Monday, July 30, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Crystallize

Moss out here shadowboxing on the field. McDonough going right into "Gruden's leaving." "Nothing's official yet." Smart, Gruden. Smart. I'm positive I've brought this up before, but is there a more anonymous franchise in American sports than the Tennessee Titans? Ever since the Super Bowl run, they've never been bad enough or even good enough to be memorable. No real stars, no real personalities. Strange. The Titans kicked off to Hill? That's a risk.





Let's trade some punts! Your reminder that Kareem Hunt wasn't even supposed to be the starter. Hill finds an opening in the secondary, then Smith hits an open Kelce after a well-run play fake. First and goal already. Touchdown Hunt. Two guys I forget are still in the league: Dick LeBeau and Darrelle Revis. Alfred Wilson making moves to get a first down on 1st and 15. Chiefs making this look easy. Touchdown Kelce and they looked like the September Chiefs out there. Derrick Henry fumbles but it goes out of bounds. Eric Decker's still on the Titans? Gotta catch that. Smith out here throwing blocks on screens. Trying to drive down his trade value, no doubt. Dick LeBeau has been in football longer than BOTH OF THESE FRANCHISES.




Mariota throws an interception. Either he or the tight end was late. Not sure who. Gruden pointing out that there are too many routes over there. Titans kinda driving again. Mariota sacked and that'll put a stop to that. Ball out? They're saying his forward progress was stopped, which is strange because HE WAS SACKED.




Field goal is good. Kelce got wrecked. Good God. Smith gets out of bounds. Hill! Smith finds a hole in the zone and that's a touchdown.




21-3 Chiefs at halftime.




Gruden imploring the Titans to throw at Revis. What world is this? Mularkey challenging a spot four minutes into the third quarter down 18 points. Why does he have this job? OK, he won the challenge, but still.




Gruden makes a good point: Rishard Matthews doesn't have a catch in this game. He may not have a target. Nice catch and run by Henry. Touchdown Henry! Wait, no, that penalty's on the Titans. Wait, WHAT? Is that a touchdown? Was Mariota across the line of scrimmage? Yes, and no! He threw it on the run and Revis knocked it BACK to him, he CAUGHT it, and dove into the end zone.







So let's just restate what just happened. Marcus Mariota threw a touchdown pass to himself in a playoff game. Offsetting penalties saves the Titans from a roughing the kicker call on a punt. MUFFED. CHIEFS BALL! Jackson never had a chance. Then Butker misses the field goal. What's going on? Is this an NFL Draft commercial? Really? Mariota to Walker for another first down. These are the November Chiefs. 21-10 after 3. And that Henry touchdown run makes it 21-16. Hell of a time for your first two-point conversion attempt, Titans. Maybe run something you've, I don't know, actually run before. Chiefs really missing Kelce, and it showed on that third down pass, which his backup dropped. Man, the Chiefs are more beat up than I realized. Mariota scrambles for another first down. WTF Peters? You got lucky Mariota overthrew Davis. That should have been a touchdown. Touchdown Titans!! ERIC DECKER LIVES. OH MY GOD. IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.




That was doomed from the start. GET THE BALL. Smith keeper? That seems dangerous. Holding takes that back. Another Smith scramble. THAT time Morgan sacks him and they can't send the kicker out for a 61-yarder here. Fourth and 9. Deep ball is incomplete off Wilson's fingers. Put a little too much altitude on that. How do you not knock Henry out of bounds there? FUMBLE. TOUCHDOWN CHIEFS. YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. Wait, hang on. HE'S DOWN. My God. This won't count. Poor Chiefs. They've blown it again. Yeah, he's clearly down. Mariota with the block! First down Titans!




What a horrible collapse by the Chiefs.





And the Titans are going to get murdered next weekend. (Titans 22, Chiefs 21)

Welcome to HISTORIC LOS ANGELES COLISEUM. Two bad-ass punts by Johnny Hekker already. Muffed punt! Falcons ball after the muff goes another 15 yards. The Falcons have had terrible starting field position all three times tonight. Hochuli: "We will review the ruling." Al: "I thought we were doing that." Bryant kick is good. Nobody needs to see Al Michaels' booty shaking, Justin. NOBODY. Look at Matt Ryan buying time. Field goal is good and it's 6-0. Fumble on the kickoff! This guy's going to the Pro Bowl? Falcons ball AGAIN! Touchdown Freeman with a push from Alex Mack. The Rams are shellshocked. Al has a Walk of Fame star? "The dogs love it." Larry David in the house! And the NBC DJ immediately plays a snippet of the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme. It really does feel like the Falcons having Been Here Before is a factor here. Gurley finally breaks out, and those flags will add 15 more, most likely. Goff with a laser to Kupp for a first down. Touchdown Rams! Ryan drops back and slips. Al says it's new turf put in after USC/UCLA. Then Ryan goes down again and the Falcons have to punt. Goff with two quick completions. Defensive holding is changed to pass interference because the ball was in the air after all (Hochuli stopped mid-announcement because I guess someone was correcting him). Guys are slipping everywhere. Ryan's got blood on the back of his neck, and his head hit someone's thigh pad on that second sack. What a catch by Woods! The Rams have no time outs and they try to spike it, but the officials are reviewing the catch. Stands and the Rams get the down back, as they should. It also stops the clock. Did Gurley catch that? An incompletion here would also help the Rams. Call overturned. Now there are 14 seconds left instead of five. Incomplete. Offensive holding knocks them back 10 yards, and they'll end up kicking the field goal after all. 13-10 Falcons at the half.




Freeman just ran over a Rams defensive back while not going down. Fourth and inches from the Rams' 20 and the Falcons sneak Ryan for a first down.




Rams hold and the Falcons kick it to make it 16-10. McVay's grandfather was an ex-coach and executive who got him onto the Redskins' staff with a phone call. He beat out Calvin Johnson for Georgia Player of the Year? What? Woods EXTENDS to pick that one out of the air. Drive stalls.
Bryant drills one from 54. Cooper loses the ball on the kickoff AGAIN but he's down this time. Robert Woods having a game. Gurley! Not sure why he's not out there on 3rd and 14.



Field goal is good. The Rams have a better shot at building a fan base in L.A. because 1) they were here before, and 2) this team's got young, exciting potential. Well-blocked screen to Sanu gets 52 yards. Jones catches a duck from Ryan for a touchdown and that might do it. Woods with a juggling catch on the sideline. Touchdown? Touchdown. Actually, no. That ball's out. Fourth down now and Watkins drops it. THAT'LL do it.




Falcons should come after this punt, do, and almost block it. Cooper damn near muffs that one too. Rough night for the kid. Collinsworth wondering if taking a safety there might have been the better play, given that it would have led to a free kick from the 20 instead of a punt from the 10. (Falcons 26, Rams 13)

The Doug who should be Coach of the Year is Marrone. The man won 10 games and a division title without a quarterback or his top three receivers.





McCoy is ACTIVE.




