Saturday, January 6, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Amateur Tip

So the leading rusher in this game was Adrian Peterson. That's... to be expected, given the parties involved. He only had 29 yards. That should be concerning to all parties involved. (Seahawks 22, Cardinals 16)

 Signal Finder: MIN @ WSH, PIT @ IND, LAC @ JAX (end),  CIN @ TEN (end), DAL @ ATL

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Great play on the interception by the Colts there, and it looks like Martavis Bryant got owned yet again. Not a great throw but he never saw it. Is that Joe Haden walking off? Nobody near Moncrief and he walks into the end zone. Touchdown Colts. Whoa, Speedway B-roll? I feel like that's not as common as it should be. Steelers not doing much offensively. Field goal is good. 10-3 Colts at the half.


The Steelers' secondary hasn't been the greatest. Safety goes the other way and it's touchdown Colts. Steelers pushing back. Touchdown Juju after a sick play fake. Extra point BLOCKED! He could go! One man to beat... and he doesn't beat him. 


Brissett pass goes through Doyle's hands and Shazier, who's tied up with Doyle, somehow intercepts it. Ben with enough time to eat a Primanti's before finding McDonald for the touchdown. Steelers go for two and Bryant(!) converts. Boswell MISSES. Steelers get it back and start making moves. I'm surprised they let Bryant come back, honestly. Brown! Boswell in position again... and it's good. (Steelers 20, Colts 17)



That's the Austin Seferian-Jenkins play again. The Bears can't do anything right. (Packers 23, Bears 16)

Bridgewater active! Also Washington's got the left side of its line back. Someone forgot to cover Ryan Grant on the crossing route. This is probably a touchdown. It's DEFINITELY a catch. Who is this dude? Oh, practice squad. Overturned and give them the points. Diggs beats Josh Norman pretty badly for a huge gain. Latavius Murray with the touchdown. Both 99 and 22 (Harrison Smith) on the Vikings have different-looking identical numerals on their jerseys. Cousins may have been hit late. Ah, helmet-to-helmet contact. Washington's going for it on 4th and 2 from the Vikings 35. Complete to Chris Thompson, and he scores easily on a better throw. Fumble? Fumble! And Kelley's hurt either way. Nah, his knee's down. Good hold by the Vikings defense and the field goal is good. #DeceptiveSpeed from Adam Thielen? Touchdown Diggs. Washington just shuffled four O-linemen in and out on three plays. Middle of the field EMPTY for Crowder. Vikings challenging the spot. They'll lose. Don't take me seriously. Washington going for it again. They're at the 4?? They get it as Samaje Perine goes to the 1. Cousins sneak. Touchdown about a minute later. Did he bobble the snap? Jesus, that was ugly. They seemingly refuse to cover Thielen, and then he makes Norman look foolish and snatches that pass for a touchdown. Then Cousins throws a not-good interception. Yep, too high. Aaand touchdown Vikings. Cousins takes a knee and it's 28-17 Vikings at halftime. Thielen AGAIN! I thought Josh Norman was good. Case Keenum is ON FIRE. Touchdown Vikings! Big play to Crowder, who follows it up with two red-zone drops. And Davis notes that that's the second time Sendejo's knocked the ball out of a WR's hands in the end zone. The Vikings look... legitimately scary. And I never thought I'd say that about a Case Keenum-quarterbacked team. Then he does that.


In no man's land again. 4th and 6 and Cousins' pass gets tipped. Another interception by Keenum! Did I jinx him? Cousins keeper is ruled a touchdown. Is it? Yeah, he's over before the ball falls out.
Vikings with a decision now. 4th and 12 from the Washington 40. Field goal time. Forbath good from 53 and it's 38-27. Now it's 4th and 1 from the Vikings' 33. The R's have ended up here a LOT today. Thompson LOSES five yards! Cousins can't take that sack. 4th and 25. Good Lord. They still have to try the field goal, but now it's a 56-yarder. It's GOOD? Oh. Onside kick fails. (Vikings 35, Redskins 30)

Saints literally running all over the Bills. Why'd they trade Marcell Dareus again? (Saints 47, Bills 10)

Wait, didn't the Jaguars take the lead? Bortles throwing into coverage. Did Hurns get hurt there? He's crawling quickly to the sideline. THEY GET BOSA FOR ROUGHING. Bortles smartly doesn't get sacked twice and the Jaguars have a chance to tie. New long snapper alert. Kick is still good. We're tied. Who does Bortles throw to these days with no Allen Robinson, no Allen Hurns, and apparently also no Marquise Lee? At least Philip Rivers has Keenan Allen. EXCEPT FOR THAT TIME.


Is this gonna end on a pick-six? Oh, no. OK. Even so. (Jaguars 20, Chargers 17, OT)

So finally, no Ezekiel Elliott. Also, no Tyron Smith today. Dez getting heated up early, and that's bad if you're a Falcons fan. Prescott sacked. Buck with the preemptive warning as we see that Dez was... look, in hockey, that's two minutes for boarding. Ryan throws an interception, which he's been doing a lot of lately. Xavier Woods? What? Freeman walking off, and that's bad if you're a Falcons fan. Play-action read-option and Prescott takes it himself. Well-designed. Ryan hitting his targets on this drive. Hooper makes a move to get a first down. Comes up short on the next one and Bryant kicks a field goal. Sean Lee's hurt again? Christ. Nice catch by Butler. Cowboys run a fake punt? OPI on the receiver. Alford MAY have sold that a little bit. That's a perfectly executed punt. No, really. Cowboys cover man was in great position and downed it right at the 2. Brief mention of Jerry Jones' dispute with Goodell's contract and Arthur Blank.


Prescott sacked again. Falcons back on the move.
Now in the red zone, where they could really use Freeman. That's too far for a dive, and Coleman does come up short. He doesn't that time, though, and it's 10-7 Falcons. Prescott doesn't get sacked and runs for a first down. Another run by Dak, who looked tired after that one. Completions to Beasley and Witten keep things going. ANOTHER sack and this time Prescott fumbles and the Falcons come up with it to go to halftime. Julio! Touchdown Falcons as Ryan was perfect on that drive. Cowboys come back with some big Morris runs. Field goal is NOT good. Hooper... does not score. This time he does. That was the same play, wasn't it? "Well, we got 18 yards last time. We can get two THIS time." There's another sack for Adrian Clayborn. Falcons are just running over the Cowboys now. SIX sacks for Clayborn. Buck is straight clowning Aikman at this point. (Falcons 27, Cowboys 7)



That Garrett Celek touchdown... oy. It's not like he's, y'know, fast.
(49ers 31, Giants 21)

Lot of glitches in this anthem performance. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL.


