Big In 2008

Best Read: "The Things That Carried Him", Esquire, May 2008

Favorite New Toy: My pizza stone

Most Unexpected Development: Super Bowl XLII/The discovery that my mother actually watched a live sporting event on the Internet

Rock Star Moment: Played my first hand of live poker. J-9 offsuit. I won. (It was all downhill from there.)

Worst Rap Name: Plies (defeated Kardinal Offishal in a runoff)

Welcome Back: R.E.M.

Blog Post of the Year: Grand Theft Cable

People I'm Glad I Wasn't: 1. Roger Clemens; 2. Associated with the Journal Register Company; 3. A Seattle sports fan

The 2008 Allison Stokke Award, International Edition: Leryn Franco

The 2008 Allison Stokke Award, Domestic Edition: Alicia Sacramone

Much Funnier Now Than When They Wrote It: "Your boyfriend is a very bad man."

Underrated Hottie: Natalie Coughlin (Yes. Still. Four years later.)

I've Seen Just About Enough Of: This Twilight business

I've Seen Entirely Too Much Of: Heidi and/or Spencer

Clearly, I Deserve To Be Taken Seriously: "Understand this: Mike Shanahan will never be fired."

Grandest Discovery (Or, This Year's Freshly Ground Pepper): Sea salt. You think I'm going back? I'm not going back.

Biggest Oversight: How 34 people comment on this and not one of them say anything about the headline

Michael Phelps Moment of the Year: The Borgata poker room stopping and giving a standing ovation after he won No. 8

A Thousand Words In a Moving Picture: Ladies and gentlemen, YOUR 2008 Detroit Lions!

Ambitions For 2009: Probably the same as for 2006, which says... something

And Last, But Certainly Not Least:



World. Fucking. Champions.

Big In 2007

Blog Post of the Year (Home Team): Out and Back: Roy Rogers

Blog Post of the Year (Offshore): Better Off Dead: A Look Back (includes special '67 Camaro-related bonus link)

Culinary Revolution: Freshly ground pepper has done nothing less than change my life. You think I'm kidding.

Worst Case For a Pay Raise: L.J. Smith. (This was Andruw Jones in a walk through the end of November but my God. Plus, Andruw actually took a pay cut in the first year of his deal with the Dodgers if you don't count his signing bonus.)

Underrated Hottie: Rachael Taylor

Just Because: The New York Knicks

R.I.P.: Bite-size croutons. Seriously, what happened?

People I'm Glad I Wasn't: 1. Michael Vick; 2. Alberto Gonzales; 3. Barry Bonds; 4-28. The 2007 New York Mets; 29. Carlos Mencia; 30. Bill Gazes

Slightly Dirty Feeling: The Allison Stokke blowup

I've Seen Just About Enough Of: 2girls1cup. And by "just about enough", I mean "I haven't seen any of it, and if I were to see any of it, even by accident, it would be entirely too much."

I've Seen Entirely Too Much Of: This business

Best Unprintable Line: "The only person that choked worse than Tony Romo this week was Saddam Hussein." (after the Seattle playoff loss)

Best Sex I've Had This Year: chokes on own hysterical laughter

Formerly The Lindsay Lohan Fall From Grace Of The Year: Britney Spears, who finished off such a massive tumble that we're putting her name back on this award. (The Miami Heat are a distant second.) And in a related matter...

Most Unexpected Development: Kevin Federline as acceptable father figure

Things It Doesn't Get Much Better Than: This

Ambition For 2008: New wheels. More "Out and Backs". Also, I feel a full investigation into what exactly "giving someone the business" entails is in order

Commercial of the Year: "The story ends with me puttin' him in the wall."

Bold Prediction For 2008: T-Pain moves on to the coat check girl

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Now playing: Offspring, The - Original Prankster
via FoxyTunes

Big In 2006

Ownage of the Year: The 2006 elections

Blog Post of the Year (Home Team): One Man's Hunt For Barbecue Sauce

Blog Post of the Year (Offshore): The Tao Of Poker: The Wall Street Game

APB of the Year (And Possibly Next Year): Lindsay Lohan's sanity

Burning Question of the Year: "Whose country is this?"