Seriously, if you had Nantz and Romo in Jacksonville on January 7, you're a damn liar. Bills get the ball first. SACKSONVILLE. Why is Fournette split out wide? That almost got picked. That's a good punt. Now wondering how much intel the Jaguars got from Marcell Dareus. Eleven plays and the Bills haven't crossed midfield yet? This is gonna be one of those games, isn't it? Jags covered up everything on that 3rd and 2 bootleg. Bortles missing badly on his last two throws. Bad read by Taylor (TE was well covered) leads to a great interception by the Jaguars. Bortles lucky that didn't get intercepted. It occurs to me that we're watching a playoff game between two teams who will both probably have new quarterbacks next season. Taylor's a free agent again, and Bortles has a cap number that almost guarantees he'll be cut. It also occurs to me that Simmons said there weren't six AFC playoff teams back in November, and right now I'm not sure there were three. Taylor scrambles for a first down and gets hit from behind as he slides. Another scramble on 3rd gets another first down. Is Jordan Matthews hurt? Calais Campbell trips Taylor up on a designed third-down run. Bills GOING for it on 4th and 1 from the 3? Nah, they're trying to draw the Jags offside, and it didn't work. Winds are swirling down on the field, apparently. And then the Jaguars jump offside on the field goal attempt! First and goal. Why throw there?







Penalty knocks the Bills back and they don't recover. Field goal is good. Thought the Bills might come after this punt. Bortles just ran for 20 yards to get the Jaguars in field goal range. That's the Jaguars; biggest play of the game. Nantz said that's the biggest play of the game period. He just ran for another first down! Sack. Field goal is... good. Are the shadows in that end zone always that dark? I've never seen it. 3-3 at halftime. So that's where Dede Westbrook ended up. Myles Jack gets flagged for pass interference on McCoy that prevented a likely touchdown. This O'Leary guy is struggling. And of course, the drive dies. Fournette finally breaks a big run. Bortles takes off again! Fournette leaps over the pile — and the Bills stop him! Jags going for it on 4th and 1. THEY PASS?? TOUCHDOWN. Are his feet in? Yep. Jaguars lead.




Huge run by McCoy gets called back for a hold. Jaguars challenging a Bills catch on the sideline and they have a chance to win. Yep. Foot out of bounds; overturned. Bortles drops the snap and then runs for a first down. Taylor hasn't played well in the passing game but his receivers can't catch.
Did he get hurt on this sack? Oh man. He's still down. He walks off finally and Peterman is in.




He just barely avoids a sack and gets four yards for a first down on 4th and 3. Romo's really hung up on the 10-second runoff that ended up not happening. Isn't this grounding? It is, and that'll cost the Bills 10 seconds. And Romo just confirmed that they did run the 10 seconds off earlier. INTERCEPTION. OR IS IT? Can you overturn this? These guys can't. Game over.




McDermott is livid. Bortles ran for one more yard than he threw for. Seriously, Doug Marrone should be Coach of the Year. (Jaguars 10, Bills 3)

Funchess grabbed his leg after that incompletion. Let's keep an eye on that. He comes back for the next series, where a screen pass gets busted up. Cam takes off for 12 and a first down. Laser to Olson.
Field goal is wide right.




Brees finds Ginn, who breaks a tackle and you know how this ends. Like, I don't know who this guy who the Saints just tackled 50 yards downfield is, but Cam needs more talent out there than that. Gano makes this one. 7-3 Saints.




Oh. Ooooooh. That's bad. But Ingram's running like Peat's still out there. Kamara with a nice play after a screen. Now everyone's getting involved. Touchdown to Hill. Panthers pick up 4th and inches. Didn't they have this white kid four years ago under a different name?




Third-down pass to Dickson gets stopped well short. Field goal is good. 14-6. Brees stays throwing darts. Hill had to turn around to catch it and he did a good job to hold on. Diving catch by Michael Thomas at the Panthers' 2. He's down. FULLBACK TOUCHDOWN. Bencil gets tripped up. Gano from 58? GOOD. 21-9 Saints at the half. So while Stewart broke off that run down the sideline, Erin reported that one of the Saints' defensive players' wife just went into labor (!) He's not currently on the field. Cam with a bad pass that he got lucky wasn't intercepted. Throwing on 3rd and 2? OK, McCaffrey converts. That was impressive — Saints had everyone covered and still managed to corral Newton for a sack. Field goal is good, but suboptimal. UPDATE: Father-to-be will remain in game. More Ingram, and as Aikman said during halftime, the Saints' ability to keep the Panthers' pass rush at bay has been a tremendous help. FUMBL— Saints recover. That's grounding on Brees. Saints to try a 57-yarder. It's GOOD. UPDATE: Father-to-be's wife actually NOT in labor; father-to-be injured. Olsen keeping the ball moving for the Panthers. Wait. The Saints have a player named Bush wearing No. 25? Really? Touchdown Olsen and we got a game again.




Oh God. And at the worst possible time. They've got to take him to the locker room, right? Especially considering Derek Anderson is the backup. WOW. They just showed the replay and there's no way Cam saw dude coming. 




Yeah, Anderson's in on 3rd down and it's now 4th down. Brees with a big pass play to Thomas and the Saints are at the 5. Touchdown Kamara and the Panthers need Newton and a miracle, preferably in that order. Cam back. McCaffrey!!




Down to the two-minute warning, Saints have the ball, 4th and 2 on the Panthers' 47. What do you do? I don't hate a punt here (because Carolina's out of time outs) but I can see going for it (because Carolina's out of time outs). Why did the Saints do that? (Throw deep, not go for it.) And why did the Panthers do that? And was that reviewed?




Well, they got it. Ball at their own 31. Funchess gets to midfield. Then this Clay guy picks up 22. That's... that's not intentional grounding. Newton was out of the pocket. Fourth and 23? Saints win on a sack. Dear God. All of that was terrible. (Saints 31, Panthers 26)







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Monday, July 23, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Ribbons and Bows

So the NFL and the networks decided on... no Sunday night flex this week. That's unexpected and surprising and I'm not sure how I feel about it.


Signal Finder: DAL @ PHI, CLE @ PIT, CHI @ MIN (end), CIN @ BAL, CAR @ ATL

Can the Browns win? CAN THEY? Stevan Ridley's still in the league? Darius Heyward-Bey's still in the league? He just scored on an end around. Going into the break with Run DMC's "It's Tricky"? I see you, CBS DJ.
Landry Jones throws an interception as the snow starts falling. The Browns do nothing with it, of course. Juju and then Ridley gashing this Browns' D.
Fourth and goal from the 3 and the Browns HOLD? Turnover on downs! I'm amazed the Browns are able to punt here and didn't allow the Steelers to score. But the punt did go off someone's helmet, so.

Touchdown Steelers. First down Browns! Duke Johnson Jr. is their best back. Kizer throws a rainbow to Josh Gordon for the touchdown! Or not, as he went out of bounds at the 2. Johnson finishes it off. Steelers coming right back. Myles Garrett gets flagged for roughing the passer on 3rd down and Adam Archuleta is not a fan of the call. Touchdown Ridley on the next play. Then Kizer comes back with another good throw to Higgins for a 56-yard touchdown and we've got something cooking here.
They're reviewing this fumble, and I don't think it's a fumble. The announcers are talking about how there should be a time limit for reviews, and I thought there was one, or at least there used to be one. Call overturned. The Browns have "BROWNS" on their uniform pants? What the hell? Horrible tackling by the Browns on this Bryant play. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Is that a fumble or an interception? 21-14 Steelers at the half.
Touchdown Browns! WE'RE TIED! JUJU RUNS BACK THE KICKOFF!! THAT. IS. SO. BROWNS.

