time, either. What an ugly kick. And ... the Chiefs get in, making Broncos fans sick to their stomachs and causing the Colts to throw up in their mouths. Is it just me or did the Broncos' fold not get nearly enough press?

Why is Testaverde in the game? Are they trying to lose? The Titans would have gotten in if they'd won, but it's just as well ... they're not ready.

Wow. The Bears needed this like Chicago needs another fire. Would it be so bad to go straight to Orton? Would anyone really complain after this? I also figure Favre told his teammates: "Y'know, this might be it for me. These guys shut us out in the opener for the first time ever. We've owned them for about as long as I've been here, especially here. Let's do it one more time." You didn't ask me, but I think he's done.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. San Diego (14-2) - Now they really need that bye week
2. Baltimore (13-3) - Who saw this one coming?
3. New Orleans (10-6) - Yay

BOTTOM 3:
30. Cleveland (4-12) - Romeo needs to keep his job
31. Detroit (3-13) - So bad, they can't even lose right
32. Oakland (2-14) - Drain the pool

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Dark Clouds

Does the "NFL" in NFL Network stand for "No F'n Letup in the weather?" Sheesh. Rayner almost pulled a Charlie Brown on himself. I think we've found our insomnia cure in the Vikings' offense. Let's break this down all the way, though. SPEED can't catch. Marcus Robinson's managed to have his career stolen twice, first by Marty Booker and then by Nate Burleson. You've also got Billy McMullen, who the Eagles didn't want, and Travis Taylor, who the Ravens didn't want. I'm gonna need you to not be shocked. (I wrote this part before Robinson got cut, thank you very much.)

Signal Finder: NE @ JAX, NO @ NYG, CIN @ DEN, SD @ SEA (end)

How is it that I'm in Sears, in the electronics department, on Sunday, and none of the TVs have the game on? Answer me that. So Pats-Jags was the early radio game, and what, exactly, happened to that official? He got pegged in the throat with a pass? Was that it? I'm also wondering why Del Rio didn't even bother throwing the ball at the end of the half. All right, be honest. This Patriots team: anyone scared?

The irony here is that Ron Dayne was supposed to do this every single week for the past six years or whatever.

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Bucs-Browns.

That right there is the biggest problem the Saints are gonna have: getting beaten deep. And now they're running wild. What's going on today? There's been a lot of that. That may or may not be the first time Whitfield's headbutted a guy. At least he was wearing a helmet. This year's Giants are last year's Saints: stupid, undisciplined, with a coach that's in over his head who the players may or may not respect (and in this case, I say 'not'.) Seriously, if Coughlin's not in trouble, he should be.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Bears-Lions. Wait, that's... that's... THAT'S BRIAN GRIESE'S MUSIC! (CCR's "Fortunate Son", obv) Was anyone else waiting for Lovie to say, "Yeah, hello? We were losing to the Lions?"

Dexter Jackson's put on some weight. "Hi. I'm Ocho Cinco." Meanwhile, Lynch is killing fools and the Bengals are handing this one to the Broncos. Throwing at Champ <> a wise move. Why's this Marshall kid getting all this run? Oh, yeah, that's just what that city needs; more weather events. The Broncos that started the season would have put the hammer down by now. Well, we're going to overD'OH!!! OK, that... that was a flashback to the old Bengals. "After the game, Domonique Foxworth hyperventilated at his locker but said he was fine." Yeah, that actually happened.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Brad St. Louis; 2. Any Indianapolis Colts defensive player; 3. Michael Boulware; 4. Marcus Robinson; 5. Joey Harrington (this was Rex until Monday night)

So T.O. shows up at the Eagles' hotel the night before and plays dominoes with some of the other wideouts. How does a game of dominoes among millionaires get started? The line on this game possibly deciding the division title now looks like an EKG. Carrie Underwood? The Eagles' defense has been rightly maligned lately, but one thing that has happened, especially over the past few weeks, is they've been difficult to score on in the red zone - the Redskins and Giants kicked a lot of field goals. WHAT. A pitch on fourth and goal from the 2? Did the defenses switch sides or something because the Cowboys haven't done anything on the ground. Seriously, they look like they've OD'd on tryptophan. Thanks for leaving at halftime, Terrell! "More wine and turkey?" The dump to Smith behind the Cowboys' blitz that went for 65 may be the best play the Eagles have run all year. Wow. This was a straight-up punking. There's no way the Eagles were supposed to win all three of these games on the road. None whatsoever. Madden: "I hate these uniforms." I FEEEEEEEEEEEEL GOOD

Really, now, what is with the weather in this country? This is like watching water boil. Oooohhhhh. OUCH! Washington and Coles get flattened on back to back plays. Can we re-edit "Jacked Up?" All I ask, Nugent, is that you don't try to throw it. Cleo Lemon? God, that's gotta hurt. Is this game still scoreless? Zzzzzzzzz... Hey, a field goal. Cleo Lemon! That's the first time they've scored in weeks. He got in; challenge that. Thanks. Nugent, Hawk and Mangold are all from the same town? That's sick. It's GOOD! I hope the Jets make it. And if they don't, I vote we give them the final NFC spot.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa: Finished fifth.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. San Diego (13-2) - LDT actually kept out of end zone
2. Baltimore (12-3) - Put Steelers out of their misery
3. New Orleans (10-5) - The real deal, folks

BOTTOM 3:
30. Cleveland (4-11) - It's a long, long road
31. Oakland (2-13) - They'll likely head straight to Times Square
32. Detroit (2-13) - A 100-person walkout protest? They can't even quit good

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Close to the Edge

Bubbles? I'd have that looked at. Man, gameday weather in Seattle this season may be the worst I've seen ever. Anybody see the Seahawks' inability to do anything here becoming a problem? How about giving Gore a little more credit for staying open and then diving to make the catch? Wow. The Smith TD run was embarrassing.

Looks like a hell of a game nobody can watch. And since no one saw it, let's talk about how stupid T.O. is. A guy you've burned twice for touchdowns a couple of hours ago comes out and says you spit in his face, but no one else saw it. You're asked point-blank about it. Why would you ever admit to it? Did he hear about the brawl at MSG and figure this would be a good time to pull this? Nah, I'm giving him too much credit; I don't think he's smart enough to think of that.

Signal Finder: WSH @ NO, PIT @ CAR, JAX @ TEN (4th), PHI @ NYG

This may be more yards than Parker ever gained while he played at UNC. Is it too late for Carolina to bring Rodney Peete back? LOL at the graphic showing all of the things that still have to break right for the Steelers. crosses off Panthers

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Lions-Packers.

