Thursday, December 9, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Aim To Please

Nobody had this. Packers are without Adams, Lazard (who's unvaccinated and also in the COVID protocol) and Valdes-Scantling. I don't suppose the Cardinals would let the Packers borrow, say, Christian Kirk for the night. Murray gets sacked but there's a face mask. Andy Lee's still playing? He's like 47. So the Packers are also missing their defensive coordinator, so they've got one guy calling coverages to another guy, who adds the front setup and relays that to the middle linebacker. Murray launches one out of desperation and Hopkins catches it! No touchdown signal? There's a flag and they get Hopkins for a facemask post-catch. Still a big play — 40 yards after the penalty. Direct snap to Chase Edmonds after Murray motions outside, and Edmonds has an easy score. Roof is OPEN, FYI. Super Bowl 57 will be here, Joe quizzes Troy. Juwan Winfrey? His first catch. Welcome to stats. Packers line up to go for it on 4th and short (about half a yard) from the Cardinals' 6, but the quarter ends before the game clock runs out. They pick it up. Aaron Jones fights through an Isaiah Simmons tackle for a touchdown, spinning his body so that the ball breaks the plane. Packers punt skips away from Rondale Moore and is downed at the Cardinals' 2. Oh, that hit his hand. Packers gotta challenge. They win and the ball's at the 3. Marcedes Lewis almost gets both feet inbounds.


Cobb wants a flag and he probably should have gotten one. Packers settle for three. Hopkins, who we haven't seen since that big play, is now questionable. Jones has one go off his fingertips on third and 12. Hail Mary! We've seen this before. Incomplete. 10-7 Packers at halftime. The Cardinals basically have had the ball once tonight. Interception! Touchdown Cobb. Cardinals putting together a drive. Touchdown James Conner, which is all he does anymore.


Straight-up car crash on this kickoff return. Jones stumbles and falls out of bounds after a 19-yard catch. Tonyan gets 32 but then goes down, grabbing his knee. Touchdown Cobb. Now Edmonds is hurt.


Big catch by Ertz. Touchdown Conner! Packers use their last timeout with 5:41 left. Jones with a big run. That's DPI in the end zone. Jones appears to score but it's being looked at. The Cardinals almost want this to stand, right? There's 4:38 left and it'll be second down if it's overturned. Call REVERSED. He does NOT get in on second down. Now there's a delay of game penalty on the Packers. Rodgers scrambles and... doesn't make it. Play action pass is knocked down! Cardinals ball. Kirk falls down. No one covers A.J. Green. Kirk stays up to make this catch and they're already at midfield with two minutes left. You have to play for the win here, right? Murray bails out and somehow finds Edmonds. Cardinals with one time out left. Murray limping slightly. INTERCEPTED by... Rasul Douglas? He's a Packer now? Green never saw the ball.





What the hell. How is THAT the ending? (Packers 24, Cardinals 21)

Signal Finder: PHI @ DET, SF @ CHI (end), NE @ LAC, TB @ NO

Of course the Bengals would lose to that guy. Of course. Some things never change. (Jets 34, Bengals 31)

Lions win the toss and... take the ball? OK. I mean, you're 0-7, why not. Was Marcus Epps in on every tackle on that drive. Kenny: "Lions line up to punt, we think," then notes that they ran two fakes last week. Tight end screen on 3rd and 13? OK, Lions. Field goal goes wide left. Two reverses by Reagor. LOL what? They call ineligible man downfield on the Eagles, then realize that Hurts stepped out of bounds, making it a running play. Then they call defensive holding. Reagor slips on another sweep but it's ruled a touchdown anyway. We haven't seen an angle that definitively shows if his knee was down when he was touched, or where the ball is when it happened. I'd assume this stands, but who knows. I'm wrong, obviously. Boston Scott, starting for Sanders, scores on the next play. Sweat chases down Goff for his second sack today. Eagles rush to get an extra play off before the quarter ends and they draw the Lions offsides. Jordan Howard with his first carry of the season. I'm surprised he lasted this long on the Eagles' practice squad with all the running back injuries this season. Hurts rolls left for the first time ever, but still throws incomplete. Elliott hits from 43. Barnett with a sack? What is this, Earth-3? Hurts evades a sack and has nothing but green on his left, getting inside the 10. Touchdown Howard.


Announcers' booth camera is weirdly off-center. Big play to St. Brown is called back for illegal formation. Lions go for it on 4th and inches and Milton Williams gets his first sack! 17-0 Eagles at halftime.


Hurts gets out of the pocket on 3rd and 12 and picks up 21. Reagor hurt his ankle on the overturned touchdown and won't return. And when did JJAW even have the opportunity to get hurt? Eagles just running over the Lions now. Touchdown Scott but let's check this flag. It's against the Lions. This is rough, as the Lions have been in most of their games. Goff throws to no one on 4th and 11. The Eagles have 200 rushing yards and there's still 3:30 left in the third quarter. Touchdown Jordan Howard. Boos are LOUD. What is this, Philly? Extra point sneaks through. FUMBLE and the ex-Lion Slay scoops and scores. Maddox (who's from Detroit) punched it away from DeAndre Swift, a Philly kid. Tough scene. Goff gets drilled and HE fumbles, but the Lions keep this one. Drive goes nowhere. Minshew in. Lions lineman hurdles the line on the field goal and the Eagles take it for a first down. Elliott later hits from 25. Eagles haven't had a 40-point shutout since 1949 against the New York Bulldogs. Vilma asks Kenny who the Bulldogs quarterback was. "I'll get back to you." It was Bob DeMoss.


Jermar Jefferson gets the Lions a touchdown. (Eagles 44, Lions 6)

Mitchell dragged everyone on both teams into the end zone there. 49ers take the lead, and the two-point conversion makes that lead seven points. It's been a game of Quarterbacks Running For Touchdowns.



Field goal puts the 49ers up 11 with 1:50 left. Fields throws up a long ball and it's tipped and intercepted! (49ers 33, Bears 22)

A quick pass to Pittman (his second) and it's already 14-0 Colts after a turnover.


Tannehill to A.J. Brown ties it at 14. "Carson Wentz throws up a deep ball and draws a pass interference penalty" is almost a meme at this point. Pass to Doyle puts the Colts back in front. The Colts have had the ball for what seems like a long time and haven't really gone anywhere. What the hell was THAT? Of all the times to not audible.


What are you expecting to get out of a middle screen on your own two-yard line? That's something Pederson would have called last year. The underrated crazy thing about that is that's a better result than taking the safety, because the Colts at least get the ball back. Pittman's been huge today. Imagine if the Eagles had drafted him instead of Reagor. There's the flag for defensive pass interference. Touchdown Taylor! We're somehow tied! Oh no. OH NO. That one was somehow worse.


(Titans 34, Colts 31, OT)

Chargers come out throwing. Ekeler must have seen the Mitchell touchdown in Niners-Bears because he goes and does the same thing here. Jones goes deep to Agholor for 44. Damien Harris punches it in.


