Saturday, October 21, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Friendly Takeover




That should be at least a four-game suspension for Trevathan. But it won't be because Roger Goodell hasn't gotten a disciplinary decision right since... God, am I going back to Michael Vick, of all people? (Packers 35, Bears 14)

Signal Finder: NO vs. MIA, PIT @ BAL, PHI @ LAC, OAK @ DEN

Haven't these teams played each other in London before? Burkhardt isn't sure why Adrian Peterson's a Saint, either. The irony of his booth statement about Cutler is that Cutler was supposed to be his partner. Bad snap? Who wants it? Brees finally falls on it after losing about 12 yards. Then a delay of game penalty.


This may be the best the Saints have played defensively in about six years.
(Saints 20, Dolphins 0)



Reminder that Joe Flacco was terrible last week. Good first run by Alex Collins, who if you'll remember, was the kid who went to Arkansas against his mother's wishes, got drafted by the Seahawks but got lost in the shuffle up there. Flacco's insanely lucky that pass wasn't intercepted. Brandon Carr got a job? My God. You know who hasn't been great this season is Le'veon Bell. His new backup, James Conner, with a nice run. Steelers driving. There's Bell. This HAS been a long drive. At least they made the field goal. Antonio Brown's mad about something. Did Villanueva just headbutt a dude? How was that not blocked? Oh, he was offsides. THAT'S how. Why does Collins only have four carries when he's averaging 8 yards per? And as I think that, he fumbles. Steelers ball. This game feels really slow. That's not a touchdown. But this is. 13-0 Steelers. The Ravens can't do anything offensively. Martavis Bryant's finally back? Oh. Touchdown Smith-Schuster. They're going for two, which I'm surprised they didn't do last time. Nope. 19-0. Not quite sure what the Ravens are doing here. Speed up! Well, they've gotten Tucker a shot at this. Sixty-two? Why not. Nope. We gonna get a runback here? Joe Haden on the Steelers is weird.


Oh, they did call it an interception. The whistle shouldn't have blown, though. Ben throws into triple coverage for no apparent reason. Boswell... misses? That kick sliced hard at the last second. Alex Collins is the Ravens' best player (now that Marshal Yanda is out for the season.) I'M MIKE WALLACE. The Steelers should know better than to not cover him. Ravens going for two here? Interesting. They got it! Wait, they're reviewing this? Call OVERTURNED. Still 19-9. I'm not sure they got that one right. Crowd finally waking up. Flacco threw that right to Ryan Shazier, who plays for the Steelers. This offense still seems sluggish. But still better than the Ravens' as Flacco throws another interception on 4th and 12. This isn't a touchdown regardless. But this is. (Steelers 26, Ravens 9)

Wait, how was Powell not down? Did he trip over air? Big gain gets wiped out by a penalty. That's a good punt and a bad job of fielding it by Marquise Lee. Add a penalty and the Jags are at their own 3 with about 2:20 left. They gotta punt now. Somehow that penalty's on the Jaguars, and the Jets have the ball at the Jags' 25.


This kicker isn't the greatest. Remember Week 2 when the Cardinals had Phil Dawson?


Let's go. GOOD. Penalty? No penalty. Man, the Jets can't even tank correctly. (Jets 23, Jaguars 20, OT)

Why is Goodell here? To see this embarrassment in person?


Related: Because both L.A. teams are on FOX but it's CBS's doubleheader week, this game is being shown in L.A. on its MyTV affiliate. LOLZ. Eagles getting plenty of pressure — that's two passes that Rivers has thrown away already. And the same pressure forces a fumble. That pass to Agholor was in the only place it could be. Touchdown Jeffrey. Crowd is WILD. Rivers way off target. FAKE END AROUND. That was beautiful. Elliott makes it 10-0. The Chargers finally get protection and Rivers finds Allen for a big first down. And how does a defensive end end up covering Allen? Smallwood having a good game so far. Another field goal. Rivers throws a bomb to Tyrell Williams, who outruns Mills for a touchdown. Delay of game on the extra point? That's a good play fake to freeze the linebackers. Tough throw by Wentz for Ertz, but he was covered well. Elliott from 52. Good. Wentz's run on 3rd down falls short. Eagles going for it? Maybe not. Time out and they'll punt after all. Another big downfield play to Allen, and Bradham runs him down. Rivers really angry that they didn't get a pass interference call there. Field goal is good. 16-10 Eagles at halftime. Big play to Ertz to get out of the hole. Clement gets stopped short on 3rd and 2, so expect the Eagles to go for it here. Sneak gets it. Some odd play calls on 3rd and long in this game. We haven't heard much from Gates today. Schlereth now noticing the odd crowd reactions. Crowd is booing this pass interference call... against the Eagles. Stockton with the jinx — talks about the Chargers' running woes, then they break off a 35-yard touchdown run. Blount! Did he stiff-arm the same guy twice? A penalty against the Chargers gives the Eagles first and goal again AND a massive pop from the crowd.