Not a good start for the Redskins. Someone wake up the Saints; they're getting run over. And all this time I thought it was the back of their defense that was most vulnerable. Maybe Betts is actually that good. Or he's running hot. Congratulations...?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Buccaneers-Bears. Seriously, this was like a Bizarro World game. That Bucs comeback was ... unexpected, to say the least. Anyone see more than one replay of the Davis catch in overtime? How obvious was it?

Wow, special teams. Aaaaaand Tiki runs wild on the Eagles again. (I'm so glad he's retiring.) How is that a late hit? I'm glad to see that the irony of Shockey telling someone else to use their head wasn't lost on the announcers. This game is moving fast. What this is, right here, is a gut check. Touchdown! This game is still moving fast. How do you not get a touchdown on either of those two trips? Jason: "Run the ball?!" And then they did for the Westbrook TD, which reminds me that more teams (the Eagles included) should have the shotgun QB draw in their playbook that the Broncos have used for years. Why go for two there? WTF GARCIA. And then he follows it up by throwing a terrible interception. If they blow it because of that, he will be booed for life. Of course, the Giants can't stop the Eagles, either, so it may all work out. Remember that it was Brown who gave up the touchdown in overtime in the first game, and Cole who committed the penalty that led to overtime. Notice Tiki trying to knock the ball down, but he can't reach it. If the Giants end up not making the playoffs (and there's now a scenario where they could win out and not make it) Coughlin needs to be fired. There, I said it. Me, Week 11: "crosses off Eagles" OOPS.

SING THE SONG.

LOL at Chad's shoes. The detail is horrible. Nice to hear Merton Hanks has found work, though. (How random was that?) They say chicken soup is always good for what ails you; well, in the Colts' case, it's bread and butter. By which I mean Manning to Harrison. It doesn't seem like Peyton's been under pressure at all tonight. Dwight Freeney lives!

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. San Diego (12-2) - Grinding along
2. Baltimore (11-3) - Boller strong in relief again
3. Indianapolis (11-3) - Back on track

BOTTOM 3:
30. Tampa Bay (3-11) - Back to the bad old days
31. Oakland (2-12) - At least ... some of them ... can ... play defense
32. Detroit (2-12) - Does anybody care?

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Weak Links

Frenchy Fuqua had that record? I wouldn't have guessed that. And how about telling us his real name?

Signal Finder: PHI @ WSH, BAL @ KC, DEN @ SD

Ladell Betts? Seriously? Ladell fucking Betts is doing this? Awful. Hey, an interception! Great heads-up play by TAFKA Will Peterson on the Lewis pick, and check out the block by Considine right after he catches it. Garcia's thrown a few of those ugly-looking floater passes, but he's gotten away with it so far. Man, the Redskins cannot close. This game should be a lot closer than it is. It'd be nice if the Eagles could stop Betts one time, though. Baldinger pointed out that the Eagles haven't been using their eight-man defensive line rotation as much with Kearse out. I say go back to it. It can't hurt at this point. Who is calling these red zone plays for the Redskins? Why are they exhuming T.J. Duckett here when Betts has been running wild? Big, big sack there by Dawkins - now they have to kick it. This is how the first game ended, right?

Of course, the Eagles' run defense can look at the Colts' and say, "Y'all got issues." Garrard: 14 pass attempts. Of course, when you run for two miles, you don't need to throw the ball that much.

Are the Chiefs still punch-drunk from last week? Nice throw into triple coverage, Trent. Geez.

Disillusioned Panthers fans, this is your alternative. Watch and cower in terror. On the other side of this, if the Giants lose this, they're officially done. Eil seems to have righted his ship, though the Panthers being down to their fourth and fifth corners doesn't hurt, either. Foster might as well have waited another week to come back.

Did that rumored fourth-quarter walkout by Lions fans end up gong down? Anyone?

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1-4. The Houston Texans; 5. Deion Branch. (Oh, and in case you were wondering, the Saints visit Houston next season.)

Did anyone see this coming? Good Lord. It's a good thing the Patriots aren't going to the Super Bowl anyway because Brady's gonna have nightmares about Miami after this farce. More on this later.

On the other hand, the Jets seem to be allergic to potential prosperity. Better corners would help. As would the ability to stop a sick man from breaking off a 57-yard scoring run - apparently McGahee was sick during the game and was eating a sandwich on the side line to get some food in him. Yeesh. The Jets will live to regret this one.

This right here is a beatdown. Who the hell is Tony Scheffler? This is now starting to look eerily like the first game with the roles reversed. Oh, wait, never mind. I suggested that for our "Fantasy Heroes" graphic, we should perma-weld LDT in there and just pick four other guys every week.

Well, that was entirely too easy. No Horn for the Saints, but Colston's allegedly back. Who in the blue hell is Mike Karney? I'll ask again: Who in the BLUE HELL is Mike Karney? Parcells did that on purpose, right? It's not like there was 1:59 left and the clock was running or something; there were about 40 seconds left. Why would you do that? What a sequence this last 30 seconds has been. Wow. Where's T.O. been tonight? Ah, there he is, getting an extremely lucky deflection. How that wasn't picked off, I'll never know. Romo hasn't been great (though this wasn't the total meltdown that all new, young starting QBs inevitably have), but the Cowboys' defense has gotten lit up like Christmas tonight. They're taking a knee with three minutes left? That's almost a bigger insult than just keeping on playing. That's like saying, "This ass-kicking has become tiresome." I'll be that's never happened in Saints history. I want to bottle this game.

Barack~~~~~~~~~ Over/under on "Griese on the bench" shots tonight: 4. What the ... did the Rams secretly rehire Mike Martz? What was that? Like eight instead of seven is going to make a difference the way the Bears have been going? We actually missed the first Hester return because we were trying to figure out if the Rams had, in fact, gone for two at the beginning of the second quarter. Looks like Rex has reverted back to September form. And looks like the Rams' defense has reverted back to something less than optimal. Hey, it's that Hester guy again. Lovie should put Griese in at the end here for shits and giggles, am I right? crosses off Rams

FANTASY REPORT

Well. I'd had a feeling all week that I might lose to Wade in our first-round playoff game, but I never thought it would happen because of Tom Brady getting sacked four times, throwing for about 20 yards, and basically having his worst game ever.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. San Diego (11-2) - It's even nice in January
2. Baltimore (10-3) - A nice recovery at a tough venue
3. Indianapolis (10-3) - This has officially become A Problem

BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (4-9) - Here, have some salt for that wound
31. Detroit (2-11) - Choose your hellhole, Brady Quinn, this one...
32. Oakland (2-11) - ...or this one

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Get A Grip

The production seems ... kind of minimalist, actually. Jamal Lewis lives! What this does remind me of is how much I hate Bryant Gumbel's voice. Reason #624 To Like Chad Johnson: His culpability. The Bengals' defense is crushing the Ravens otherwise tonight. Wipe off your camera lenses, please. THIS NEVER WORKS. Oh, wait. Wait, they couldn't have called that in time. Who doesn't love the flea-flicker? This is obvious, but B.J. Sams breaking his leg is a real blow, and the muff on the following punt was a direct result of that. These fans really want a shutout. Oops.