Welcome Back: Leonardo DiCaprio (Does he have enough clout to just disappear for four years and come back in a Scorcese film?)

People I'm Glad I Wasn't: 1. Saddam Hussein; 2. Donald Rumsfeld; 3. Marco Materazzi; 4 (tie) 4+whatever number of Republicans were voted out of Congress

Most Pleasant Surprise: JBL as a color commentator

Still Funny A Year Later: "You can call us Aaron Burr / from the way we're droppin' Hamiltons"

Trend I Missed The Boat On: I was unaware that sexy had gone anywhere in the first place

Most Unwelcome Development: The rooster invasion

Trend I'm Most Sick Of: The same as last year

Underrated Hottie: Sasha Cohen (Tanith Belbin stole all her thunder)

I've seen just about enough of: Scarlett Johansson. (I'm waiting for one more thing. Actually, two.)

I've seen entirely too much of: Kevin Federline

Personal Nemesis of the Year: Tires

Under-the-Radar R.I.P.: Busta Rhymes' career

WTF Moment: Butch getting fired

Find of the Year: adtunes.com

Dubious Product Mash-Up of the Year: The OhMiBod

Most Questionable Career Decision: Mischa Barton

Best 30 Seconds of the Year: The Knicks drafting Renaldo Balkman and the immediate aftermath

Ambitions For 2007: Whatever I put for "Ambitions For 2006." Also, eat more fish.

The Top 15 Of 2005

Before the festivities, a confession.

I haven't really been paying attention this year.

I'm not sure why, but it probably starts with how little radio I listened to last year. So little that, when I started the list, I wasn't sure I could come up with 15 songs I liked (and the first draft, indeed, stopped at 13 or so.) What I did come up with is heavily slanted towards the beginning of the year (I go December to December. It's easier to follow than the Grammys, at any rate).

Onward.

15. Amerie - "1 Thing"
Poorly mixed drums aside, this is good stuff. But Amerie's holding out on us. She never tells us what that... thing is. Come on! Spill it! Suckas gots to know!

14. Weezer - "We Are All On Drugs"
It's not supposed to be ironic, I don't think. It just sounds like it is.

13. Ringside - "Tired Of Being Sorry"
The best song this year you never heard.

12. Jay-Z & Linkin Park - "Encore vs. Numb"
Weren't you supposed to retire, Hov? Have mash-ups become the Next Big Thing yet or did they already disappear faster than Vogue-ing? And how much higher would this be if I actually liked Linkin Park?

11. Ciara - "Oh"
I have no special place smelling of citrus and feeling like triple-ply soft to the touch to go to when this song plays. Though it's worth it just to hear a girl sing the word "crunk" and have it throw you off just a little bit.

10. Coldplay - "Speed of Sound"
How do they keep doing it?

9. T.I. - "Bring 'Em Out"
Because every list needs a club anthem and I never got into "Disco Inferno". Seems like a waste of Jay-Z, though.

8. Ludacris - "Get Back"
The man's trying to get his groove on. Don't interrupt him.

7. Usher, Lil' Jon and Ludacris - "Lovers And Friends"
Lil' Jon on a slow jam? WHAT? These three teamed up and hit a solid double with "Yeah!" last year, but the fact that this song was even conveived of, let alone that it actually happened... that's a home run. I'm still surprised this didn't end up higher.

6. Audioslave - "Be Yourself"
This -- once I realized it wasn't the Chili Peppers after the third listen or so -- doesn't sound like anything anyone in this band has ever done.

5. Rihanna - "Pon de Replay"
You just started dancing in your seat. Admit it.

4. A Perfect Circle - "Passive"
I wonder how Maynard decides what he's going to do for Tool and what he's going to do for this side project of his. Do you like anger? Do you like defiance? Do you like people who just bring it? Then here's your song.