A toss? Smallwood finally punches it in.


That's a catch and touchdown. The Chargers have been looking for Gates's successor for years. Maybe this Hunter Henry's the guy. Four-minute offense? Try SIX-minute offense.


That was really well done. (Eagles 26, Chargers 24)

Jamaal Charles back. Mario Edwards Jr? What are the Raiders doing? I'm with Romo; they botched that sequence. So now they have to throw this away to end the half? I'm sorry, what? Romo: "This is gonna look weird." It sure did. Not sure what's supposed to solve this defense. Looking at these replays, this isn't a fumble. Yeah, still Broncos ball. Carr down. Romo thinks he got a knee in the back as he went down, and his body twisted. EJ Manuel's in Oakland? That's a news flash. That was wild — Siemian had a pass deflected, five Raiders were tracking it in the air, and somehow Sanders ends up with it. Bad job, Jared Cook. BAD job. That pass has to be caught. Wow! Great leap by dude to intercept that and seal this win. (Broncos 16, Raiders 10)



What is HAPPENING over there? (Buccaneers 25, Giants 23)

This is the Colts' backup center who's down. They're on their third center and third-string quarterback (who wasn't even THEIR third-string quarterback) and it's Week 4. Baldwin just worked Vontae Davis for a big gain. I'm 50 percent surprised the Seahawks didn't get a touchdown there. This is a very important point — Brissett changed teams at probably the worst possible time for a quarterback. Good pass to the backup tight end. Avril down? That's a good punt. Lacy just barely got out of the end zone, then Wilson just barely gets a pass off before he gets taken down. Or does he? Colts challenge, and they probably should. That's a safety, guys.
So an almost-sack leads to Luke Willson gaining about 15 yards with the ball.
THAT was fast. Dude jumps the rout and it's touchdown Seahawks. Earl Thomas dropped another interception on a ball that should never have been thrown. Collinsworth was all "Don't do this."
Pagano got the free spin!

Now Carroll's challenging. This one'll be close. Nope. First down Colts. Nice run by Brissett into the red zone. Touchdown Turbin. Yeah, he's in. Going for two. Denied. Wilson on the run because he'll die otherwise. Is that an interception? Yes! Colts ball. Hilton with the stretch. Let's see this spot. (This isn't a challenge so I can't say "Don't challenge spots.") Got it by a nose. Touchdown Moncrief! Somehow the Colts have the lead here.


Why did the Seahawks sign Blair Walsh? NO GOOD. Michele Tafoya's a damn prophet. Walsh was back out during halftime working? And still missing? This could be a problem later.


Lot of flags on this drive. That's Richardson's second big catch tonight. Collinsworth pointing out that the receiver there could have drawn pass interference if he'd tried. Wilson! There's nobody in the middle of the field. I... think this is a touchdown.


That didn't take long. Touchdown Seahawks. So this is interesting: The Colts got called for an illegal formation on the PAT. The Seahawks accepted, the ball gets moved to the 1, and now they're gonna go for two. Someone forgot to cover Baldwin. I think that's the first time we've actually seen Jimmy Graham tonight. And now Wilson throws a bad interception. Field goal ties it. Don't worry, Al, I thought it was Lacy too until I realized it was a little too small to be Lacy. I mean, long dreads, 2 on the back of the jersey — it's an honest mistake.


Wait, what? Another touchdown? That's former Eagles bust Marcus Smith applying pressure. Wagner looked like Barry Sanders on that runback. Yeah, that's a fumble. Someone forgot to cover Luke Willson. Touchdown Seahawks. There's still nine minutes left? Who's this McKissick kid?