Justin Jackson? Justin Jackson! He's going to get caught from behind here. Touchdown Keenan Allen. Patriots driving again. Bourne can't handle the pass but he knocks it down to prevent a pick. Jones overthrows Meyers on fourth and goal, the second bad miss he had down there on that series. (The first was originally called interference, but the flag was picked up.) Chargers can't get out of the hole and the Patriots get a good punt return. Chargers defense holds and the Pats kick it. Intercepted by ex-Charger Adrian Phillips. Call time out, Patriots! Belichick's losing it. Jones misses Agholor badly. He hasn't come close to anyone on this drive. He WAS under pressure on that one, though. Folk hits from 47. Harris breaks a tackle and scores, but it comes back because of a hold. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Folk from 48 and the Pats lead. New Charger Dustin Hopkins (!) makes one from 48 after a long Ekeler run. Patriots challenge this holding penalty, claiming that it took place in the end zone, which would be a safety for them. They lose, but why not. Herbert to Allen gets them out of their own end. Interception! TOUCHDOWN. That's ex-Charger Adrian Phillips! The patriots go for two and get it with Jakobi Meyers, and that's his first trip to the end zone this season.


They add a field goal after the Chargers go three and out. Chargers doing a good job of getting out of bounds after these plays to stop the clock. Who's Joshua Palmer? OK, sure. Onside kick and you know how this ends.


It took me a while to figure out why we got this game here instead of Steelers-Browns for all the Pennsylvania Steelers fans... the Eagles host the Chargers next week. Scouting! (Patriots 27, Chargers 24)

And while Hopkins is in L.A., his replacement had two field goals blocked. I can't make this up. (Broncos 17, Washington 10)

Gronk and Sherman back. Saints give it to Kamara on 4th and 1 and he goes nowhere. Godwin! It feels like he's been invisible the last couple of weeks even with Gronk and Antonio Brown both out. Jenkins breaks up a pass for Gronk in the end zone. Touchdown Godwin. Saints come back with a touchdown on a perfect throw from Winston to TreQuan Smith. Winston down? Not entirely sure what happened. Who's their other backup? (Taysom's still hurt.) TREVOR SIEMIAN LIVES. Brady FUMBLES. Saints ball. This tight end Griffin hadn't caught a pass in FOUR YEARS? And he's got three TODAY? Bucs correctly say that the Saints false-started, which would have been hilarious if they had been wrong. Siemian throws a pick right to Winfield in the end zone, but the refs get Gholston for roughing when he just kind of bumped into Siemian's back after getting his helmet torn off. Aikman hates the call. Field goal is good. Gio RUNS for 25 yards to midfield. Brady gets intercepted by Gardner-Johnson on a late throw as Aikman tries to blame the receiver.


Mark Ingram's back, and wearing No. 14 this week. Saints run play action and get a touchdown to whoever Alex Armah Jr. is. Extra point is no good. 16-7 at halftime. Kevin White! Saints going DEEP into the archives. Before he resurfaced last week I legitimately thought he'd left football. They go on 4th and 4 from the Tampa 32 and get 15. Kamara inside the 10. Smith gets stonewalled at the 1. Kamara takes the fourth down pitch, juggles it, and somehow still scores! Aikman points out that the tight end Troutman kept blocking Lavonte David that whole time. 23-7 Saints. Gronk ruled out with back spasms. Godwin TAKES OFF. Touchdown and the Bucs are back in it. I'm reminded how many times I misspelled Siemian's name in years past. CYRIL GRAYSON? That dude wasn't scouted. Bucs go for two with a slow-developing reverse that doesn't work. Saints come back with a double reverse. What is Payton doing? Oh, right, outsmarting himself as usual. Three bad passes, two of which didn't even get to the end zone, burn only 16 seconds. Field goal is good. 1:40 left for Brady. INTERCEPTION. P.J. Williams brings it home! Crowd is going NUTS.


It looks like Godwin fell down while diving to make the catch when he didn't need to dive. Look, any time Brady face plants like that is a good time. (Saints 36, Buccaneers 27)

Dak is OUT. Welcome to Sunday Night, Cooper Rush. Jamie Lee Curtis as this week's celebrity narrator is inspired. Vikings will get the ball first. Cris was sure Dak would play after seeing him in warmups. Thielen is left completely uncovered for a 20-yard touchdown. Cowboys break out the wishbone with two offensive linemen in the backfield with Pollard. Legatron misses. Three Cowboys quarterbacks have made their first career starts on this version of Sunday Night Football. Including Romo! Reminder that Dak injured his calf two weeks ago throwing the game-winning touchdown pass against the Patriots. Former Cowboy Xavier Woods gets an interception off a tipped pass.


Cowboys jump offsides on a punt. Brilliant. Vikings looking at fourth and inches and they pass to Thielen for 25. Field goal is good. This Dantzler interception won't count. Cousins scrambling with less than 30 seconds? That'll end well. 10-3 Vikings at halftime. Cedrick Wilson posts to the middle and beats his man for a touchdown! 73 yards! We're tied.


Vikings add a field goal. WIDE RECEIVER PASS. Wilson finds Lamb for a big gain. Tied again through three after a field goal.


The U.S. women's hockey team is here. How long are they gonna make those poor women wave? That's a nice throw by Rush to Lamb. Too bad it was called back for holding. Woods with a strip sack? Vikings get it. And proceed to lose nine yards before punting.


They get the ball back and Cris hates this roughing the passer call. Randy Gregory gets flagged twice in three subsequent plays.


Pass is too high for Thielen and he can only take it to the 5 before falling down. Greg Joseph hits from 24 with three minutes left. Cooper with a circus catch off Breeland's chest. Rush has twice as many passing yards as Cousins (301 to 162). Cooper sitting on the sideline with a tennis ball under his calf. Elliott makes the catch and breaks two tackles to set up first and goal. Touchdown Cooper!


Osborn didn't get out of bounds! How about a hurry-up Hail Mary? Not even close. (Cowboys 20, Vikings 16)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Chiefs starting with "get the ball to Tyreek Hill," which is a sound strategy. It opens things up for guys like Pringle and Hardman, also. Chiefs have gotten into the secondary on every play so far. Behind-the-back fake? What? Mahomes' jump pass gets deflected into the air and intercepted in the end zone. That's happened SO MANY TIMES. He threw it into traffic and there were too many Giants around. Willie Gay stares down Jones and picks him off on their second play!


Mahomes scrambles up in the pocket and finds Hill in the back of the end zone. Jon Stewart's on with the Mannings and he's still shaking his head. He asks if he should start rooting against the Giants for draft position. The brothers talk him out of it. "That's almost a yard." Jones launches one and John Ross wins a jump ball. Daniel Sorenson can't be asked to do that. Wide receiver pass from Kadarius Toney to Shepard, who are both back tonight. Shepard with a carry on 3rd and goal that comes up short. Gotta go for this. Jones finds an open Kyle Rudolph for a touchdown. Strange to see him as a Giant. Giants muff the punt and are lucky to recover it. Third down pass hits Shepard in the face. Mahomes throws a sidearmer to Hill for a first down. Another tipped pass, but this one hits the ground. Derrick Gore (no relation) cuts outside and scores.


