By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 1: Home Sour Home

The new theme song... leaves me nonplussed. Nice of NBC to pick up the tradition of the individual player intros. Can I just mention now how strange it is to see Al Michaels holding an NBC mic? Nice leap, sir. It is REALLY LOUD down on that field ... I can barely hear Costas. Nice play call on the Batch-Miller hook-up, but is Miller that fast or is Will Allen that slow? Whoa, his knee was down. Why aren't the Dolphins challenging this? Wait... you mean they did? Wow, somebody was asleep at the switch on that one. When DID they get rid of the replay buzzer? And will this bring it back? Nice read of the play by Polamalu. Did someone get a piece of that kick? Reed never misses that badly. Aaaaaand the Dolphins give it right back.

View Finder: PHI @ HOU, NYJ @ TEN, NO @ CLE (end), DAL @ JAX, Federer @ Roddick

New graphics for everybody!

Vince Young, y'all! Has Pacman Jones always had "P. Jones" on the back of his jersey? Like that's his actual name?

AGAINST: The new referee uniforms.

Is this... is this pass protection? From the TEXANS? It's an insane world. And Carr looks like he likes it. Over/under on T.O. references: Seven. Nice fake by Donovan, and Stallworth ended up ridiculously open. Maybe I should have made that the over/under for the first half. Jeez. Excellently done, sirs. Wali Lundy? Wow. I'm fairly certain I saw him play in high school.

Braylon's gotta catch that.

How 'bout that new Mike Martz offense! Johnny: "Man I hate ugly wins AND Ford Field. I hope they burn that fucker down."

All of one yard to start. Well played. Also, what's with the Cowboys seemingly opening every season these days on the road against an AFC team? When did it become "Maurice Jones-Drew", anyway? I'm just waiting for Fred Taylor to get hurt, myself. Hey, a Reggie Williams sighting! The Jaguars have pretty much owned the second half. You know who hasn't been all that good is Bledsoe. Is this really an upset? The Jags were a playoff team last year.

I'm just glad the game's finally being played. The Giants aren't letting the Colts run the ball at all, really. But they keep dropping interceptions. Man, they just look sloppy in general. The Colts have been trying to replace Harper for years and he keeps sticking around by doing things like that. What a time for Shockey to have a blonde moment. Coughlin's gonna pitch a fit.

Is that Lee Corso as the mascot in the Nike commercial? (Edit: It is. And Leinart's the backup QB.)

AGAINST: The Vikings' new shoulder striping. I seem to remember the Vikings' punter-as-new-holder story being something of a big deal in the offseason and then that happens. Clearly HANDS is not among Troy Williamson's buzzwords. Theismann: "Sean Taylor doesn't care who he hits." I don't know about anybody else but I thought Tony owned Joe on Tirico's "Does Taylor's reputation work against him when it's the difference between a flag being thrown or not?" question.

Wow, when did the Raiders sign the Texans' offensive line? Andrew Walter? Already? This is surprising mostly because it's happening so soon. For some reason I was sure he was a lefty.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (0-1, L1): WTF. Now I know how the Panthers feel. I got ambushed by the Cargers defense and lost to Shaken Baby Syndrome by five. (Of course, if I hadn't started Brady over McNabb this could have been avoided.)

JackSux III (1-0, W1): Now this is more like it. A 141-102 win over Brady's Bunch. If SHV actually scored touchdowns, we'd be dangerous.

Fearful Forecast 2006

NFC EAST

N.Y. Giants (4) - Eli Manning's continued improvement will be the key to the G-men's fortunes. An overhauled defensive back seven will help, headlined by OLB LaVar Arrington, who's desperate for a fresh start and a chance to stick it to his former team.

Philadelphia (5) - Overly optimistic? Yes. (Remember, I'm biased.) But what you also have to remember is that everything that could go wrong for a team in a season short of a death went wrong for the Eagles last year. (Jerome McDougle getting carjacked and shot didn’t even crack the top five.) Donovan McNabb is healthy and has something to prove, the defense should return to form, and new WR Donte' Stallworth will help the offense.

Dallas - Way too many questions. Was Bill Parcells actually considering Tony Romo as a serious option at quarterback? Is last season's catastrophic playoff miss still in new kicker Mike Vanderjagt's head? Can the offensive line keep Drew Bledsoe upright? Oh... and the T.O. time bomb is already ticking.

Washington - The Redskins won their last five to reach the playoffs with a pedestrian offense, and I don't know if it's gotten any better. Antwaan Randle El only caught 35 passes last year, Brandon Lloyd's nothing but a highlight reel, and Mark Brunell's dangerously close to the end.

NFC NORTH

Minnesota (3) - How do you clear out all of your playmakers on offense and get picked to win a division title? Simple: You play in a horrible division with a very easy schedule (they get Carolina, New England and St. Louis at home) and the most reliable starting quarterback in said division. If new RB Chester Taylor proves he’s a No. 1 guy, this team will be helped immensely.