Signal Finder: MIN @ CHI, NYJ @ GB (for about 90 seconds), DAL @ NYG, JAX @ MIA

Shhhh... don't tell anyone, but the Titans have been getting better every week for the last month. Of course, Peyton can still do that and make it not matter so much. That's the 100th time? Wow. Witness how the Titans are tearing up the Colts' run defense. Interception? Interception. That might be too much time. Sixty yards? Are you kidding me? "Just a dream and the wind to carry me / Soon I will be free.."

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. The lost art of tackling (Guy who couldn't bring down Derek Anderson on his run in overtime, I'm looking at you); 2. Rex Grossman; 3. Nick Novak; 4. a Vikings quarterback; 5. The guy on the Broncos who fumbled the kickoff return on a hit by the kicker should have retired by now.

The way these two teams have gone, this could easily end up 6-5 or some nonsense. PROTECT THE $&(*^&#!(%$@# FOOTBALL. Once Hester got to the 30 and still had about eight Vikings to elude, I knew he'd make it. Look, I know you can throw on these guys, but Rex is trying to do way too much. I blame Steve Spurrier. Good Lord, what's happened to Brad Johnson? He's a Game Manager; he doesn't do stupid crap like that. Ricky Manning Jr. should really be starting somewhere. When did Cedric Benson start playing? Brooks Bollinger? Oh, shit. Is that Jackson? I thought he hurt his knee. What happened to Bollinger?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Lions-Patriots. Seriously, I don't even know how that happens. I know a win's a win and all that, but if I'm a Pats fan I'm scared to death right now.

San Diego ... Super Chaaaaaaargers...

NO! NOT THE RED JERSEYS! They look like scuba suits, am I right? Does "Kiwanuka" translate into "curse" from whatever language that is? Good Lord. We're nearing the point where the hot-starting new quarterback crashes and burns horribly, so take that for whatever it's worth. You already knew this, but Plaxico's a complete idiot. By the way, who am I rooting for here? CRACK BACK. That's not a good start for Gramatica. More than anything else, it's the Raideresque stupid penalties the Giants always take that have me convinced that Coughlin's hold on this team is tenuous at best. Eli's played pretty well today, which is what he needed. Nice hands, T.O. Who the hell called that time out? That's a gutsy throw by Eli for several reasons, not the least of which is that it's Plaxico on the other end. You know who's good is Jason Witten. THIS NEVER WORKS. Buck: "Remember, of course, that nobody celebrates a field goal like a Gramatica." Aikman: "Yeah, if he makes this one, expect him to be out next week." As tempted as I am to cross off the Giants, the NFC's so bad.

As ineffective as Jake's been, I think this is a mistake. Cutler screws this up from here on and the Broncos are out of the playoffs. Of course, that may not matter if the Seahawks continue to move the ball at a pace that would make a snail say, "C'mon! Pick it up!" Eat it, Jay. EAT IT. See, that's why you eat that. Plummer: "I could've done that." I see Darrell Jackson's reverted to 2004 form. That's it; Shanahan's officially lost his mind. Why would you ever call a fake FG - and run that play especially - in that situation? I'll take back that D-Jack comment now. Mellencamp commercial count: 5. Why has Hasselbeck not thrown a single pass in the fourth quarter? OUCH. Oh, this looks bad. Man. You gotta go for it there, right? Fourth and 1 from the 5? OMG. Good thing they didn't, then. Is this too much time? Josh Brown for the win AGAIN! That guy's pretty good.

It's seriously weak how Panthers fans are turning on Delhomme. They do know Chris Weinke is their backup, right? LMAO at the teams going to the wrong sidelines after the coin toss. Why is Rod Hood covering Steve Smith one on one? I thought Garcia couldn't throw deep. What he has done is get away from pressure well. Can't really say the same for Delhomme. Somebody tackle DeAngelo Williams, please. Both punters are earning their money tonight. Does Delhomme usually complain this much, or is he just getting frustrated? Steve Smith's hip broke Michael Lewis's nose. The hell are you booing for? Nothing happened! OK, this routine where the game can't stay tied for more than five minutes is getting annoying. Gogogogogo Reggie Brown. Apparently the Eagles have found the one team that sucks worse at the fourth quarter than they do. I love the reverse in that spot. How do you throw a pass so high that a guy 6-5 and JUMPING can't catch it? At the end I figured they were booing Keyshawn for whining like the little bitch that he is. (Lito released him before they got into the end zone, and Theismann earns his money by pointing out that the refs have been a little lax with the contact rules all night.) He's gonna get fined for that.

"Predicted Week 15 Flex Game: Chiefs-Chargers (the best of a sorry lot)" DING.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (10-3, L1): We lose to Merc and drop to the No. 2 seed in the playoffs, which is actually good because the No. 1 seems to be cursed. We'll face Wade in the first round.

JackSux III (4-9, W1): Well, it's something. Actually, no, it isn't.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. San Diego (10-2) - LDT's "Fantasy Hero" streak: Five weeks and counting
2. Indianapolis (10-2) - The hell was that?
3. Baltimore (9-3) - *hiccup*

BOTTOM 3:
30. Tampa Bay (3-9) - I have to ask: is Gruden in trouble here?
31. Detroit (2-10) - So close... but not really
32. Oakland (2-10) - Someone please pull the plug

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: A Leg (Of Lamb) Up

And Harrington is greeted with a cacophony of boos. The Lions seem ... I don't really want to say 'inspired', but more so than normal. Can no one cover a deep route in this game? Harrington looks disoriented and confused: "What is that... that... is that cheering? I haven't heard that in years!" Thumbs up for the Holt interception. If this keeps up the Lions may have to bring back Billy Sims. The Dolphins were supposed to play this well all year, right?

May I just say that the Fox voters suck. Is this really the Bucs' first Thanksgiving game? Didn't we just see this? The Williams interception was unexpected because that's exactly the kind of pass that he gets torched on with regularity. This is almost a carbon copy of the first game. How do you get lit up by Tony Romo? I'm sure the Salvation Army will put that game ball to good use.

