Monday, October 28, 2024

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Eyes Aloft

2nd and 26? Good job, Jets. Also still not very good: the Patriots' offense. Dude on the Pats' defense just tried to give Breece Hall a gutbuster. It wasn't very good, and he got caught and flagged for unnecessary roughness. Touchdown LAZARD?

Um, Hall got in. What are we doing here? Call REVERSED. 14-0 Jets. Hall with three stiff-arms on one run. Rodgers just overthrows Garrett Wilson. Legatron shanks it left! That ball came out like a pancake. Brissett gets drilled on this Hail Mary attempt and it's 14-3 Jets at halftime. This isn't going to get any better, is it? Hey, a Drake Maye sighting. (Jets 24, Patriots 3)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NO, MIA @ SEA, BAL @ DAL

Malik Willis is lighting the Titans up. They did him no favors while he was there. Are they just bad? (Packers 30, Titans 14)

Feels like either a long day or a short one. Saints can't be stopped. Carter knocks down Carr's third down pass and the Saints kick the field goal, which takes a weird hook before going through.

Eagles do nothing. CJ comes up with this pass intended for Shaheed but it's ruled incomplete, ad he knocked it to the turf when he punched it out. Hurts to Goedert for 44! Hurts gets picked off by Honey Badger in the end zone! Olsen puts it on Smith for not running a better route.


Carter knocks down another pass. Hurts gets flushed out of the pocket and fumbles. This is a disaster. Becton and Lane Johnson go out for the Eagles on the same play? Not great! Pam reports that Lane's been sick and throwing up, and after the two-minute warning, we see Becton trying to work his left hand. Hurts takes off for 20. Now they're saying Lane's concussed. Meanwhile, Saints center Erik McCoy got hurt on their first drive and has been ruled out. They run a fake on the Shove on 4th and 1 and give it to Saquon, who goes left — but doesn't make it! Saints lead 3-0 at halftime. They go for it AGAIN and Hurts gets sacked. Sirianni and Moore haven't made a single right call in a crucial situation all day. Especially here, with two backup offensive lineman in, you have to kick the field goal here. I know you weren't expecting to end up in a rock fight, but you're in one, and you've got to act accordingly.

Quinyon Mitchell breaks up a pass he probably could have picked. Now Devonta's out with a concussion? That's what that cheap shot on him was.

SAQUON!~ 65 yards and the Eagles lead. They're really trying a 60-yarder here? Elliott kicks it right and it's not even close. Saints lose 15 after getting a first down due to unnecessary roughness. Now Slay's coming off. Touchdown Olave with nobody near him. Saints go for two and don't get it. 12-7 Saints with 2:09 left. It's over. GOEDERT?!? 60 yards down to the Saints' 5! Touchdown Barkley, and I'm not sure the Saints let them score there. Eagles line up to go for two and I'd just do that again. They do, and it works. 15-12 with 1:01 left. Interception by Blankenship! He's really good at those diving picks.

I don't see anything that'll overturn this. Call STANDS. What a completely undeserved win. But you take them any way you can get them.

Also, I just learned that's their first win in the Superdome in 17 YEARS. (Eagles 15, Saints 12)

What the hell, Texans? (Vikings 34, Texans 7)

Myers from 56? GOOD. Now Sanders will try from 57 but he pushes it left.


Geno with along ball to DK inside the 5. Touchdown Charbonnet. Myers misses from 53. Fourth and 39? Good job, Dolphins. Like, I said last week Tua shouldn't play again at least this season, but this season might be over if this keeps up. Now Skylar's down. Tim Boyle warming up. Skylar favoring his right arm and Boyle's in the game. Campbell knocks this pass from Geno into the air and Seiler comes up with it! The Dolphins get a break for once. Shot of Marino in a suite. Surprisingly, he is not on the phone with anyone, but there's a lot of game left. Charbonnet touchdown seals it. (Seahawks 24, Dolphins 3)

Cowboys win the toss and take the ball. They're out of sorts. Two false starts? Lamar scores on a keeper after a good drive. Aubrey hits from 65! Sicko behavior. Remember that 71-yarder he almost tried last week? Burkhardt says McCarthy wanted to do it but got talked out of it. Agholor jukes the rookie and gets 51 after the catch. Henry punches it on the second try. Cowboys put Parsons on top of the center on a blitz and he forces Lamar to throw short. This Dak play in the end zone is a lot: If it's intentional grounding, it's a safety, because Dak wasn't down, but the only Cowboy in the area was his left tackle. There also might be illegal touching, which is what they go with, giving the Cowboys a break. Cowboys cannot get a stop. Touchdown Bateman. They cut to Dak on the sideline and I thought he'd thrown a pick that led to this, but the Cowboys just couldn't stop the Ravens. Then a hold offsets the obvious pass interference in the end zone and the Cowboys have to settle for a 51-yard field goal.


Cowboys have nothing for Henry. And again. 26-yard touchdown and it's 28-6. Van Noy gets to Dak for the second time today. Dak follows up a bullet to Jake Ferguson by dropping the ball in the pocket. Brady's already done with the Cowboys. Tucker misses from 46 but I doubt it'll matter. Touchdown Tolbert. Cowboys go for two but don't get it. That is NOT roughing the passer. Touchdown Turpin and oh my God, are the Ravens about to do it AGAIN? Lamar keeps it and gets the first down! That's that. (Ravens 28, Cowboys 25)

Jauan Jennings has three touchdown against a Rams team that isn't very good. Atwell TOASTED Charvarius Ward. Touchdown Williams and we're somehow tied. That's a good punt. That's a BETTER return. Rams ball at midfield. So many flags, and the Rams take the one for pass interference that's 25 yards. Who's this guy? The guy that just won the game for the Rams, that's who. (Rams 27, 49ers 24)

Cool intro from Samuel L. Jackson talking about selling concessions for the first year of Falcons football while attending Morehouse College. I mean, the Eagles didn't leave Drake London THAT wide open last week. No Pacheco tonight for the Chiefs, as he's down with an ankle injury. Justin Simmons picks off Mahomes in the end zone! That's his sixth interception of Mahomes in his career. Mahomes pump fakes three times and finds Watson for a big first down. Touchdown Rice and we're tied. Cousins hits Pits down the sideline for 54! Bijan scores on the next play. They're not booing, they're saying "Koo." Bijan kicks a fumble out of bounds, which is definitely against the rules. Butker's third field goal puts the Chiefs in front. Touchdown Juju. Butker's PAT misses right, so it's 22-14.


Why are the flags at the top of the goal posts moving? It's a dome. The roof is open tonight. I stand corrected. Bates punches the ball out of Kelce's hands to force a punt. Snap goes high, Matt Ariaza (so this is where he ended up) manages to get the punt off, then Avery Williams fumbles it! But he's ruled down. Falcons driving. How does Cook NOT get called for DPI on Pitts? The Falcons pass on the field goal and Cousins and London can't connect again. Nick Bolton does what CJGJ did on Monday night. Difference is, now the game's over. (Chiefs 22, Falcons 17)

Allen hits rookie Keon Coleman in stride and it's 20-3 Bills. Damar Hamlin with the interception! Crowd goes NUTS. Lawrence overthrew Brian Thomas and there it was. Khalil Shakir makes a Jaguar miss and he takes off. He's tacked at the goal line and falls into the end zone. 27-3 Bills.


Touchdown Ty Johnson and it's 34-3 at halftime. Not that it matters, but the Jaguars had goal to go and ended up at the 18 on fourth and goal, and Von Miller murdered the right tackle.

It's gotten bad for the Jaguars. Trent Baalke may be the worst GM in the league. Press Taylor is a Chris Jericho-esque albatross. Doug may have been the worst coach in the league his last year in Philadelphia. Trevor Lawrence looks lost. Mac Jones fumbled. No, that actually just happened. (Bills 47, Jaguars 10)

Bomb to Chase and the Bengals are on the board first. Commanders strike back with a Brian Robinson touchdown. Tee Higgins back? Commanders back on the move. Wait, that's where Austin Ekeler ended up? He's got a touchdown and the Commanders have got the lead. MacPherson makes it 14-10. You know who's been good tonight is Jayden Daniels. And he just threw a bomb to McLaurin for 56! Then he keeps it and scores. BIG MAN TOUCHDOWN for reserve lineman Trent Scott.