Chicago - They're not going to sneak up on teams anymore, and if opponents can luckbox their way into 13 points, they'll win because the Bears did absolutely nothing to improve their offense. Rex Grossman still isn't any good, and Brian Griese's his backup.

Detroit - This team is screwed for at least the next three years because of a multitude of bad decisions. New head coach Rod Marinelli may have the league's most thankless job at the moment. Jon Kitna, while not a terrible quarterback, is not the guy who's going to clean up this mess.

Green Bay - Brett Favre will immediately regret this decision. Didn't I say that last year? And every single move the Packers made was designed with the idea of getting him to retire in mind, and that didn't work. QUARTERBACK PROJECTION FOR 2006: Aaron Rodgers starts a game this year.

NFC SOUTH

Carolina (1) - Steve Smith's balky hamstrings are cause for concern, but his maturation and mergence last year made a good team borderline great. The Panthers have very few weaknesses and could win it all.

Atlanta (6) - Lost in the Falcons' overall drop-off last season was the fact that the defense suffered a drop-off. John Abraham should help fix that, bolstering the pass rush to help out their young corners. Also - and this is based on little more than a few games of observation where he seemed to start trusting his WRs more and a hunch - I think Michael Vick's gonna have a big year.

Tampa Bay - And it'll come at the expense of the Bucs, who are good enough to win 10 games and not get out of one of the league's toughest divisions. Chris Simms showed signs of being a keeper and will get every chance to succeed, but he needs WR Michael Clayton to bounce back.

New Orleans - Things can only go up for the Saints, whose collective football IQ took a big leap when Jim Haslett was fired and Aaron Brooks was allowed to leave. Drew Brees and Reggie Bush were brought in to energize the offense and the city, but there's still a lot of work to do to make this team respectable.

NFC WEST

Seattle (2) - Last year's Super Bowl losers have to deal with the Madden cover curse on top of it. And Shaun Alexander's not going to have a repeat of last season - that just doesn't happen. But what's gonna save them is the mediocrity of their division.

St. Louis - It'd be almost impossible for Scott Linehan to be a worse game-day coach than Mike Martz, so that's a step up. They filled a lot of holes in the offseason and still have plenty of offensive talent. That and a relatively easy schedule could set this team up as a surprise playoff team.

Arizona - The addition of Edge was vital, and Matt Leinart falling into their laps should bode well for the future, but until they prove otherwise, they're still the Arizona Cardinals. I'll believe it when it happens. Not a moment sooner.

San Francisco - Their best defensive player left to sign with a division rival. Their best offensive player is a rookie tight end. This ... this is gonna take a while.

AFC EAST

New England (2) - Is the Deion Branch situation the beginning of the end? Too soon to tell. But the Pats lost some key players and may be reeling after a rare playoff loss. That aside, they're not going to beat themselves.

Miami - The Dolphins actually came on last season, showing that they're buying what Nick Saban's selling. Then they went out and grabbed Daunte Culpepper, whose recovery from completely shredding his knee has been remarkable. But it'll all be for naught if he plays like he did before he got hurt last year. Their defense is showing its age a bit but is still solid.

Buffalo - The Bills haven't done anything right since drafting Willis McGahee three years ago. Other than him, Nate Clements and London Fletcher, there's very little to like here. They'd be a candidate for the worst team in the league if not for...

N.Y. Jets - Last year the bottom fell out, and whether it looks like it or not, the Jets are starting over. Rookie offensive linemen D’Brickashaw Ferguson and Nick Mangold should anchor the line for the next 10 years. Who will be behind them is another matter entirely.

AFC SOUTH

Indianapolis (3) – Dominic Rhodes and rookie Joseph Addai should pick up for the departed Edgerrin James, but I’m worried that the Colts have taken too many hits to their collective psyche with their playoff failures to make another big run at a Super Bowl.

Jacksonville (6) – The Jaguars sneaked into the playoffs last year and may have to do so again. The offense needs to find another level if this team wants to be a Super Bowl contender.

Houston - Mario Williams may turn out to be a top player, but the Texans still drafted the wrong guy No. 1. The biggest surprise here is that David Carr's still alive.

Tennessee - There's chaos in Nashville right now, where the last-minute addition of Kerry Collins has people wondering about the quarterback situation. But which of Travis Henry, Chris Brown and LenDale White will be the main running back? And will Pac-Man Jones ever pull his head out of his ass?

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh (1) - Ben's health problems notwithstanding, the champs are still the champs, and they didn't lose anyone who can't be replaced. And don't forget, they didn't win the division last year.

Cincinnati (5) - Carson Palmer looks fine coming back from his knee surgery, and will again be at the helm of one of the league's best offenses. An improved defense will help make life easier for the Bengals, and it'll have to be with their brutal schedule.