And the Pats score immediately on a slant to Rex Burkhead. Osweiler finds Sanders (who IS playing) for a much-needed big gain. Field goal is good. JESUS. Broncos special teams. Dude PUSHED Lewis to a touchdown. That's Devante Booker, who's the backup running back — not used to tackling people. Sanders single handedly keeping the Broncos' offense running. Another field goal. And there's Gronk. Third and goal from the 1 1/2 and you go shotgun? You deserve to get sacked. Then this happened:


And now a BLOCKED PUNT. My God. Patriots challenging this Gronkowski catch. I'm not sure I can overturn this. So that cost Belichick two time outs. Field goal is good. Sanders AGAIN. Does Thomas even play any more? Touchdown Dwayne Allen, against Von Miller, and that's... that was his FIRST catch of the season? I thought he already had one. Christ, the Colts really have robbed the Pats twice in trades. 27-9 at halftime and the Broncos just look bad.


Demaryius Thomas lives! Anderson didn't get in. And it's offensive holding anyway. Touchdown Thomas! Penalty's on the Patriots so it'll stand. Pats busy answering. What's wrong with this defense? Lewis goes right through a big hole for a touchdown. Thomas almost made a great catch over Gilmore. Wait, why did they punt there? Harris gets away with interference on Cooks. Collinsworth: "Great cornerbacks are like great magicians."
Touchdown James White. Collinsworth talking about how Osweiler told him that he felt like his fundamentals got better during his brief stop in Cleveland and he immediately gets intercepted. Pats playing in Mexico City next week, so they're staying here to practice in altitude. Brian Hoyer in. Hard to say what exactly is wrong with the Broncos. It's more than one thing. In their last four games, they've given up 51 and 41 AND been shut out. They've blown it at quarterback, obviously, but the defense has been awful the last two weeks. Thomas, who's ostensibly their No. 1 receiver, hasn't been part of the offense for about 14 games going back to last season.
Small "Brady" chant breaking out. "And it's on to Mexico." (Patriots 41, Broncos 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (8-1) — Rest in the nest
2. New England (7-2) — Not quite like clockwork, but effective nonetheless
3. Pittsburgh (7-2) — Seriously, that was way too close
4. New Orleans (7-2) — Have never run the ball like this

 BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-6) — Already playing out the string, it seems
30. San Francisco (1-9) — The first of... some?
31. N.Y. Giants (1-8) — This isn't going to get any better, is it?
32. Cleveland (0-9) — Where's the foundation?

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Thursday, December 28, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Standing Eight-Count

Loath as I am to agree with Richie Incognito on anything, these Thursday Night games are often bad and players have less recovery time, resulting in them maybe being too careful, opening themselves up to more possible injuries. What kind of ratings are these trash fires pulling, anyway? (Jets 34, Bills 21)

Signal Finder: DEN@ PHI, WSH @ SEA, KC @ DAL



Aqib Talib's a very good player. He got straight up fooled on that Jeffrey touchdown. Celek with a catch! That doesn't happen much anymore. (Also, no Ertz after all.) Elliott's kick is good. 10-3. Interception! Patrick Robinson's been really good since around Week 4.
Touchdown Clement! He chipped Von Miller and left, which is risky, but it worked. Also, good block by someone to spring him at about the 9 or so.
Good job, Brock. Right into triple coverage. You're lucky you've still got the ball. Ajayi in the house. Whoa. Broncos punt return. Is this a catch? I'd have challenged that. McManus barely makes it. He's had a tough year. After a drop, Jeffrey reaches up through a hold and hauls in a third-down pass. What is THIS mess now? Grounding? Maybe? So there's a delay of game, too. Oh, it IS Roughing the Passer. Burton! Did he break the plane? Pretty sure he did. Touchdown! Good throw by Osweiler and catch by Sanders. Solid hold by the Eagles' defense.


Welcome to Philly, Jay. Though he probably didn't need to change his angle. Call stands. Touchdown. 31-9.
You know what name I haven't heard the announcers say all game? Von Miller. Wait, how'd they get the ball back so fast? Are they gonna score again? No. 31-9 Eagles at halftime. My goodness. 
OPTIONS. Another pick from Osweiler. That was a punt. My God. McLeod with a casual 45-yard stroll of a return. Touchdown Jeffrey. 44-3. What.


And to this point: This is Joseph's first year. NONE of these guys are his guy. Bradham with a sack. Thomas picks up a 4th and 7 to force first and goal. Jamaal Charles gets nothing. That touchdown by Thomas breaks a 13-game personal drought for him (!). Foles in at QB. He'd be the Broncos' best guy. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. 44-23 now. Bomb to Agholor, who the refs rule outfought Chris Harris for it. Broncos challenge for no real reason. Three touchdowns for Corey Clement. "Fiftyburger?"
Smallwood's fist carry comes with less than three minutes left and goes for 28 yards. He may not have been active if Ertz was available. Why are you calling time out, Broncos? Haven't you suffered enough? (Eagles 51, Broncos 23)

Are... are the Saints good again?


This, too. (Saints 30, Buccaneers 3)

With DRC and now Jenkins suspended, the Giants have no cornerbacks, either.


And it was a SCREEN PASS. The Giants are Actually Bad.
I said when they let Coughlin go two years ago that that was the time to clean house. It looks like I was right. (Rams 51, Giants 17)



No idea how Ramsey gets tossed, too. None whatsoever. (Jaguars 23, Bengals 7)

No Earl Thomas for the Seahawks. Rob Kelley returning the kickoff? Three Seahawks had a chance at that. Is that snow? Or just big raindrops? Partial block on the punt? Yep. Wilson drops the snap. Duane Brown already starting for the Seahawks. Wow it's loud. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. That's a bad job by Perine and the Seahawks recover the fumble. That's Washington's 10th this season. Dude's name is Nasir Jones? SAFETY. Blair Walsh sucks, man.


Seahawks defense flying around like it's possessed. Wilson makes a risky throw and it's intercepted by Kendall Fuller, who I'm not sure thought he had it at first. Ball never hits the ground. He should be down by contact, though. Vernon Davis has been in the league 12 years? Touchdown Kelley. Wilson's made some not-great throwing decisions this half. But some quick work there to spike the ball for a field goal try. Blair. Walsh. Again.

7-2 Nationals after five. Cousins with a dart to Ryan Grant, who extends nicely to haul it in. I'll point out now, even though it was brought up earlier, that Washington's entire left side of its offensive line is gone. THIS field goal is good. 10-2. This flag miiight get picked up. And it does — refs rule the hit on Wilson was inbounds. Washington also getting inside pressure on Wilson as this montage shows. Interception! And that was also caused by pressure on Wilson, who lobbed that right to Will Compton.
Another bad throw by Wilson. I agree with Davis: The Seahawks need to stop going for the big play. On cue, they throw short and get a first down. Touchdown. Seahawks go for two and it's intercepted. He COULD go. Swearinger laterals to Norman, who ends up lateraling back to him and this will end at the 25. 