Devonte Booker's a Giant? He gets 41 on a pass from Jones, who also got roughed afterwards. Strahan's on with the Mannings now and he's apoplectic about that third down call. And rightly so. Throw past the sticks, dudes! Giants... kick a field goal? Really? Somehow that didn't piss him off even more. Chiefs punt and Toney gets plastered inside his own 5. Flag comes out for a helmet-to-helmet hit. And now the Giants are facing 1st and 25. Booker gets 15 and out of bounds with five seconds left. They... take a knee? Man, they're bad. Shepard's out with a quad injury, and they've already lost Pettis, who got hurt on the muffed punt. Mahomes throws deep to Hill but it hangs up there and Jabril Peppers breaks it up. Kelce with only his second catch tonight, and then he fumbles! Giants ball. Jones gets lucky on a swing pass to Toney — the defender fell down or that would have been an interception. Peyton asks Josh Allen if he misses playing against "a 52-year-old quarterback." Touchdown Evan Engram, who hasn't been traded yet. Mahomes hops back to the huddle after a first down scramble. Peyton invokes John Cena giving Jon Stewart the Attitude Adjustment on RAW when the Giants get called for a personal foul. Hardman wants a touchdown but the pass hit the ground before he got his hands on it. Mahomes gets sacked on 3rd and 9 and fumbles but the Chiefs hang on. Field goal ties it.


Someone named Elijah Petty breaks off a big run, then gets hit with a taunting penalty. It's a bad rule, but this is a stupid team and has been for years, so it evens out. Jones overshoots Slayton, but that's because the latter was held. Punt is... not good. Mahomes gets picked off but it's called back because of offsides. FINALLY KELCE. Refs incorrectly call a face mask penalty on the Giants. Quick pitch to Hardman gets the Chiefs inside the Giants' 10. This revamped Chiefs' offensive line has... not been great. Mahomes wisely goes down to keep the clock running, as the Giants have no time outs left. Butker puts the Chiefs up with 1:07 left. Chris Jones sacks Daniel Jones! Ball comes out and that's it.


(Chiefs 20, Giants 17)

RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. Green Bay (7-1) — Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake

2. Arizona (7-1) — That would have been huge

3. L.A. Rams (7-1) — The machine rolls on

4. Dallas (6-1) — It hurts to type this

BOTTOM 4:

29. Jacksonville (1-7) — This is already doomed, isn't it?

30. Miami (1-7) — ELEVENER! Too bad that always means you lose

31. Houston (1-7) — Garbage time charges

32. Detroit (0-8) — Just got steamrolled

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Thursday, December 2, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Rush Job

Who's even left for the Browns at this point? No Baker, no Chubb, no Hunt, no Jack Conklin, probably no Beckham. At least Jarvis Landry's back? Erin just said Beckham's going to try to play, so. First play is a pass to Landry. Screen to Austin Hooper for 34, his biggest play as a Brown by a large margin. D'Ernest Johnson finds a big hole. They scored in five plays. Landry doing work so far. He juggles this ball and somehow keeps it off the ground. Leaping interception attempt by Justin Simmons fails, and a poor cameraman pays the price. 52-yarder is good after a high snap. Sutton with a one-handed catch and the Broncos finally do something. John Johnson picks off Bridgewater in the end zone. That pass never had a chance.


The Broncos can't get a stop. Beckham slips and falls on third and 13. Field goal is BLOCKED. Now Von Miller's being helped off the field. He collided with his teammate and their legs slammed together. That's a good punt. Sutton gets hit with OPI, which will surely end the half. Aikman's not sure that was catchable. 10-0 Browns but it feels like it should be more. Buck points out that the Browns won the toss but took the ball first, which doesn't happen anymore. Hey, a Kendall Hinton sighting. You may remember him as the practice squad wide receiver who had to play quarterback against the Saints last season when all of the Broncos' real QBs got shunted to COVID protocol.


Hey, it's first and goal! Melvin Gordon tumble-dives into the end zone. Keenum gets rid of the ball under a LOT of pressure to Johnson for a first down. Browns go for it on 4th and 3 from the 6 (!) and Keenum scrambles and fights through a tackle to get it. The ball comes out and Hooper falls on it in the end zone, but he got the first down. Touchdown pass to the fullback.


We got a challenge on this Landry catch. Call REVERSED, forcing a fourth down punt. Shot of Elway in the visitor's box sends the entire city into spasms. Bridgewater sneaks it on fourth and short from the Browns' 11. This is CLOSE. Aikman doesn't think he made it.  Buck: "And that's a first down." Touchdown Williams! Johnson breaks away and gets dragged down from behind. He's been big tonight.



Two minutes! Johnson picks up another first down and that's that. (Browns 17, Broncos 14)


Signal Finder: CIN @ BAL, PHI @ LV, CHI @ TB

The Bengals haven't thrown to Marlon Humphrey's side yet. On this 4th and 1, they threw to Chase, but Jimmy Smith was on him. Nice leaping catch by Tee Higgins to steal an interception away. 52-yarder is good. Burrow's throat is still bothering him, so the Bengals have been doing silent counts today. Lamar scramble gets them into Tucker's range, but the Ravens punt instead, taking Harlan by surprise. Now the Bengals get Uzomah on Humphrey, and he beats him and fights off a tackle for a touchdown!


Jackson gets a good spot on a scramble. Quarterback draw gets him to the 2. Freeman punches it in. The Burrow-Chase reunion is going a lot better than the Lawrence-Etienne reunion. Bengals lead 13-10 at halftime. Wild fingertip catch by Hollywood Brown for the touchdown! He got that left foot down JUST before his knee landed out of bounds, too. Uzomah breaks another tackle and walks into the end zone. Bengals retake the lead. They've scored on their first drive of the second half in every game so far. Chase spins out of a jam and runs away from the defense. 82 yards! 27-17 BENGALS? Bengals stop the Ravens on 4th and 7 on their side of the field. Mixon touchdown makes it 34-17. This was... unexpected. Are the Bengals legit? (Bengals 41, Ravens 17)



Derrick Henry just threw a touchdown pass. Then the Titans marched 97 yards down the field on their next possession. Now it's 24-0 after the Titans capitalize on another deflected Mahomes pass that got intercepted. And now Mahomes is in the medical tent. This may be the worst day of his career. (Titans 27, Chiefs 3)

I don't mind this shade of green for the Packers. I do mind those orange helmets. Who thought this would work?


This was not all at one time, though it felt like it. (Note that Washington's lone touchdown was a 40-yard pass play.) (Packers 24, Washington 10)

We got 5-3 at MetLife HQ! The Panthers' offense just doesn't function without McCaffrey. (Giants 25, Panthers 3)

No Darren Waller for the Raiders in a late development. Goedert gets some air and makes the catch. This is more carries than Sanders had all last week. Touchdown... Gainwell? OK then. Lot of Eagles fans in the house. Can the Eagles decline this? Why didn't they? And then Zay Jones makes a jumping sideline catch for 43. Interception! Pass goes off Jalen Richard's hands and Maddox makes the play inside the 10. Sanders down and hurt. Looks like an ankle injury. Hunter Renfrow making moves. Waller's replacement, Foster Moreau, with a great catch in traffic for a  touchdown.

Well, he finally didn't and Smith makes a tough catch on the sideline. Christ, I forgot Vilma was doing this game. Hurts gets sacked at midfield on third down after a false start. Mariota! Raiders are driving. Screen to Jacobs gets them to the Eagles' 8. Jacobs goes outside and scores.