Chase Brown with a tough run. Burrow just overthrows Higgins and he can't get both feet down. They go for it and Iosivas just gets over the line. You don't need to go for two just yet, Bengals. But they do and get it. 28-20. Daniels SLIDES! Stop the presses! Dude was notorious for having zero disregard for his own body in college. Field goal makes it 31-20. CHASE! These guys can't cover him one-on-one. Two-point try fails and it's 31-26 with 9:42 left as the Bengals beg for a flag they should have gotten. Zach Ertz as a Commander is just wrong. But him as the safety valve on 4th and 5? That's right. Touchdown McLaurin! He's set Taylor-Britt on fire tonight. Daniels got absolutely pasted on that throw, too. These defenses have been not good. That's interference. Bengals get a touchdown but the onside kick fails. They're 0-3 and they've got problems. No turnovers or punts? What? (Commanders 38, Bengals 33)

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Saturday, October 5, 2024

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Cutting Three Ways

Josh Allen's hand is all kinds of wrapped up. Al describes Tyreek's Sunday as "a weekend he'll never forget." Really? Interception! Pass went off the receiver's shoulder pads and right to a Bills defender. Herbstreit points out that the receiver's really new here. Bills go for it on fourth down and James Cook is wide open for an easy touchdown. Touchdown Achane. Bills get another pick as the receiver stops and Benford doesn't. That was a weird way to announce the important folks on this field goal. 10-7 Bills. Wait. 24-7? Cook just scored again but did I miss a touchdown? The Bills have won four of their last five against the Dolphins and it looks like this is headed for five out of six. This is... not the greatest clock management. At least they made the field goal at the end of all that. 24-10 Bills at halftime. Oh, Jesus. Pick-six and that's one's Tua's fault alone. 31-10 Bills.

Well shit. Is Skylar Thompson still the backup? And what was Tua thinking there, running directly into Hamlin like that? Man, the discourse postgame is more heavily slanted towards "he shouldn't play again" than it's ever been. I think he should sit for the rest of the season at minimum. And given how the Dolphins' offense falls off a cliff when he's out, well... this may turn out to be a franchise-altering night. (Bills 31, Dolphins 10)

Signal Finder: NO @ DAL, NYJ @ TEN, NYG @ WSH (end), LV @ BAL (end), CIN @ KC

Saints march down the field on the opening drive. Touchdown Kamara. That's concerning.


Dak missing deep late. That one that was intended for Lamb (and that the refs only called offensive holding on) was uncatchable. The ball wasn't even on screen during the replay. Aubrey hits from 52. The Saints immediately come back with a bomb to Shaheed for a 70-yard touchdown! 14-3.
Saints have to kick off from their 20 after a penalty on the PAT, which means they have to kick it to Turpin. Good return to near the 40. Good drive for the Cowboys ends with a sack on third and 10. Another kick makes it 14-6. Screen to Kamara and he's got blockers. He's gonna go! Touchdown Saints! This is not last year's Saints offense and the Cowboys are in the spin cycle. Two Saints get crossed up, Lamb slips through them and he's gone. All this motion is wrecking the Cowboys. Kamara down the sideline! Kamara gets to the edge and there's another touchdown. He's not as fast as he used to be, but he can still move it. Now Dak gets picked off! The receiver fell down and we've got a return here, too. Saints start at the Cowboys' 20. Olave with a leaping catch at the 1! Carr sneaks it in. It's 35-13. It seems like the Cowboys have a truly embarrassing home loss every other season. Kamara breaks a tackle, bounces it outside, and scores! That's his fourth touchdown! And now Zack Martin's being helped off the field. Carr gets picked off by Donovan Wilson and is there a chance here? Zack Martin back in. And the Cowboys give it right back! Honey Badger jumped right in front of that pass. Well, that's that.

(Saints 44, Cowboys 19)

Will Levis isn't good.



So here's what happened: Harlan's calling 49ers-Vikings and threw to the studio for a Game Break, and you can hear Nate Burleson saying "I can't hear you." So Harlan just called the highlight of Levis's touchdown to Calvin Ridley to tie the game, then went right back to his own game. Legend. Braelon Allen (who?) goes in untouched from 22 yards and the Jets lead with 4:43 left. The Jets... can't tackle Levis? Sack! Fourth and goal from the 16. Incomplete. Tyler Boyd's a Titan? I missed that. Kind of like he missed that catch. I'm sorry, that was mean. (Jets 24, Titans 17)

Daniel Jones threw a touchdown pass? To a fellow Giant? Stop the presses. We come to Giants-Commanders tied at 18 right after the two-minute warning. Malik Nabers is mad about something. Giants can't contain Robinson. Austin Siebert on for his seventh(!!!) field goal try today. It's GOOD! The Commanders scored 21 points and won with no touchdowns. This is an indictment, but I'm not sure of who. (Commanders 21, Giants 18)

The Raiders came back after a bad start and we're somehow tied with 2:39 left when CBS arrives. That's a terrible punt. And then a Ravens player went out of bounds on the kick, so it's five yards shorter. That may be the game. Ravens call their last time out with 1:57 left. Raiders go ahead with 27 seconds left. Likely can't bring it in on the far sideline. One second left. Lamar starts pitchy pitchy woo woo with a 35-yard run by himself, but there's an illegal forward pass in there somewhere. Catalon: "The game is over, and so are a lot of survivor pools in this country." (Raiders 26, Ravens 23)

Burrow finds Gesicki, who finds room after coming across the field and gets inside the 10. Chiefs hold and the Bengals settle for three. Chiefs making it look easy. Pacheco! Mahomes slips on fourth and 1 but still gets the ball to fullback Carson Steele, who gets the first down. This time the Bengals hold and the Chiefs can only tie it. Mahomes gets picked off to end the first quarter.


Touchdown Iosivas! Did he get that right foot down? He did. Mahomes dives for a first down. Rice beats Taylor-Britt down the sideline for an easy score. Refs miss defensive pass interference, then Steele fumbles on the next play and the Bengals recover. Chiefs accept this offensive holding penalty to make it 3rd and 14. Romo says it's risky. The Bengals get nine yards back and McPherson hits from 48. Butker from 68?? Yeah, I doubt they'll actually do this. Tracy says he hit from 66 in practice. Yeah, here comes the punt team. Kelce gets to the 1. Touchdown... Wanya Morris? From Boys II Men? Chiefs lead. Now the Bengals are driving. This feels like an important goal line stand. Bengals go for it from the 3, as they probably should against the Chiefs. Touchdown Iosivas AGAIN. PAT goes wide right, and that WILL matter later. Taylor-Britt wins round 2 with a leaping interception. Burrow fumbles? Touchdown Chiefs? Let's see. The camera from the far end zone seems to show that the balls out. Touchdown! Two-point try fails and it's 23-22 Chiefs. Chase is angry about something on the sideline. Nantz wonders if he thought his face mask was grabbed or if he thought he was getting hip drop tackled. And HE just got hit with a penalty. Two minutes left. Kelce gets the first down, but it's erased by a holding call. Fourth and 16. Incomplete... but there's a flag, and that's DPI.

Yeah. It's not even Hanlon's Razor because the call was correct. It's just that this keeps happening.