Touchdown Baldwin! Are the Seahawks about to win this shitty game? Graham drops the two-point conversion. Replay shows Baldwin juked Josh Norman and then nobody else bothered to turn around. Freeney's a Seahawk now? THAT DOCTSON CATCH THOUGH. Looking at this as many times as we have, he's down at the 1. And the Seahawks are down two defensive tackles (Sheldon Richardson didn't even play today). Touchdown Kelley!
They called Wilson down there? Oh. So it wasn't an incompletion. Washington calls time out — to make sure they've got their guys ready, as Davis just said.
Here's how bad the Seahawks O-line still is: Wilson almost got sacked by a one-man rush. Hail Mary! NO. That was close. I'll tell you something for free, Skins fans: The pen was out. (Redskins 17, Seahawks 14)

That's a funky shot of the sun coming into Jerryworld. As if on cue, we get Brice Butler dropping a pass because he closed his hands early and didn't see it. Cowboys hit two big passes in a row and are inside the Chiefs' 10. Prescott then throws the next one away into the Rangers' stadium. THEN he almost gets tripped from behind and still walks into the end zone. That's a late hit. Romo thinks the Chiefs should sit on this, and I suspect after an amazing delay of game penalty, they just might. HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?!?! TOUCHDOWN CHIEFS. Fucking Scandrick gets toasted again. Hill ran right by him on what looked like a downfield screen.


Romo can't even right now. Damn, Tracy. How you gonna interview Garrett right after that? 14-10 Cowboys at the break. There's Kareem Hunt. Chiefs finish off the drive with a touchdown to Kelce.
Byron Jones having a rough last 20 minutes in real time. Was... was that a sack race? Touchdown Elliott after a solid drive. That's the first interception Alex Smith's thrown this year. The Chiefs may not get the ball back. (Cowboys 28, Chiefs 17)




Cutler back. Contain your excitement. Also, I had no idea this was the Sunday night game until, like, yesterday. Jared Cook already with two crucial catches. Dolphins go on offense and the announcers immediately reference Ajayi's departure. Al name-checks Burkhardt! Cena's theme used in a Camry commercial. Dolphins driving. Collinsworth noting that their center and tackles are far better in pass protection. Nice move and dive from Damian Williams for the touchdown. ONSIDE KICK! That's the call of a desperate man. I like it.
FUMBLE. Back to back flags. Maybe you weren't meant to get that promo off. The Raiders turned 1st and 25 into a first down. Touchdown! That's a great adjustment by Holton to go after that pass. It's never comfortable when Al and Cris especially talk about the peripheral stuff. Parkey field goal makes it 10-9. Raiders trying to make a late run here. This'll be from 53. Good. Wait, Julius Thomas is a Dolphin? Did I miss that or just forget it? Lynch! That wasn't Beast Mode but it's still a touchdown.


Drake with a big run. (Not THAT Drake.) Touchdown Landry and he does a little Michael Jackson afterwards. Carr fumbles, then an offensive lineman picks it up and HE fumbles, and it's Dolphins ball. Suh is being helped off. Big Williams run gets negated by a penalty. Drive stalls and Suh is back out with the Dolphins' defense. Cooper having a rough year with drops. Yeah, that hit the ground. 
The only thing Mack didn't get there was the actual sack. Weird schedule for the Dolphins: Pats twice in three weeks, then the Bills twice in the next three. Carr finds an open Roberts for 29 yards and they pick up another third down, and that's big with under 5 minutes left. (Also, usually it's the Raiders who would commit a 15-yard penalty on top of a big play like that.) Lynch slips through a hole for a touchdown and that should do it. Dolphins facing 4th and 9 with 3:06 left and they have to go for it. They get it, but a penalty wipes it out and they don't get it the second time. Super Bowl XXIII here was Collinsworth's last game? Huh. Also Elway won one here, as did Peyton. Interception? Interception! They're reviewing this Parker play. That's a catch, and a hell of one. Review says it's a catch. Touchdown Thomas! Gase isn't happy about having to call this time out, but you gotta get this right. Kenyon Drake bulls his way in for two. It's a three-point game! Onside kick time.


Collinsworth notes that the Raiders have already seen one, and is wondering what the Dolphins have cooked here. Time out Raiders AFTER figuring out what the Dolphins were doing. This one... won't work. (Raiders 27, Dolphins 24)

Let's just say this: If the Lions can't win in Lambeau tonight, it'll never happen again. Oh, they did it two years ago? What? Oh man. I take it back. Still, though. (Lions 30, Packers 17)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (8-1) — I still can't believe that happened
2. New England (6-2) — Same as it ever was...
3. Pittsburgh (6-2) — Where'd THEY come from?
4. New Orleans (6-2) — Seriously, are they?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (2-6) — This isn't fun
30. N.Y. Giants (1-7) — An utter embarrassment
31. Cleveland (0-8) — Can't lose if you don't play
32. San Francisco (0-9) — WE WANT JIMMY


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Saturday, December 16, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Chaos Engines




Oh, Kiko. All of your worst plays are so soul-crushing. And when the Baltimore Ravens are accusing you of throwing a cheap shot... you threw a cheap shot. (Ravens 40, Dolphins 0)

Signal Finder: SF @ PHI, HOU @ SEA, CHI @ NO (end), DAL @ WSH

Big V at left tackle for Peters, while Johnson stays on the right side. The 49ers learned: Keep coming after Wentz. Elvis Dumervil lives?


Wentz is pressured and overthrows Jeffrey and the Eagles are forced to settle for three. Kick is good. 


Not the greatest punt. Eagles defense holds as it has all game. Why is Bedlam so early this year? 49ers have pinned the Eagles deep with punts twice now. Both defenses playing well. LIKE SO. Robinson with the hit to deflect the ball and McLeod picks it. The Roots with the Late Night With Jimmy Fallon theme song into break. Meanwhile, the 49ers are on their third right tackle. I'm pretty sure Charles Davis hasn't watched a second of "The Gifted." Something just went wrong in the truck for six seconds. Hollins 8 for 8 on targets this season? Sweet. Big pass interference call on 3rd and 15 sets up the Eagles at the 1. Is someone carrying their shoe? (It was Wisniewski.) Touchdown Ertz and Trout gets the ball.
Extra point is NO good. Not a great hold. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Beathard throws it right to Mills, who cuts across the field and eventually scores. Joe Staley down for the Niners. Eagles go for two and a wide-open Jeffrey cashes in.
Bradham may have gotten away with a late hit on Garcon, who crashed into some Eagles coaches or something. 
The Eagles' pass protection has been lacking today without Peters. Elliott good from 51. Raining harder now. Shovel pass gets the 49ers into the end zone. Big run by Clement. Then Jeffrey makes a strong catch on the sideline and powers through for the touchdown. THAT was quick. Reminded me of the Chip Kelly salad days. Niners driving. Cox dropped a pick after Hyde dropped the pass. Field goal is BLOCKED! Barnett playing big lately — two sacks last week and then that. So many rollouts. A better throw there and Ertz is still running. Blount does what Blount does — bulls his way for yards. Touchdown Blount. Another missed PAT.