Kizer looks good on this drive, probably the best this year. If Josh Gordon's trustworthy, whoever eventually ends up as the Browns' quarterback has a straight-up weapon. Fumble! Gay swooped in and slammed the ball out of Johnson's hand. Haden almost had an interception. That's a very late flag on that hold. And that IS an interception.




Two minutes left and the Browns are DRIVING. Fourth and 2. Kizer's dead to rights, but he escapes... and Corey Coleman straight up doesn't catch it.




Man, I know the Browns have said that Hue Jackson's not getting fired, but I'm not sure 1-31 should be survivable. (Steelers 28, Browns 24)
Bad drop by Torrey Smith, who will be elsewhere next season. Then they go for it on 4th and 7 and don't get it. Cowboys go for it on 4th and 1, as they should, and Elliott gets shut down. Third series for Foles, and he throws an interception. (After dropping a snap before that.) Fourth series and he's just off. Misfiring everywhere.
Prescott come sup short on a third-down scramble. SUDFELD. That was a nice throw to Marcus Johnson that got wiped out by a penalty. What the hell, Donnie Jones? Were you not expecting to work today?

Fumble? Fumble! Nope — holding on the Eagles. Big catch by Dez but it's coming back. Seems like every four plays there's a penalty flag. Scoreless at halftime.



Has either team crossed midfield? For a brief second I thought Elliott was going to wind up for a halfback pass. Barner almost coughed up that punt, which would have been fitting. Smallwood in for the first time in about eight weeks. 20-yard run by Sudfeld gets by far the biggest cheer of the game. And then a face mask! WE'VE CROSSED MIDFIELD, GUYS. Aaand the drive stalls. They needed another first down for a field goal try and couldn't get it. Jones pins the Cowboys at the 1. SCORELESS AFTER THREE.



Cowboys finally reach Eagles territory. Eagles bring the blitz and Prescott beats it for a touchdown to Butler. Bailey misses the extra point. Cut him. Will Beatty with a hold. Some things never change. 4th and 2, why not run the ball? Bailey shanks the field goal attempt with 13 seconds to go. Launch it. LAUNCH. IT. Good Christ. (Cowboys 6, Eagles 0)

Freeman already having a better game than last week. Touchdown Falcons. Feels like Cam's already the Panthers' leading rusher. Not a lot going on now as both defenses have tightened up. I think the Panthers only have two first downs. Well there's a third one. Third and 23, nice work. Good job, Not Cole Beasley. Same long blonde hair and same jersey number. I've never seen him before and never will again. Touchdown Funchess. 7-7 at halftime. Ryan scrambling? OK then. Touchdown Falcons. Or not, as this is being looked at. Nope. They settle for three. Cam, what was that? I'm with Aikman; I can't figure out where that was supposed to go, either. Panthers aren't having a lot of things go right on offense, either. They're still in this game because they've managed to keep the Falcons out of the end zone, but it's tenuous. They need to capitalize on that Funchess catch. He did a good job reaching out and getting it from where it needed to be (and out of Trufant's reach). Bryant from 56. That was almost blocked. Good! That feels daggerish. Cam's latest look for Olsen goes high, and it's intercepted. That may do it.




Did they really bring in a New Audience just as the Falcons knelt for the last time? That's hilarious. (Falcons 22, Panthers 10)


I'M MIKE WALLACE. The Titans have won (Boooo. They need a better coach) which I believe eliminates the Chargers. Dalton throws an interception on the run, but defensive holding nullifies it. Bengals still alive. Fourth down. Caught! TOUCHDOWN BENGALS! 44 seconds left!




Ravens have all of their time outs. Sack by Dunlap, who's been wrecking the Ravens all game. Why throw underneath, though? Fourth and 14, complete to Watson... he's short. That's unbelievable. Bengals win.



And welcome back to the playoffs, Buffalo Bills! (despite throwing away a game with Nathan Peterman) crosses off Ravens (Bengals 31, Ravens 27)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. New England (13-3) — Was there ever any doubt?
2. Philadelphia (13-3) — Mulligan!
3. Minnesota (13-3) — Prep the pillows and mattresses
4. Pittsburgh (13-3) — Ruining the Browns always goes down smooth

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (4-12) — Welcome to the hot seat
30. Indianapolis (3-13) — That soon, I guess
31. N.Y. Giants (2-14) — And back to my point at the top: Todd Bowles outlasted Ben McAdoo
32. Cleveland (0-16) — Welp

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Friday, March 23, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Getting Off The Pot

IT'S 10 DEGREES. Keenum went to University of Houston, while Hundley's from Arizona and played at UCLA. Like there's anything else to do in Green Bay on a Friday other than shovel snow out of Lambeau. Forbath makes a field goal off a ridiculous angle. That's some college shiz. Harrison Smith didn't make the Pro Bowl? Odd. (Not that any of this matters.) Anthony Barr's... not popular in Green Bay right now. They replay the hit, which was late as hell but not dirty otherwise. It wasn't a shot to the head or anything. Late flag for pass interference on Hawkins. Is this a touchdown? It is. I wasn't sure if his left foot was down when he caught it but it was so let's go. Extra point is good. Dick Enberg tribute. Dude did everything. Hundley with a run for a first down after being handcuffed for most of this game.


I thought Nelson caught this. 12 men on the field? Eh, who knows anymore. Incomplete, but the penalty gives the Packers a first down anyway. Al speculating that Jordy might be hurt. Three or four plays later he comes off the field. Interception! So much for the Packers scoring there. Slow down. SLOW DOWN. Refs not doing a great job communicating. That wasn't a first down. Inconsequential punt leads to halftime. 10-0 Vikings. Hundley with another big run. The Packers' two biggest plays so far have been him running. McCarthy considers a field goal on 4th and 7 but decides against it, and Hundley's pass isn't close to anything.
Keenum looking for space — and finds it and someone named David Morgan for a first down. McCarthy apparently wanted to challenge this but didn't get the flag out in time. Good thing, too, because he would have lost, as usual. McKinnon gets knocked back. Dude lost like four yards. Field goal is good. Wait, the "Taken" show is still on? It should be noted that Hundley hasn't gotten too much help from his teammates. The Vikings have shut everything down. Packers go for 4th and 3 from the Vikings 13 because why not. There's no reason to believe this will work. And it doesn't. When's the last time the Packers got shut out? 