Butker from 51. It's GOOD! (Chiefs 26, Bengals 25)

This is the first Sunday Night Football game in Houston in five years. Roof is OPEN. The hook for this matchup is Williams vs. Stroud, and their moms do the intro. Santos DOINKS one off the crossbar camera but it still goes through to tie it 3-3. After the commercial Tirico says that the camera is mounted on the back of the crossbar so that if the ball does hit it, you know the kick is good. Texans go for it on fourth and 1, roll Stroud out, and he finds the tight end for a first down. Touchdown Collins. Bears blow a challenge on an obvious Diggs catch. Stroud with a ridiculous throw on the run to Collins. Diggs is ruled short of the first down, and I'm disappointed they're kicking the field goal here. It's 6 inches! Then the Bears go for it on about the same distance from their own 40. Are we sure Herbert got that? Tirico recalls the nutty last week of the 2022 season that started the ball rolling on all of this. Marcedes Lewis is STILL playing? Graphic shows he was taken five picks before DeMeco Ryans, WHO NOW COACHES THE TEXANS. Touchdown Herbert, the Bears' offense's first of the season. This Collins catch on the sideline... hmmm. Booth looks at it, and the call STANDS. Then the Texans false start and they may be out of field goal range. Fairbairn from 59. It's GOOD! I forgot he has a 61-spot on his belt. Chain gang guy is down? He backed up because a play was coming in and fell backwards and hit his head, Melissa says. Caleb throws a bad pick, but the Texans got caught holding. We got a situation on the Bears sideline after Caleb gets hit on it. He was more inbounds on this one that he was on an earlier one. Oh, the refs missed Al-Shaair throwing a punch. He absolutely should have been tossed.



Then Will Anderson sacks Caleb to end this drive. This is a McCarthy-esque challenge by Eberflus on this would-be interception. That ball hit the ground. Now Caleb throws a pick that'll stand. Fairbairn from 53 makes it 19-10. Lassiter gets Caleb AGAIN, and that might be it even with 12:55 left. He may have been trying to throw it away and just didn't throw it high enough. FUMBLE? Bears are adamant they have it. Bears recover at their own 3! That Caleb scramble is the longest play of the night. Late intentional grounding flag comes out. Kmet picks up the first down. Caleb misses D.J. Moore and the Bears have to try a 54-yarder. It's good.

Bears will get one more chance after all. Caleb under pressure AGAIN. Yeah, this isn't happening. (Texans 19, Bears 13)

A quarterback draw on third and 9? OK then. Bijan is spinny. Grant Calcaterra getting some run early. The Falcons can't tackle Saquon. Hurts had Goedert for a moment. They're going for it on 4th and 4? This is a bad decision. Incomplete. I thought Mitchell had that interception. Allgaier making moves. Bijan just drops the ball but he gets back on it. Cousins pulls his pass back for some reason and gets one yard on third down. Field goal is good. Everyone remains 0 for third down. Hurts takes it himself and converts fourth and 3. Really? We're calling delay of game for that? The Eagles haven't done a great job protecting Hurts, but he escapes again and gets 15 on third and 11. Touchdown Smith!


Refs pick up a holding call on the Falcons. Graham sacks Cousins, but the refs call illegal contact on Dean. No one has covered McCloud in two weeks. He gets flagged for grabbing CJ's face mask after CJ ripped his mouthpiece out.

Falcons running over the Eagles now. But they get a stop on first down, and two Cousins incompletions follow. Field goal is good.

Boathouse Row in green tonight. 7-6 Eagles at halftime. Falcons come out running again to start the third quarter. Milton Williams with a sack on third and goal. Field goal puts the Falcons up 9-7. Jason Kelce joins Buck and Aikman in the booth. Buck announcer jinxes Hurts into a sack. He recovers with a nice throw to Smith. Smith with another juggling catch. Eagles quickly shift this field goal try into a fake, but Jason correctly calls that they're just trying to trick the Falcons into a penalty here. It doesn't work, and Elliott kicks a 29-yarder. Footage of Jason and Lane Johnson at WrestleMania. Falcons going for it on 4th and 4 and Cousins finds McCloud. Darnell Mooney wrecks CJGJ for a touchdown, first putting a move on him, then breaking a bad tackle attempt. Falcons go for two but the pass is broken up. Hurts finds Covey on the run. Shove time! Got it. Kelce: "I don't miss that play. Not one bit." This game is flying by. Hurts takes off again. Barkley's knee is down on this catch, and he's short, but they do get the first down. Barkley fantasy owners in shambles. Shove for six. Eagles go for two here. They give it to Barkley, and I'm not sure he made it. I think he jumped too early. Officials say he got it! Oh, there it is on the second effort. Eagles up 18-15. Pitts gets stopped short of the marker. Falcons go for it and Bijan gets stuffed! Screen to Barkley gets a first down. Barkley is ruled short of the first down after the two minute warning, which Aikman says actually helps the Eagles, because the Falcons will have to burn a time out here. A Falcons player just jumps offside. Absolutely intentional. The Eagles smartly decline it. Shove is successful again. Saquon drops a third down pass, and Elliott makes a 28-yarder after Braden Mann controls a bad snap. Zero pressure on Cousins and the Falcons are in the red zone in four plays.

Touchdown Drake London. An unsportsmanlike conduct flag for celebration makes this PAT 48 yards but Koo's not gonna miss it after that. Hurts throws deep under pressure and Bates picks it off. Cousins has won four of his last five Monday night starts? Huh. Both teams got what they deserved. (Falcons 22, Eagles 21)
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Sunday, September 15, 2024

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: The Recipe

And we start off with... a weather delay? Apparently there's LIGHTNING, and we won't get going until 8:40. We kick off on time! Ravens get the ball first after the kickoff lands in the end zone. Flag on the first play. They get Ronnie Stanley for lining up too far back off the line of scrimmage. Cris notes that the league said they were going to emphasize that this season, which means they'll be ignoring it completely by Week 5. Didn't the Ravens sign Derrick Henry so that Lamar wouldn't have to do this any more? Touchdown 22. They give Xavier Worthy the ball on a reverse and he just kind of runs just a little faster than anyone else. Touchdown on his first NFL touch and it's 7-7.

CRIMES. Justin Madubuike changed his name to Nnamdi on Tuesday. Lamar fumbles and its Chiefs ball in the red zone already. Butker makes the field goal. No targets for Travis yet. Agholor whiffs on a block, thwarting the Ravens going for it on fourth down. Mahomes finally finds Travis on a busted play on third and 12. And there's our first shot of Taylor. Mahomes just broke Len Dawson's career passing yards record. Tucker MISSES from 53! We're done here. Mahomes gets picked off! Tucker hits and it's 13-10 at halftime. Chiefs suddenly finding holes in the Ravens' defense. LOL Pacheco kept that pile on its feet for about 10 seconds before finally scoring.

Mahomes pulls a Lamar and catches his own pass, but he does it with two guys on him. Ravens will have another shot. Lamar finds Bateman at the 11! Was he touched? (Yes.) Likely is hurt in the end zone after Lamar overthrows him. Don't you have to spike it there? Oh no, Flowers was wide open and didn't see it? No, that was a bad throw. LIKELY??? That's close. That's SO CLOSE. That first foot might be on the line. Call REVERSED. Wow. (Chiefs 27, Ravens 20)

This is BRAZIL!


Gotta love loopholes. Sao Paulo has 23 million people? Dude named Zeeba's singing the anthem. Both teams had 12 men on the field, negating this Jayden Reed touchdown. I don't think I've ever seen that. Rookie Quinyon Mitchell with good coverage on Watson. Packers go for it on 4th and 6, but they jump, and now they'll punt. Saquon slips on his first carry and loses five yards. Hurts throws late into triple coverage and ex-Giant Xavier McKinney picks it off. Baun with a sack, but Jalen Carter gets called for a personal foul. Sloppy game so far. Packers get three out of it. Early snap hits the ground and the Packers recover. Eagles stuff Jacobs on third and 1, but he gets fourth and 2 after a second push. OPI on Doubs. And now Watson slips in the end zone or he'd have had a touchdown. Hey, an Eagles first down! Another one! Shove time? Hard count draws the Packers offside. Hurts lofts one to Saquon for a touchdown! I say "lofts" but it was basically perfectly placed.

Packers burn their last time out with 10:24 left in the second. Jet sweep to Reed and this one will count. Two-point try is stuffed. MOTION!!! The first real Shove is successful.