That... may be a face mask? Beathard just throwing balls away now. Is it still a sad field goal if you have points already? Nick Foles sighting! (Eagles 33, 49ers 10)

And we arrive at this mistake-laden exhibition with Trubisky throwing a rookie-esque pick. On second look, that's on the receiver. And now there's a dustup. The Saints have won five in a row. And they've done it with defense, of all things. (Saints 20, Bears 12)



Fuller just blew up the Seahawks. Touchdown. He has nine catches and SIX touchdowns. Thomas bit on the play action and very few men in this league are recovering in time to run Fuller down. 
EARL'S REVENGE! 7-7 just like that.


Touchdown Miller.
Wilson scrambled and finds Richardson in the end zone. Watson with a nice scramble. Hopkins is straight-up beasting today. Touchdown Texans. That's a ridiculous concentration by McEvoy to catch that with a guy chasing him, a guy closing in on him, and a teammate way too close to him. Touchdown Richardson, and yet I believe a high-scoring game favors the Texans. Good traffic direction and patience by Watson gets him the first down on that run. Intercepted by Sherman. Clowney's having a GAME. I can't keep up. This is nuts. Thank God the Seahawks are slowing things down with chip-shot field goals that even Blair Walsh can't botch. Touchdown Miller!


Hopkins AGAIN. These two defenses have given up way too many big plays. Wait, did the Richardson touchdown not count? JIMMY GRAHAM LIVES. 


I need oxygen. (Seahawks 41, Texans 38)

Elliott coughs one up. Redskins in their bad burgundy uniforms with the copper numerals. Aikman suspects they'd be going for it with a healthy offensive line, which they don't have. Field goal is good. At no point did Terrence Williams consider turning upfield. Elliott walks into the end zone. He could have gone in backwards for all the resistance he faced. Crowder! Kelley denied the first time but not the second. Cowboys going for it on 4th and a long 1 near midfield, and you should if you've got that dude running the ball. Dez screen for a first down gets wiped out by a flag on Witten. This dude ain't Dan Bailey, that's for damn sure. Kerrigan on the sideline bike? Ah, a groin injury. We have two replacement kickers in this game, I'm realizing. 13-7 Washington. CLUTCH hold by Tress Way.


BLOCKED FIELD GOAL. Scandrick? Another touchdown for Elliott. 
Cousins coughs it up. Was that punched out from behind? Anyway it's Cowboys ball. "This dude" is Mike Nugent? I missed that the first time. And it looks like he's going to do the rest of the scoring in this game. Like, all of it.


And then he throws a pick-6. Nice work, everyone involved. (Cowboys 33, Redskins 19)

Dodgers 3, Steelers 3, Lions 3. That's a nice interception by Glover Quin, who's very good and not a lot of people know it. Well that went nowhere. Abdullah with a Barry Sanders-esque move.
Big-time catch by Marvin Jones Jr. And after a Lions field goal, Brown comes up with another great catch at the other end of the field. Touchdown Bell. Darius Slay almost made a spectacular interception. Like, it would have been better than Quin's. Brown then converts 3rd and 12 on the next play. Bell FUMBLES and the Steelers won't get points here. This is... a catch? Yeah, it's a catch. That's a good throw by Stafford down the sideline and now the Lions have a chance to go ahead here before halftime. That was a chance but the safety made a great play to break it up. Field goal is good and the Lions lead 12-10 at halftime. Rough hit on Road Dogg by Diggs, who gets flagged for it. Then a Brown touchdown gets called back. Then Diggs lights Brown UP on a third down. Steelers kick a field goal anyway to go ahead. Stafford gets away from T.J. Watt and runs for a first down. Lions go for it on 4th and goal from the 2... and get nothing as no one is open and Stafford gets taken down. Barry Sanders in the booth. Smith-Schuster finds a seam. He might go. HE'S GOING. 97 YARDS.


Kid's not even 21 yet. Lions come back with a good drive that stalls inside the Steelers' 5. Gun-shy, Caldwell sends out the field goal unit. Kick is good.
Tate fumbles and the Steelers recover. Someone lost track of Eric Ebron and he was wide open for big yardage. Oh, that's why they didn't run the ball earlier. Because it didn't work. Now they have to go for it, right? Fourth and 7, Stafford is pressured and throws incomplete. First down Steelers and this one's over. Somebody just got thrown out. (Steelers 20, Lions 15)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (7-1) — Well, we've already cleared the expectations bar
2. Kansas City (6-2) — Return to form
3. New England (6-2) — Same as it ever was...
4. Pittsburgh (6-2) — Where'd THEY come from?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Indianapolis (2-6) — Gut-wrenching
30. N.Y. Giants (1-6) — Can't lose if you don't play
31. Cleveland (0-8) — What are we doing any more?
32. San Francisco (0-8) — It's bad in person. But maybe not AS bad?

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Thursday, December 7, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: The Low Road

This is the game that never ends... Oh, wait. You'd expect the Raiders to be the team to lose a game after committing two penalties on the final play. It's an insane world. (Raiders 31, Chiefs 30)

Signal Finder: CAR @ CHI, TEN@ CLE (end), DAL @ SF, CIN@ PIT



NOT ANYMORE. Johnny Bellefield: "When Cutler went down y'all celebrated like it was the end of Episode 6." Well, yes. (Dolphins 31, Jets 28)

Oh, they're in London. Because when I saw a Rams home game with a 1 p.m. start, I was like "There is no way in hell they're doing a 10 a.m. kickoff in L.A." (Because the Chargers are also home.)


Yeah... we may have seen the end of Carson Palmer. (Rams 33, Cardinals 0)

So much crossflexing. So. Much. The Kalil brothers! Carolina has a fullback? How do you just give Cam that much open field? Fumble on the pitch? Dude just dropped it. WOW! Touchdown Bears! Hey, the Bears offense is on the field finally. Who are their wide receivers these days? Oh, Kendall Wright? OK. That didn't go well. Third sack for the Bears already as the announcers talk about how the Panthers haven't run the ball well. Field goal is... not good. Replay shows it was slightly tipped. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Is that the same guy? It is! His name's Eddie Jackson. He just juked Cam and that's his second 75-yard touchdown in this game. They made it 76? Oh, OK. Also, Prince Amukamara is here, too. That third-down pass is off and the Panthers have to settle for a field goal. Trubisky DEEP to Cohen! First and goal. Jordan Howard bulldozing his way... to the 1. What's with the elevated goal line angle? That's not gonna show you anything. Yeah, he's short. Then he gets stuffed on 2nd down. Trubisky rolls out on 3rd and... makes it? I thought he dove too soon. AND HE DID. This shouldn't count and won't. No way Fox calls a fake here. Field goal is good.


Panthers need to pick up the pace. That's a good catch by Benjamin. Are they gonna get this ball spiked? Nope.