I'll elaborate on this using far more words. Mike McCarthy's a hack. We've known this for a long time but Packers management doesn't realize it still. It's a joke that Aaron Rodgers has only been to one Super Bowl. His game management has always been horrible, especially against the Seahawks, and especially in that 2015 playoff game that he botched both ends of. He's gone back and forth on calling the plays at least four times. He won't get rid of Dom Capers even though the league has clearly passed him by. (Kaepernick could walk off the street and put up 300/80/3 TDs on Dom Capers' defense.) That Brett Hundley looks so bad is a direct result of his inability to coach up guys and adjust his schemes. He's ridden Rodgers' otherworldly skills for his entire career (and even had Brett Favre at the end, if I recall.) You don't fire him because of this season. You fire him because this season exposes all of the flaws that he's had for several seasons.  (Vikings 16, Packers 0)

Signal Finder: ATL @ NO, BUF @ NE, TB @ CAR (end), LAR @ TEN (end), SEA @ DAL

I also think a Falcons win here technically eliminates everybody else, as they own all the tiebreakers. Julio in motion on the first play. Big run by Freeman but it won't count. Bad hold — as Davis pointed out, Freeman had already made the corner. Marcus Lattimore's been really good this season, as we see him defend Jones there. He knocked it down a bit. Oh, Michael Thomas is playing. Surprised since he came up on last night's injury report, as Burkhardt said. Saints kick a field goal. Never seen a running back get flagged for unnecessary roughness before. I still haven't seen what Freeman did. Saints abusing the Falcons with screens right now. Brees just hit 70,000 career passing yards.
Actual face mask on Freeman sticks the Falcons with 1st and 30. Now OPI. Falcons are fucking up.
Big fourth down pickup by Ingram. Brees with a bad handoff and they almost fumble it away. Fortunately, Ingram falls on it. Jones not in on 3rd down. Incomplete. No, INTERCEPTION! That was on Lattimore's butt for about five seconds and he eventually realized it and picked it up.


Davis referencing the Julian Edelman play from the Super Bowl. There's only 50 seconds left? This has been a fast game. Speaking of fast, Ted Ginn just lit the Falcons up. Touchdown. Kamara returning the second-half kickoff? OH SH— he's at midfield. Tipped by Ginn and intercepted by the Falcons! AND TWO PLAYS LATER THEY FUMBLE. I keep forgetting Manti Te'o's a Saint now. Freeman's having a terrible game. Touchdown Saints. Are those Marshawn Lynch's Skittles? Falcons trying everything. That's a great catch by Jones. Is this a touchdown? The ball may not have broken the plane even though he was in the end zone. Third quarter's over, so let's take some more time and see. Not a touchdown. So it's 4th and goal from the 1. This is the game, pretty much. Freeman runs it and gets NOTHING. Ryan gets sacked twice in a row, just avoiding a safety the second time. Then the Falcons get off a bad punt that doesn't even cross midfield. Touchdown Tevin Coleman. Where's he been all game?
The Saints nailing this year's draft cannot be discounted. The Panthers just took the lead. So Cameron Jordan is former Vikings tight end Steve Jordan's son. I don't think I'd ever heard that. (Saints 23, Falcons 13)

We go to Bucs-Panthers and Winston has just fumbled after a sack. He's FURIOUS. He's saying he recovered the fumble. Panthers clinch a playoff spot. He's STILL mad. (Panthers 22, Buccaneers 19)

Wait, Tyrod's back? The graphic for him is all rushing-oriented. Philip Dorsett lives? Way to not cover Gronk, Bills. And yet a good stand by the Bills to keep the Patriots out of the end zone. Whoa, what is this? The Bills letting Tyrod throw downfield? Who's the coach? Interception? Jordan Poyer? TOUCHDOWN BILLS. Foxboro just got real quiet. Putting one defensive back on Gronk? Good luck. He had to make a great catch, but that's a losing battle. Tied at 10. Another big pass play by Taylor.


Charles Clay just pulled a Jesse James. Touchdown Kelvin Benjamin? This is CLOSE. The longer it takes, the wore this is gonna be. Overturned. 


Bills kick a field goal to tie it at 13. McCoy doing pirouettes through the Patriots defense. What the fuck, Chip Kelly. Why is Mike Tolbert lined up in the slot? Bills should be given this fourth-down stop. Lewis didn't make it. Actually, looking at the replay now, I think he did. Who the hell knows. Pats have challenged this. And they've won. Field goal is good and we're tied again. Bills pass up 4th and 1 for a 50-yard field goal down seven and MISS. That was a bad decision that may cost them this game. Touchdown Lewis and the Pats are just pouring it on now. Hoyer's in the game. (Patriots 37, Bills 16)

We're already running Daytona 500 promos? Moose shouting out a Sammy Baugh punting record from 1940 that may still stand. That's how much faith they have in the Titans. (Rams 27, Titans 23)

Good God, Lions. That's a terrible loss. (Bengals 27, Lions 14)

So this one's easy: The loser is out. Zeke back. That's not a good punt, Jon Ryan. Tyron Smith already on the bench after one series. That IS A good punt, Chris Jones, and an even better play by Byron Jones to keep it on the field. There's Elliott. What's left of the Seahawks' defense is bearing down nicely here. No Tyron Smith probably helps that, but still. Bailey won't miss this. And he doesn't. Chris Carson's still the Seahawks second-leading rusher and he's been hurt since Week 4. That's a problem. Elliott moving the pile. Where the hell is Dez? Bailey banks one off the right upright. 6-0 Cowboys. This Cowboys front teeing off on Wilson, first with a knocked down pass and then a sack that loses 22 yards. Dez fumbles a catch and the Seahawks recover. That's the first play Byron Maxwell's made in four years. Wilson pulls off an absolutely SICK play fake into a bootleg and the Seahawks are in the red zone. Man, these games have been fast as hell today. Everyone must be trying to get home for Christmas. Two flags, one's DPI, and it's Seahawks ball at the 1. Davis fumbles but Wilson falls on it. Touchdown Graham. Prescott runs away from Michael Bennett (who hasn't jumped offsides yet!) for 15-plus yards. Pass to Williams puts them in field goal range, and Bailey hits it to give the Cowboys a 9-7 lead. Prescott throws a bad interception and that's a pick-six for Coleman, who then jumps into the Salvation Army kettle. Aikman thinks Dak overthrew Elliott after Coleman forced him to look off Bryant. Not the best two series for Prescott, who got sacked again. Field goal is good. Buck acknowledging this hasn't been the greatest game. The Cowboys are 12 points worse on defense when Sean Lee is hurt. Big catch by Dez, which we haven't said a lot this season. Dak intercepted again. That's a face mask. Touchdown Baldwin. Dion Jordan's back in the league? My God, this play calling down here is brutal. Like, Pete Carroll's having flashbacks. GIVE THE BALL TO ELLIOTT, YOU MORONS. I can't believe I'm excoriating the Cowboys to not do something stupid. That's unbelievable. Bailey in for a field goal. NO GOOD!! That's insane.