Signal Finder: PIT @ BAL, NO @ ATL, JAX @ BUF (end), NYG @ TEN, CHI @ NE (end)

So I just found out two weeks ago that I actually have NFL Network - are people actually sitting and watching "The Red Zone"? It looks absolutely mind-numbing and pointless.

Blood hatred~~~~ I'm still astounded that nobody seems to realize that Billick is saving his job with this run. I don't want to call this a 'return' to the 'old-school' Ravens defense because, well, it's the Ravens, but they certainly look like the unit we all remember. They are absolutely crushing. Literally. Every time Ben has pump-faked, something bad has happened. Every time. He should really stop doing that. I've already crossed off the Steelers, right? OMG a Kyle Boller sighting. This one's over. Yes, already. Seriously, this game took about two hours.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Panthers-Redskins.

I have to believe having McGahee back has helped at least a little bit. We jumped into this one during the Jags' game-tying drive and it was pointed out that they were in that 'win on Monday night then go on the road' spot for the second time this season and they lost the first one. Matt Jones! Who? Yeah, this is going to overtime PROVIDED THEY COVER THE KICKOFF. I can't remember a better catch than the one Parrish made here. There's no way that's not good.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Eli Manning; 2. the Cleveland Browns; 3. a Seattle meteorologist; 4. Jake Plummer; 5. an Atlanta Falcons quarterback, wide receiver, or tight end

True Stat: LDT touchdown passes in 2006: 2. Aaron Brooks touchdown passes in 2006: 2.

Here's a good spot for Eli and the Giants to get well, no? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Wow, they're actually using Jacobs outside the two-yard line. This is different. Nothing has happened for the longest time in this game. When did Pacman decide to stop sucking? And why did Plaxico just give up on the route and not even try to tackle him afterwards? Well, at least they won't get shut out. All right, now this is getting interesting in the bad way. Did he just let Young out of his grasp? Are you kidding me? I mean, I know these days guys are getting roughing the QB penalties after actual sacks, but you don't let him go after you've got him. Don't you watch film? And now this game's going to overtime. Just throw it away, Eli. Just throw it aw- dear Lord. This should never have happened.

Predicted Week 15 Flex Game: Chiefs-Chargers (the best of a sorry lot)

REVENGE FOR SUPER BOWL XX. For all the hating I've done on Rex over the years, I think we all forget that this is only his 18th actual start or so. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. This game could end up 0-0 at this rate what with nobody wanting to score and all. It's a good thing Brady makes his money with his arm and not his feet. Man, both of these teams looked like crap.

On a professional level, this matchup yielded the best headline I've ever written: "STAMPEDE!: Colts run roughshod over Eagles". The problem?: That was back in 1999. OK, I take back what I said earlier about the Parrish catch. The Wayne catch was sick. Madden keeps harping on the Eagles' need for a big back and he's right and all, but I think it'd carry a little more weight if they weren't DOWN BY 21 POINTS. Although Westbrook's playing big tonight. Damn, Lito just took that ball out of Harrison's hands. That never happens. Why are they teasing us like this? They can't pull this off. Let me remind you all that I knew this was going to be bad. I did not, however, expect it to go down like this. I mean, I know the Colts' running game has been steadily improving all year, but this is ridiculous.

Has this been the worst year for Seattle weather ever? Seems like every Seahawks game this year it's been raining or raining or ... snowing? That's a new one. And that's the opposite of a good start. On 2+2 they're trying to figure out which team's had the fewest quarterbacks since Favre's streak began. I liked Kimmel throwing out that timely question to Theismann about handling the ball in the snow, but I got lost after the bit about Branch's gloves. The Packers should really be up by 21 at least. Did Hasselbeck practice this week? He's got no timing. I don't think any running play yet has ended with an actual tackle. It's more like the ball carrier just slides sideways for a bit at the end of the run and is touched down afterwards. Seriously, how are the Seahawks only down two at halftime? Oh, wait, I know what happened: the real Hasselbeck didn't arrive until halftime. Either that or there was Chunky Soup involved. It's like night and day. That may have been the quietest 200-yard rushing day ever. Alexander hearts ESPN. Johnny: "Well, that was fun. I think."

FANTASY REPORT USFLaPa (10-2, W4): We're basically racing with Chaz now for the No. 1 seed.

JackSux (3-9, L1): You know what's really maddening? I have more total points than half the teams in the league, and yet I'm in last place.

RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. San Diego (9-2) - Why mess with a working formula?
2. Indianapolis (10-1) - Edge who?
3. Baltimore (9-2) - Best team performance of the week

BOTTOM 3:
30. Arizona (2-9) - Just fire them all already
31. Oakland (2-9) - See "True Stat"
32. Detroit (2-9) - Harringtowned

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: The Beginning of the End

Signal Finder: TEN @ PHI, SEA @ SF, IND @ DAL

Yes, I started Chad this week.

It's way too early to be plugging the halftime show, isn't it? Jebus. That's 14 points the Eagles have flat-out dropped. What happened there? What do you mean, he can't put any weight on it? Oh, no, here comes the cart. This never ends well. Is Garcia still dating what's-her-name? Anybody know? Ever heard of tackling? Hey, the Titans found something Pacman can actually do. Good for them. Voting for Upset of the Year is officially closed. What's that, Andy? Oh. crosses off Eagles

Is it just me or do the Browns have the market cornered on ways to lose games they had won ever since they came back?

Is anybody going to score here? Anyone? Hello? Oh, here's ... oh, wait, Clark fell down. Scratch that. He was down, right? Right? Wow, Dungy really should have challenged that. Bad job by his staff on that one. Way to go, Vanderjagt! Both of these teams have looked pretty bad. Uh, Peyton? Who the hell was supposed to catch that? This should never have happened. I, for one, am disgusted. And NBC just threw up in its mouth.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. The Vikings' offense; 2. Andrew Walter; 3. The Browns' defense

Look who's back! Nice suit, Coach. Alexander looks rusty, like he didn't practice enough last week or something. Is this right? I'm seeing things, right? Eh, the Niners are so bad defensively it'll never hold up. See? Like I said. Whoa, big stop there. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I'm going to repeat that, because it bears repeating. TIIIIICK tick tick tick tick TIIIIIIICK tick tick tick tick ... oops.