17-3 Bears at the half. This "Bird and the Beard" thing is getting old, guys. Fouts calls the OPI on Benjamin. Did Samuel stay inbounds there? He did! Good footwork, rook. So many penalties. 
Panthers short on time. And that interception by Trevathan may have just ended this game. Newton threw it right to him and I have no idea why. He's getting killed out there. I can't understate just how boring this second half has been.


Scratch that. Apparently I can. (Bears 17, Panthers 3)

Hot take: The Browns should have just kept Brock Osweiler. None of these kids are ready to be an NFL starting quarterback, and Osweiler could have been a sacrificial lamb while they sat and maybe learned something, if only what not to do. Poor Joe Thomas. How did the Giants not make a Godfather offer for him the last two seasons? We come in just as the Browns tie it with a 54-yard field goal. How was this kick not blocked? Deshone Kizer's been benched again, this time for Cody Kessler.



Mariota misfires on 3rd down and the Titans kick it away. Kessler kneels and the Browns will go to overtime. So that was... what? A quick kick on 4th down? Beats a 56-yarder, I guess? Browns get the ball back. Now it's Titans ball. They're in Browns territory again. Hue ices Succop as he misses, giving him another chance. That's such a Browns way to lose. (Titans 12, Browns 9, OT)


It's not common for us to get a 4 o'clock FOX game on a CBS doubleheader Sunday, especially when it's not the Eagles. Also, this matchup would normally anchor a FOX doubleheader, so it's triply weird. The 49ers are also bad. Touchdown Elliott, who got suspended and un-suspended again last week. C.J. Beathard is starting an NFL game. I saw this dude at Iowa and never thought I'd see this. He's former NFL GM Bobby Beathard's grandson, I believe. Terrible punt. Cowboys get a break when Prescott's grounding gets offset. Touchdown Elliott. Beathard running? Touchdown Witten. Wait, why is Jeff Heath —  a starting safety — kicking off? Also it's 20-3 instead of 21-3, so I'm wondering if something happened to Dan Bailey. Turnover. Cowboys ball with 36 seconds left and the 49ers lose a scoring chance. Good Lord. Elliott just outran the entire city of Santa Clara on that touchdown. Oh, Bailey is hurt. Heath's gonna kick the PAT? CLANG. It's GOOD. Another 49er injured. That's at least five. Prescott with the play-action draw for another touchdown. Troy points out that the guy (Eric Reid) spying Prescott was blocked, allowing him to walk into the end zone. And there's another turnover. Sick touchdown catch by Bryant. (Cowboys 40, 49ers 10)

It's the Bell and Brown show, just like old times. Touchdown Steelers as Brown beats that poor Bengals cornerback.


Green just activated his Inspector Gadget arms to pull that one in. The Bengals are challenging this backward pass ruling and it looks like they'll win it, getting 10 yards back. Nice run by Mixon. Dalton guns it to LaFell (!) for a touchdown. Touchdown Steelers as Juju Smith-Schuster sets the Bengals on fire. Bengals going for 4th and goal. Touchdown! Tight end was wide open and Dalton found him. That's a penalty. Was that catchable, though? Now Tomlin's saying he already called time out but he's not going to get it. Boswell on to kick, then. Good. 20-14 at the half. Joe Haden just pulled a pass off of Green's back for an interception. Another field goal follows. 26-14. That's the second straight Bengals drive to end with a pick. A FAKE PUNT. Wow. Somehow Burfict didn't kill anyone after that. (Steelers 29, Bengals 14)

Justin Timberlake got the Super Bowl halftime show, which should remind you that he somehow came out of the Janet Jackson thing unscathed. (And, indeed, that it's called "the Janet Jackson thing.") Foggy in Foxboro? Or smoke from pyro? ALWAYS COVER GRONK. Could've used that 12th guy on the last play, Falcons. Let's reset the first down markers. Belichick's all, "The fuck?" Gronk with a big catch in traffic — but it gets called back for offensive pass interference.
Fourth and 7 from midfield in the first quarter? Really, Falcons? Holy crap, Ryan had to bootleg out and he got the first down anyway! Kick is BLOCKED. "It's the same score at the end of the first quarter in the Super Bowl." Don't do this, Al. I like to think the State Farm commercial with the damaged truck is how Aaron Rodgers actually spent his summer.


Brady directs traffic and leads Robert Alford right to where his throw goes, but Brady got roughed, so it won't count. Brady just flipped that to Cooks, who gets behind Gronk and scores. Gronk with another clutch catch. Good defense in the end zone forces the Pats to kick a field goal. This appears to be the James White drive. And it ends with him in the end zone. This is fog. And it's a lot worse now than it was in the first half.
Falcons get the second-half kickoff. That Freeman run is their first big play tonight, I think. Two end zone overthrows for Ryan and it's fourth down. Bryant MISSES! Jeez.
Brady finds Hogan to get into the red zone. Field goal makes it 20-0. Collinsworth recaps that one drive in the Super Bowl that killed the Falcons. You can't overemphasize how terrible Ryan taking that sack was, but he points out that Freeman losing yards on the first down run caused that. More Freeman. Falcons going for it because, at this point, why not. DENIED. They lost five yards.

There's still nine minutes left? Jones ripped that right out of Butler's hands to bust up the shutout. That Belichick sign, though. Man, this was a bad day of games. (Patriots 23, Falcons 7)

Three. Straight. Touchdowns. It's nice to officially be better than the Redskins again. (Eagles 34, Redskins 24)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (6-1) — That's how you break a hold
2. Kansas City (5-2) — Or Groundhog Day, possibly
3. New England (5-2) — Same as it ever was...
4. New Orleans (5-2) — Hmmm...

BOTTOM 4:
29. Indianapolis (2-5) — Shut out by the Jaguars? Really?
30. N.Y. Giants (1-6) — And to think, they scored first this week
31. Cleveland (0-7) — Has anyone seen Brian Sipe? Anyone?
32. San Francisco (0-7) — Kind of embarrassing


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Thursday, November 23, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Drop Down, Drop Out

Schedule's weird this season. Didn't get to see this but caught some of the replay and highlights. (Going for two after a defensive penalty on the extra point? GANGSTA.) And what I'm wondering, besides this, which is related to it:


I'm not sure, even on a short week, how you don't figure out that the best way to attack the Eagles deep is probably still to test the corners on the outside. Don't go down the middle of the field where the safeties can come in and give help. Make them stay with your outside receivers. Fifty is a lot. I mean, Stewart looks washed, and McCaffrey's not running between the tackles as effectively as he did in college. But still. Cam's fine, by the way. Although after the game he was dressed like he'd joined The Time. (Eagles 28, Panthers 23)

Signal Finder: GB @ MIN, NE @ NYJ, SF @ WSH (end), PIT @ KC



Seriously, what is happening in Chicago? (I know what's happening in Baltimore: Joe Flacco isn't good any more.) (Bears 27, Ravens 24, OT)