The following has never happened before:


This was actually the second one of these today. Texans 57, Titans 14 was the other one. (Seahawks 46, Colts 18)


RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Kansas City (4-0) — Doing everything right
2. Atlanta (3-1) — Though Sunday's hiccup was weird
3. Philadelphia (3-1) — We've been here before
4. Buffalo (3-1) — Well, here's a team I never expected I'd be putting here

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (1-3) — It's well past time for Trubisky
30. Cleveland (0-4) — This is going to take a LONG time
31. N.Y. Giants (0-4) — Basically the opposite of the Bills
32. San Francisco (0-4) —

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Thursday, October 12, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: One-Point Stance




Then this game happened. I'm not sure I'd call it "good", necessarily. But it was far more entertaining -- especially from the Niners' side -- that it had any right to be. (Rams 41, 49ers 39)

So my friend Rob pointed this out:

"No matter where one stands on anthem protests (and I always stand for the anthem myself) it is terrifying to me how many people, including apparently our POTUS, have no idea that the Supreme Court decision Barnette v West Virginia exists or that it is illegal to compel someone to participate in the anthem (and therefore, illegal to fire someone for refusing to participate)."

Colin Kaepernick hasn't hurt anyone with his protest. (Except himself, and then only financially.) Colin Kaepernick never said he didn't love this country. Colin Kaepernick never said he was protesting the military. Nobody even noticed he was sitting last year until after the second preseason game, and the only reason it came up then is because a reporter asked him about it and he made his case. So when our garbage fire of a president calls kneeling players sons of bitches, he's not just insulting Kaepernick -- he's insulting the idea that these guys are capable of caring about something other than themselves, and are actually willing to risk something to prompt discussion about it. What you're seeing today is NFL players banding together and saying, "No. We don't stand with you."


To deny the actual point of Kaepernick's protest is simply to deny reality. That's why those who oppose him twisted it into "disrespecting the flag" and "disrespecting the military"; to pit more people against him while ignoring the real issue he expressed concern about. Colin Kaepernick has (or, had) a platform. He had something he cared about. He used that platform in the best way he could think of to draw attention to that cause. Protests don't work if nobody can see them. Protests don't work if they don't make you uncomfortable. But at the same time, unless you're a racist cop who gets off on the idea of harassing, assaulting, or shooting innocent black people, this protest... isn't about you.


And since we've all decided to post up in each other's feelings about all this, I am wondering one thing: Has anyone asked the flag how it feels?

Let's stop making symbols more important than the things they (are supposed to) represent.

Anyway, on to England.


Are... are we sure Joe Flacco's still good? Also, the Jaguars should move to London. They actually win there. (Jaguars 44, Ravens 6)

Signal Finder: NYG @ PHI, PIT @ CHI (end), CIN @ GB

The Giants and Eagles on their respective sidelines, arms locked, while the NFL violates the hell out of the U.S. Flag Code. Corey Clement active and returning the kickoff. Eagles blew that punt by crowding Grugier-Hill and pushing him into the end zone. No McLeod, either? Did they challenge this? That was dumb. So was that Bradham face mask. That's a bad call on Robinson. So far Warmack's not an upgrade on Semualo at left guard. Giants go three-wide on third and 1, call a toss, and Jenkins blows it up. Buck also not sure about that play call. Eagles run on first down and the crowd cheers. Then he goes for 17 and gets a massive cheer. And again! See, Coach? See how this works? Fourth and 1 and the Eagles go for it from their 48. Sproles in, oddly. Wentz sneak! First down. GREAT blitz pickup by Smallwood, which saved Wentz and allowed him to find Agholor for a first down. Uh-oh, Sproles down. He walks off, thankfully. Wentz scrambling. Good catch by Burton on a high throw. Touchdown Blount. Or not, as he was down within a half-yard or so. NOW touchdown.




The Giants have wisely called a lot of quick throws for Eli, who won't survive behind this line. Interception! Man, Brandon Marshall's done nothing this year. Douglas had that all the way.