Saquon! Love then finds a wide-open Reed for a 70-yard score. Hurts finds Smith on 4th and 3. Elliott field goal ends the half. 19-17 Packers. Bomb to A.J.! Touchdown! Refs letting nothing go. DPI on Maddox leads to a Watson touchdown. Blankenship with a diving interception! Three touchdowns for Saquon! CLANG and it's still 31-26 as the third quarter ends. Another bad Hurts decision and Jaire Alexander intercepts him in the end zone. Someone cover Reed. Why throw there? And an ineligible man downfield on top of it. Holding on the Packers bails them out.

Shouldn't the Packers be using their time outs here? Hurts to Smith for a first down. And AGAIN. That's ballsy but it worked. Elliott is money. The Packers return this kickoff out of the end zone? That wasn't smart. And again NO ONE covers Reed. Love down after the next play. Five seconds left. Love is helped off, as well as center Josh Byers. Malik Willis is the new backup and he's got the arm for a Hail Mary. He slips and Zack Baun brings him down to end it. Jebus. (Eagles 34, Packers 29)

Signal Finder: PIT @ ATL, NE @ CIN, ARZ @ BUF (end), TEN @ CHI (end), JAX @ MIA (end), DAL @ CLE

BIG news morning. Tyreek gets detained on his way to the game, the Cowboys finally reach a deal with Dak (more on that later) and Kendrick Lamar's doing the Super Bowl halftime. Suck it, Drake.


So let's break this down: The Steelers signed Russell Wilson after the Broncos cut him. Then they traded for Justin Fields when the Bears decided they were drafting Caleb Williams. Wilson then beat Justin Fields for the starting quarterback job. But he suffered a calf injury, so Fields is going to start. Meanwhile, the Falcons signed Kirk Cousins, who suffered a torn Achilles tendon last season, to a four-year contract. Then they drafted quarterback Michael Penix Jr. with the No. 8 overall pick. Got all that? Bijan's getting touches? Whoa. Things ARE different. Also, and I forgot about this, Arthur Smith, who the Falcons fired after least season, is the Steelers' new offensive coordinator. Steelers having snap problems. Boswell from 57(!!) to tie it at 3. Why is Ray-Ray McCloud the Falcons' best player right now? Steelers offside on a Cousins fumble. Touchdown Pitts! Is that his first one?

So the Steelers' punter took a long time to get that off, and there's a flag. It looks to me like the Falcons player was blocked into the punter. They call holding on the STEELERS and they have to punt again, but this guy is hurt. There's no way he can kick this. Boswell's gonna come in to punt. Cousins gets picked off! That's why I'm out on the Falcons. You KNOW you can't trust that man. Boswell makes it 18-10 with his sixth(?!) field goal of the day with 28 seconds left. (Steelers 18, Falcons 10)

Jamar Chase is out with an illness? Yeah, he's sick of Mike Brown's cheap ass. Burrow fumbles the snap but falls on it. Oh, he's playing? Never mind, then. Mike Gesicki hits the Griddy after an apparent touchdown, but it's overturned on review. Then Hudson fumbles on his way into the end zone and the Patriots recover! The Bengals are SO back. Fumble on a punt return? The Bengals are ABSOLUTELY back. Joey Slye makes it 13-0 Patriots. And the Patriots will run it out. You know what? Good for Jerod Mayo. (Patriots 16, Bengals 10)
So Sam Darnold completed his first 10 passes against the Giants.


You can guess how the rest of this went. (Vikings 28, Giants 6)


Simone BIles's husband just returned a blocked punt for a touchdown! What the hell, Levis? Pick-6 and the Bears lead. This is only the fourth time that the No. 1 pick has won the season opener in his debut. And the Bears didn't score a single offensive touchdown! (Bears 24, Titans 17)

Bills go up six with two minutes left. Oh, that's a bad drop. Why is Greg Dortsch the target there? You drafted Marvin Harrison Jr. for a reason. (Bills 34, Cardinals 28)


Sanders from 52. It's GOOD! And it all stems from Etienne's goal line fumble, which would have put the Jags up 27-7. Apparently after the game, Calais Campbell said he got put in cuffs by the same cops who stopped Tyreek. What the hell's going on down there? (Dolphins 20, Jaguars 17)

The Broncos have TWO safeties? In the SAME QUARTER?


Yeah, they're gonna be bad again this year, too. (Seahawks 26, Broncos 20)

So the Cowboys gave a guy who's never been to a conference championship game in eight years as a starter an $80 million signing bonus and $231 million guaranteed. This feels like the definition of insanity. Cowboys get the ball first.


Offensive holding, then a sack. Then a crappy punt that's returned into Cowboys territory. Then the Browns false start on 4th and 2. They're still going for it? Why are they trying to get the Cowboys to jump on 4th and 7? Just kick the field goal, you clowns. Hopkins hits from 51. Lamb wins that battle against Ward for a 44-yard gain. The Browns lose Cooks and he catches an easy touchdown. Mike Periera's back! Ward wins round 2 with a near-pick. These Brady promos are weird as hell. "Why don't you buy a soccer team?" "Got one." (I did not know he bought a stake in Birmingham City.) Did they rule that a catch? That's not a catch, and they expedited the review and realized it wasn't. Touchdown Zeke, which is all he's good for at this point. Tip drill pick for Eric Kendricks.

Why are they showing Brady watching his own Tostitos commercial? That was Edelman? The Cowboys brought Aubrey on to try a 66-yarder, he HIT it, but they didn't get it off in time. They're going for 71! Now the Browns call time. They're not gonna do this. They don't. 20-3 Cowboys at halftime. I know he doesn't have Chubb or his two starting tackles but Watson's looked terrible. Turpin with a punt return for a touchdown. Refs forget to give the Browns a first down. Christ. It's SECOND and goal. How did this happen? Touchdown Jerry Jeudy, which may be his first career one. (He was bad in Denver.)

(Cowboys 33, Browns 17; Buccaneers 37, Commanders 20)

Oooh, a new arrangement. I like it. Calvin Johnson doing the intro. Lions are jacked up. Good Rams drive suddenly gets throws into reverse. Third and 23? Sure. If I'm the Lions I'd be using Montgomery more in these short yardage situations. Good juke by Gibbs, though. Oh, this is close. Refs say no. Call REVERSED. Touchdown Lions. Bad throw by Stafford under pressure and he's picked in the end zone. Puka Nakua is out after being hurt earlier, coming back, and getting hurt again. Touchdown Jameson Williams, who put a double move on Tre'Davious White and set him on fire. If he's figured it out... Touchdown Kyren Williams. Yeah, that's interference. Lions hold Rams to three, which will matter later. John Johnson picks off Goff. Did he hold on? I think he did. Call STANDS. Rams ball. OK, that's great footwork by Kupp. The Rams did the Lions a favor by hurrying to get that next play off, because the Lions would have challenged it, and they would have lost. Touchdown Kupp and the Rams lead. This Gibbs run is interesting — if he's ruled down inbounds, does either team call timeout to save 10 seconds? He is, and they don't. Goff can't hit Gibbs, so they settle for a field goal try. We're tied 20-20 with 17 seconds left. Carlton Davis watches an interception go through his hands. Hutchinson sacks Stafford and we're going to overtime. Montgomery with a 31-yard blast. He's certainly fresh. Have the Lions attempted a pass on this drive? And should they, seeing how they're rolling the Rams here? Touchdown Montgomery! (Lions 26, Rams 20, OT)

No McCaffery? Uh-oh. Jets get the ball first. We're on a snap count. Even Buck's on it after two three-and-outs. (Also, Leonard Floyd, who took Rodgers out last year, is a 49er this year.) Warner punches the ball out of Breece Hall's grip and the 49ers have it. Deebo wearing 1 now. Moody puts the Niners on the board. Big catch by Garrett Wilson over Lenoir. Touchdown Hall on a drive that was all him and Wilson. Nice run by Jordan Mason, yet another undrafted (in his case) or low-drafted guy that a Shanahan has gotten a lot out of, as Buck mentions. And this 49ers' offesnsive line isn't even that great outside of Trent Williams. Double reverse to open the second quarter gets blown all the way up, but Deebo manages to salvage enough that the 49es can still try a kick.