It's that time of year when we rediscover how shallow Fox's play-by-play roster is. Designed runs for Case Keenum. What are we doing anymore? No Montgomery this week. Rodgers takes a hit after Bennett drops a pass and he's down. He comes off and Brett Hundley(?) is in. He's on the cart? Oh, that is a DEVELOPMENT. Nice rolling catch by Thielen. Big pass play to McKinnon but it's coming back. This one WILL count. Touchdown Vikings. Safety blitz gets to Hundley. What's with Fox's off-brand start times for college games? Not a good punt. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Clay with a huge return. Speed up! Packers needed that. Hundley to Adams for a touchdown. "Jungle Love"? Nice job, Fox. They're reviewing this Rudolph catch? OVERTURNED. I'm actually stunned McCarthy challenged that in the first place. Rudolph caught that one. Touchdown McKinnon.
Intercepted by Randall. Yeah, no way Keenum saw Martinez, who deflected it. Montgomery(!) destroys the coverage but drops a touchdown pass. Crosby with the field goal. Vikings driving. Martinez has been active today for the Packers. Treadwell's mad but that's an illegal blindside block. First and 40! This last 55 seconds is gonna take two hours. What are they doing with all three of their time outs and just standing around? Packers confirming nothing on Rodgers, which is... concerning. And the guy who put him out, Anthony Barr, is out with a concussion. McKinnon didn't catch that. The VIKINGS called time out? That's a waste because the Packers are sure to challenge this now. They DIDN'T? Jesus Christ, McCarthy. This is why you suck. Packers hold and the Vikings' field goal is good.


Oh. Well. What are the Packers doing now? Are they gonna snap this punt? Nelson's under center? This was a really elaborate attempt to draw the Vikings offside that wasn't actually necessary (because it wasn't going to work). Treadwell's started off on the bad part of the Cordarrelle Patterson career arc so far. The Vikings could really use him to start getting good.


Hundley with the interception, his first actual mistake. That looks good. Teddy Bridgewater talk now. He might come back this season? (Vikings 23, Packers 10)

Jeremy Kerley's back with the Jets? That's a great catch. Maybe try the left side. McCown gives up, passes, and that's touchdown Jets. Gronk's left arm's been replaced with a cannon. Fumble? FUMBLE. Jets ball! McCown chose the Jets over joining the Browns' coaching staff and that actually may have been the right choice.


Holy hell, Kerley again! Touchdown Jets and it's 14-0. That's a late hit on the Patriots. It's NOT? Refs say it was a hit to the chest. It was still late. Morris Claiborne's on the Jets? Are they desperate? I'm not gonna say Skrine should have picked that off, but he could have. That's pass interference. Touchdown Patriots. I think. Yes. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Terrible play call on 3rd and 2. Rolling McCown out? Seriously? That's a good job by 58 to save that touchdown. No idea why the Panthers traded Kony Ealy. Even less of an idea why the Patriots cut him. Gostkowski MISSES. He's losing it. Then McCown throws an interception to Butler, who played it perfectly. Did Cooks stay inbounds? Wow! He's had a lot of those kind of catches this year. Touchdown Gronk and we're tied because they're still the Jets. Gronk runs through the coverage and the Patriots take the lead. McCown running? That's their second time out already? Jeez. The Jets just got hosed, guys. I mean, I don't know. He never LOST the ball.


Consensus on this question seemed to be "offense gets the ball at the point where it was fumbled", which seems... OK? I just have a problem with the defense getting the ball in that situation without actually having to recover it. That's a free rush by the DB and McCown was lucky to get away. Fouts just called the Seferian-Jenkins play "one of the worst calls I've ever seen." Jets driving? Nnnnnnope. (Patriots 24, Jets 17)

C.J. Beathard? Really, 49ers? Good Lord, Hopkins botched that extra point. Booth reviewing this Garcon play on the sideline. It's a catch, reversing the call on the field. I thought Beathard dropped that snap. Offensive PI on Garcon? Oh, that's a killer. SNAP THE BALL. Why did the Redskins call time out? That helps the 49ers. Beathard has to know he has to throw it to the sideline. Interception!


(Redskins 26, 49ers 24)



We're going to be having this discussion for YEARS. (Texans 33, Browns 17)

BAD SNAP SAFETY. Steelers DBs clapping like they had something to do with it. LOL. SPECIAL TEAMS. Chiefs ball! What was ALL of that? Lord. Field goal is good and it's 3-2. Steelers leaning on the running game more than they have been. Bell is so patient. Touchdown. So speed-bagging the goal stanchion is illegal. Got it. It's amazing that Cam Erving's still in the league. He's legitimately terrible. What happened on that interception? Wrong route? That ball went right to Peters. That's a good punt. OHHHH. This is CLOSE. Steelers challenge. Call stands; Steelers ball at the 1. Whoa. Good route by Vance McDonald to get out of there. So Dupree left his feet to hit Alex Smith, who intentionally grounded the ball to avoid it. OK. Have I not mentioned the Chiefs offense at all this half? They have SIX YARDS. I didn't even realize that.


Big catch-and-run by Hunt for the first big Chiefs play of the game. THERE it is. DeAnthony Thomas with a 57-yard touchdown. This is Bell's best game this year by far. I... what? WHAT?? Forget how Brown caught it for a moment. How was that not picked off TWICE??


(Steelers 19, Chiefs 13)



REVERSE JINX. (Chargers 17, Raiders 16)



Guys, the Giants might not score 100 points the rest of the season. THE ENTIRE SEASON. Roger Lewis and Tavarres King are the G-Men's starting wide receivers. Pugh's at right tackle now? The Broncos have a surprisingly high amount of Kansas players on that defense. We were also robbed of a meeting of the two Brandon Marshalls. Two big plays from Evan Engram already. Wait, it's first and goal? Broncos defense tightens up and Eli gets sacked. Muff? Hmmm. Did he fair catch this? Apparently, since the refs called fair catch interference. Never heard DRC described as "great". Nice move by Sanders after that catch. McManus shanks the field goal attempt. Badly. That's his fourth miss at home this year, says Al. Darkwa finds a big hole for a big gain. Touchdown... Giants?
This a fumble? Nope, down by contact, refs say. That IS an interception. Did Thomas not see it? Good job by the Broncos to hold on there. Nice catch by Thomas. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Touchdown Giants! A bad decision by Siemian and Jenkins makes him pay with a pick-six. OSWEILER LIVES?!?!? Siemian being taken to the locker room.


He'll be OK to start the second half, we're told. Wait, what, Al? "The Giants are having a worse week than Harvey Weinstein."


Oh, that's not good for Sanders. He's being helped off. And the Broncos have already lost Thomas for the moment. Are the Giants spreading their curse? Is this that movie "Fallen"?


This Broncos punt returner is struggling. And now he's hurt. He's being taken off on a cart. There's still 10 minutes left? And Thomas is back in and just drew a pass interference penalty. Gotta go for it. NOPE. Joseph challenges because why not. I can't overturn this. Yep. Call stands. Turnover on downs. Darkwa blasts through a hole for 20 yards.