Not sure why Garrett's challenging this spot here. Offsides Bennett. You can set your watch by it. Cowboys bring Bailey out now, for some reason. He missed AGAIN. Wrap it up.
crosses off Cowboys (Seahawks 21, Cowboys 12)


They had such high hopes for this one. Clowney got Ben's arm just before he threw that. Field goal good. T.J. Yates? Seriously? Touchdown! Texans say no but that's not getting overturned (miraculously). Hey, the Watt brothers. Already forgot this was supposed to be J.J. vs. T.J. sort of.
Texans challenge this catch and... it's not a catch. So we're about to do some time traveling because that was the end of the quarter. Lamar Miller with a nice run after the Texans get the ball back. Yates has wheels? THEY CAN'T STOP ALFRED BLUE. Oh, wait, yes they can. Texans throw on 3rd, which means this going for it on 4th down makes sense. INTERCEPTION. WELL DONE. That's a forward pass that Bell just dropped. Martavis Bryant makes the catch and slithers his way to a first down. FULLBACK TOUCHDOWN. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I think Yates just dropped it; I'm not sure Cam Heyward even touched him. Boswell beat out Justin Tucker for the Pro Bowl? That IS surprising. Now Yates is walking off after that sack and someone names Taylor Heinecke is in at quarterback. That's a good punt. 20-0 Steelers at halftime. Now he's taken a shot. Yates back in. Not that any of this matters. (Steelers 34, Texans 6)

There's one poor soul shouting "CAVALIERS" in the middle of this "WARRIORS" chant and it's annoyingly hilarious. That's a foul. Van Gundy lobbying for replay to actually be able to be used on foul calls. But then games would take four hours. (Warriors 99, Cavaliers 92)

It's cold out. Who are these dudes with Hank? The Eagles' 8 defensive linemen all have more than 160 snaps, Gruden sez. Raiders go for it on 4th and 2. Eagles bring EVERYONE and Carr has to ditch it. Clement getting two short-yardage pickups. Eagles have done almost nothing but run on this drive after going three-and-out passing on their first one. There's a screen to Ajayi for a touchdown.
Carr underthrew Roberts and they're having a discussion about it. Not sure Roberts would have caught it anyway given the Raiders' year-long problems with drops.


Cooper just left Mills choking on dust with a double move. Gruden points out that the Giants did that all last week. Touchdown Raiders. Santa reference, but it took until the second quarter. Sack by Long but he may have been offside. He was. Roberts doesn't think he was touched down here... but he was. Another big play to Cooper, but it's canceled by offensive holding on the Raiders. Now we have another hold. NOW it's 3rd and 28. Gruden calls the Eagles' three-defensive end package the "NASCAR package" because of the speed involved. Ertz wide open. Raiders challenging that he wasn't down before the ball came out, but he clearly was. Call confirmed. Foles recovers from a bad snap to convert a 4th down to Ertz. Ertz then misses one in the end zone. Field goal attempt is... no good. The fans are... unpleased. 7-7 at halftime.
Great blocking by the Raiders on this run by Richard. Crabtree actually covered well by Mills and the Raiders settle for three. That's actually a hold on Lane. This game has ground to a halt. The Eagles' wide receivers have disappeared.
Interception by Patrick Robinson! Eagles ball and this may be what they needed. And they fumble it back two plays later. Nobody may score again in this game. And the Raiders fumble it RIGHT BACK. What is happening? Agholor with a catch. Foles has been not great tonight — that was a poor throw intended for Jeffery.
Elliott makes this one and we're tied at 10. Did Long not see the ball come out on that sack? Where's he going? Raiders recover but it's fourth down now. Also not having a great night: The Eagles' offensive line. Another bad snap. Feel like Wentz would have gotten away from that pressure. 
Neither team has pass-protected particularly well, either. Raiders field goal is... NO GOOD. Wait, what? WHAT? Jebus. Big run by Richard. Fumble? Not a fumble. FUMBLE! Eagles ball. The Eagles fail on yet another third down — they're 1 for 12.


Both Carr and Lynch get trapped behind the line of scrimmage. Barner muffs the punt but recovers. Lot of close calls on both sides tonight. No room for Ajayi to run. Eagles appear to be playing for overtime right now. Another 3rd down failure.
Eagles' front has been great tonight. Interception by Darby! He's still running but I think he was down. Officials say he was. That's clean. Agholor with two catches to get a key first down. McDonough reminds us that it's deceptively windy down there as the camera shows the flags atop the uprights not moving. Foles cannot take a sack. He doesn't, but it's incomplete. Elliott on. BINGO. One last chance for the Raiders, but the Eagles' defense comes through again, even blowing up the multi-lateral at the end and getting a touchdown out of it.
(Eagles 19, Raiders 10)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (13-2) — Let's never speak of this again
2. New England (12-3) — The clear class of the AFC
3. Minnesota (11-4) — The dream is alive
3. Pittsburgh (12-3) — A much needed tonic

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (4-11) — Should really be better than this, no?
30. Indianapolis (3-12) — So how soon does Pagano get fired?
31. N.Y. Giants (2-13) — It's all falling apart
32. Cleveland (0-15) — IT'S HAPPENING.


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Wednesday, February 28, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Handle It

"Kardashian?" Really, Lions? Tirico's as confused as everyone else. Stafford launches an actual rocket. AND MARVIN JONES CATCHES IT!! I'm shocked that wasn't picked off. Third and 1 from the 3 and the Lions are in the shotgun. Touchdown T.J. Jones. Little Rockettes action afterwards. Is this Kurt Warner in the booth? (It is.) Tarik Cohen! Out at the Lions' 12! But it's probably coming back. Official shaken up? So now the Bears will start from their own 10. This might be a fumble by Riddick. It is! 12 seconds left and the Bears have a chance to do something. Mike Nugent's a Bear? OK. Field goal is good and it's 13-3 Lions at halftime. Abdullah with some moves. Feels like all the Lions have are change-of-pace backs. Touchdown Ebron on a nice throw from Stafford — just enough touch and perfect positioning. Trubisky doing the best he can with these scrap-heap receivers. This is four-down territory for the Bears. They need a touchdown. That's an interception. Tate schooling dudes. Back-to-back sacks will put an end to that. Trubisky picks it up himself. Cunningham scores but it's too late. They kicked it deep? The hell?


There's that, too. (Lions 20, Bears 10)

Man, things change in six weeks. Muffed punt! WILD scramble. That ball went back 10 more yards. Chiefs come up with it, thankfully for them. Smith working on Kelce early. A Hill first down is taken out by a chop block. Chiefs get 14 back, then go for it on 4th and 3 from the Chargers' 35 and a pass to Hunt picks it up. Field goal is good. Tyreek Hill just killed Casey Hayward. I mean, he's dead. Gordon powers into the end zone. Extra point is no good. Smith came closer to getting stripped of the ball on that inside run than anyone wants to acknowledge. They need to go down the field. 52-yard field goal MISSES. Truman Museum B-roll. Gordon just slipped or something on that catch and run. Keenan Allen's been killing it the last six weeks. Touchdown Antonio Gates. That's never happened before. Chiefs should probably strike back here. Three tight ends and Hunt catches a touchdown pass. Rivers gets picked off by Marcus Peters. Gotta secure that ball, kid. Oh, he switched hands. OK. This is a good, patient runback. Rivers: "Where are you going?" Sounds like Williams ran the wrong route or something. Peters returns it inside the 10. Touchdown Hunt? No. Chiefs challenge. Call stands. Chiefs settle for three. Chargers fumble! Chiefs ball! That's their second turnover in about three minutes, and part of what powered their run back into it was protecting the football. Chiefs get another field goal and it's 23-13. Rivers under pressure again and he throws ANOTHER pick. He's on his back and so is Parker, who also recovered the fumble before. Hunt with a sidestep and a clear path into the end zone. Another pick and we're done here, and one step closer to Panthers-Falcons being the Week 17 flex. (Chiefs 30, Chargers 13)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NYG, NYJ @ NO, NE @ PIT, TEN @ SF (end)

Those two Eli stats against the Eagles (27 touchdown passes; 10-16 record) sum up his career against the Eagles pretty perfectly. Giants get the ball first. Smart double move call by Spagnolo and executed by Lewis. Giants running a quick pace. Holding on Mills cancels out a drive-ending sack. Touchdown Darkwa.