Clement gets a carry. Smallwood doing things. Fourth and 8? This one I'm less sure about, even though they're in Giants territory. The Giants call time out because they're not sure what's happening, either. They're doing this? Wentz misses Blount and gets sacked. Giants getting ahead of themselves. No one covered Shepard. Touchdown Giants and that's on Pederson and Wentz. Actually, I'm not sure this is a touchdown, either. Call reversed. Buck and Aikman think this is four-down territory and they're probably right. How the hell is THAT not a touchdown? These fucking rules, man. Buck lighting up McAdoo's play calling here. Darkwa STUFFED! And the Eagles defense bails Pederson out. This may be too much to ask of a rookie.


Tip? Interception! Ertz and Wentz combine to pull the Eagles out of a 3rd and 10 hole. That's interference. Wentz put a little too much on that for Ertz, who still had a shot to catch it, as Aikman said. Got THAT one, though. The way the Giants are playing, that might be ball game. Aikman criticizing the Giants' draft strategy, as they still have a bad O-line and still can't run the ball.


Fourth and 2 from the 12 and the Eagles stop them again. Giants almost forcing the ball to Marshall now, but it's working. That's great footwork by Beckham and that's a touchdown.




This is getting weird. Buck: "These officials now basically have to be dance judges." Then Collins forces a fumble by Ertz and the Giants get the ball right back. By the way, Cox and Hicks won't be back today for the Eagles, either. Another circus catch by Beckham and we're somehow tied. Not sure the Eagles should be relying on Clement in this situation. That was weird. Whistle blows right as Harris catches the punt but no one stops? Oh wow. That throw by Eli just blew up the Eagles defense. They're not catching Shepard. This is getting weird. That's the first time the Giants have had the lead this season and we're halfway through the fourth quarter of Game 3. Some decent grabs by Torrey Smith, then he draws a big pass interference penalty. Clement... Touchdown! Welcome home, kid. I thought they might get Beckham for that one, actually. Then they get Jenkins for one that's pretty easy. And Beckham's down? Cramp, maybe? Eli's 11 for his last 11? Wild. Wait, WHAT? They called the Giants' right guard for grabbing one of the Eagles so he can't get off the field? That's insane! (It's weird, y'all. And you know what that means.) Even Aikman can't believe it. Who's the Giants' kicker? Field goal is good. Eagles, with all three time outs, go back to the ground. Smallwood with some nice gains. Terrible face mask penalty by Jeffery. Elliott's kick is good and we're tied again. The Giants have to punt here. Torrey Smith back to receive it? That's interesting. Not a great punt. Jeffery picks one between two defenders and gets out of bounds with one second left. They're gonna try this, and why not. Sixty-one yards.

...

...

...

...

...

IT'S GOOD!!!!!






Real kickers do real things. (Eagles 27, Giants 24)




Oh. Oh, wow. I... I think that was a touchdown. Then this happened:



(Falcons 30, Lions 26)


This dude just ran through the Steelers like a hot knife through butter. Wait, they said he stepped out of bounds? I... don't think he did. Call stands. Then Jordan Howard takes care of the rest. This game didn't make sense. (Bears 23, Steelers 17, OT)

Wait, Case Keenum tore up the Bucs? CASE KEENUM? REALLY? (Vikings 34, Buccaneers 17)

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS!! Yes, that deserves exclamation points It's their first one this season.
If Adams didn't fumble this ball, he's lucky. And I'm surprised he's not injured because that landing was awkward as hell. Call REVERSED. Nice coverage, Bengals.


We're tied at 7. OK, this is my first time hearing Romo for an extended period. Two things: 1. I had no idea that's what his voice sounds like; 2. This analysis of the Bengals' new offensive coordinator having to simplify things for himself is something I'm not sure I've heard before. I think I'm in.
Nice coverage, Packers. Their defense is still bad, apparently. Flea-flicker! PICK-SIX FROM RODGERS. (Not on the flea-flicker.) Dude jumped the route and took off.


Ty Montgomery's still a running back. Wears 88 because he grew up a Michael Irvin (who wore 47 in college) fan. Rodgers outran a D-lineman who was chasing him down and got the first down. But he didn't outrun those guys. This Murphy kid is getting used and abused. Did the Bengals just hand the Packers three points with that muffed punt? Oh, it's halftime. Never mind. You CANNOT give Rodgers that much time. I'd blitz these two replacement tackles every damn snap. The Packers got Ahmad Brooks? Huh. This Jones kid on the Packers has been wreaking havoc all game.