Then Gainwell fumbles. I'm not sure I can overturn this. These angles are terrible. Call STANDS. Raiders add a field goal to lead 17-7 at halftime. Both Sanders and Jacobs are ruled out. Onside kick? Really? Touchdown Kenyan Drake, which helps one of my fantasy teams. Hurts slides two yards short of the marker to save his own life. Delay of game on the Eagles wipes out a sack. There's no way Kelce took his own helmet off.


Raiders doing whatever they want. Hey, let's feature Bryan Edwards on this drive. Now Sirianni doesn't challenge this Renfrow catch that he could have won. Touchdown. Extra point CLANGS no good. 30-7.


Hurts slides and gets rocked. Goedert gets inside the 5. Max Crosby stuffs a Hurts sneak attempt. Then Hurts fumbles and the Raiders recover.


Eagles patch together a drive that ends with a Boston Scott touchdown. Raiders add a field goal. Reagor outjumps three Raiders and runs in for a score. Onside kick again fails.


Carr only had three incompletions? Good Lord. (Raiders 33, Eagles 22)

Big punt return! Fournette gets stopped at the 2 but scores on the next play. Fields is chased out of the pocket under pressure and gets picked off. Touchdown Godwin and it's already 14-0 Buccaneers. Fields fumbles on third down and the Bucs recover. Another short field for Tampa. Touchdown Evans! That's 600 (regular season) touchdown passes for Brady. Evans threw the ball into the stands!! We see a team official talking to the guy who had it. Tracy reports that they got a game ball and maybe a signed jersey in exchange. Nantz: "That's a bad deal." Bears on the move? Third down pass into the end zone is too high. Field goal is good. Brady goes 46 yards to Evans, then back to Evans for a touchdown. How is it not halftime yet? This Buccaneers defensive front is feasting today. Good Lord, are they going to score AGAIN? They sure are, and it's Evans for the third time this HALF. 35-3 at halftime. Bears force a punt to start the second half. Ronald Jones getting the run on this drive. Bucs going for it on 4th and goal from the 1. Jones goes up and... does not get over. Fields gets intercepted again, but not on third down this time. This time the Buccaneers try the field goal. (Buccaneers 38, Bears 3)

WE GOT ANOTHER FIVER. Touchdown Ertz! And this one's gonna stick.

(Cardinals 31, Texans 5)

The weather's terrible. They've added background echo vocals to the song. 49ers get the ball first. Andrew Sendejo's still in the league? Why? Colts can't stop this Mitchell kid. Extra point MISSES. (Note that this is Joey Slye kicking, as Robbie Gould is hurt.) Colts' first play is a fumble by Taylor and the 49ers recover. Two straight incompletions lead to a Slye field goal. Pittman might have pushed off. Oh, they called it on Norman. So that'll be a 57-yard pass. Play fake to Taylor and Mo Alie-Cox has an easy touchdown. DeForest Buckner being traded to the Colts is discussed, and it ended up being a case of the 49ers couldn't pay everybody. Slye hits from 56. Condoleeza Rice in the visiting owner's box. Taylor with burst. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Nick Bosa blew up Eric Fisher and Wentz made a blind dump-off shovel pass that went right to the defense. Dee Ford chases Wentz out of the pocket and he almost throws another pick. That's at least the second near-miss. Aiyuk muffs the punt, kicks it unintentionally, and the ball goes into the end zone. It's a touchback but I don't  understand why he didn't just go down when he recovered it in the end zone. The backup balls WILL BE IN PLAY. I repeat: THE BACKUP BALLS WILL BE IN PLAY. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.


Now the Colts get a takeaway when Leonard punches the ball away from Deebo Samuel. OK, that's definitely DPI on Pittman. Taylor hesitates and is stopped. Wentz keeps it on a bootleg and scores!


Two-point try almost couldn't have gone worse. Colts fumble but they recover it. I think Shanahan didn't mean to challenge that? The challenge flag is out. This has to go through, right? Why would he even challenge? It's not like the 49ers recovered. Anyway, the challenge fails.



Defense holds. Garoppolo gets sacked and fumbles! Moseley's out here mugging people tonight. Taylor with an absolutely filthy cutback and he walks into the end zone. 20-12 Colts. The Wentz interception on the shovel pass has been changed to a fumble. (This apparently happened 40 minutes ago but Al and Cris are just now telling us.) Touchdown Samuel! 49ers go for two but the pass is knocked down. Wentz takes off and gets a first down. Holding call negates another first down and the Colts kick it. 23-18 with seven minutes left. Al admits this shot of the Bay Bridge, which, again, they are nowhere near, was from the night before. Garoppolo makes a bad decision and Xavier Rhodes eventually ends up with it. Touchdown? Nope, he stepped out of bounds when he got pushed back. Cris compares Rhodes limping off in pregame warmups and coming back to play to Willis Reed, and Al tells him that it's not really the same thing. Pittman climbs the ladder, keeps his feet, and scores! 30-18. Collinsworth says Jamarr Chase is already the best wide receiver in Bengals history. Garoppolo throws up a wobbler that gets intercepted and that's that. Wentz: "Beautiful night in the Bay." (Colts 30, 49ers 18)

Monday night? In Seattle? GUARANTEED SHENANIGANS. Matt Hasselbeck raises the 12 flag. He's going into the Ring of Honor at halftime. Seahawks go three and out to start. Peyton's wearing an Ole Miss jersey to pay off a bet with Eli on the Ole Miss-Tennessee game. (31-26 Eli.) Metcalf breaks a tackle on the sideline and that's that. 84 yards. Did Lattimore fall down? It's so windy the goalposts are actually moving. Marshawn's mic is out of sync.


Lattimore gets caught swiping at Metcalf. Peyton to Marshawn: "I've done some cool things, but I've never caused an earthquake." Apropos of nothing, ESPN and ESPN2 have different commercials. Screen to Kamara gets 23 to start the second quarter. I'm not sure Jameis has thrown a third-down pass past the first-down marker yet. Tom Brady joins the Mannings and says he's become a warm-weather quarterback.


Penalty? Now it's 4th and 1 and there's another one. Jameis sneak picks up a first down. Then he shows off the wheels and runs for 18 after the play breaks down. Goal line pass gets knocked down! Saints kick a field goal. Kamara already with seven catches, this one putting the Saints in field goal range with a minute left.


Kamara again and he turns it into a touchdown. Oh, Jameis dropped the snap! I didn't see that originally and was wondering why Levy said that play could have been a disaster. 10-7 Saints at halftime.