So the Chargers are going to come into Denver and lose again? Is that it? As a side note, we've heard that damn song three time already and the first quarter isn't even over yet, though that's not as bad as last week when they ran it three times before kickoff. Did we ever decide if it was the system or the backs? Because I have no idea who the hell Damien Nash is and he's gaining eight yards a pop. I don't think the Chargers are gonna be able to make this comeback running the ball. Well, they can always do that. Uh-oh. UH-OH. OK, the run LDT has been on as of late is borderline historic, isn't it? And what's sort of been overlooked in the midst of this and Rivers' improvement is how closely the two are related. This offense, while not as good overall as the Colts', has made the Broncos' defense look like clowns in the second half. Look at this. They're kicking off inside Broncos territory. That's got to be a first. This ending sequence here is completely unpredecented - you never see "the dumbest penalty ever" happen four times in a row. If the Chargers end up blowing this, Marty will set that stadium on fire on the spot, mark my words. Madden: "There's two footballs on the field."

I'm beginning to wonder if MNF should have a talk show-type announcer telling us who's going to be visiting the booth every week. Del Rio ALSO choosing to rock the suit. I like this trend. At the outset here, it looks like the good Jaguars have shown up tonight. The Giants are really spinning their wheels here. How'd he get away with that one? Was no one there? Eli is completely off, and they're going to miss Toomer more than people realize. I'm pretty sure I've expressed my David Garrard fandom before -- that big run he had there is what I'm talking about. The Giants didn't need this. You know the Jags are 3-1 against the NFC East (and could make a case for 4-0)?

FANTASY REPORT: USFLaPa (9-2, W3): So glad I didn't try to trade Brady last week for WR help. So, so glad. I'm smart. S-M-R-T. Oh, yeah, we're 9-2 after beating the Yorkville Gamblers.

JackSux 3: Oooh. This one's gonna be close. Jen had a lead of about 2.5 on me going into MNF, and I had Eli and she had Shockey. (EDIT: HOLY CRAP I WON! I WON! IT'S MORNING AGAIN IN AMERICA.)

RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. San Diego (8-2) - Comeback kids du jour
2. Chicago (9-1) - Bears 2, East Rutherford 0
3. Indianapolis (9-1) - Too many little things went wrong

BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (3-7) - J.P. Losman? Really? Inexcusable
31. Detroit (2-8) - Leinart wins!
32. Oakland (2-8) - What question is Brooks possibly the answer to at this point?

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Home Sour Home II

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, DAL @ AZ, DEN @ OAK, STL @ SEA, NO @ PIT (end)

Nice weather today. Welcome back, Mr. Stallworth. Look at Dawkins come swooping in to break up a sure touchdown. That's why we love him. Was it a fumble or a lateral? I'm still not completely sure, as it looked like Brown slipped when he turned and the ball came out. The radio guys called it a lateral but Reid said it was a fumble. Yeah, it's officially not Portis's year. I'm looking at this, and I think it should be Redskins ball at the 1. Oooh, they got that one wrong. Re-kick? When did they kick it? What's going on down there? Oh, on the field goal. OK. Jebus. Stockton: "Well, that's over." And this is just about where the Redskins have been shutting themselves down all game. See? T.J. Duckett LIVES! WTF with the slant call? I need to ask: did Miller Lite pay to get some of the new crowd signs planted this season? We had "B-lock" this week, and I'm almost certain I saw "OFF-fence" somewhere either last week or two weeks ago. crosses off Redskins

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Bills-Colts. Though the Colts' running game just might end up being good enough.

Clearly I should bench Chad in fantasy every week. Looks like the Bengals have finally woken up. Looks like the Chargers have finally woken up. This ... this is nuts. Words are inadequate. And yet the Bengals are staying in front ... until that happened. LDT is a man among men. Clearly, I should bench Chad in fantasy every week. Marty: "If you didn't enjoy this ... then you might not enjoy football."

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close II: Patriots-Jets. Apparently the story all week was that Belichick was annoyed when Mangini took the Jets job against his wishes/advice, and that Mangini showed the Jets a tape of Clay-Liston I the night before. Still, there's no reason for this. You know all three of the Patriots' losses have been at home? The Jets are 5-4? Jebus.

Didn't the Texans beat the Jaguars like, just last week?

Eh, go for it. You're 1-7 and all getting fired anyway, for the love of God. Shame for Leinart that Reggie Bush wasn't around to push him over there. I have to say, if nothing else, these are nice digs the Cardinals have. Is there a more one-sided 'rivalry' in sports than this one? Do Cowboys fans even care about the Cardinals?

Way to go, Jake! I've clearly chosen poorly today. And this game has come to a screeching halt. Hey, the Denver defense is back! Ah, same old Raiders. They could've won this game if they didn't suck so hard.

Are the Saints regressing?

I need to know something; maybe you guys can help me out. Whose country is this?

And the weather here hasn't gotten any better. Not the start Rex wanted after last week. How do you let a guy break off a run - a RUN - like that on 3rd and 22? Can't anybody here hold on to the football? Well, Mark Bradley can, at least. Tiki hasn't been the same since he went out. The Giants are running out of guys again, it looks like. Holy - are they gonna do this again? Wow. Wowowowowowow. I don't know where 'hold a candle up to it' came from, but Al and John were right - the Giants really should've just tried to get closer for a closer FG attempt or just punted, since you're likely not getting the first down there. When they dug up the stat on third down runs of over 20 yards, I questioned how there's unemployment in this country.

I was going to predict the next flex game but I've already learned it'll be Eagles-Colts, which means NBC must have wanted to televise a bloodletting that night. Peyton owns us like he owns the Broncos.

FANTASY REPORT USFLaPa (8-2, W2): We held off the Mid Season Quitters (who are anything but at 7-3) and are tied for first.

JackSux III (2-8, L8): So, yeah, I benched Chad Johnson. Who proceeded to score 45 points. And I would have won had I played him. Shoot me. Shoot me in the head.

RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (9-0) - Even the narrowest escapes work sometimes
2. Denver (7-2) - Broncos survive gut check
3. San Diego (7-2) - Bouncing into 2 vs. 3 showdown next week

BOTTOM 3:
30. Detroit (2-7) - Not much going right here
31. Oakland (2-7) - Bad enough to lose again
32. Arizona (1-8) - Should face Ohio State-Michigan loser

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: The Clearing

Signal Finder: DAL @ WSH, HOU @ NYG, DEN @ PIT

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Packers-Bills.

Three cheers for hated rivals. There's an auspicious beginning. Doesn't the chart also say that you should never go for two before the fourth quarter? If not, it should. Romo looks decent. If the Redskins lose, you can cross them off and start getting Jason Campbell prepped. Hey, T.O., nice catch. Wait, here they come now. And here's the Redskins' season possibly on the line. He missed? Good Lord. Did the Cowboys really get down there in like 12 seconds? LIQUORED-UP IDIOT KICKER. I don't know if that was a 15-yard face mask - in fact, I'm thinking it wasn't - but I'll take it. OMG Nick Novak again. That JUST made it.