It's good from 51. Mason slashes through for a touchdown, but Deebo gets caught holding. Redemption! Touchdown Deebo and it's 13-7 49ers. They'll get the ball to start the second half after another field goal. This Jets defense is gassed. They can't get a stop! Touchdown Mason. Interception! Rodgers had to rush that throw a little and Lenoir tipped it to a teammate.

Talk turns to the Hasson Reddick situation, which was COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE. Moody CLANGS one in from 53. Rodgers with a strike to Lazard on a free play. He can't keep getting away with this. They give it to Hall but he doesn't make it. 26-13. Legatron's kick hits in the landing zone before rolling in to the end zone, so it's 49ers ball at the 20. Jets can't convert third and 1 or fourth and 1.
Moody is 6 for 6. 32-13 with 4:20 left. This was a roasting. Wait. Is this...

It is! (49ers 32, Jets 19)
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Friday, November 24, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Key Status

Dick Butkus's death was announced about 90 minutes ago. I'm not even kidding. The Bears... SCORE? On the opening drive? My God. Khalil Herbert breaks a big run. Bears add three more. Commanders doing absolutely nothing so far. Moore with another big catch. Fields gets away with intentional grounding. Touchdown Moore and it's 17-0. That's his second tonight. Howell throws up a deep ball that looks like it's getting intercepted, then goes through the receiver's hands instead. Slye puts the Commanders on the board. Howell gets picked off. Another good run by Herbert,who's averaging nine yards a carry. Touchdown Cole Kmet and this is a rout. 27-3 Bears with 26 seconds left in the half.

Touchdown Commanders? Sure. Logan Thomas gets dogpiled and the Bears rip the ball out of his hands. And Fields immediately gets sacked. Howell finds Antonio Gibson down the sideline. Howell avoids two sacks and gets 11 on third and 13, setting up... a field goal. Moore is cooking Emmanuel Forbes tonight. But he can't corral a third-down throw from Fields. Santos makes it 30-14. Howell finds Samuel on the run at the Bears 4, then finds him wide open in the back of the end zone. Two-point try fails miserably. This can't happen again, can it? Bears catch a break when this DPI flag is picked up. Howell finds McLaurin again on the next play. Pass goes through Gibson's hands and Slye misses right from 46. It was fourth and 15. TOUCHDOWN MOORE. Fuller tried to jump the route, whiffed, and that was that. Moore has 230 receiving yards tonight. Bears win for the first time in 15 games. (Bears 40, Commanders 20)

Turns out the Jaguars did spend the week. A sack fumble by AJ Espensa preserves the elevener at halftime, only it's 11-7 Jaguars.


Zay Jones fumbles and loses 15 yards before the ball rolls out of bounds, creating 4th and 29. Half of Allen's throws are too high for anyone. Still 11-7 after three. Lawrence fumbles again! Then Darius Williams gets his second interception in London in two weeks when he outjumps Diggs. That out to Ridley has been there all day. Jaguars should be running the ball more. Not like THAT. Bills keep losing defenders. Milano got carted off? I missed that, which explains a lot. Now Ed Oliver's down with cramps after a second straight Etienne run. Touchdown Etienne, who hits the Griddy afterwards. They went 93 yards. You kick this, right? Yeah. 18-7 with 7:44 left. Bills finally put together a drive. Not sure why you're running up the middle at this point with five minutes left down two scores. Josh Allen sacks Josh Allen, but their helmets collide and that's roughing. The quarterback is on his horse and finds Gabe Davis on the run for a touchdown. Eisen and Warner can't find the flag. Apparently there was OPI on Davis. So they go right back to him. This time the interference is on the defense and the touchdown counts. They go for two and Shakir's wide open, but Darius Williams comes flying in and stops him cold. 18-13 with 4:06 left. (It turns out the OPI was actually on Dalton Kincaid.) Lawrence goes deep for Ridley on third and 4 and he's got him for 32. Etienne goes left 35 yards for a touchdown and that'll do it, I think. Or not? Two big plays and the Bills are at the Jaguars' 3. Allen keeps it, gets stood up, but powers his way in. Onside kick gets some height, but Engram knocks it out of bounds. Don't field that punt! Luckily, the ball bounces out of bounds. Bills immediately try pitchy pitchy woo woo but there's nobody there. (Jaguars 25, Bills 20)

Signal Finder: BAL @ PIT, PHI @ LAR, KC @ MIN

"Chapter 59." More Justice Hill touchdowns. Brad Wing's back in the league after six years to replace the Steelers' injured punter. Bateman drops a touchdown on third down. Do the Steelers have a first down yet? They do now, thanks to Pickens. Steelers going up tempo, because they have to try something to wake this offense up. Pickett gets sacked by Arthur Maulet, who Eagle refers to as a former Steeler like anyone knows who he is. Hill fumbles and the Steelers recover at midfield. Boswell hits from 43. TJ plasters Lamar. Then Lamar finds Flowers for a first down with 54 seconds left. They pass up a field goal to go for it on 4th and 2, but Lamar gets flushed out of the pocket and overthrows Flowers. Davis says they should have called time out when the Steelers' defense shifted. Halftime. Steelers technically "win" this challenge and don't lose a time out because the fumble wasn't part of the initial call. But it's still first down Ravens. Sack is negated by a hold downfield. Agholor watches a deep ball go right through his hands. Promising Steelers drive ends with another sack. Steelers block the punt! That's probably a safety, and it is. That never had a chance. Warren's been so much better running the ball than Harris today it's not funny. He then loses two yards on first and goal. Pickens wants a flag on second down but doesn't get it. Boswell makes it 10-8. Steelers get a stop but fumble the punt return and it's Ravens ball! Announcers wonder if maybe his own teammate got run into him, knocking the ball free. Lamar makes a terrible throw and Joey Porter Jr. gets the pick in the end zone. Steelers now facing the bad end of TAFKA Heinz Field. But that won't matter because TOUCHDOWN GEORGE PICKENS! Two-point try fails and the Steelers are left with a hard 14. Highsmith forces a fumble and T.J. recovers!


Steelers taking knees even though the Ravens have two time outs. Mild "T.J. Watt" chant. Steelers kick a field goal with 52 seconds left, and Eagle notes that the penalty on third down stopped the clock. Watt sack ends it. A gross loss for the Ravens and an improbable win for the Steelers. (Steelers 17, Ravens 10)

A 102-yard pick six? How do you allow that?


Now Jones is out with a neck injury, which may be for the best, at least as far as today goes. (Dolphins 31, Giants 16)


This has been a beatdown. The Patriots may officially be bad. (Saints 34, Patriots 0)

It's weird getting the lead announce team in the late game of Regional Coverage. Lots of Eagles fans at SoFi. Goedert getting fed early. Hurts outruns a blitz, then keeps it and takes it to the Rams' 4. Touchdown Goedert as Hurts proverbially threads the needle. Kupp making his season debut today but it's Puka Nacua, who's come out of nowhere, who gets the first throw. There's Kupp on the second one. He gets another first down on third and 8. Eagles miss a sack but Stafford overthrows Nacua. Rams are going for it, and it's Kupp again. Slay or Bradberry is going to have to be on him at all times — that's too much to ask of the young kids. They go to Atwell and he's got a touchdown. Bad drop by A.J. Hurts overthrows Quez. Gainwell runs through a tackle and gets a first down after making himself Hurts's safety valve. Quarterback draw on third and 9? Sure, why not. Brotherly Shove on third down! Graphic shows the Eagles are 93% successful with it as opposed to everyone else at 81 percent.


Screen to Quez gets stuffed on third and 2. He probably should have cut inside. Field goal is good.