Fumble? Nah, he's down. They'll reverse this. Yep. Touchdown Broncos. That was a lot of words to say "This was a trap game," Al. I did NOT see this coming. (Giants 23, Broncos 10)


Hey, the Titans won a game people actually saw. (Titans 36, Colts 22)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Kansas City (5-1) — A familiar roadblock made of steel
2. Philadelphia (5-1) — That was unexpectedly easy
3. Carolina (4-2) — There are no great teams this year
4. New England (4-2) — Same as it ever was...

BOTTOM 4:
29. Indianapolis (2-4) — An underreported disaster
30. N.Y. Giants (1-5) — Still bad
31. Cleveland (0-6) — Well, that was SO much more effective
32. San Francisco (0-6) — So close. OK, not really
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Thursday, November 9, 2017

This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race

So three weeks ago, ESPN's Bomani Jones made this observation:









I thought 11 seemed high. Then I thought about it some more. Let's dive into this, shall we? (These aren't in any kind of order except the one I thought of them in.)

1. N.Y. Giants.  Eli will be 37 four days after the season ends. The Giants are 1-7 with two decent offensive linemen, no running backs, and no linebackers. They did draft Davis Webb in the third round this year, but unless they put him in and the Dak Prescott lightning bolt strikes again, looking for a higher-caliber long-term solution may be the best play.

2. Arizona. I'm mildly surprised they didn't grab one this year. They were rumored to be interested in Patrick Mahomes, but the Chiefs jumped up and grabbed him, taking them off this list. And with Carson Palmer (who'll be 38 at season's end) now done for the year with a broken arm, well...

 3. San Francisco. Saved a little money by letting Colin Kaepernick walk instead of releasing him, signed Brian Hoyer and Matt Barkley, then traded for the Patriots' Jimmy Garoppolo just before the deadline. Not the most inspiring set of moves.

4. Jacksonville. Blake Bortles ended up being better than Blaine Gabbert, but he's still bad. We know what Chad Henne is, and that's a career backup. But could they be gun-shy after missing twice on high draft picks?

5. Cleveland. Look, brass tacks here: Deshone Kizer isn't ready. Neither is Kevin Hogan. Or Cody Kessler, who may actually be their best option. Their biggest problem at this present time seems to be committing to a guy, and they don't have a lot invested in these three. If they did have a major investment in someone, that might change.

 6. Minnesota. This may seem like a surprising one, but they don't have a single quarterback under contract for next season. Sam Bradford's mediocre when he's healthy, and he's never healthy. Case Keenum can't keep this up. And who knows what, if anything, they'll ever get out of Teddy Bridgewater, who's reportedly close to coming back from that horrific leg injury he suffered last season.

7. N.Y. Jets. Josh McCown is 38. Neither Bryce Petty or Christian Hackenberg were good enough to supplant him this season. The Jets let all of their few good players leave in an obvious attempt to tank for a top quarterback prospect and are a surprising 4-5. They may not get what they want.

8. L.A. Chargers. (God, I'll never get used to that.) Philip Rivers is 35 and really doesn't want to be in Los Angeles, to the point that there were rumors that he had threatened to retire if the franchise moved. Well, he hasn't -- yet -- but the Chargers might want to think about finding a star to groom to get some people into their soccer stadium.

 9. Denver. Man, John Elway has low-key completely botched this. He was ready to overpay Brock Osweiler but the Texans turned out to be even crazier. Their first-round pick two years ago, Paxton Lynch, couldn't beat out a seventh-rounder in an open competition two years in a row, and now he's hurt. They brought Osweiler back and he hasn't been any better. And one more thing: Vance Joseph, the head coach, is in his first year. He has no attachment to any of these guys.

10. Pittsburgh. Ben Roethlisberger is 35 with the aches and pains of a man twice that age. Landry Jones, arguably the second-best quarterback in the God-awful 2013 class, still doesn't project as a starter. And this is the franchise that passed up a chance to have Dan Marino succeed Terry Bradshaw. The Steelers might want to get in on the ground floor for a new guy.

11. Washington. Kirk Cousins is an impending free agent after having been hit with the franchise tag for two straight seasons. Neither side has shown any inclination to discuss a long-term deal. Colt McCoy's their only other quarterback, and his deal runs out next year. If Cousins leaves, they'll need a guy.

12. Buffalo. Mostly because they seem hell-bent on dumping Tyrod Taylor, who's only helped them get to 5-3 while seemingly having to break in a new wide receiver every week.

That's already 12, as you can see. I could also make a case for the Ravens (Flacco's regression has to be concerning), Saints (Brees is 38), and maaaaaybe even the Dolphins (is Tannehill really the answer?) That brings you to 15, which is almost half the league. No wonder ratings are down.

Caveat: Whatever number you come up with, you're going to have to subtract two, because somebody's going to give Cousins too much money, and somebody else is going to give Garoppolo way too much money. (The 49ers trading for him doesn't change that; it just makes it more likely that they'll be the ones to do it.)

Now we come to the bigger problem: Numbers. Assume we're holding at 10 (12-2). Ten quarterbacks were drafted this year; four in the first two rounds. Last year, 15 quarterbacks were drafted; four in the first two rounds. In 2015, only seven were drafted; two in the first round. In 2014, 14 were drafted; five in the first two rounds. 2013, 11 and two. 2012, 11 and five(!).

That's... not enough quarterbacks even if they were to all pan out, and of the 68 quarterbacks drafted in the last five years, 22 aren't in the league. Some are going to draft guys who bust out. Some are going to throw money at mediocrity when they figure this out. And some teams are gonna have to wait until next year.

And they may not be able to afford to.

Desperate moves are coming.

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Sunday, November 5, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Wounded Exits

I mean... short week, coming off a loss, on the road, no Gronk... the Pats could absolutely lose this.


Or not. This is why you don't trade up for kickers. Because they flame out, and then you're forced into making even more bad decisions to cover for that one. Bucs somehow still cover. (Patriots 19, Buccaneers 14)

Signal Finder: AZ @ PHI, CAR @ DET (end), BAL @ OAK, GB @ DAL

Tarp was on this morning. Getting paired with Chris Myers seems like a demotion for Moose. Crowd goes nuts for a neutral zone infraction on the Cardinals. Ertz moving the chains. Jeffrey takes a hit and gets another first down. Are his feet down? Touchdown Burton!


That's two good punt returns by Barner, and some bad tackling on both of them by the Cardinals. Eagles seem to love the middle of the field. Touchdown Ertz. Patrick Robinson just dropped a possible pick-six (and Palmer shouldn't have thrown that pass in the first place.) Andy Lee's still playing? Torrey Smith caught one! Touchdown! This is wild.


Mike Trout in the house, as per usual. That's the second one Robinson's almost gotten, though this one was more difficult. Cardinals finally look like they've woken up. I know I've talked about this before but the Cardinals have an unusual amount of wide receivers named Brown. Touchdown... John? John. Yes.