Chaz: "Lost to the Dolphins, huh? They ARE the '85 Bears!"

You know who's good is Roy Williams. Even the biggest pessimist had to see this one coming out of the Lions at some point, as this is what Mike Martz's offenses do. The Falcons were supposed to win this game, right?

The Ravens are 6-2? Really?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Texans-Giants. Seriously.

Rod Smith lives! I think Plummer's implosion in the championship game last year caused Shanahan to scale back his passing opportunities. His stats don't show it, but it seems like they're running the ball early in games more than ever. Man, the Steelers look like they've been hit by lightning. Still, there's some shades of the old Ben on the TD pass to Parker, and a good job by Parker to get himself open. The crowd cheering when Wilson replaced Holmes on the punt return ... you know it's a rough year. Wow, Javon Walker is just going off. Cuts across the field to beat the pursuit and then just ... he may still be running. Oh, no, he had to stop and line up to catch another touchdown pass. crosses off Steelers

The thing about this is the Colts aren't intimidated any more after last year. Wait, don't run it out! "Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fucking do it again." Huh, I thought I heard Maroney might not play tonight. And playing the role of Reggie Wayne last week will be ... Marvin Harrison. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Did the ending of the first half remind anyone of last year's playoff loss to Denver? That whole "Are these the Patriots?" vibe? What I'm noticing about Wilkins on his punt returns (and it's strange that I'm noticing this) is he doesn't force anything. He'll actually slow down and wait for some blocks to be set up instead of immediately changing direction. Wrap him up, Freeney! WRAP HIM UP! Great catch by Harrison. WTF Vinatieri. Wow. Brady was nothing short of bad tonight (Granted, he got no help from his receivers) but not as bad as the MNF loss to the Dolphins a couple of years ago that is still Upset of the Decade.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Kevin Faulk Tyler Brayton; 2. Kevin Faulk; 3. Ben Roethlisberger; 4. Santonio Holmes; 5. A placekicker.

And things continue to go wrong for the Raiders. Gotta love that weather. The Raiders' defense has acutally sort of been able to hold the Seahawks down after that start, but they can't move the ball at all. Man, Moss is having an awful night. That's Bosworth? I thought it was Terry Bradshaw until he started talking. I'm starting to fear for Andrew Walter's health. What's helping the Seahawks is that they don't actually have to play all that well to win this game. What the hell was that? Was that the Harley Race knee? Is dude a Triple H fan or something? Throw his ass out! shakes head And the Raiders become the first team to be shut out on MNF twice in the same season or something obscene like that.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (7-2, W1): Back on track after LDT carried me to a win over Doom.

JackSux III (2-7, L7): The trade: Brad Johnson and Tony Gonzalez to Butch for Issac Bruce, Byron Leftwich, Michael Turner, and the Bengals D. The result: A loss to Butch. Chad Johnson is benched until he gets his shit together.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (8-0) - Two huge road wins give Colts top spot
2. Denver (6-2) - Nice bounce-back
3. San Diego (6-2) - Chugging along under radar

BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (2-6) - Meh for moral victories
31. Oakland (2-6) - This wouldn't be happening if Al Davis was still alive
32. Arizona (1-7) - At least they didn't lose

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: All You Can Eat, Baby

Signal Finder: JAX @ PHI, STL @ SD, IND @ DEN, UCONN @ RU

The other reason the Tampa Bay loss is so bad is that the Eagles have a bye week next week, and they always lose this game and usually look horrible doing so. With that in mind ... that's as ominous a beginning as possible. And it's just getting worse from here. The Jaguars aren't even pretending to consider passing the ball. Apparently the rule there is once you, as the punter, start to run with the ball, you're fair game regardless. (Aside: How the hell was that #1 on "Jacked Up!"? That was the weakest hit of the five.) "There are no cameras allowed within the player box" because Stroud was on the sideline with a camera in his bag taking pictures of the action, I guess. You know it's getting bad when McNabb has to lobby to get a clear facemask call. The field-level mics are excellent today. What's with all the penalties? It's like they've become the Raiders. Wow, the Jaguars are literally running wild here like nobody has this season. In a way, I'm not surprised by any of this. CATCH THE FUCKING BALL. What is this, 2001 again?

OCHO CINCO. LOL at Carson ripping the fake name banner off the back. And it's about time Chad got involved, isn't it? Vick's going off again. Can he keep it up? Why is Schaub in on the two-point conversion?

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Texans-Titans.

Reggie Bush, while good, is clearly no LaDanian Tomlinson, as evidenced by that ill-advised pass there. These are the Saints of, well, most years: the bunch that can't get out of their own way. Man, Heap catching the ball off the tip by Craft - now they're just sabotaging themselves. Billick takes over the playcalling and the Ravens put up 35? Was that the solution all these years?

from the wire story: "About half the team the Seahawks took to the last Super Bowl seemed either suspended, demoted or lame." Is Brock Huard still in the league? Man, the Seahawks' offense is beyond bogged down; it's positively stagnant, though give Seneca credit for trying. LJ's running wild. Are they really getting lit up by Eddie Kennison? Really? Don't throw it! At least not there! The Chiefs are really, really trying to lose this game ... first that, then Law dropping the pick, then he fell on the Jackson touchdown. Wow, did they get bailed out.

The Cardinals may not recover from the Bears chokeout. I mean ever. The hell were you thinking, Edge? At least he finally scored.

The Jets are 4-4? If it weren't for the Saints, this would be the surprise of the year.

THIS IS A CLASH OF TITANS. This should be very interesting if only to see if Shanahan lets the Broncos' offense try to do anything against the Colts' defense. The Colts would be better served at this point using the pass to set up the run. Darrent Williams is getting used and abused. You know who's good is Peyton Manning. This can't be what the Broncos wanted - they're putting uppoints, but they have to because their vaunted defense is getting cut up. On the flip side, usually the score would be about 33-10 by now. Mike Bell in the house! 1:48? Yeah, that's way too much time. See?

I got the two years switched in my head. Sorry, Rob. (But I'm right about the fallout from that Arizona loss.) WTF Ben. Hey, a Jerry Porter sighting! He could be just the... spark... this offense... needs? Wow. This is truly pathetic. On both sides. Cowher really just needs to put Batch back in because Ben's not right.

LDT goes off. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. It's strange actually seeing the dramatic philosophical shift the Rams have undergone under Linehan. Falling behind early put the kibosh on that, though. Stephen Davis? I'm not sure about the onside kick in that spot. I mean, yeah, you'd have to score almost immediately if you stop them on defense, but if they get it and score, it's over. Maybe next time they'll listen to me.