Did Marvin really use a challenge on a "12 men on the field" call? Did that happen? Nelson CAUGHT that? And it WASN'T intercepted? That's nuts. Tie game.


OT coming. Rodgers is 0-7 lifetime in overtime games?


A timeout before the first play of overtime? That's so Bengals. GERONIMO! Well, that's two things crossed off the list. (Packers 27, Bengals 24, OT)

Wait, JPP's in the SNF opening in 2017? R's standing, some kneeling, arms locked. Snyder with them, which is shocking. Raiders sitting, arms locked. You knew the Raiders would do something, while I can't believe the R's did. Carr goes deep and gets intercepted. Oh, they're saying he's down? OK. Chris Thompson might be their best running back. Touchdown. Another interception. The Raiders need corners. Touchdown Vernon Davis, who's still around. That's a... generous spot. Booth review coming, because that was some home cooking there. Yeah, they moved it back. Fourth and inches. I don't understand why teams don't just snap the ball if the hard count doesn't work. 14-0 at halftime.


Thompson gets free again. Wait, wasn't he down? Raiders are challenging and they should (and do) win this. Holy hell, Josh Doctson just worked that dude. Touchdown.


Collinsworth is surprised, as I am, that the Raiders offense has done nothing tonight. On cue, Swearinger stuffs Lynch and Carr gets sacked again. Big punt return by Crowder. Too bad Hopkins missed. (It's not really that bad. ;) ) Now it's Kerrigan's turn to stuff Lynch. Crowder muffs the punt and the Raiders get it. Jared Cook gets free and scores. Three touchdowns off of turnovers tonight. OK. Chris Thompson might be their best PLAYER. Goodness. Raiders lucky to only give up three. Crabtree takes a shot and drops a third-down ball. FUMBLE! Raiders ball again. Carr almost just threw a third interception, and that dude would still be running. Why not run it once? Who was THAT to? Raiders forced to settle for three here as there's still time left. Washington counters with another field goal. Raiders now looking at 4th and 23. That ended predictably. This "effects of the protests" discussion went absolutely nowhere. Do they even have a backup quarterback? Now a brief Vegas interlude which basically amounts to "If you build it, they will come."


(Redskins 27, Raiders 10)

And to put an exclamation point on the overriding issue:






It never was. It. Never. Was. (Cowboys 28, Cardinals 17)

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Thursday, September 28, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Bouncing Bad

THIS! IS! THURSDAY! NIGHT! FOOTBALL. And like I said last week, this game's probably gonna suuuuuuck.


Heh. "Feels like." Texans out here with no real tight ends tonight. Joe Mixon just worked J.J. Watt. Dalton overthrows LaFell, who would have dropped it anyway. Crowd BOOS. Texans starting to chip away with some yards here. Geno Atkins waited a second and a half and just owned everybody on that sack. AND WATSON GETS THEM RIGHT BACK. Touchdown Texans! Collinsworth: "That's the undefined." Even the defensive players are giving him love. Eifert getting yards. Good two-minute drill by the Bengals now — it's like the Watson touchdown woke everybody up. Not the best throw into a double-covered Green. Bengals settle for three. Oh, it's Watson's birthday? Nice.
Was he inbounds? Oh, he was. Nobody was quite sure. Man, Collinsworth has Jeremy Hill's bags packed. (And he's not wrong to do so.) Big stop by the Texans here. Bengals going for it on fourth and 2 from the 19. Hill over the top! FUMBLE? No, down by contact. Touchdo- er, no. Official's hat means he stepped out of bounds first and he probably knew it. Bengals settle for three again. 10-9. At least they have points this week. This thing Watt pulled off was amazing, and Collinsworth is right: Watt locked up the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award before the season started. It took Cody Bellinger longer to win NL Rookie of the Year. Big gain by Eifert. Oh, wait, a costly drop by Brandon Lafell? That's never happened before.


Massive blitz by the Bengals stuffs the Texans down here. Shane Lechler's still a beast. Adam Jones commits a touchdown-saving penalty because he was BEAT. He and Hopkins have been scrapping all night, and Jones got Hopkins finally. OPI's gone from one per week to one per game, it seems. Is Watson gonna get this one, too? Nope, but they're definitely in field goal range now.