Peyton can't wait to get that jersey off. He's played in all three Seahawks stadiums. I, too, am wondering why they have preseason footage. Another personal foul on Lattimore. Back-to-back sacks, then Myers misses from 44. Well, that was disastrous. Kevin White's still in the league? Jamal Adams breaks up a deep ball intended for Kenny Stills, who I also didn't know was a Saint. I guess with Michael Thomas out they're looking anywhere for receivers. The Seahawks haven't stopped those screens to Kamara all night. Fumble! Seahawks recover and Sue Bird approves. Gardner-Johnson drops an interception and the Seahawks tie it with a field goal. Graphic shows Bird has as many pro titles as Peyton and Eli combined. Time for the fourth quarter. Shenanigans incoming. Another miss by Myers ends a decent drive by Geno. Jameis gets trapped in the pocket, then takes a shot to the head. There's the flag. Kamara runs for 12 on 3rd and 10. Jameis overthrows everybody on third down. Riddick says he missed Kamara but he was covered. Seahawks jump offside on 4th and 5, giving the Saints a first down. Griese reminds us that the Seahawks only have one time out left with 3:05 to go. Callaway stayed inbounds? Nice work. Riddick mentions that Taysom Hill is hurt and I realize we haven't seen him tonight. Jameis gets sacked again! Two minutes left. Brian Johnson, the third replacement for the injured Wil Lutz, gives the Saints the lead. Malcolm Jenkins buries Geno on a blitz. And its DeMario Davis on the next play. Brees: "What have we got, fourth and California?" Davis breaks up a pass intended for Metcalf and that's it. Jameis and Geno greet each other afterwards. Those are two guys who took two sides of the same path. The Seahawks are in real trouble. They can't win without Wilson. (Saints 13, Seahawks 10)


RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Arizona (7-0) — This doesn't seem real
2. Green Bay (6-1) — Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake
3. L.A. Rams (6-1) — Goff is denied his revenge
4. Tampa Bay (6-1) — Getting that look

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (1-5) — Ever seen a live murder?
30. Miami (1-6) — Seriously?
31. Houston (1-6) — No plan in sight
32. Detroit (0-7) — A rare non-competitive effort


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Sunday, November 28, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Priors Confirmation

Whose idea was this? Seriously. No Lavonte David, either? That's actually helpful for the Eagles. Brady getting the everliving fuck booed out of him. Buck calls it "the ultimate sign of respect." I mean, for some people. Godwin gets 10 on 3rd and 8, creating first and goal. There's been so much space for the Buccaneers' receivers to work in. Buck mentions Howard Eskin for... some reason. Touchdown O.J. Howard, who slipped on the way to the spot. Hurts loses two. Shaq Barrett jumps WAY offside. Hurts scrambles for a first down. Watkins makes a diving catch on a throw on the run. Replay shows that pass was deflected. Richard Sherman headed to the locker room. Sanders got a personal foul that no one at Fox seems to be able to find. Reagor slows down on an underthrown ball and draws a DPI flag. Touchdown Ertz! Fournette trucks Singleton, which is a metaphor for how the Eagles' defense has done so far. Touchdown Brown. Has Brady thrown an incompletion yet? One, apparently. Bucs wait a little too long to bring out the punt team on 4th and 2, and call time out. They punt anyway.


Low throw from Brady gets tipped and Epps comes up with it. Is it a catch? Pereira doesn't think so. This has taken a while. Call REVERSED, though that does make it fourth down. That's not enough to overturn that call.


Trout's here tonight, I guess. Hurts overthrows Watkins and Jamel Dean comes up with the pick.


There's that space again, on the Brown screen and then the pass to Fournette. The Bucs' pass-catchers have so much room to make catches and work. I know I already pointed this out but that's kind of my point. Fournette punches it in after the two-minute warning. Eagles go three and out. Brady throws up... something and Anthony Harris, who's back in after hurting his hand, picks it off. No idea what happened there. Reagor incompletion review takes about 15 seconds. There have somehow been three changes of possession inside two minutes. 21-7 Bucs at halftime. Runyan and Tra Thomas join the Eagles Hall of Fame during halftime. Rough start for the Eagles to the second half. Troy: "It feels too easy right now." Fournette to the 1. He scores two plays later. Buck: "That was easy." Reagor draws another big DPI flag. THEY CALLED A RUNNING PLAY! That gets the biggest pop of the night. Hurts rolls out on 4th and 5 and takes it in himself.


If Sirianni is going to call nothing but screens he should just steal Andy's. This is a catch by Watkins as we start the fourth. Eagles challenge. Another Sanders run gets another huge sarcastic cheer. Then THIS happens:


Then the Buccaneers go for it on 4th and 2 at midfield and Brady badly overthrows Howard. Eagles take over with about 9:20 left. BACK-TO-BACK CARRIES FOR SANDERS. Then he gets them to the 1. Hurts keeps it on an option and scores. They go for two and get it! Buck and Aikman seem surprised that this is somehow a six-point game. Frankly, so am I. The hell with this taunting rule. Seriously. Brady zings one to Brown for 27 on 3rd and 7. The dagger just came out. And there it is.


The line was a too-low 6.5. (Buccaneers 28, Eagles 22)


Fifty-four-yarder is BARELY good. I mean BARELY. Dolphins go for it, and Green thinks they are going for it. Malcom Brown takes the handoff — and doesn't get there! Lawrence gets sacked twice in a row. It's 3rd and 20 and we're going to overtime. OR NOT? Super-quick throw by Lawrence to Shenault, then they call time out. Wright from 53. IT'S GOOD!!


(Jaguars 23, Dolphins 20)


So that's how that's going. Man, Nate Solder has been an absolute bust as a Giant. And this defense is getting steamrolled.


(Rams 38, Giants 11)

In case you needed a reminder of how trash the Washington Football Team is. This is what they did for the Sean Taylor jersery retirement ceremony that they claim they had planned for months but didn't announce until Thursday:


Hill is called down after the ball comes out. Someone named Jody Fortson's making circus catches. Touchdown Darrell Williams. Heinecke not off to the best start. Big play to Hardman puts the Chiefs in the red zone. Hill can't handle the pass and it's intercepted. Chiefs get a... stop? OK. Can't kick field goals against the Chiefs. Chiefs come up with a fumble recovery of their own. It's their first takeaway in four games? Who are they, last year's Eagles? Charles Davis is wondering how Kelce's gonna look on this drive. Two plays later he commits offensive pass interference, so I don't know if that's an answer. Hardman fumbles and Washington gets it. Sloppy game so far. Seals-Jones breaks free and scores. Mahomes drops the snap, throws up a duck, and it gets intercepted. That's awful and the Chiefs are trailing a bad Washington team at halftime. Hopkins misses a field goal. Mahomes throws a laser to Hill for a touchdown. Then the Chiefs get a big punt return with 15 yards added for an illegal block by the PUNTER. The Washington Football Team, ladies and gentlemen! Williams cuts outside and scores easily. 24-13 Chiefs. I know it's the Chiefs' offense, but the Washington defense might be the most disappointing unit in the league this season. Heinecke gets sacked and keeps going. Or maybe he wasn't? He wasn't! He rolled over Frank Clark and managed to throw the ball away. Fair catch at the 4? Really? Mahomes finds Robinson on 3rd and 8 with 4:11 left and that should do it. (Chiefs 31, Washington 13)



I thought Dominic Rhodes actually played for the Ravens at one point. It was actually the Raiders. (Ravens 34, Chargers 6)

Nagy calls a timeout, then throws the challenge flag. That seems wildly inefficient. They say the catch was short, so Nagy wins the challenge after all. Rodgers sneaks for a first down, making it not matter in the end. Bears football in a nutshell. There's Adams. Shovel pass to Lazard finds pay dirt. Crosby with an uneventful extra point, which everyone involved will gladly accept. Jones catches a touchdown pass and it feels like the proverbial snowball's rolling downhill now.


Or not.


Oof. (Packers 24, Bears 14)

Cowboys already going for 4th and short. Doesn't look like Zeke got there. Never challenge spots, McCarthy! Call STANDS. Have you learned NOTHING. Patriots get the ball and Harris takes off for 21. He scores two plays later. Cowboys fake to Zeke and Dak finds Jarwin for six.


