Monday, October 28, 2024

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Eyes Aloft

2nd and 26? Good job, Jets. Also still not very good: the Patriots' offense. Dude on the Pats' defense just tried to give Breece Hall a gutbuster. It wasn't very good, and he got caught and flagged for unnecessary roughness. Touchdown LAZARD?

Um, Hall got in. What are we doing here? Call REVERSED. 14-0 Jets. Hall with three stiff-arms on one run. Rodgers just overthrows Garrett Wilson. Legatron shanks it left! That ball came out like a pancake. Brissett gets drilled on this Hail Mary attempt and it's 14-3 Jets at halftime. This isn't going to get any better, is it? Hey, a Drake Maye sighting. (Jets 24, Patriots 3)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NO, MIA @ SEA, BAL @ DAL

Malik Willis is lighting the Titans up. They did him no favors while he was there. Are they just bad? (Packers 30, Titans 14)

Feels like either a long day or a short one. Saints can't be stopped. Carter knocks down Carr's third down pass and the Saints kick the field goal, which takes a weird hook before going through.

Eagles do nothing. CJ comes up with this pass intended for Shaheed but it's ruled incomplete, ad he knocked it to the turf when he punched it out. Hurts to Goedert for 44! Hurts gets picked off by Honey Badger in the end zone! Olsen puts it on Smith for not running a better route.


Carter knocks down another pass. Hurts gets flushed out of the pocket and fumbles. This is a disaster. Becton and Lane Johnson go out for the Eagles on the same play? Not great! Pam reports that Lane's been sick and throwing up, and after the two-minute warning, we see Becton trying to work his left hand. Hurts takes off for 20. Now they're saying Lane's concussed. Meanwhile, Saints center Erik McCoy got hurt on their first drive and has been ruled out. They run a fake on the Shove on 4th and 1 and give it to Saquon, who goes left — but doesn't make it! Saints lead 3-0 at halftime. They go for it AGAIN and Hurts gets sacked. Sirianni and Moore haven't made a single right call in a crucial situation all day. Especially here, with two backup offensive lineman in, you have to kick the field goal here. I know you weren't expecting to end up in a rock fight, but you're in one, and you've got to act accordingly.

Quinyon Mitchell breaks up a pass he probably could have picked. Now Devonta's out with a concussion? That's what that cheap shot on him was.

SAQUON!~ 65 yards and the Eagles lead. They're really trying a 60-yarder here? Elliott kicks it right and it's not even close. Saints lose 15 after getting a first down due to unnecessary roughness. Now Slay's coming off. Touchdown Olave with nobody near him. Saints go for two and don't get it. 12-7 Saints with 2:09 left. It's over. GOEDERT?!? 60 yards down to the Saints' 5! Touchdown Barkley, and I'm not sure the Saints let them score there. Eagles line up to go for two and I'd just do that again. They do, and it works. 15-12 with 1:01 left. Interception by Blankenship! He's really good at those diving picks.

I don't see anything that'll overturn this. Call STANDS. What a completely undeserved win. But you take them any way you can get them.

Also, I just learned that's their first win in the Superdome in 17 YEARS. (Eagles 15, Saints 12)

What the hell, Texans? (Vikings 34, Texans 7)

Myers from 56? GOOD. Now Sanders will try from 57 but he pushes it left.


Geno with along ball to DK inside the 5. Touchdown Charbonnet. Myers misses from 53. Fourth and 39? Good job, Dolphins. Like, I said last week Tua shouldn't play again at least this season, but this season might be over if this keeps up. Now Skylar's down. Tim Boyle warming up. Skylar favoring his right arm and Boyle's in the game. Campbell knocks this pass from Geno into the air and Seiler comes up with it! The Dolphins get a break for once. Shot of Marino in a suite. Surprisingly, he is not on the phone with anyone, but there's a lot of game left. Charbonnet touchdown seals it. (Seahawks 24, Dolphins 3)

Cowboys win the toss and take the ball. They're out of sorts. Two false starts? Lamar scores on a keeper after a good drive. Aubrey hits from 65! Sicko behavior. Remember that 71-yarder he almost tried last week? Burkhardt says McCarthy wanted to do it but got talked out of it. Agholor jukes the rookie and gets 51 after the catch. Henry punches it on the second try. Cowboys put Parsons on top of the center on a blitz and he forces Lamar to throw short. This Dak play in the end zone is a lot: If it's intentional grounding, it's a safety, because Dak wasn't down, but the only Cowboy in the area was his left tackle. There also might be illegal touching, which is what they go with, giving the Cowboys a break. Cowboys cannot get a stop. Touchdown Bateman. They cut to Dak on the sideline and I thought he'd thrown a pick that led to this, but the Cowboys just couldn't stop the Ravens. Then a hold offsets the obvious pass interference in the end zone and the Cowboys have to settle for a 51-yard field goal.