What's happened to the Panthers?

It's almost too obvious a strategy, isn't it? Throw the ball repeatedly against a good run defense? So that's where Brooks Bollinger ended up. I didn't know.

FANTASY REPORT USFLaPa (5-3, L1): Thanks to McNabb's no-show (not to mention, well, everybody else's), Chaz crushed us. I'm not a fan of my WR depth at this point. Next is Doom, who scored all of 20 points last week.
JackSux (2-6, L6): Enough is enough AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE. My six-player deal with Butch had not been approved at press time.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Chicago (7-0) - If they can keep scoring points like this...
2. Indianapolis (7-0) - Clear leader in AFC
3. (tie) New England (6-1) - Don't look now, but...
(tie) San Diego (5-2) - The Merriman situation bears watching

BOTTOM 3:
30. Oakland (2-5) - Ah, sweet home cooking
31. Detroit (1-6) - Meh
32. Arizona (1-7) - Same old Cardinals

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: A Real Kick In The Pants

Signal Finder: PHI @ TB, WSH @ IND, DEN @ CLE (what)

I'd love to know why we got a CBS early game last week but not this week. As it is, all I've got to watch during the commercials is a DirecTV infomercial hosted by Brooke Burke. Didn't the Steelers and Falcons play to some high-scoring tie last time they hooked up? Ben looks better. Vick looks good. I can't say the same for the alleged coverage on Ward. CLANG. Just looking at Ben being carted off, you can tell he has no idea where he is. He might think he's still dating Natalie Gulbis. Somebody get that man his shoe! How does a field goal get screwed up three times? Wow. This one's going to linger. After this I expect Arthur Blank to pay Terry Bradshaw to rip Vick every week.

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Packers-Dolphins.

What's happened to the Jaguars?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Eagles-Bucs. The worst part of Joe Buck doing World Series games is you've got nobodies like whoever this is with Baldinger doing second-tier games. I can't imagine who's in Oakland. I say the block of cream cheese melts about 1/4 of the way but the cheesesteak is unaffected. Wow, the Bucs have no offense. Who are you and what have you done with Donovan? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I'm sure they're good people, and they come across like they are, but from a strictly competitive standpoint I really don't like the Barber brothers. Ronde owns Donovan like John Welbourn used to own Warren Sapp, and Tiki's been killing them for years. You wanna throw that into the end zone next time? Good Lord. And now it's time for the third quarter comeback. Thomas Tapeh lives! There's a nice visual, thanks for that. There's always a point where there's a few plays in a row where everything on both sides happens noticeably slower than anything else that's gone on so far, and this is that point. YAY WESTBROOK. Nice tackling. Okay, they're kidding themselves. Dude hasn't even broken 40 yards this year, and he's never cleared 50. Nice straight kick at least. WTHITGDSMF. You know what the worst part about that is? There are a few guys in this league who can realistically make that kick. One of them is in this game. And it sure as hell isn't MATT FUCKING BRYANT.

Wow, that Super Bowl losers' hangover is in full effect, isn't it?

Not a good-looking hit on Peyton there. What's all this nonsense? When did the Redskins become the Raiders? They're kicking off from their own 5. That has to be a record. If Peyton doesn't come out for the second half there's gonna be problems. Oh, never mind then.

No one but me remembers this, but it was an overtime loss at home to the Cardinals that started the Raiders' collapse that year when they ended up in the Tuck Rule game, and then, really, started this steep descent into the mess they're in today. I wonder if the Raiders are who they thought they were, also. Why did Fox even bother cutting to this?

I forgot to mention this last week but I don't recognize Barry Alvarez not wearing a red shirt. (The entire BCS segment on the O.T. threw me. The whole time I'm thinking "Why is the BCS trophy there? And who's the suit?")

The Giants have never won in Dallas on Monday night? I didn't know that. If I'm them I rush on every down - this line can't block a casket. SAFETY! ding You can't throw that pass. You just can't. Who's luckier at this point? The case could be made that the Fastest 3 Minutes is now the best NFL highlights paackage on the air. Tony freakin' Romo gets a standing ovation? You realize that's one step closer to the Lions, right? Welcome to the big leagues, kid. Nice catch, T.O. The Giants are just piling on now. Quarterback draw! Told you. Parcells: "They out-everythinged us."

FANTASY REPORT
USFLaPa (6-1, W6): CROSS-LEAGUE REVENGE FROM LAST WEEK as I hang on to beat Gates by .12. I was hoping Tiki didn't score any touchdowns, but I forgot that he also has Jay Feely. LDT's touchdown pass was big.

JackSux (2-5, L5): On the other hand, SHV can't get out of its own way. I think the lesson I've learned here is I should never actually draft my own teams.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Chicago (6-0) - Week off gives Rex time to learn to set feet
2. Indianapolis (6-0) - No one's talking about them, which might be a good thing
3. Denver (5-1) - How does a 5-1 team have a quarterback controversy?

BOTTOM 3:
30. Detroit (1-6) - At least Roy Williams is showing something
31. Miami (1-6) - Joey should consider golf. Or poker
32. Oakland (1-5) - Yeah, yeah, they won. They still suck

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Crown Their Asses

Signal Finder: PHI @ NO, HOU @ DAL (ew), TEN @ WSH, CIN @ TB (end), KC @ PIT, MIA @ NYJ

I was gonna ask if the Saints got the same new indoor grass that the Falcons did but it's plainly obvious. Joe Horn lives! It's the beginning of the Houston game again, isn't it? One thing I'm noticing about the Saints that's going to be a problem down the road is their issues with downfield coverage. The Eagles' receivers get open downfield and they just run wild. Like the Brown touchdown. And the Schobel catch. And a couple by Smith. Hey, how about some pass blocking? WTF Michael Lewis. First the Terry Glenn deal last week and now you bite on a double move that Lito picked up on three plays before? Who are you, Roy Williams? Why are there 12 men on the field? Wow, Johnson's pissed. And rightly so. I'm not as mad about this loss as a lot of people are. Is something wrong with me? As for the Saints, it's amazing what a difference having a coach and quarterback with actual football intelligence makes.

If T.O. had a crap game this week he'll end up leading the nightly news in the bad way. Why is Houston ahead? At any point? Ah, that's ... I don't want to say 'better', but order's been restored.

Dare I say it ... Boller looked better than McNair has.

I don't get showing the highlights from every Bucs late-game collapse this year when the Bengals have no time left. Oh, and has Chad forgotten where the end zone is? This is getting ridiculous. Does Marvin actually think this is going to work?