Baltimore - Kyle Boller finally started getting it late last season, but Steve McNair was brought in because head coach Brian Billick's job is on the line, whether anyone will admit it or not. While his presence will help, I don't think it'll be enough in what's become a much tougher division.

Cleveland - The Browns still aren't good, but new DE Willie McGinest brings winning credentials and badly needed leadership, and Kellen Winslow II and Braylon Edwards can add some firepower and attitude if they stay healthy for once.

AFC WEST

Denver (4) - Is the Jake Plummer era already ending? The drafting of QB Jay Cutler would seem to say so. It really doesn't matter anymore who's running the ball for this team, but I fear Cutler's presence will mess with Plummer's head, and we all know wht happens when Plummer's head's messed up.

San Diego - I still don't like that they let Drew Brees walk when they could have gotten something for him but whatever. They still have LDT, and he’s going to have to carry even more of the load until Philip Rivers and the defense prove themselves. Fortunately, LDT’s good enough to do that.

Kansas City - Larry Johnson's studliness aside, I think their window's closed. The rest of the offense is getting old, the wide receivers are still crappy, and the defense still hasn't undergone the overhaul it's needed for years.

Oakland - They might as well have brought Kerry Collins back if they were going to sign Aaron Brooks instead. You think Jerry Porter's pissed off now (and there's a certain irony in a team with Randy Moss having an unhappy WR and it's NOT Moss), what's gonna happen after Brooks throws the other way into double coverage? Plus they lost their best defensive back and DE Derrick Burgess is on schedule to rip his knee up again.

WILD CARD

N.Y. Giants over Philadelphia; Atlanta over Minnesota
Indianapolis over Jacksonville; Cincinnati over Denver

DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS

Carolina over Atlanta; N.Y. Giants over Seattle
Indianapolis over New England; Pittsburgh over Cincinnati

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS

Carolina over N.Y. Giants
Pittsburgh over Indianapolis

SUPER BOWL XLI

Carolina over Pittsburgh

2006 JackSux 3 Draft: Son of JackSux

So this league, which drafted last night, is the one that Rob runs, and I'd like to start off by thanking him for deciding to actually count receptions this year.

I log in and find out that, in a cruel twist, I'm drafting in the middle of the sequence, meaning I pick back-to-back at the end of the first round and then the beginning of the second round.

Team name is the subtitle of this blog.

ROUND ONE (10): RB Stephen Jackson. Now it really is his show in St. Louis. New coach Scott Linehan seems to want to use him more, so who knows.

I actually missed this pick because I had to reboot my computer for reasons yet unexplained.. Thank God the autodrafter actually went with my rankings and didn't do some BS like pick Brian Finneran or something. I did get into the room in time to do this:

ROUND TWO (11): WR Chad Johnson. What do you need to know? Makes plays, breaks games, scores touchdowns, all that. The first WR taken (Steve Smith went with the next pick.)

ROUND THREE (30): QB Eli Manning. He's got the weapons; he just needs to be more consistent. This maybe should have been Carson Palmer but I'd have liked him to have played a game by this point.

ROUND FOUR (31): RB Warrick Dunn. See the aPa draft. Also, with T.J. Duckett now gone, there one less person on the roster to vulture goal-line carries from him.

Somewhere in here I announced my presence in the draft chat to Jen and KS(? I think) after Jen said that nobody ever shows up late to a fantasy draft. After the draft, Butch posted on the message board that he was at the library and somehow couldn't connect. Also I don't know how Rob sets a draft time that he himself can't make :)

ROUND FIVE (50): TE Tony Gonzalez. Still one of the best at a position that's suddenly become loaded thanks in part to the new pass defense rules.

ROUND SIX (51): WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Chad's unheralded teammate. Some would say this is too early to be taking a No. 2 receiver, but 1) he's the No. 2 guy in one of the three most powerful offenses in the league; 2) it's a double-up; and 3) having Gonzalez is almost like having a second No. 1 receiver.

ROUND SEVEN (70): WR Nate Burleson. Should be a solid No. 2 guy for the Seahawks.

ROUND EIGHT (71): QB Trent Green. Good value as a backup this late, especially if Eli regresses. After this pick, Jen typed "*does something stupid*" and picked Deion Branch. :)

ROUND NINE (90): Seattle DEFENSE. The defense run and the kicker run kind of wove together at the beginning of this round They play defense. Plus Julian Peterson is a god among men.

ROUND TEN (91): RB DeAngelo Williams. Because DeShaun Foster is the new Fred Taylor and I happened to see him return a kickoff for a touchdown in the Fox game last night against the Dolphins.