None whatsoever. Patriots moving quickly. Touchdown Hunter Henry. Are we headed for a shootout here? Tyron Smith gets flagged for choking a dude, wiping out a big catch by Cedrick Wilson. Bad, late throw by Dak gets picked off in the end zone. Mac to Agholor for 27. Meyers touchdown gets called back by offensive holding, then Mac gets wrecked on a strip sack and the Cowboys recover. J.C. Jones breaks up a would-be touchdown pass to Wilson as CBS flashes the TOUCHDOWN graphic anyway. Cowboys block a punt! Dak sneak gets stuffed. Now he leaps over the pile and gets there. The ball comes out. Whoa, that's a fumble! Replay shows the ball came out before it broke the plane. Nantz and Romo wonder why the sneak before wasn't reviewed, since they thought he'd scored on that play. Steratore explains that they never saw where the ball was. Call is correctly REVERSED and the Patriots take over at the 20. Pats content to go into halftime with the lead. Second half has started the opposite of the first half. Footage of Jerry and Kraft greeting each other and posing for a picture, for some reason. Touchdown Lamb, who beats Jalen Mills in the corner. That's the Cowboys' 2500th touchdown, which... OK? Good for you?


Is the poll out? Because Ole Miss is 12th now and they were 13th during the first game. Someone named Rhamondre Stevenson scores and the Patriots retake the lead, 21-20. Penalty pushes the Cowboys back 10 yards. Dak scrambles and dives but he doesn't get there. Fourth and 1. The FIELD GOAL TEAM comes on? With this much time left? Really?


51-yarder is NO GOOD! Did the Pats get a piece of that kick? Diggs picks off Mac Jones and takes it to the house! Touchdown Cowboys! That's, what, seven interceptions already for him? Yeah. Then the Patriots come right back and Kendrick Bourne dusts Diggs for a touchdown! Good Lord. This game is drunk again. Romo sneaks in a Bourne Identity joke and no one notices. Yet ANOTHER penalty on the Cowboys. As expected, McCarthy has absolutely butchered the end of this game. And again they try a field goal with 24 seconds left on 4th and 1.




It's good. The Patriots get the ball first in overtime and do nothing with it. Dak finds Lamb and he'll walk into the end zone. Cowboys win in spite of themselves. (Cowboys 35, Patriots 29, OT)

Tirico subbing for Al tonight, who likely didn't want flashbacks from the awful Super Bowl these two played. They have a Tirico/Collinsworth booth frame for the intro? GENO. Three straight punts to start. Doing great. We have downed punt drama. The knock back is fine. What happens with the Seahawk player who picks it up for some reason? He gets knocked backwards over his own teammate and loses the ball. Looks like it'll be a touchback. Najee Harris is 232 pounds? He doesn't look it. Tirico and Collinsworth wonder if the Steelers' offense is shifting back to run-first. First quarter ends without incident. Or points. That's not a good punt. Diontae Johnson gets the Steelers into field goal range on a sweep. Ben finds Harris, and he finds the end zone. He gets free on the next drive but the throw is slightly long. Jet sweep to EBRON? Touchdown Steelers! Highsmith sacks Smith. Some interesting wig colors in the crowd tonight. Halftime! Seahawks have 65 yards of offense. Seahawks get the ball to start the third quarter. This drive is a slog. An effective slog, but a slog none the less. Touchdown!


Look, the Seahawks can't afford to lose any more running backs. That's Gerald Everett, formerly of the Rams, making that big play downfield for the Seahawks. Geno hits Dissly for a touchdown. Steelers get a clutch sack and the Seahawks can only kick a field goal to tie. Seahawks challenge this incompletion, claiming that its a fumble by Roethlisberger. They are correct. (Remember, the Tuck Rule doesn't exist anymore.) Call REVERSED. Seahawks take over at the Steelers' 35. They force a punt. Johnson drops a diving attempt on a second down, then Ben overthrows Claypool on third. Steelers come up with another big stop. This looks bad. Darrell Taylor's been down for a while. Cart's out. Two minutes left. Claypool can't stay inbounds AND he gets called for OPI. Pass to Harris gets 17 on 3rd and 20, getting them back into field goal range. Boswell from 52 into the closed end of the stadium, Tirico notes. No doubt about that one. Big difference between Wilson and Geno in this spot. Metcalf makes a tough catch on the sideline that stands. Metcalf fumbles but Swain is on it.


Ten seconds left! They've gotta spike it. They get it off with one second, but the clock reads zeroes. It's always something with the Seahawks at night. And this game's in Pittsburgh! Great work by McAuley on this explanation — the clock was stopped to review the catch/fumble, meaning the spike play didn't count. Now they spike it. Field goal is good and we have our third overtime game of the day.


McCloud gets stonewalled on third down, forcing the Steelers to punt. Seahawks FUMBLE! T.J. Watt got away from five guys and knocked the ball out of Geno's hands. Do you even run a play here? Ben slides to the middle of the field and goes down. Boswell's on. It's GOOD!


Damaging loss for the Seahawks, and a badly needed win for the Steelers. (Steelers 23, Seahawks 20, OT)

Devin Singletary being showcased for a trade? He hardly plays anymore. Vrabel tries to recreate the Music City Miracle on a punt return but a flag comes out for an illegal forward pass.



Poyer makes a great leaping interception. Knox touchdown gets called back. Bills settle for another field goal. Well, there goes Derrick Henry. 76 yards and it was over after seven.


Actual Music City Miracle highlights bring us back from commercial. Allen finds Sanders in the middle of the zone. Touchdown to Stefon Diggs, which is his second, tying him with his brother, who is a cornerback. Riddick: "That's easy." Pass goes off Micah Hyde's helmet, and Julio Jones falls out of bounds making this catch. Wait, they said he caught it? There's pass interference on Hyde. Oh, Julio did drag his left foot! That's a great catch. Clip of Henry damn near killing Josh Norman with a stiff arm last year. Byard picks off Allen. Taylor Lewan down? That's not good for the Titans. Cart is out and he's strapped all the way in. He gives the thumbs-up on the way out. Tannehill keeps it and scores. Titans back up 17-13. Allen rolls out and no one covers Beasley in the end zone. Batson being helped off. 20-17 Bills at halftime, which is more points that I'd have figured for. Henry cuts back and gets 20, only because Hyde sacrificed himself to prevent the touchdown. A.J. Brown with his first catch of the night. Touchdown Henry! 24-23 Titans.


TOMMY SWEENEY? Then the Bills run the Philly Special for the two-point conversion. Henry just scores touchdowns out of nowhere. You look up and he's in the end zone. 34-31 Titans with 3:05 left. KICKOFF RETURN TOUCHDOWN? Check this flag. It's never good. Yep, illegal block. Why are the Titans sitting back on defense? Allen leaps towards the marker at the 3. Did he get there? Refs say no. He didn't see Beasley in the end zone. Fourth and half a yard. Bills line up to go for it and the TITANS call time out. SNEAK? He didn't make it! That never had a chance. This is the third game ending Vrabel's butchered, and the second time he's gotten away with it.