Two minute warning already? These 4:05 starts mess with my timing paradigms. There's Kupp again, and this one goes for 39. Nacua beats Bradberry for a touchdown. Hurts finds Brown for a big pickup, and that horse collar at the end will put the Eagles in the red zone. And now it'll be first and goal at the 1 as Brown gets interfered with. Rough last two plays for Kendrick. Burkhardt thinks it's shove time. They get it, going through like they're drilling for coal or something. Eagles lead 17-14 at halftime. Carter dumps Stafford for an 11-yard sack. Face mask gets called on Cunningham on a give-up run and I think the refs got that one wrong. Then they call intentional grounding for some reason. Big Goedert game. Hurts underthrows to the end zone and it's intercepted. Lamar did the same thing earlier. Nucua again, and Blankenship gets called for a horse collar. Morrow appears to get an interception off a deflection, but replay shows it hit the ground. Rams fumble, but they get it back, but it's fourth down. Eagles turn to the ground game. Hurts is such a tough, smart runner. Two guys who've been neutralized: Aaron Donald and Devonta Smith. Donald has never had a sack against the Eagles. Eagles are starting to get more pressure on Stafford. Reddick with back-to-back sacks to end it. Defense pitched a shutout in the second half. Proper. (Eagles 23, Rams 14)

It's the FIRST PLAY, Vikings! PROTECT THE FOOTBALL! Nice leaping catch by Gray. Touchdown Pacheco. Double corner blitz? OK, Chiefs. Vikings convert fourth and 5 by going to Jordan Addison. They get three out of it. Cousins misses Osborn in the end zone, throwing it right over his head. Field goal is good. Nantz and Romo rave about the stadium, then Chris Jones sacks Cousins. FAKE PUNT! They snap it to a side man, who hands it to the up man on a reverse! That's a new one. Touchdown Addison and the Vikings lead. Chiefs running their two-minute drill as Kelce hobbles off. Replay shows he just went down without being touched, which is rarely a good sign. Delay of game? Butker ties it at 13 as the half ends. Kelce back out to start the second half but his foot's wrapped in tape. Mahomes flicks it to Rice, who speeds into the end zone. Touchdown Kelce! Vikings come back with a touchdown catch by Addison. Vikings are out of time outs with nine minutes left. That won't come back to haunt them at ALL. Vikings driving again. Remember, they can't stop the clock. Flag comes down in the end zone and Sneed is stunned. Now the officials are discussing it, and they pick it up.


Steratore mentions "Catchability" which means that the pass being uncatchable — which this one was — is still a thing after all. (Chiefs 27, Vikings 20)

Russ gets caught from behind and fumbles! The Jets pick it up and that's gonna be a touchdown! Oh my God. Suck it, Payton.



(Jets 31, Broncos 21)

T.O. with a mini history lesson. Parsons was offside, negating a 49ers fumble and Cowboys recovery. You can trace Purdy's emergence directly to the acquisition of Christian McCaffrey. Lot of guys moving on this play and Purdy finds Kittle in the end zone. Nick Bosa gets to Dak. Warner forces a Pollard fumble, but did the 49ers recover inbounds? Why does NBC keep showing the same replay that doesn't show the actual recovery? Oh, there's a different angle. That looks clean. Call STANDS. 49ers ball. Then McCaffrey FUMBLES! Dak, if you have to pump fake twice, throw it away. DOUBLE REVERSE FLEA FLICKER. TOUCHDOWN KITTLE. It's so over.


Touchdown Turpin, who just outruns anyone who's covering him. McCaffrey runs tough, too. And there's his 14th straight game with a touchdown. Why is all the traffic on the Bay Bridge going in one direction? Oh man. Giants are reduced to having Thibodeaux in their "next week's preview" graphic. Warner chases Dak down and the Cowboys give up and head into halftime down 21-7. Hargrave stops a third down Cowboys run, forcing a field goal.

Offensive holding erases a big play to Aiyuk. Touchdown Kittle, his third of the night! Gipson picks off a Dak deep ball under pressure. Purdy's carving these dudes up. I think I may have been wrong about him. He finds Juzsczyk for a touchdown and it's 35-10 early in the fourth.
"
Dak throws to a covered Gallup, the pass is knocked away, and Warner comes up with the interception. Then Jordan Mason (Who?) runs free to the end zone. We're done here.

What do you mean, he's inactive? How do you not activate him for THIS game if only for the memes? At the very least, Dak should be out.

There's ANOTHER interception. Christ. (49ers 42, Cowboys 10)

Packers come out running without Aaron Jones. They line up to go for it but they can't draw the Raiders offside, so they take the five-yard delay of game penalty and punt. Anders Carlson (whose brother Daniel is the Raiders' kicker) puts the Packers on the board. Raiders try a running back pass with Jacobs but the Packers don't bite and Jacobs eats it. Garoppolo finds Meyers and he fights for a first down. They go to him again and he fights his way into the end zone. Love throws an interception which the Raiders turn into a Daniel Carlson field goal. The Raiders don't call time out after stopping the Packers on third down, for some reason. Meyers with a sliding catch, and that IS a catch. Garoppolo threads the needle to Meyers again. How that wasn't picked I'll never know. Now Savage is hurt.


Packers block Daniel Carlson's field goal to end the half. 10-3 Raiders. Where's Scott? Buck hosted Countdown and his wife Michelle Beisner's hosting halftime. Jack Eichel's here with the Stanley Cup. Hockey's back tomorrow night! What's with all the smoke? Rudy Ford picks off Garoppolo. Raiders can't tackle Dillon. All the way to the end zone. Garoppolo throws on the run and just misses a wide-open Michael Mayer.

Later, Love finds a wide-open Watson and he damn near scores. As it was, it went for 77 yards and then Marcus Peters did a horse-collar tackle on him. The Raiders hold them to a field goal. Good run by Jacobs. There's Adams finally. And there he is again to set up first and goal. Jacobs scores to open the fourth. Spillane gets his second interception of the night off a deflection by Marcus Peters. Watson wasn't anything close to open there. Garoppolo gets sacked on third and 3. He's not really helping matters. Someone on the Packers threw a block on a rusher that may have saved Love's life. The Packers don't have anything for Crosby. Raiders running clock. McDaniels chooses a 52-yard field goal, but it hits the upright and bounces out. This man doesn't know what he's doing. The only saving grace is that they're up four. Aikman: "Well, they'd better block 98." Buck: "That's your analysis?" Refs are looking at this catch by Patrick Taylor to see if he got a first down here. They overturn the call and give it to him. Don't know why the Packers are running the ball here with only one time out left. Love throws up a prayer and it's intercepted in the end zone! Oh boy. I don't know about this guy. (Raiders 17, Packers 13)

RANKINGS: TOP 4:
1. San Francisco (5-0) — A bit too easy, maybe
2. Philadelphia (5-0) — Marching on
3. Detroit (4-1) — Is this happening?
4. Kansas City (4-1) — Can't shake 'em
BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (1-4) — They... won?
30. New England (1-4) — Oh dear
31. N.Y. Giants (1-4) — Outrun by fish
32. Carolina (0-5) — This... was not their chance

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Sunday, November 5, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Swift Technique

The Packers put David Bakhtiari on IR like, eight hours ago. Goff with a miscue as Rudy Ford picks him off. He threw that late. Packers capitalize with a field goal. Goff finds LaPorta on a crossing route and he gets 30. Touchdown Lions. Might want to cover Amon-Ra next time. Oh, Douglas fell down. Not great. Goff stumbling forward. Touchdown David Montgomery. Love not looking great so far tonight.

Second quarter starts with the Lions in first and goal. I saw no hold there. Riley Patterson (wearing #36) makes it 17-3. Al refers to the "cockamamie Internet." Love throws high and he gets intercepted! Anzalone tipped it, actually, and it went right to Jacobs. Touchdown Montgomery. Packers fans cheering a false start. A Lions player jumps offside twice and the Packers get a first down. Crowd cheers that, too. They're down BAD tonight. Goff escapes and finds LaPorta, who had to go up and get it. Lions add a field goal and it's 27-3. "They look athletic." Really, Kirk? Halftime Hail Mary falls short.