3. Franz Ferdinand - "This Fire"
I'm sure something from the new album'll crack the list for 06. But in the meantime, here's one that sneaked in under the wire. And haven't we all had at least one someone who's driven us to feel like this?

2. The Game & 50 Cent - "Hate It or Love It"
Easily the best of their collaborations before their ugly beef and split. I think they'll both be fine on their own, but this was so damn good I feel a little cheated.

1. Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx - "Gold Digger"
2004's Artist of the Year coming back strong? Check. Being funny and isnightful? Check. Getting Jamie Foxx to do his Ray Charles impression on the hook? Check. Yet another GEICO reference? Are they paying him off or something? No matter.

Big In 2005

Favorite (and only) new movie I saw: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Most Telling Exchange of the Year: Reporter: "What exactly have you done for Terrell (Owens) besides get him kicked off the team?" Drew Rosenhaus: "Next question."

Man of the Year: Brad Pitt. Hitting both ends of the spectrum in the same calendar year? That doesn't just happen, people.

Most Underappreciated Television Moment: Mike Myers's follow-up to Kanye West's "George Bush doesn't care about black people" rant. "Unsubtle."

Second-Best Television Moment: Tim Russert grilling Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff like a New York strip steak

Biggest Grapefruits: Joe Hachem, for calling a pre-flop raise with 7-3 offsuit and winning the hand and the 2005 World Series of Poker main event

Trend I'm Most Sick Of: This whole "combining the first names of celebrity couples" phenomenon

Sex Symbol of 2005: Well, it's gotta be Jessica Alba, right?

I'm Totally Obsessed With: Melina. And getting out of debt.

People I'm Glad I Wasn't: 1. Michael Brown; 2. Donovan McNabb; 3. Judy Miller; 4. Tom DeLay; 5. Drew Rosenhaus

Bitch of the Year: Katrina

Best Song I Downloaded This Year: Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx - "Gold Digger"

Biggest Fall: Lindsay Lohan (barely edging out Terrell Owens)

Best Unexpected Verbal Smackdown: Pamela Anderson on Paris Hilton

Underrated Hottie: Kathryn Morris

Most Pleasant Surprise: The new NHL. Hockey's watchable again.

Biggest Regret: Missing "Taradise". Watching this questionably attractive and borderline insane woman tool around the planet with her infinitely hotter friends (Natasha~) and damn near kill herself every week? That's entertainment, people. Even if you only see 10 minutes of it like I did.

What I'm Doing After I Post This: *looks around apartment* At least I have cake.

Unanswered Question Of 2005: I still don't know what a "hollaback girl" is

First Burning Question for 2006: Was there really an outcry for a sequel to Underworld?

Train Wreck Waiting To Happen: It's a tie between Ellen Finds a Man for Tara Reid and Mets fans when the Braves win the NL East... AGAIN

Ambition for 2006: Oh, there's plenty. New job, new apartment. Start the novel, work on my poker skills. Girlfriend? Who can say.

The Top 15 Of 2004

2004 was a... strange year music-wise. The lines that defined genres continued to blur even as people tired even harder to compartmentalize music. "Welcome Back Kotter" got used in a hook. Korn covered "Word Up." (Yes, THAT Korn. And yes, THAT "Word Up".) Through it all, here's 15 songs that stood out.

15. U2 - "Vertigo"
What comes after catorce? The NEW iPod anthem, that's what.

14. Kanye West - "Jesus Walks"
The title makes you think "The radio's not gonna play this." The content makes you think "There's NO WAY the radio's gonna play this." Kanye may be an insufferable egomaniac, but give him credit; he called radio out and pulled it off.

13. The Hives - "Walk Idiot Walk"
Any placement irony is purely unintentional.

12. Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Fortune Faded"
"Now put away your welcome / soon you'll find you've overstayed it" You guys? Nah. We like it when you come around.