PAT is BLOCKED. Here's Nick Foles, with a nicely lofted pass to Jeffery to start. Foles with a Wentz-like move to avoid pressure. Did Jeffrey step out of bounds before that? Spielman sees what I saw. Call stands. You know who's good is Evan Engram.
Mills got owned on that touchdown pass. Not a lot of defense being played so far. Foles with a very late throw. Again, not a lot of defense being played so far as Shepard romps for 67 yards. 20-7 Giants. Hey, a stop. Pederson challenging this Smith incompletion on the sideline. I... can't tell. Call stands but Foles hits an open Ertz on the next play. Been a rough last few weeks for Eli Apple. Eagles go for 4th and 1. Handoff to Blount and that's not even close. Eli throws an interception right to Darby, and bad tackling by the Giants on the return. Ajayi just makes the marker on third down. Touchdown Ertz. BLOCKED PUNT. Jesus. NO ONE blocked Grugier-Hill. What the hell. Then Burton finds himself completely wide open in the end zone for a touchdown. He had time to light a real campfire.


This Shepard catch is a catch, guys. It's not even close. What the hell? And that personal foul on Bradham is the second call they've blown on this drive. Vereen clearly shoved him first. Eli misses Engram and that almost gets intercepted. Giants settle for a field goal. 23-21 Giants at the half, somehow. Two great catches by Jeffrey and Ertz on this drive. Elliott puts Philly back in front. There's your weekly big Ajayi run that doesn't end in the end zone. Touchdown Agholor! That's four for Foles.
Offsides on a PUNT? Come on, guys. This is close. Does King's right foot touch down on the sideline? Nope. Touchdown Giants after some crazy body control. Giants go for two and Eli gets sacked. Jones almost dropped the ball on that punt. Robinson down, and this isn't great. Good, he's walking off. You know who's been good today is Wayne Gallman. Field goal is BLOCKED. SPECIAL TEAMS. That was Jenkins. Ertz does a good job staying on his feet and converting a third down. Foles with a sneak after an Ajayi run. This is close. He just got it. Agholor left uncovered for another first down. Giants bottle up Ertz and Smith is tackled before he can score. Elliott makes it 34-29. Did Lewis catch that? Wow. FIGHT. Surprisingly, no flags because that was a donnybrook. Eli killing the Eagles with slants on this drive. Two minutes left. Giants run it on third and goal? OK. I mean, they need a touchdown anyway, but. I guess they wanted the Eagles to burn a time out? They go to Engram and that's overthrown. Giants want an flag for interference but that was uncatchable. (Eagles 34, Giants 29)

Big run by Ingram after the catch. Where did he go out? Great block by Michael Thomas. Shame they only got three out of that. Bryce Petty time! Is Christian Hackenberg just a complete bust or what? Ingram already with three catches. This isn't a touchdown. Call reversed. Ingram finishes it off. Jets? Jets! Touchdown! Oh, Kamara's back this week. You know who's good is Robby Anderson.
Interception Saints. Fumble! Three and out? Good job, Jets. This Thomas catch isn't a touchdown — his left foot is on the end line. Overturned. That's the second time today this has happened to him. And then the Saints fumble AGAIN and the Jets get it! And they fail to capitalize, as is their wont. Somehow they're still in this game. Finally, Thomas brings in a touchdown. (Saints 31, Jets 19)

The Jaguars just made the playoffs without a quarterback or a head coach. Anything really is possible. (Jaguars 45, Texans 7)



Appropriate: Teddy Bridgewater returns the same day the Bengals just up and leave. (Vikings 34, Bengals 7)

There's the first big Cooks catch. Touchdown Burkhead, which has been happening a lot in the last month. Antonio Brown for MVP? Steelers picking on Stephon Gilmore early. Eli Rogers beats Eric Rowe for a touchdown to tie it. Also it looks like Martavis Bryant is back in the Steelers' good graces. Brown with an uncharacteristic drop in the end zone. Brown being helped off to an "MVP" chant. Field goal is good.


Bryant beats Gilmore for the touchdown! 17-10 Steelers at halftime. Romo spots the Patriots' false start as it happens. Pass to White after it's 3rd and 6 comes up short. Pats going for it! 4th and 1 from the Steelers 19. GRONK. He then drops a touchdown on 2nd and goal. And there's a slant to Cooks for the score. Romo: "He thought about (running) and then he remembered he was 40." Extra point MISSES. Brady picked off by Vince Williams (Shazier's replacement). Bell manhandling Pats defenders on this drive. Literally, in that case. Touchdown Steelers! Patriots starting to pick up the pace in Steelers territory. Some bad overthrows here. They settle for three. 24-19. Sean Davis just dropped an interception. Next play, 26 yards to Gronk. Romo called this. Gronk again. Did the Steelers let the Patriots score there? Kinda looks like it? I dunno. Juju? JUJU! If he could have gone down the sideline he'd have scored. As it is, the Steelers have it at the 10.


TOUCHDOWN ROAD DOGG!! They'll review it. Why is this taking so long? They're reviewing control? The ball never leaves his hand! Oh, God, they're gonna overturn this. FUCK.






INTERCEPTION IN THE END ZONE. The Steelers can't beat this team.



Every fucking break. That's just gross.






