By the Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 9: War

View Finder: SD @ NYJ, OAK @ KC (end), NYG @ SF

Philip, I'd advise you to take a good look around. Scout the winds; note the dimensions, know where all the exits are. Just... familiarize yourself with this place. I'm not saying; I'm just saying. Touchdown LDT. Touchdown LDT. Touch... yeah, you know the rest. Brooks Bollinger's back! Maybe this means they'll finally put Vinny down for good? Martin's 100th career touchdown? Pshhh. Tomlinson may get that many this season at this pace. Are the Chargers gonna blow another one? Okay, no. Butch: "You know what I'd like? To root for a boring team. That'd be nice."

Hey, who's that guy in the red and white hanging out in the pocket throwing laser beams?

Watch Out For: Jacksonville.

Anyone here seen the Bears play yet? Are they actually any good or just the best of a sorry lot? Tiger Stadium probably drew more for Arkansas State or whoever LSU played last week. The Saints just can't score touchdowns. It's unfathomable what's gone on down there.

"Six of the last seven Chiefs-Raiders games in Arrowhead have been decided in overtime or the last 25 seconds of regulation. The teams are 3-3 in those six games, but the last three have gone to the Chiefs." So you know where this is headed. As you see above, I caught the tail end of this and... wow. Just... wow. Not only to go for it there, but to call a running play. Vince McMahon's grapefruits are nothing compared to Dick Vermiel's.

Better catch: Burleson or Shockey?

Speaking of the Giants, it looked for a long time like they were gonna screw up and lose this one. All the penalties, the two long field goals Nedney hit... they just didn't look good for the longest time. I'm not convinced yet.

We did the math and figured out that in a hypothetical Seahawks/Cardinals Sunday night game, Shaun Alexander would rush for 529 yards.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 2. Anthony Wright, 3. Brett Favre, 4. Chris Simms, 5. Josh McCown.

This'll be... interesting. Donovan's moving better than he has since he got hurt, but like Patrick said, that likely just means he feels better than he had been. It doesn't mean everything's all right. Brown could've run another 50 yards and not been caught, that's how good a route that was. FUMBLE... ah, they got it back. I still haven't digested the Failed Fake Spike yet. It's almost like Donovan forgot to tell anyone else he was gonna do it. It's a David Akers sighting! And there's another fumble the Redskins get back. OMG a BILLY McMULLEN sighting! You know who's good is Chris Cooley. How many breaks are the Redskins going to get tonight? Good Lord. Nice to see the Eagles acting with the appropriate sense of urgency here, but even if they score, there might be too much time left... but that's no longer an issue, is it?

Colts score first! That's massive. Even after the Patriots tied it, I didn't get the feeling that the Colts felt like they were in any danger. Maybe it was just early. What nobody pointed out on the "Which runner was ruled down?" fumble was that the reason the ball came loose again was that David had thrown it away after recovering it. So he knew he was down, but nobody else did, and everyone comically chased it down another 35 yards or so. High comedy. Going for it in that spot? An onside kick that early? What's Belichick thinking? The other part of Madden was saying about how the Patriots' defense looked tired was all the guys they had to move around because of the injuries, and then just ineffectiveness. (Hello, there's a reason Duane Starks was cut by the freakin' Cardinals.) That was Dennis Quaid doing the open? Really? Has Indy punted yet? The thing is, now, the Colts might not even see the Patriots again this year.

FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (5-4, W1): MARVIN HARRISON IS A GOLDEN GOD. Going into Monday night I had Harrison, Wayne and Vanderjagt while Wade had Peyton and David Givens, who I was expecting to be the difference. But it was Marvin's second touchdown catch (and Wade not having a second available RB) that enabled me to win by seven.

JackSux (8-1, W1, clinched playoff spot): That's right, friends. The Captains of Charisma are already in the playoffs. I trailed the Iceflame Freaks by a fraction of a point going into MNF and basically just needed Wayne to show up. Next week I have to go without Tomlinson, though.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (8-0) - Season's over
2. Denver (6-2) - Will week off turn them back into choking dogs?
3. Cincinnati (7-2) - Bengals get physical against rivals

BOTTOM 3:
30. Saints (2-7) - Circumstances aside, this team blows
31. Houston (1-7) - Return to form
32. Green Bay (1-7) - The sad thing is, they can't even draft Leinart