Would it be inappropriate to say that the Chiefs haven't stopped anyone since Derrick Thomas died? I ask because I'm having trouble remembering the last time their defense was any good. Here's the best way to cure what ails Ben: Hand the ball off 50 times. That never happened to Ricky Williams, right? You'll note it's mostly defensive guys who have the long dreads hanging out of their helmets like that.

I think CBS has shown us all of their games now. Yeesh. Mare missed that badly. He's better than that. Must be those Meadowlands winds.

One of my colleagues is a Mets fan so we watched the baseball game. The Mets nearly outscored both teams. At least the Raiders covered.

Glendale is a 'developing suburb' that only has this and the hockey arena. I'm not convinced anyone actually lives there. WTF. WTF. Just when I get on the Grossman bandwagon he turns into Browning Nagle. Meanwhile, Leinart and Boldin are absolutely clowning the Bears. Is this happening? The Cardinals haven't been on MNF since 1999 and it shows. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Nice blocking on the Brown fumble TD. If they blow this... Man, Edge has run behind better lines in Pop Warner. And they're bringing Arrington in to spell him? Urlacher's been in on every defensive play for the Bears. Wow the Cardinals' running game is terrible. OMG. Does Hester have a position yet or is that all he does? I'd say "And that's what makes them the Arizona Cardinals" but this is devastating even for them. Edge: Most carries for fewest yards. Bears: Only team in NFL history to win after being down by 20 with no offensive touchdowns. Oh, and Green's postgame press conference meltdown is the new "PLAYOFFS?!"

Butch: "That was just ... special."
Nate: "TEAM OF DESTINY"
Johnny: "Pray for Cardinal Nation tonight."

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (5-1, W5): We're in a three-way tie for first after beating Scott. LDT was huge again, as was Coles.

JackSux (2-4, L2): I had a .02 lead on Chris going into Monday night, so I basically needed a Bears shutout and Boldin to get in a car accident on the way to the game or something. Didn't happen. We're in a four-way tie for ... well, last despite having scored the third-most points in the league.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Chicago (6-0) - Bears don't look gift horse in the mouth
2. San Diego (4-1) - SUPER CHARRRRRRRGERS
3. Denver (4-1) - Score points, please

BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (1-4) - Ain't a damn thing changed
31. Miami (1-5) - I thought the AFC was the superior conference
32. Oakland (0-6) - Madden: "Sometimes you go to lick your fingers and there's nothing there."

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Proof of Pwnership

Signal Finder: WSH @ NYG, BUF @ CHI, MIA @ NE (2nd half), DAL @ PHI, SD(P) @ STL

When you're already overmatched, you can't give your opponents opportunities, either. That's what's hurting the Bills as much as anything else. Where'd this Davis come from? Arena League? OK. This is a beating, plain and simple. When these commercials end, I expect to be watching something else.

Joey Harrington? Really? (I got switched over at 30-0.) What's sad is that this might actually be one of his ten best games. Seriously, how did this happen? It's not like he's a head case like Ryan Leaf was and you could see it coming. Baffling. The Evans touchdown call may have been the least enthusiastic in the history of broadcasting.

I'm calling it now: if the Giants lose today, they're toast. Yet the Redskins aren't acting like they're aware of that. They're very passive. This whole game seems to be running at three-quarter speed. Shockey's gone missing. This is why I don't trust the Redskins -- they're too Jekyll and Hyde. They did this all of last year, too.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Titans-Colts. Young had a force field around him or something on his touchdown run. How did both Harrison and Wayne go four games without catching a touchdown pass?

It's just a matter of time before the "REG-GIE! REG-GIE!" chant comes back. The Saints are approaching something resembling actual legitimacy, which is as big a surprise as anything else that's happened this year.

Three reasons this game is legitimately important: 1) the Eagles haven't won a division game in over a year; 2) it's a division game; 3) the Eagles haven't beaten a decent team all year. Let's see if I can manage to not mention him by name in this recap. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. (Repeat for the entire first quarter.) Having Lito back is big. What's odd about all of this is that it seems like the nicer digs at Lincoln Financial have subdued the fans somewhat. I mean, it's still loud, but it's a tiny bit less hostile, if you can believe that. Hey, how about covering Witten one time? I know he's good, but still. Baskett's mad at himself. Guys, he was undrafted. I'm surprised Bledsoe has that many rushing touchdowns. Have they even thrown to him other than the Dawkins pick? This is killing him. Absolutely killing him. Roy Williams getting owned on a deep route? That's never happened before. Loved the multiple crowd shots after his drop. PROTECT THE... QUARTERBACK. (Swerve~) FLEA FLICKER!!! WTF LEWIS. Although Glenn would've caught it otherwise (and he dropped it as it was). LITOOOOOOOOO. Good Lord. I think Bledsoe's replaced Brett Favre. What a horrible throw. The other thing that did was cost a lot of gamblers a lot of money (the line was Dallas +7.5).

Hey, Matt Leinart! Your new uniform? I don't know about it. Aesthetically, I mean. I don't know if he's "ready", but I do know he's looked better than Warner did in his last eight or so games. At least MNF has a reason to even mention the Cardinals next week. WTF Kansas City. You have Larry Johnson and can't get four yards? Speaking of LJ, he's gonna want his head back after that face mask. Ouch.

Could San Francisco Bay overflow and drown both teams? It's possible, right? Can we hope?

The Padres are going to regret not jumping all over Carpenter here -- he's too good to not come out of this and shut them down afterwards. You know what's been kind of forgotten about him is that he was supposed to be this good -- he came up with Halladay in Toronto and they were going to bring the Blue Jays back, but he was just never healthy. Ryan Klesko's still alive? Well, barely, I guess.

Why is Michael Turner in the game? And why does he keep getting the ball? Did something happen? I need answers.

SNOW~~~~~~~ God bless Denver. If either team breaks 10, I'll be shocked. Okay, I'm shocked. But it was close.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (4-1, W4): We beat the winless Basselopes despite subpar outings from everyone not named Donovan McNabb.

JackSux 3 (2-3, L2): To be fair, half of my roster this week was backups, but still.

RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Chicago (5-0) - And it's no longer close
2. Denver (3-1) - Though more than 12 point a game would be nice
3. Indianapolis (5-0) - You can't stay at #2 after almost getting picked off by the Titans

BOTTOM 3:
30. Tennessee (0-5) - A little something for the effort
31. Detroit (0-5) - Marinelli admits they're still undisciplined
32. Oakland (0-4) - Moss couldn't look more bored if he tried