Kick is good. Who moved first? Refs stay Bengals. Fourth and 9. NOPE. Trickeration! And Watt straight up kills the Bengals' center. And the Bengals still don't have any home touchdowns. (Texans 13, Bengals 9)

Signal Finder: PHI @ KC, OTT @ MTL, NYJ @ OAK, AZ @ IND (end), DAL @ DEN, WSH @ LAR

Reid with extra time to prepare is frightening. It's jarring to see Alex Smith going down the field. This drive looked like it was sure to end in seven. Jesus, Fox. At least put the logos in the go-to-commercial score box. Just green and red squares. BORING. Eagles also start quickly. Smith slipped or he probably scores. Great route, also. We've already seen more of Jeffery than we did all last week. Oh, right, no Eric Berry for the Chiefs. Didn't the Chiefs' drive end the same way? Sure did. Welcome to the show, Jake Elliott. 3-3. Also also, this is either the first or second Kelce brothers' meeting in the NFL.


The Hill catch and then the Hunt catch in traffic. Game of inches, man. Smith just overthrew a sure Hill touchdown. McLeod's hurt? That's... potentially bad. Rookie CB Douglas on Hill now and he greets him with a solid tackle.


Torrey Smith's gotta start catching those. Dee Ford with another sack.


Charles Davis with an interesting hypothesis that the Chiefs were worried about the hits Alex Smith has taken (and he's taken a few). Basically saying that the Chiefs wouldn't have thrown on third down if they thought he was hurt. Really, both defenses have been better than the offenses so far. NO SPROLES FUMBLED THE PUNT. Chiefs ball. Another Eagles sack. They hold the Chiefs to a field goal. A run? OK, Doug. Ertz catches it off the bounce! They're in field goal range! But he misses. That's why the Bengals cut him. 6-3 Chiefs at the half. Torrey caught that one. The Chiefs fans want a flag on Jernigan's tackle on Hunt but they're not gonna get one. Alex may not survive this. Hey, the Eagles ran the ball! Um, that's a touchdown?  Pederson challenging this Jeffrey catch.


That's a touchdown. Extra point is good.


DeAnthony Thomas just made a mistake. Alex Smith takes it himself and I guess he's feeling better. Hunt just blew up. Elliott ties it from 40. That tipped interception was the second tipped pass in a row. Oh, that was off the guy's helmet? Sheesh. Alex Smith somehow escapes another sack and gets a first down. Jesus. Travis Kelce has jumped over three guys on this drive, including two to score that touchdown.


They've found Hunt this second half. He posted up to get that last touchdown and that feels like it. Bennie Logan with the sack and that might be it. Or not. Touchdown Agholor but it's too late. OR IS IT? ONSIDE KICK RECOVERED. Hang on, people. Great play by Trey Burton. Gota be a Hail Mary here, no? It's up... and nada. (Chiefs 27, Eagles 20)

Me, last week: "Brady could go for 600." Well, 447. That's still a beatdown. (Patriots 36, Saints 20)

Ryan Lindley? THAT Ryan Lindley? Things are dire in Canada. TSN/ESPN2 has apparently lost its video feed here. This dude just took a missed field goal 112 yards for a touchdown. Montreal's benched its quarterback. Was that former Rutgers and Guy The Patriots Cut Super Bowl Week wide receiver Tiquan Underwood on that two-point conversion? Hm. (Redblacks 29, Alouettes 11)

Remember overtime is down to 10 minutes. HONEY BADGER INTERCEPTION. Can't throw that pass, Brissett. So Phil Dawson got got by the kicker-freeze time out earlier? Also, Phil Dawson's the Cardinals' new kicker because the kid they had last year stunk. Got this one. (Cardinals 16, Colts 13, OT)

Jared Cook's a Raider? Oh. Touchdown Crabtree. Jets doing nothing of note. Lynch's backup with a big run here. Touchdown Crabtree. That's a terrible unnecessary roughness call on Irvin. Del Rio's still mad and he should be. I recognize no one on this Jets offense. Wait, that's not true... I Know who Jermaine Kearse is. Touchdown Jets. Muffed punt! Raiders ball! Oh, Jets. Lynch three times and it finally works. Richard with another long run and this time he hits paydirt. 35-13. TANKING. Is CBS just showing random pictures of kids now? Oh, it's Fouts. OK. (Raiders 45, Jets 20)