11. Franz Ferdinand - "Take Me Out"
Musically, the latest British darlings of the hipster set like to keep it simple. But it doesn't always work out when your fans decide you're so hip you can't get into your own after party.

10. Slum Village (f. Kanye West) - "Selfish"
It's like "To All The Girls I've Loved Before" except not.

9. Belle & Sebastian - "Step Into My Office, Baby"
It's sexual harrassment in the workplace hilariously turned on its head. Gotta love it.

8. Incubus - "Talk Show On Mute"
A slow, mellow critique of the juggernaut that is the new celebrity culture. Dovetails quite nicely with...

7. Kanye West - "All Falls Down"
Yeah, it's him again, this time with an impassioned commentary on a society drowning in materialism.

6. Snoop Dogg & Pharrell - "Drop It Like It's Hot"
The Dogg returns to his minimalist roots.

5. Citizen Cope - "Bullet And A Target"
Big picture, little picture. Big picture, little picture. Big picture...

4. Lostprophets - "Make A Move"
The kind of song that makes you want to run through a wall. But in a good way.

3. Kanye West - "Through The Wire"
And that wire's quite literal. Kanye's fourth appearance on the countdown is with a song inspired by and recorded during his recovery from a car accident that busted up his jaw and nearly killed him.

2. Black Eyed Peas - "Let's Get Retarded"
Ritardando is a musical term meaning "to slow down". Fergie told me that. At least I think that's what she said; I was too busy bobbing my head at the time.

1. Jay-Z, "99 Problems"
Now this is how you go out on top. You hook up with the producer who started the rap-rock fusion craze and you tell everyone else fighting for your scraps that they'll have to kill you to knock you off. The entire second verse is a thing of beauty, and the hook is Jay taking yet another shot at Nas. "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one." You got that right, Jay. So it's the Song Of The Year.

Big In 2004

Favorite CD: Did I even buy a CD this year? Oh, wait, the Franz Ferdinand disc.

Wedding present I would give Britney & Kevin: Some damn Tide

Trend I'm most sick of: Reality TV, surprise surprise. Honorable mention to it becoming more about the Yankees' choke than the Red Sox comeback

My favorite new toy: My new optical mouse, of all things

In 2004 I was totally obsessed with: Not being obsessed

Sex symbol of 2004: First half - EVIL TRISH~~~! Second half - Double L. I'm such a follower.

Underrated hottie: Natalie Coughlin

Best sex I've had this year: "A gentleman never tells." That's what my answer would be if I actually HAD one.

Biggest bitch move: Ricky Williams walking out on the Dolphins/Kobe telling cops that Shaq paid off his one-night stands (which led to Shaq saying, "I'm not the one buying love.")

Trend that's becoming disturbing: The return of the beer commercial wars

Worst personal moment of 2004: The lost checkbook incident

Favorite phrase of 2004 other than "I'm Rick James, bitch.": "I'm [insert name here], and I approved this message."

Number of times I said "I'm Matt Spaulding, bitch!": None. And thank God for that. Say it out loud and see how stupid that sounds.

Number of times I thought "Is Matt Spaulding gonna have to choke a bitch?": At least two

Number of times I watched the Paris Hilton sex tape: Negro, please.

Best song I downloaded this year: Jay-Z, "99 Problems"

I've seen just about enough of: Jude Law

I've seen entirely too much of: Tara Reid

Biggest disaster I NEVER *cough* would have predicted: "And starting at quarterback for the Washington Redskins, Mark Brunell."

People I'm glad I wasn't: 1. Scott Peterson; 2. The guy who threw the cup at Ron Artest; 3. Jim McGreevey; 4. Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania XX; 5. Tim Couch

Guiltiest pleasure: "Culo"

Where I'll be on New Year's Eve: Home, barring a miraculous healing

Ambitions for 2005: Start saving money, for real this time. Maybe consider moving into a bigger place. Actually try to get a girlfriend if I feel like it. Just generally try to improve.