(Titans 34, Bills 31)

RANKINGS:

TOP 4: 

1. Arizona (6-0) — This week it's an offense party

2. L.A. Rams (5-1) — Running warmups

3. Green Bay (5-1) — Still collecting rent

4. Tampa Bay (5-1) — Uh-oh

BOTTOM 4: 

29. N.Y. Giants (1-5) —  Limp and listless

30. Jacksonville (1-5) — Home field advantage!

31. Miami (1-5) — Seriously?

32. Detroit (0-6) — A rare non-competitive effort

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Monday, November 15, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Red Receipts

MY EYES! MY EYES! Apparently the Rams' kickoff returner was also affected. No Chris Carson for the Seahawks. Woods makes a juggling sliding catch for 11 yards. The Seahawks run it at Aaron Donald on 4th and 2. It ends about how you'd expect.


Woods is left open and he gets to the Seahawks' 10. An actual seahawk lands on some dude's head as the first quarter ends. Quadre Diggs intercepts Stafford in the back of the end zone! Then Ramsey makes a play and Troy Reeder gets an interception of his own. Pete Carroll (70) is twice as old as Sean McVay (35). That's an easy interference call. Touchdown Metcalf! I wasn't sure we were gonna see a touchdown tonight. Rams pass up a 4th and 2 to kick a field goal with 1:12 left in the half. And medical people are looking at Stafford, so maybe that's why. Buck calls the offensive holding on the Lockett touchdown before the refs can announce it. Subsequent field goal goes left. Buck denounces the announcer jinx while Aikman correctly points out that the Seahawks fans will blame him anyway. Halftime! We see someone's hand with a bandage on a right index finger. I assume it's Stafford's since he was being looked at earlier. Pass hits Donald in the head. Punt takes a Seahawks bounce at the last minute and is downed at the Rams' 5. Big catch by Desean. Gay's field goal CLANGS through. Then the kickoff goes out of bounds.


Now Wilson's holding his middle finger after just missing Lockett after getting hit. HIGBEE. Touchdown Rams. BLOCKED PUNT! Then the punter picks it up and kicks it away anyway. There's a flag. WHAT?


What the hell? Replay shows he was definitely across the line of scrimmage. Rams got jobbed. Ah, Seattle nights.


Geno Smith in for the Seahawks. I genuinely forgot he was still in the league. That's a good ball to Dissly. Metcalf in the end zone! When's the last time Geno threw one of those? 2017, Buck says. Rams come right back with a touchdown. This Seahawks' defense isn't what it used to be. Gay's kickoff goes out of bounds AGAIN. Seahawks kick the field goal now, because they might as well. Seahawks hold and they'll get the ball back. Geno throws an interception. Lockett, the possible intended target, got tripped up and that'll probably be that. Probably should have been illegal contact. Field goal ices it. (Rams 26, Seahawks 17)


(Falcons 27, Jets 20)

Signal Finder: PHI @ CAR, CHI @ LV, NYG @ DAL

Eagles' first drive is ended by Jeremy Chinn, who should probably be on this team instead of Jalen Hurts. No McCaffrey again. Darnold's never run this much, at least not by design. This new punter might be the Eagles' second-best player. Slay with an interception! Bad high throw by Darnold. Screen to Watkins loses five. Third down pass to Smith is short and pulls him out of the end zone. Play action slant to Smith for a touchdown... but it's called back for OPI on Ward. Isn't that the same thing that happened last week?


They settle for a 30-yarder. Slay gives up a big play, then no one covers Tremble in the end zone. Maddox saves a touchdown with a last-second breakup of a pass to Robby Anderson. A better throw and that's a touchdown. Plug for Bucs-Eagles Thursday night, which is looking like the ultimate Revenge Game massacre. Hargrave goes in practically untouched and gets Darnold. Siposs's punt is partially blocked? Replay shows it wasn't actually touched, but the free rusher forced him to shank it. Late hit on D.J. Moore adds 15 yards.


Sweat gets a sack. Field goal is good. Bad snap gets away from Hurts, who doesn't fall on it and gets lucky that it goes out of the end zone. 15-3 Panthers. When did NASCAR drivers start doing SNF-style intros? Panthers call time out before a false start. They change their minds and decide to punt. Elliott forced to take a 58-yarder. It's GOOD. 15-6 at halftime. Barnett down. Smith gets the ball punched out and Chinn recovers. Cox with a sack. Been a long time. Then Hurts gives it right back on an overthrown deep ball that Donte' Jackson caught like he was the intended receiver. Then Slay gets his second pick on another ball Darnold shouldn't have thrown.


Hurts gets buried on back-to-back plays by Hasaan Reddick, who wrecked Mailata at right tackle. Hurts's arm is going forward here. Incomplete pass, not a fumble. 53 yards to Watkins! Then they get an interference call in the end zone. Hurts sneak isn't even close. Touchdown? What? OK! Now the Eagles can't get a stop to save their lives. Genard Avery with his first play as an Eagle. (He's been here 3 1/2 years.) Gonzalez hits from 50. Gainwell can't catch it on third down, and Ertz can't catch it on fourth. Not the best throw, but he's caught worse throws than that. They're lucky they're seeing Jets Darnold today. That ball to Anderson has to be thrown better, too. BLOCKED PUNT! Big catch by Goedert, followed by dropping a touchdown. Come on, man. Hurts takes it himself! They go for two and Hurts gets chased back 10 yards but still finds Smith in the back of the end zone. Darnold threads the needle to Anderson for 19 on 3rd and 15. Sounds like a lot of Eagles fans in the crowd — big pop on that offensive holding call. Intercepted by Nelson! I think that's more interceptions than Eagles DBs had all of last year. Sanders gets forced out of bounds twice on three runs. And the second time he lost three yards. STOP RUNNING OUTSIDE. Hurts keeper seals it. Not sure they deserved this one, but "deserve's got nothing to do with it." (Eagles 21, Panthers 18)

Joe Burrow's going to get himself killed.


If this doesn't work, you're giving Aaron Rodgers the ball at practically midfield. CLANG! No good! Then CROSBY misses! We've got overtime. And Burrow starts it with an absolutely terrible interception.


Crosby MISSES AGAIN! OH GOD OH NO. This is unconscionable.


We join right after this with 3:22 left and Rodgers gets sacked. Cobb with a tough catch for a first down. They're reviewing the spot. Recap shows that they've missed five field goals in 10 minutes of game time?



Pass is ruled short of a first down. Crosby is out. 49 yards. It's... GOOD! (Packers 25, Bengals 22, OT)

What happened to Washington's defense? It's been BAD this season. (Saints 33, Washington 22)

Fields looks absolutely dejected after that lateral attempt. That's Fields's first touchdown pass. To... Jesper Horsted? Raiders are sputtering this half. Carr gets picked off but the Raiders can't capitalize. He still looks mad three series later. Now he's down and Peterman is in.


Carr back in after two plays, and he gets called for delay of game as CBS shows a Peterman sneak. Jacobs finishes the drive with a touchdown. Bears get another field goal and now the Raiders are going backwards. (Bears 20, Raiders 9)

Cowboys go for it on 4th and 2 but the Giants intercept it! It was the right move! Expect McCarthy to punt every time for the rest of the game. Gano misses right from 54. If Elliott's rejuvenated, this offense becomes much more dangerous. Pass to Schultz broken up in the end zone. Field goal is good. Other than the pick, the Giants haven't really stopped the Cowboys yet. Wait, what happened to Barkley? He's getting carted off? Dak fumbles the snap and the Giants get it! Toney to the 1. Touchdown Giants, apparently?