Brian Branch gets helped off the field. Packers go for it on fourth and 9 and Doubs makes a falling catch at the Lions' 2. Now Barnes is hurt but he gets up and walks off. No one covers Watson and that's a touchdown. Packers go for two and get it. Love with the deep ball to Reed!

Love keeps it, but he's brought down before he can reach the end zone. Did they give him a touchdown? REALLY? BOTH his knees were down! That's a joke. Oh, that was the two-point attempt? Lions decide to start running the ball again. They run on third and 9 and get seven, and they were always going for it on fourth down, or at least acting like they would. Packers don't jump, and Patterson hits from 30 to make it 30-17. But Quay Walker's dumb ass got called on a running start to leap across the line on the kick, and it's an automatic first down for the Lions! Now it's fourth and goal at the 1. Now what? Lions are going for it. Touchdown Montgomery, his third of the night. Extra point makes it 34-17 and this feels over. Al notes that a lot of fans are still here, and says that some of the Packers fans are holdovers from the Milwaukee years and tickets still have preferred games. (There are also a not-small amount of Lions fans here.) Branch back in the game, a good sign. Now he's down again, a less good sign. Love throws another pick and that's that. (Lions 34, Packers 20)


This implies that Drake London was thrown a pass, which can't be true.

So are the Jaguars just going to stay in London this week? (Yes.) (Jaguars 23, Falcons 7)

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, LV @ LAC, NE @ DAL

That's the slowest 99-yard interception return I've ever seen. Then the Vikings get their own defensive touchdown. This game was over before 3:45.


(Vikings 21, Panthers 13)

Howell getting the ball out fast, especially to McLaurin, who's primed to cut the Eagles up like he always does. Eagles force a fourth and 1. Commanders give it to Robinson and he gets it. Commanders move early on third down. Then the Eagles get called for holding to create first and goal at the 4. Jet sweep to Curtis Samuel and he walks in. Eagles on the move here. That's a horse collar. Flag came out late but it still counts. Goedert picks up third and 6. Swift runs through a huge hole on the left side for a touchdown. 7-7 after dueling seven-minute drives. McLaurin inexplicably left wide open on third and 6. Big catch by Logan Thomas and Edmunds gets flagged for unnecessary roughness. Eagles finally get to Howell but Edmunds drops an interception. Robinson fumbles into the end zone, but McLaurin recovers it in the end zone, because of course he does. The slant to Brown remains unstoppable. Fourth and short. Davis calls it the "tush push" while Moose says he prefers "Brotherly Shove." (I side with Moose here.) It works, but Dickerson gets called offside, and the Eagles punt.



Hey, a sack! Chase Young gets past Mailata for a sack. Announcers note that he's missed most of the last two seasons,and that Sirianni's never coached against him. Hurts overthrows Smith. Donna Kelce's at the game with... Jake from State Farm? Davis says she's planning on going up to the MetLife HQ to see Travis tonight and calls it a "tailor-made trip." Howell overthrows McLaurin, who had Jobe beat. But then he finds Diyami Brown for 35, and the Eagles had no idea where he was, either. Bradberry gets called for DPI on a ball ten feet above everyone's head. Howell trips and goes down. Commanders settle for three. Hurts throws to Goedert is off-target and Emmanuel Forbes just misses a pick-six. Slant to Brown is a yard short, and they go for it. Hurts takes it left this time and picks it up. BIG catch by Smith! Booth reviews it and it (pretty obviously) stands. Elliott hits from 41 to end the half.

Sua Opeta replaces Cam Jurgens, who Pam reports has a foot injury. Covey in on offense? Perfect throw to A.J. for 28. Elliott makes it 17-13. That's not pass interference, either. Dotson has one go right through his hands. Kendall Fuller saves a big gain by Smith with a leg tackle. Hurts finds A.J., who follows his blockers and turns it into a 59-yuard touchdown! Hurts was roughed on the play, and the Eagles elect to take the penalty on the PAT and go for two. Gainwell gets it and it's 21-17 Eagles. Commanders use former quarterback Thomas to run their sneak on third and inches and it works. Slay shaken up. Howell gets away from Cox but not Morrow. Goedert with a diving catch after Kam Curl just misses the knockdown. Commanders can't get off the field. Eagles run it on third and 11 for... some reason, and Gainwell fumbles but Lane falls on it. Howell keeps running out of trouble. That hit might be late. It is, and it's costly, because he wouldn't have had the first down otherwise. Commanders try the Thomas sneak again but this time it gets stuffed. Refs call the illegal formation and not the false start, for some reason. Why'd they accept the penalty? Robinson scores and we're tied. Hurts evades a sack and gets to midfield. Refs rule that Crowder signaled for a fair catch at his own 6. Reddick's first sack is timely in his first game without the cast on his hand. Zaccheaus drops one but catches the next one. A.J.! Touchdown! But there's still 1:43 left, and A.J. got flagged for taunting afterward, so they'll be kicking off from the 20. Morrow with his THIRD sack today. Howell finds Diyami Brown on fourth and 2.

COVER McLAURIN YOU IDIOTS. Five seconds left. Howell throws incomplete to Samuel (who wasn't in the end zone anyway), but there's still one second left. Refs make it two. Touchdown Dotson as Jobe gets completely fooled. Commanders elect to tie it (???) and we're going to overtime.

Howell finds McLaurin but he can't stay inbounds. It goes to the booth. Call stands and the Commanders punt. Rare bad punt by Tress Way and the Eagles start at their own 41. Bubble screen to Smith comes up short. Now what? Sneak works! That was longer than usual. And I think Da'Ron Payne tried to go high and ended up gong over Hurts. Swift manages to stay inbounds and get a first down. Hurts gets called for intentional grounding on a miscommunication between him and A.J. that left Hurts throwing a long ball to nobody. They get nine yards back and here comes Elliott for a 54-yard try. It's GOOD! But it didn't need to be this way. (Eagles 34, Commanders 31, OT)

Um... Steelers? (Texans 30, Steelers 6)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1-75)


Talk about a dude who bought his own hype. Like a one-man version of the PG/Hibbert Pacers. The Bears were up 28-7. What happened? (Broncos 31, Bears 28)


Also, Garoppolo just showed up in concussion protocol on, like, Thursday, so rookie Aiden O'Connell is starting at quarterback for the Raiders. This game is gonna SUCK. O'Connell with a rushing touchdown? What? Herbert throws into double coverage in the end zone and it's broken up. O'Connell fumbles! Chargers ball! Recent Chargers draft bust Jerry Tillery gets flagged for roughing. That won't help his status. They ejected him! Wow! Herbert to Allen for an easy touchdown and it's 17-7. NOW what? The Chargers suddenly have the ball again in the red zone? O'Connell fumbled on a sack? Wow. Fourth and goal at the 1 and Herbert dives for the touchdown. Mack gets two sacks to start the second half, and he's got four TODAY. Make it five. Raiders manage a field goal. Herbert with a bad throw and that gets picked. Mack's SIXTH sack of the game makes it 3rd and 35. Raiders punt on 4th and 30 instead of trying a 57-yard field goal. I dunno. At least they got the punt they wanted there. They force a three-and-out. O'Connell force-feeding Adams. Touchdown Jacobs! Raiders get the ball back with 3:30 left and this may be turning into a Chargering.

Great catch by Adams on the sideline. Interception! Asante Samuel Jr. baited the rookie and picked him off.

Though he probably shouldn't have slid down with so much time left. (Chargers 24, Raiders 17)

Where's Pollard? Rico Dowdle getting the work on this series. There he is, getting cut down on a sweep. Christian Gonzalez leaves the game with an in jury and Lamb immediately catches a touchdown over his replacement. 10-3 Cowboys. Zeke with a vintage carry. Mac finds Gesicki in a tight window. Juju gets 14 on third and 15. Patriots try the push and it doesn't work. Burkhardt: "The problem is nobody does this play as well as Philly does it."