(Patriots 27, Steelers 24)

How long is THIS kick? It's good. Garoppolo out here throwing darts. Gould up. IT'S GOOD. (49ers 25, Titans 23)

(Rams 42, Seahawks 7)

Fun fact: The Cowboys have NEVER been flexed OUT of a Sunday Night game they were originally scheduled in. The loser tonight can fuck right off. Were the teams just flipped for a second in the score bug? Sean Smith picks off Prescott. Raiders stall out. Bailey field goal is good. "Slow Hand"? Really, NBC DJ? Dak scrambling like a madman for no real reason. Touchdown Smith, eventually. Crabtree recovers his own fumble for the Raiders' biggest play so far. And they still can't score. Raiders' defense is playing well, though. Things starting to happen for the Raiders on this two-minute drill. I should mention no Amari Cooper tonight. Raiders lose their last time out. Touchdown! NOPE. OPI on Cook. Field goal is... no good! Went over the upright and out. Snap looked like it was slightly offline, too. So 10-0 Cowboys at halftime. Patterson doing what he does best — break kickoff returns. Too bad it's coming back. David Carr is STREAKING. He runs better than Prescott. Lynch sets up first and goal with a strong run. Touchdown Crabtree to finish off a 90-yard drive that didn't need to be. Interception! Smith high-steps it back for a touchdown. Wait, what? He may have been down by contact? Yeah, looks like it. Still Raiders ball. Looks like Irvin tipped the ball just as Prescott threw it. Field goal is good and we're tied. COWBOYS FAKE PUNT. Dude has wheels. More Prescott runs. And he finishes it off with a touchdown. Another big return by Patterson is saved when his fumble at the end goes out of bounds. Roberts with a juggling catch. Cowboys challenge this for some reason, but you never know anymore. Call stands. Touchdown Crabtree and we're tied again. Raiders challenge a spot... and win? Cowboys go for it on 4th and 1 from their own 40. Chains are out, and they're huddled around it.


My God, that's close. First down! Al and Cris are stunned. "I've never seen this." Dez with a really good leaping catch. Al: "High tech is now dead, is it not?" Morris is denied at the goal line... twice. Gotta kick this, right? Bailey's out. Good. That's an obvious DPI on Jourdan Lewis, and the Raiders pull out a do-or-die 4th and 10. Collinsworth suggests that Crabtree wasn't even trying to make the catch as much as draw the foul. Carr scrambles... and fumbles out of the end zone. It's a terrible rule — because the defense wouldn't get a fumble if it went out of bounds in the field of play — but it's a touchback. 


crosses off Raiders (Cowboys 20, Raiders 17)


RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (12-2) — Foles passes the first test
2. New England (11-3) — So. Much. Good. Fortune.
3. Pittsburgh (11-3) — Will they ever beat the Patriots again?
4. (tie) Minnesota (10-4) — Of COURSE Bridgewater would recover from a year-plus injury before Sam Bradford would
4. (tie) Jacksonville (10-4) — Seriously, this is amazing

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (4-10) — When's the last time John Fox was a good head coach?
30. Indianapolis (3-11) — Even Luck couldn't protect the sins of this roster
31. N.Y. Giants (2-12) — Unexpected chaos
32. Cleveland (0-14) — This is happening, isn't it?

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Monday, February 19, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Coming In Waves

That... was not a good sequence, Matt Ryan. And yet somehow he's going to bring the Falcons back. It just feels like it. There it is. Matt Bryant from 52 because of course. Deion Jones AGAIN! Dude just seems to live to make big plays against the Saints. Still, Brees probably could have waited on that one. (Falcons 20, Saints 17)

Signal Finder: MIN @ CAR, DAL @ NYG, GB @ CLE (end), PHI @ LAR

Interception? Neither side does this. Strange. Panthers stack their line heavily to the right. Touchdown Stewart! The whole O-line was to the right of the center and the Panthers just blew the Vikings up. That's a nice throw by Keenum to Rudolph for the touchdown. McCaffrey fighting for yards after a pitch and earns a first down. Stewart bulldozes through the Vikings' defense this time, twice, finishing in the end zone the second time. That Walter Payton Man of the Year uniform patch is exceptionally cool. There's also a helmet sticker for this year's nominees. Vikings almost gave away that punt. Olsen limping off yet again. Hmmm. Is Keenum down here? This is a booth review. They're gonna say he's down, so it's a sack. And his knee is down before he throws it, so yeah. Keenum then runs for about 14 on 2nd and 16. Laquon Treadwell with a critical catch, then he draws a pass interference penalty to get 1st and goal. Thielen's gotta catch that. Next play Mike Adams tips the pass away from Rudolph. Third time's the charm as Thielen jumps and hauls it in. He did juggle it but it never hits the ground. See, in a normal society, that's a touchdown. Overturned. Such bullshit. Vikings settle for three. How did Funchess get so open? Touchdown Panthers. Wait, what? They're saying Keenum fumbled that? Oh. Ohhh. That's closer than I thought it was. Panthers ball! Gano cashes in. Big-time sack by Peppers, who's 37 — also, the Vikings' line just collapsed. It's 4th and 9 and the Vikings may be stuck here. They punt. Ladies and gentlemen, Cam Newton. Stewart goes airborne! Touchdown? Touchdown!

That ball broke the plane before it was knocked out. Nantz recalling that Stewart did the same thing in Super Bowl 50, which he called. (Panthers 31, Vikings 24)

Tyrod's hurt. Also, this game is apparently being played on Hoth.



Gotta slide there, Peterman. I'm surprised it didn't just happen automatically in these conditions. Joe Webb in at quarterback. I mean, this is what we're dealing with:

Touchdown Colts! Go for two; dear Lord. Got it! WHAT?? The Colts just got robbed. You literally can't have pass interference on a 2-yard pass! SO now they have to kick it in this absolute mess. It's GOOD! PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Now Viniatieri's got another chance. HOOKS IT LEFT. OVERTIME. Are... are the Bills punting? On 4th and 1 in Colts territory in overtime? They're PUNTING? My God. They were fortunate to get that stop. 10 on the Bills was falling down and twisted around and still caught that. How can they see the flags in all of this snow? Hauschka out? Nope. McCoy! TOUCHDOWN BILLS! (Bills 13, Colts 7, OT)

ELI BACK. Also, the Giants fired Ben McAdoo last week, which is so out of character for that franchise that I'm wondering if they've been taken over by pod people. Giants out here with three offensive linemen, just on purpose this time. HEYO. Oh, he missed. Can't miss that. Giants DRIVING. Why call a draw on 3rd and 14? You're 2-10, for God's sake. Field goal is good after a penalty and it's 3-3. Whoa, nice stretch by James Hanna (backup TE) for a big play on first down. Bailey CLANGS off the post and it's no good! Cowboys straight up forget to cover Evan Engram. Is this a touchdown? Oh, OK, Davis just explained that Ellison wasn't touched, so he can roll into the end zone. Dez makes a catch against tight coverage, shakes off the defender, and strolls into the end zone. Tied at 10 at halftime. I mean, JPP may be washed, but you still should block him just on principle. Bailey misses AGAIN! What is happening? This is the third time that the announces have mentioned that Jason Witten warned them that the Giants would be extra inspired today in the aftermath of the firings. Apparently inspiration is finite, because Cole Beasley just lit them up for 54 yards. Touchdown Witten. Again, who is Rod Smith? That really got out of hand fast.


(Cowboys 30, Giants 10)

The Packers tie it, because these are the Cleveland Browns and losing this game is a fireable offense. Second straight overtime game for the Packers. Kizer... I have no idea what the hell that was. He panicked and threw up a horrible interception. Hundley finds Adams to convert a third down. Adams takes a pitch... and scores! (Packers 27, Browns 21, OT)

This is legitimately the biggest win for the Jaguars in, what, eight years? Too bad it was ruined by all that bullshit at the end. (Jaguars 30, Seahawks 24)

Who had this game being important before the season? YOU LIE. Sky is surprisingly clear. Look, this Goff-Wentz thing isn't going away. That's a pick? Geez. Yeah, clean catch after Agholor couldn't catch it. Gurley gets free for 30, then scores on the next play.