Cardinals may have jumped offsides and gotten away with it. Zone read fake by Wentz fools the camera man but not the Cardinals. Hassan Reddick in the house. Possibly his actual house, as he is from Camden. Then he trips Wentz and stops him from getting a first down. Wentz escaping disaster. Interception and Wentz can't believe it. Pretty impressive that Antoine Bethea can still make a play like that at his age. By calling it an interception, they can automatically review it, too. Stands. Man, both Douglas and — Jaron? Yes, Jaron — Brown misplayed that one. Gotta call time out immediately after that catch, Cardinals. New long snapper? NEW new long snapper. Was that blocked? Snap was fine; not sure what Moose is talking about. 21-7 Eagles at the half.
Wentz with a poor throw on third down to somewhere in Ertz's vicinity and the Eagles settle for three. Quiet game from Fitzgerald so far, who's owned the Eagles for years. Not a lot of guys having good games for the Cardinals but Chandler Jones is one of them. Agholor? AGHOLOR! Put like two moves on the guy and scored. Patrick Peterson mad on the sideline. I'd actually forgotten that the Cardinals don't have David Johnson until Myers just mentioned it again. Now it's Mills's turn to drop an interception. Oh, it was knocked away. Where was that pass even going? Agholor's career-high receiving yards is 93? And he did it today? That's how bad he was his first two years. Cheesesteak B-roll!


(Eagles 34, Cardinals 7)



The Giants are running out of receivers. They lost Shepard and Marshall on the same drive. Oh, that looked bad. That looked really bad.


The Giants have run out of wide receivers. I've never seen this. (Chargers 27, Giants 22)

Cam said some stupid things this week. But and, he looks like he's getting healthier and closer to his old self. Daniel Fells? Really? Three-point game. Clutch catch by Benjamin to seal it. (Panthers 27, Lions 24)





"A Warm Bucket Of Piss" could also apply to the game itself. (Colts 26, 49ers 23, OT)

That's not the start the Raiders needed or wanted. Neither is that. Good Lord. Brandon Carr stays getting roasted. Touchdown Crabtree as Manuel avoids a sack. That's a perfect throw by Flacco to Wallace. Why are we going through Gumbel's college photo albums? Then he misidentifies Seth Roberts (#10) as Amari Cooper (#89). Don't challenge spots. Or do, apparently. Was that really worth four yards, though? Crabtree barely gets the first down. Yeah, he slipped and fell in the end zone but Manuel probably would have overthrown him anyway. And good job by Trent Green to  point out that the easier throw was probably to Cooper. Tuck that ball in, EJ. Touchdown! Raiders punting here and the fans don't really like it. I'm not sure I do, either. (Ravens 30, Raiders 17)

Davante Adams is playing? I'm stunned. Bulaga back as well. Prescott threw a dart under pressure and Butler made some smooth moves afterwards. Going for it on 4th and 1 from the opposing 22? That's slightly unexpected but it makes sense when you put it like that, Joe. Dez didn't catch it. That's... not a great penalty call. Cowboys get a fresh set of downs. Touchdown Beasley. Pereira agrees that call wasn't good. With no Montgomery, the Packers are sending out some rookies at running back. Touchdown Adams. Wait, what? Another Beasley touchdown. Lot of green in front of Prescott there. The Packers force Elliott outside and he doesn't get the first down. Prescott sneaks for it. Touchdown Dez. FUMBLE! Oh, the Cowboys got it back. They won't score, though.
That sack-penalty call was a total cop-out. Strange, they're showing Witten on the sideline while his GEICO ad runs during this cut-in. Packers going for it on 4th and 1 from the 49. Got it easily. Is this Jones kid good or is this Cowboys defense bad? Touchdown Nelson. Elliott with a big run. That's good defense on Witten but it was real close. Still. the Cowboys retake the bead because Bailey never misses. I always say "Never challenge spots" but I'm gonna ignore that here because that's not a first down. Cowboys have to go for it. Nope. Or... wait, this is closer than we think it is, isn't it? They're gonna give it to him. First down Cowboys. Why pass here and risk stopping the clock? Makes no sense. Touchdown Prescott off the read option fake! Still, 1:13 left for the Pack, plus a time out.


God, two plays and they're already in Cowboys territory. That defense is BAD. Rodgers: "I'll do this myself." Then he takes a shot while going out of bounds, or did he GIVE that shot? TOUCHDOWN ADAMS!


Let's not act surprised.






OK, we can act a little surprised. (Packers 35, Cowboys 31)

This is always uncomfortable. Now Watt being helped off.


They're showing Watt being lifted into the ambulance. Hunt hasn't done much so far. And on cue, there he does. Have the Texans had the ball yet? Yes, and they just fumbled it. Good stop by the Texans defense to hold the Chiefs to three. This game must be really boring as often as they cut to Watt's ambulance.


Lamar Miller with a nice run. This might be what the Texans need. Foreman! Hold up. Will Fuller's a "V"? (I'm fairly certain I've been surprised by this before.) Touchdown Hopkins... yes! Both feet down. West making moves. Touchdown Chiefs. 23-7 at the half. Shotgun on 4th and 1? And they throw it? Watson finds Fuller... touchdown! Bit early to go for two, maybe? No good. Tyreek Hill just killed Jonathan Joseph. I think this is a catch. Watson! Fuller! How did he catch that while being covered with a blanket?


Alex Smith being involved in shootouts is wild. Al, on the Giants: "They might try to sign Del Shofner... or you." I think Bennie Logan's better as a true 3-4 nose tackle instead of a 4-3 hybrid. Hill!
How did the punter take down Fuller? That wasn't a face mask? Touchdown Hopkins! There's been some sick catches tonight. Wait, Kelce hasn't played the whole second half? And now they're saying Conley suffered an Achilles injury. Here comes a Texans Hail Mary because why not. Caught at the 1! Touchdown Hopkins as time expires. (Chiefs 42, Texans 34)

Trubisky time! To be honest, this really should have happened Week 1. OF COURSE IT'S 2-0. IT'S THE 2017 BEARS.


Oh, that's dangerous, rook. Touchdown Bears? How did that WORK? Oh, dude deflected it. Um... what just happened? That was amazing. No way this Bears coaching staff came up with that.
Like I said before... that's dangerous. Kai Forbath? OK, fine. It's GOOD. (Vikings 20, Bears 17)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Kansas City (5-0) — Doing everything right
2. Philadelphia (4-1) — That was unexpectedly easy
3. Green Bay (4-1) — Mike McCarthy doesn't deserve Aaron Rodgers
4. Carolina (4-1) — Seriously, they've bounced back pretty well

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (1-4) — For the best, really
30. Cleveland (0-5) — We're already benching rookies? Really?
31. N.Y. Giants (0-5) — I mean... my God
32. San Francisco (0-5) — You didn't miss much, Mr. Vice-President... EXCEPT THE POINT
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