Dak gets sandwiched. Jalen Tolbert buries the punt returner. Mac gets sacked — and the ball comes out! Vander Esch picks it up and scores. Then the Cowboys run a fake on the extra point and get two out of it. What's going on down there? Parsons into the blue tent with a leg issue. Ferguson gets flattened but hangs on for a 23-yard gain. Field goal makes it 21-3. And THAT'S why you're taught never to throw back across the field. Pick-six for Bland and it's 28-3.

Cowboys get the ball back and get to midfield, and McCarthy's clearly high on his own supply here trying a 66-yarder. False start puts an end to that foolishness. Things get chippy as the half ends.

Donovan Wilson pops Mac on a scramble, keeping him from a first down. And then Bland picks off Mac on fourth and 2! Pats hold them to a field goal, like it'll matter. Patriots aren't letting the Cowboys drive the stake in on offense, at least — they sack Dak on fourth and 3 to take over. Only to punt again. Mac's been pulled. The Patriots aren't good any more, you guys. (Cowboys 38, Patriots 3)

McCaffrey's going to beat the Cardinals all by himself, isn't he? Yeah, looks like it. Purdy only had one incompletion? (49ers 38, Cardinals 16)

Tirico: "She's here."


The intro is The Voice set and all about Taylor Swift because this game is going to be an absolute dud. Two straight catches by Kelce and no shots of Taylor's suite. DO YOUR JOB. Jets mange to hold them to a field goal, which is a glorious triumph. Pacheco breaks a tackle in the backfield and he's GONE. 48 yards! Cris highlights guard Trey Smith flattening Jordan Whitehead, who he mercifully does NOT name. Another big run by Pacheco along with two penalties on the Jets. Touchdown Noah Gray. 17-0. This Morstead punt landing at the 6 is the best play the Jets have so far. Wait, what? Jawaan Taylor gets called for a face mask in the end zone, giving the Jets a safety. Free kick goes into the end zone, which is rare. It looks like the officials got that one wrong — the grab was in the field of play — but McAuley says that the twist happened in the end zone. I don't know, and it probably won't matter.

Graphic shows how Wilson is much worse when he holds the ball for longer than 2.5 seconds. Lazard comes back to pull down a deep pass from Wilson. Field goal makes it 17-5. Ashton Davis (?) picks off Mahomes! Cobb with the extension to get the first down. Gipson on a reverse and it's first and goal. Touchdown C.J. Uzomah and this is, shockingly, a game.

Mosley drops what would have been another pick. Toney gets drilled. Butker makes a 37-yarder. Wait, the Jets' two Michael Carters went to Duke and Carolina? Legatron hits the upright and misses. Is Rodgers sitting in the bleachers? This time Mosley gets the interception! Eighteen seconds and two time outs. Hmmm. Zach takes off and gets to midfield. Half ends with a sack. Jets honor Joe Klecko at halftime. That's the second tough catch Tyler Conklin's made tonight. Jeremy Ruckert? This is the best football Zach Wilson's ever played. Touchdown Lazard. They go for two, Wilson keeps it, evades a sack, and gets there! We're somehow tied! Footage of Pacheco running interspersed with Marshawn Lynch, a comparison Tirico says Saleh made. Breece Hall takes off for 43 but the Jets can't do anything with it. Cris talking about how the Chiefs' big plays are gone with Hill and Mecole Hardman elsewhere (Hardman is actually on the Jets, but as Tirico pointed out earlier, he hasn't done much.) You could hear that pass get batted down. Encroachment? Sure. The hell of it is that Cris is 100 percent right about how taking off in the convertible with Travis after last week's game is the most freeing thing she's done in 20 years. Butker puts the Chiefs back in front with 10:30 left. Bad snap, Wilson fumbles, and it's Chiefs ball at midfield. One Mahomes scramble is called back for a penalty, but the subsequent one, a 25-yarder, stands. Chiefs now face third and 20 with Kelce catching his breath. Mahomes throws another interception but the Jets get called for holding, a call nobody seems to like. Pacheco picks up a key first down. Big game for him in his first pro game in New Jersey. (I believe it was mentioned last week that this is also Mahomes' first start in "New York".) Mahomes scrambles, gets the first down, and slides at the 2. Ball game. The Chiefs had the ball for the final six minutes or so.

(Chiefs 23, Jets 20)

This is a Manningcast game. Jamal Adams back. Peyton's already annoyed that Jones has passed up/missed two shots downfield. Giants run the sneak at the Seahawks' 27. It doesn't work!


Kenneth Murray was... not down? The graphic says touchdown as Murray rolled over a Giants defender, got up, kept running, stopped, then kept running to the end zone. Let's see. Yeah, his elbow hits the turf.

Peyton: "We talk about cheeks a lot." Call REVERSED and it turns into a two-yard loss. Adams headed to the locker room already? Giants muff this punt but retain possession. "This hasn't been a smooth game so far." Jones runs have been the Giants' best plays so far. Devon Witherspoon comes on a corner blitz and sacks Jones. Offsetting penalties on a Seahawks deep ball. Will Ferrell comes in early to compliment Peyton's acting, not just in his new film, but while demonstrating a play call earlier. Vintage Daniel Jones: gets sacked and fumbles. Seahawks ball at the Giants' 7. Geno rolls out and finds Metcalf for a touchdown, fulfilling Ferrell's prediction of a touchdown pass.

7-0 to end the first quarter. Why does Peyton have a Giants helmet? Now Ferrell's giving him plays. "Make it slippy." Brieda catches a wheel route but slips and is mad at himself afterwards. Will rates Eli's impression of him a 1.1, which is about right.

Geno's pass gets batted back to himself! He takes a two-yard loss. Thibodeaux (who Ferrell calls "the French kid") can't corral another deflection or he'd have had six. Now Geno's being looked at on the sideline after getting hit on that deflected pass. And the Giants have a new center at their own 1. Low snap but Jones salvages it and finds a first down. Witherspoon blows up what Eli thought was a double pass. He's been hitting people tonight. Gano makes a 55-yarder. Lock's still warming up, and he's coming in. Peyton: "I don't like seeing quarterbacks with action shots in the tunnel. That's the same room Rodgers went in." Noah Fant heads down the sideline and breaks several poor Giants tackles and... well, he'll be ruled down at the 2 after they look at this, but still.

Touchdown Murray and we've got more unpleasantries. Ty Woolen almost had a diving interception. This is a great punt. This Seahawks punt is also quite good, but the Giants ran into Dickson AND held on the back end, so the Seahawks keep the ball. There's a guy in an Eli jersey and a lucha mask and the girl next to him is rolling her eyes in disgust. Eli: "Is Taylor Swift at this game?" Peyton: "If she is, she left." Geno back out to start the third. He gets called for taunting? What? That flag should've been on the Giants for throwing Lockett out of bounds. They go for it inside the Giants 25 but Zach Charbonnet can't catch a rollout pass. Eli hates the call. "I feel like that's never open." Bobby Wagner sacks Jones. Jason Myers misses left from 53. Peyton wants the Giants to play Jalin Hyatt. Jones runs have been the Giants' best plays tonight. He's got them inside the 5. How are there still two minutes left in the third quarter? WITHERSPOON WITH A PICK SIX.


The Giants could be on their way to 1-8. Look at their schedule! Eli's center, Shaun O'Hara, joins the boys to start the fourth. Jones throws a long floater right to Quadray Diggs. There's only one problem. O'Hara talking about how he's been mistaken for Jeff Saturday on multiple occasions. How many sacks is that? (It ended up being 11.)

The brothers remember Dartmouth coach Buddy Teevens, who passed away last week, as Lock comes back in to finish this off.

(Seahawks 24, Giants 3)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. San Francisco (4-0) — The machine continues to churn
2. Philadelphia (4-0) — No smooth sailing this week
3. Buffalo (3-1) — An early statement
4. Detroit (3-1) — Another early statement
BOTTOM 4:
29. New England (1-3) — Haven't looked that bad in 35 years
30. N.Y. Giants (1-3) — Shouldn't they be better than this?
31. Chicago (0-4) — Everyone's taken a step back
32. Carolina (0-4) — This was their chance!

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