Clement breaks off a good gain on a well-blocked screen. Celek gets interfered with in the end zone, so it's first and goal. (No Ertz today.) Blount stuffed. False start cancels out a successful Wentz sneak.  Touchdown Celek. Flying V! Crowd not quite as pro-Eagles as it was for the Chargers game, but it's still pretty loud. Aikman just called them "San Diego." That's gonna be a thing for a few years, I suspect. That's a big DPI on Jeffery. Hollins drops a touchdown as the defender falls down. It's Webster, who got the interception on the first drive. Looks like he grabbed his Achilles. Cart's out. Wentz fires one into a covered Burton for a touchdown. Some expert spying on Goff by Patrick Robinson. Wentz looks like your classic immobile pocket passer and then he does stuff like that, scrambling around and making moves to find Jeffery. Ajayi with a trademark big run. Eagles go for it on 4th and 1 and Wentz... throws to Agholor for 18. He's picked up his game since pitching away the interception. Burton with another touchdown catch. That's three to the tight ends without Ertz. Bradley Cooper in the house! This defense is GOOD. And the Eagles are doing this with relative ease. Cooper Kupp with two nice moves to turn a short pass into a 64-yard gain. Bad throw by Goff and Bradham almost intercepts it. He had a man behind the defense but the throw wasn't high enough. Kupp reaches around the pylon and through Mills for the score. Cox folds everything up. Defenses starting to hold on here. Never challenge spots, but I'd challenge this one. This isn't even close. Flag is out.
Rams must now punt. Don't understand that delayed handoff call. Torrey Smith with the bailout, and Wentz's arm may have been hit on that pass. Eagles are over 300 yards of offense, but Wentz's protection falls apart and they'll have to kick. Good. 24-14 at halftime. Rams getting the drive they needed right now. Kupp again. Slant to Watkins for the touchdown. BLOCKED PUNT. TOUCHDOWN RAMS. You couldn't think this was going to be easy. That's what's known as a costly pass interference penalty. Wentz scramble for a touchdown is called back by holding. Touchdown Jeffrey! Eagles get the lead back. Wait, what? Knee injury? That sounds bad. And Erin saying that the support staff were shaking their heads REALLY sounds bad. The Eagles have time to run the ball more on this dive than they have been. Lot of penalties here. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. That's ex-Ram Chris Long with the forced fumble. This is... better? Not really. More penalties. Elliott from 54 is good — but the Rams get flagged for leverage, which is 15 yards and an automatic first down. Some strangeness later, Elliott hits from 33 and the Eagles regain the lead.
Gurley gets stuffed. Not sure about this decision to punt. 2:02 left after the punt, which is important. Eagles run the ball and Ajayi stays inbounds. Agholor with a big catch there. He hasn't scored but he's had a big game since the interception. Ajayi ALMOST fumbles at the worst possible time, but hangs on and stays inbounds. They still have to punt. Honestly, these might be the two best punters in the league. Rams try the multiple handoffs and Brandon Graham ends up with it and scores.
Division champs! Now... we wait. (Eagles 43, Rams 35)

This highlight package right here is the reason this game wasn't flexed out. (That, and Fox's slate was horrible. They protected Eagles-Rams like it was a cancer cure.) I'm just waiting for the Ravens to realize that Alex Collins is their best back and should be getting 20 touches. Danny Woodhead's back? I thought he blew his knee up again. What the hell was that throw, Flacco? Maclin was doubled and he underthrew it, leading to a pick. Offsetting penalties after the play, so it's still Steelers ball. Suggs actually shouted out Arizona State for the first time I can remember. The power of Herman Edwards! Bell with the touchdown catch. I don't need him scoring touchdowns. (It's a fantasy thing.)
Brown with a nice catch on the sideline. Brandon Carr stays getting roasted. Then he holds Brown on the next play and gets away with it. The other guy, however, does not. Touchdown Bell. Chris Moore (?) scores. Who is Chris Moore? Collins! Touchdown! They took my advice! Wait, what? The refs just said they wanted to review the Rogers catch (Why? It was clean) after the next play went off. What's going on? So, nothing then? Boswell field goal is good and the Steelers also decline a penalty. 20-14 at halftime. Collins does Irish step dancing? What? Somehow the Steelers let Mike Wallace get open. Wind indicator? Not sure I've seen that before. Justin Tucker laughs at your crosswinds, Heinz Field. Collins with another big run. Not sure they'd have won a challenge there, Cris. Allen takes it in and the Ravens are suddenly ahead. This playoff discussion just pointed out that we're in a world where the Jaguars having a first-round bye is in play. Another big run by Collins, then the Steelers get hit with a personal foul. Flacco almost threw another God-awful interception but Wallace bailed him out. I wouldn't have called that on Burns. Touchdown by the fullback! Nearly pitching that kickoff isn't going to make Bryant any friends. Collinsworth notes that the Bengals looked terrible today after last week's street fight. Ravens rookie Marlon Humphrey is Bobby Humphrey's son, which I suspect I heard at one point but forgot. Crowd is all over the refs for that unsportsmanlike call on Brown, and I think I agree with them. Ben incomplete to Bell in the end zone and both teams want a flag. Neither gets one, and probably neither should get one. Cris agrees. Boswell's kick is good. Facts are facts: the Steelers are really missing Shazier tonight.


Brown! Some great open-field running on that one after Ben changed the protection at the line. Brandon Carr is getting used and abused. FULLBACK TOUCHDOWN. Steelers go for two and there's DPI. Second try is... NO GOOD. 31-29. Steelers definitely not getting any home cooking from the officials tonight. Allen scores. 38-29 Ravens.
These Bell touchdowns are killing me. That's an excellent punt by Koch after a bad Ravens offensive series with two incomplete passes that took about 40 seconds. Steelers facing a 3rd and 13 and Road Dogg converts. I mean, if they're gonna keep Carr on Brown, I'm going to Brown every time. The Steelers have won three straight games on a last-second field goal? Is that a record? Ravens get pressure to save themselves. Boswell in and it's good with 42 seconds left. Roethlisberger's thrown for 506. 506!!! This Maclin injury just cost the Ravens their last time out. Maclin's... out of bounds here. Flacco gets run down by T.J. Watt and fumbles out of bounds. What? They ran the clock and the game's over? Wow.
(Steelers 39, Ravens 38)

I mean, at this point, we pretty much know Tom Brady's never buying a second home in South Florida, right? (Dolphins 27, Patriots 20)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (11-2) — ...So now what?
2. Pittsburgh (11-2) — This last-second victory thing is becoming a habit
3. New England (10-3) — That was... something
4. (tie) Minnesota (9-4) — All streaks end
4. (tie) Jacksonville (9-4) — They beat WHO?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (4-9) — Best Trubisky to date
30. Indianapolis (3-10) — Weather as a metaphor
31. N.Y. Giants (2-11) — Well, that didn't last
32. Cleveland (0-13) — Sure blew THAT one

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