Now Jones is being carted off. Cowboys streak down the field and Dak hits Cooper for a touchdown. Giants open the second half with a field goal, which is a minor miracle. Now Elliott's down after grabbing his back after landing out of bounds. He's up and headed to the sideline. Interference on Bradberry. Elliott back in and loses a yard. Touchdown on the next play. Trayvon Diggs picks off whoever the Giants' backup QB is (Jones is out with a concussion). Big Pollard run is called back by offensive holding. Pollard breaks some tackles and gains 13. Cowboys add three more. Mike Glennon lives! He's the Giants' backup. This is a good drive! They direct snap it to Kadarius Toney and he gets to the 2. Fourth down pass is... incomplete. WIDE RECEIVER PASS. Dak goes deep to Wilson on third and 1. Touchdown Elliott. Now we got a fight. Did somebody throw a punch? It was Toney! He's gone. Neither guy was involved in the play! They were just out here being mad. Who's left to catch passes for the Giants? John Ross and who else? I hope Gettleman has Ike Hilliard's number. This drive eventually ends in a touchdown after one on the previous play was ruled incomplete. Gratuitous pick-six to close. (Cowboys 44, Giants 20)

I've figured out what's bugging me about Carrie's dress. The shoulder pads are bigger than some of the players'. Allen runs through the Chiefs for a touchdown. I mean, through them. Fumble on the kickoff. Bills recover! Allen throws it away mid-collapse and gets called for grounding. Bills can't cover Hill, either. "GEHA Field"? The hell? Lot of activity here. About three guys stand under center before Mahomes returns and throws a touchdown to Pringle. Then this happened:

This was followed by Allen throwing an absolute strike to Emmanuel Sanders for a touchdown. Allen to Diggs for 61! This is an untalented Chiefs defense that is also schemed poorly. That same defense holds and the Bills kick a field goal. Dawson Knox playing center field here and it's touchdown Bills.

Get Sorenson out of coverage. He's dying out there. This Hardman play is gonna be changed to a completion. He's pretty clearly inbounds. Field goal is good. 24-13 Bills at halftime. There may be lightning in the area, Tirico says.


Oh, we're doing an extended halftime? It's anarchy on that stage. "You wanna go New England-Houston?"


We're being told that the teams will be allowed back on the field at 10:05 local time (11:05 here). We resume at 11:12 with the Bills getting the second-half kickoff.


Hill can't handle the pass, and Micah Hyde intercepts it. Touchdown Bills! Mahomes finds Hill to convert a 3rd down and get inside the Bills' 15. Sidearm pass gets deflected — and picked! Cris: "Everybody in Buffalo just jumped through a table on that play."




Chiefs get the ball back. DPI puts them in the red zone. Touchdown Chiefs and this isn't close to over. Roughing the passer call on Frank Clark wipes out a Chiefs' interception. Cris really doesn't like that call.


Touchdown Sanders! That might do it. Mahomes fumbles the snap, it goes back about 15 yards and the Bills end up with it. We're done here. This was about a five-minute window. Probably less.


OH. (Bills 38, Chiefs 20; White Sox 11, Astros 6)

It's the Carpetbagger Bowl! Wait, the Ravens hadn't fielded a kickoff until then? TAYLOR! Good Lord! That screen almost got tipped, for starters. That's the first first-quarter touchdown for the Colts this season. Colts challenge this catch and win, forcing a punt. Wentz throwing early under pressure and hitting his receiver. That didn't happen once last year. This offensive line's gotta protect. I know they don't have Quentin Nelson, but still. Wentz gets blindsided and fumbles. Ravens recover! Tavon Young comes unblocked on a safety blitz and gets Wentz. Lamar takes off and stumbles for a first down. Holy shit! They broke into the game to report that a new batch of emails was released and Jon Gruden just resigned! He was sending that shit while AT ESPN? Come on, man.





Mark Andrews comes up with a big catch. Lamar misfires for Hollywood and the Ravens settle for three. Wentz misses Parris Campbell, but finds Alie-Cox. Colts going for it on 4th and 11 instead of trying a 56-yarder. Pittman picks it up, but doesn't get out of bounds, so they have to use their last time out with three seconds left. Wait... the punter's kicking this field goal? He missed! HANG ON. Did Humphrey jump offsides (he did!) because Nyheim Hines was holding and he thought he smelled something? Now Blankenship is out and he makes a 37-yarder. 10-3 at halftime. Wentz gets hit as he throws and Pittman comes back to it! It's called a touchdown.


They're not even trying to throw at Humphrey. Extra point MISSES. Riddick, who briefly played for the Raiders and loved it there, is sick over what's happening in Vegas.


Lamar fumbles and Leonard picks it up. He laterals to Isaiah Rogers and he streaks down the sideline for a touchdown! Was Lamar's knee down? This is CLOSE. Call STANDS, but the lateral is ruled an illegal forward pass, taking the touchdown off the board. Levy's not sure about that. Neither am I, really. Great throw from Wentz to Alie-Cox. Touchdown Taylor. Colts going for two. Wentz fakes left, throws right, and it's picked! Lamar drops one into Hollywood's bread basket. Lamar keeps it for the two-point try but is called short. His elbow's down. Marlon Mack sighting! Showcasing for a trade tomorrow? Flea flicker try ends with Wentz throwing it away. Punter Sanchez back in for another field goal try, and this one's good. Devonta Freeman lives! And he gets the Ravens to the 5. Touchdown Andrews after Lamar had three days to find him. They go for two and Andrews gets it. 25-17 with nine-plus minutes left. Pass to Taylor's a little high but he brings it in and gets big yards. Taylor dives for a first down. Calais Campbell with a big stop on third down. Then Blankenship's field goal is blocked! Colts took their foot off the gas there — you gotta throw it on first down. I should mention here that they're down several cornerbacks, and Xavier Rhodes just went out on the previous series. Ravens on the move. Two minutes! Jackson keeps it and fumbles AGAIN? He's (correctly) called down. Then the Ravens lose two yards on a botched handoff. Touchdown Andrews! Two-point try also goes to Andrews and we're tied at 25! Wentz takes that sack last year. Good job by him to get rid of it. A Ravens defender makes a dumb, overly aggressive mistake at a crucial time? THAT'S never happened before. That'll give the Colts 15 yards AND save a time out. Wentz to Pascal for 15. Wentz dives to the center of the field and the Colts call their last time out. Let's try this again. WIDE LEFT. Is this dude hurt or something? Justin Tucker's a captain? Sure. Has everything the Ravens run on this OT drive been in the middle of the field? Touchdown Hollywood and the Ravens win. (Ravens 31, Colts 25, OT)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Arizona (5-0) — The defense shows up
2. Buffalo (4-1) — An important victory
3. L.A. Rams (4-1) — Rally on a short week
4. Green Bay (4-1) — Unnecessarily heart-stopping

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (1-4) — Very few encouraging signs
30. Miami (1-4) — Meanwhile, their defense got trashed this week
31. Jacksonville (0-5) — Lawrence isn't used to this
32. Detroit (0-5) — Only these guys would lose to the Vikings on a last-second field goal
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