Cowboys have nothing for Henry. And again. 26-yard touchdown and it's 28-6. Van Noy gets to Dak for the second time today. Dak follows up a bullet to Jake Ferguson by dropping the ball in the pocket. Brady's already done with the Cowboys. Tucker misses from 46 but I doubt it'll matter. Touchdown Tolbert. Cowboys go for two but don't get it. That is NOT roughing the passer. Touchdown Turpin and oh my God, are the Ravens about to do it AGAIN? Lamar keeps it and gets the first down! That's that. (Ravens 28, Cowboys 25)

Jauan Jennings has three touchdown against a Rams team that isn't very good. Atwell TOASTED Charvarius Ward. Touchdown Williams and we're somehow tied. That's a good punt. That's a BETTER return. Rams ball at midfield. So many flags, and the Rams take the one for pass interference that's 25 yards. Who's this guy? The guy that just won the game for the Rams, that's who. (Rams 27, 49ers 24)

Cool intro from Samuel L. Jackson talking about selling concessions for the first year of Falcons football while attending Morehouse College. I mean, the Eagles didn't leave Drake London THAT wide open last week. No Pacheco tonight for the Chiefs, as he's down with an ankle injury. Justin Simmons picks off Mahomes in the end zone! That's his sixth interception of Mahomes in his career. Mahomes pump fakes three times and finds Watson for a big first down. Touchdown Rice and we're tied. Cousins hits Pits down the sideline for 54! Bijan scores on the next play. They're not booing, they're saying "Koo." Bijan kicks a fumble out of bounds, which is definitely against the rules. Butker's third field goal puts the Chiefs in front. Touchdown Juju. Butker's PAT misses right, so it's 22-14.


Why are the flags at the top of the goal posts moving? It's a dome. The roof is open tonight. I stand corrected. Bates punches the ball out of Kelce's hands to force a punt. Snap goes high, Matt Ariaza (so this is where he ended up) manages to get the punt off, then Avery Williams fumbles it! But he's ruled down. Falcons driving. How does Cook NOT get called for DPI on Pitts? The Falcons pass on the field goal and Cousins and London can't connect again. Nick Bolton does what CJGJ did on Monday night. Difference is, now the game's over. (Chiefs 22, Falcons 17)

Allen hits rookie Keon Coleman in stride and it's 20-3 Bills. Damar Hamlin with the interception! Crowd goes NUTS. Lawrence overthrew Brian Thomas and there it was. Khalil Shakir makes a Jaguar miss and he takes off. He's tacked at the goal line and falls into the end zone. 27-3 Bills.


Touchdown Ty Johnson and it's 34-3 at halftime. Not that it matters, but the Jaguars had goal to go and ended up at the 18 on fourth and goal, and Von Miller murdered the right tackle.

It's gotten bad for the Jaguars. Trent Baalke may be the worst GM in the league. Press Taylor is a Chris Jericho-esque albatross. Doug may have been the worst coach in the league his last year in Philadelphia. Trevor Lawrence looks lost. Mac Jones fumbled. No, that actually just happened. (Bills 47, Jaguars 10)

Bomb to Chase and the Bengals are on the board first. Commanders strike back with a Brian Robinson touchdown. Tee Higgins back? Commanders back on the move. Wait, that's where Austin Ekeler ended up? He's got a touchdown and the Commanders have got the lead. MacPherson makes it 14-10. You know who's been good tonight is Jayden Daniels. And he just threw a bomb to McLaurin for 56! Then he keeps it and scores. BIG MAN TOUCHDOWN for reserve lineman Trent Scott.


Chase Brown with a tough run. Burrow just overthrows Higgins and he can't get both feet down. They go for it and Iosivas just gets over the line. You don't need to go for two just yet, Bengals. But they do and get it. 28-20. Daniels SLIDES! Stop the presses! Dude was notorious for having zero disregard for his own body in college. Field goal makes it 31-20. CHASE! These guys can't cover him one-on-one. Two-point try fails and it's 31-26 with 9:42 left as the Bengals beg for a flag they should have gotten. Zach Ertz as a Commander is just wrong. But him as the safety valve on 4th and 5? That's right. Touchdown McLaurin! He's set Taylor-Britt on fire tonight. Daniels got absolutely pasted on that throw, too. These defenses have been not good. That's interference. Bengals get a touchdown but the onside kick fails. They're 0-3 and they've got problems. No turnovers or punts? What? (Commanders 38, Bengals 33)

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