It is somewhere in here that I realize that I've created a problem for myself. A nice touch Yahoo's added is showing the bye weeks for each player in the draft window. But I just now notice that Chad, T.J. and Burleson all have the same bye week (5, I believe). I'm going to need a few more receivers.

ROUND ELEVEN (110): But not before I take my token Eagle, K David Akers.

ROUND TWELVE (111): WR Laveranues Coles. I'm sure I butchered his name in the aPa draft report and I'll go back and fix it. But top receiver + bad team + questionable running game = crazy delicious. Jen took the Patriots' kicker with the next pick and I'm still wondering how the team named "Brady's Bunch" isn't hers. KS must have gotten to it first.

ROUND THIRTEEN (130): TE L.J. Smith. Another Eagle. Strictly a depth pick.

ROUND FOURTEEN (131): WR Michael Clayton. I think he'll bounce back after a subpar 2005 season. Knowing that Chris Simms will be the quarterback will help. Plus, Joey Galloway can't live forever.

ROUND FIFTEEN (150): WR Antwan Randle El. I wonder if the WR option's part of the Redskins' playbook. I doubt it.

ROUND SIXTEEN (151): WR Antonio Bryant. How many teams has this guy been on already? See the Coles pick.

Sadly

...there was no birthday pie to be had.

Although this does bring me to point out that I am a huge advocate of birthday pie. In fact, after I take over the world, that's going to be one of my first edicts. Birthday pie for all.

2006 USFLaPa Draft

I probably could have been in a third league this year but I can't win consistently at two yet. I have no business moving up.

This year's aPa draft came with a fun new twist as the New Jersey Seagulls got saddled with the No. 1 pick, meaning I also pick last at the end of every other round. It's a spot nobody really likes.

ROUND ONE (1): RB LaDanian Tomlinson. Popular opinion had LDT, Shaun Alexander or Larry Johnson as the best possible No. 1 pick. I went with Tomlinson because LJ doesn't have Tony Richardson and Willie Roaf to block for him anymore, and Alexander has to overcome not only the Madden cover curse (which I'd forgotten about) but also the Super Bowl losers' hangover. Plus LDT is a better pass-catcher than the other two.

ROUND TWO (28): QB Tom Brady. Reliable. Durable. Won't hurt you with turnovers. And if you think I'm going through another season with Chad Pennington, Kyle Boller and Mark Brunell, you're smoking crack.

ROUND THREE (29): RB Warrick Dunn. Got him in the fifth round last year and he did well for me in the Falcons' run-happy offense. I'm probably going to regret passing on Reggie Bush in this spot, though.

ROUND FOUR (56): WR Rod Smith. This guy just keeps putting up numbers. Some questioned him going before new teammate Javon Walker, but don't be surprised if they end up with similar stats when the season's over.

ROUND FIVE (57): QB Donovan F. McNabb. This was a coin flip between him and Matt Hasselbeck. Quarterbacks were getting snapped up left and right, there wasn't a second wide receiver I was in love with here, and in my position, I felt that if I didn't get a second QB soon, I'd be left with all second- and third-tier guys when my pick came back around.

ROUND SIX (84): WR Laveranues Coles. Eh, at this point in the draft all the receivers are about the same. Had Coles in my other league last year and wasn't offended.

ROUND SEVEN (85): TE Chris Cooley. I got this guy in the 14th round last year and he was a godsend. Fills a key role in Joe Gibbs's offense and should continue to improve.

ROUND EIGHT (112): I vomited before taking WR Keyshawn Johnson, as I don't like him and never thought he's ever lived up to his press clippings. But as a possession receiver and flex guy at this spot, I'll take it.

ROUND NINE (113): K Adam Vinatieri. The league's best kicker takes his game indoors and south to better weather. Really, he should never miss anything again. The kicker run actually started with Vanderjagt at the end of this round.

ROUND TEN (140): WR David Givens. An unsung guy last year who fills a depth need at this spot. Plus he's better than Drew Bennett and Billy Volek doesn't suck.

ROUND ELEVEN (141): TE L.J. Smith. Quietly had a solid season last year with 61 catches.

ROUND TWELVE (168): K Josh Brown. This ended the kicker run. Strictly a bye week pick.

ROUND THIRTEEN (169): Denver DEFENSE. The Great Cleveland Migration actually worked last year, and their linebackers are among the best in the business.

ROUND FOURTEEN (196): RB Ryan Moats. SPEED! (And possible return yards.)

ROUND FIFTEEN (197): WR Santonio Holmes. The only real-life rookie on the Seagulls. I think he's a possible sleeper who could be starting by year's end if he can stay out of the slammer. I mean, really, Cedrick Wilson?

So TJD Turned Three Last Week

...and we've decided to open the windows and let some damn light in here.

Over/Under: Uhhhh... What Time Is It Now?

Click the title.

(Arguably the most overlooked aspect of this story will be that Yahoo actually used "WTF" in a headline.)