That's two weeks in a row this kid's missed a field goal at the end. (Dolphins 19, Chargers 17)



Is Buck trying to get "Glad you're with us" over? See, I know I'm going on about this again, but the Cowboys and Broncos in the score bug are the SAME COLOR. Reminder: The Cowboys' defense still isn't great, or even good. Sanders with two good catches on that drive, including the touchdown. Is that rain?McManus misses? Huh. "Inclement weather?" I guess that was rain, and there was a lightning strike or something. Look at Pereira breaking down the weather delay situation. Bonus coverage?

Yep. Washington-L.A. The Coliseum is huge and the StubHub Center is so TINY. Washngton already running the ball better than last week. Hey, Aaron Donald showed up! And he almost took that pitch for himself but Thompson got it and scored. Remember when the Rams' defense was good? What's going on right now? Big play from Goff to Everett. Touchdown Gurley? Touchdown Gurley.
Someone else hurt for Washington? (Redskins 27, Rams 20)




We back. Prescott takes an awkward tackle and the Cowboys will punt. Siemien sacked and fumbles! This isn't a touchdown. Or is it? If they're saying the first guy didn't have possession when he went down, then it would be a touchdown. But it's not. Dez cashes in. Wait, that's the second time Nolan Carroll's been hit in the head by a teammate? A shame Fowler couldn't haul that in. We got a leverage call against the Cowboys here? Yeah, that's against the rules. So the field goal comes off and it's a first down. Anderson put a sick fake on Heath and got open for that touchdown pass. Oh, man, this is the Broncos' first-rounder? Rough. Is... is that Siemian's fourth touchdown pass? This Cowboys defense is BAD.  This Broncos defense, meanwhile, is GOOD. Elliott's done nothing today. Dez has to catch that, but Harris does and that's a turnover. Touchdown Anderson.


Buck: "We have our first Riley Dixon sighting. He's the punter for the Broncos." Later, the Cowboys punt on 4th and 3 down 18 with 11:45 left.


Aqib Talib with a pick-six. People are going to take all the wrong lessons from this game. I can see it now. (Broncos 42, Cowboys 17)


Let's open this roof.


The other big feature here is this ring scoreboard/video board that circles the stadium, the one with Samuel L. Jackson currently talking on it. Was Austin Hooper stoned for his intro shoot? This Packers secondary may not have a chance against Julio Jones. Touchdown Freeman on a dive. Wait, was that...


The Packers are missing both regular tackles, it seems. Handoff to Cobb. Rodgers to Rodgers as the tackles get some help. Montgomery somehow ended up completely uncovered and takes it inside the 5. Touchdown! Even Eric Weems is getting in on the act. That's frightening if you're a defense. OK, so Clay and Jake are cousins. I can never keep all those guys straight. Touchdown Freeman.



"Our House" by Madness into the break. DJ is killing it tonight. Tevin Coleman is fast. 17-7 Falcons. Do all the Falcons linebackers wear numbers in the 40s? Did Adams just lose track of that one, or...?
Trufant picked that off? It looked like it was 100 percent going through his hands. Wait, I missed Nelson getting hurt? Falcons in good shape. And now in great shape. Touchdown Coleman and it's 24-7. The unsportsmanlike conduct penalty applies to coaches, too? GET TOSSED, MIKE.


That said, seeing the replay of the pick call on Bennett, he's right to be upset. So what's this? They call it a backward pass, which makes this a Falcons touchdown. And if it were a lateral, it would still be a touchdown. That is RIGHT down the line. Call stands.


Gotta secure that ball, Montgomery. Oh no, Geronimo. That was a touchdown. Seriously, McCarthy? Taking the field goal early in the third down 24? Oh, NOW you go for it. SURE.
Adams rolls into the end zone possibly. Yeah, that looks good. Now, do you go for two here if this is a touchdown? It is, they go for two, and they... don't get it. Now nobody seems to be playing with any real urgency. Adams fights for the end zone buy doesn't get there. Touchdown and suddenly it's an 11-point game. Hmmmm.


RUN THE BALL, FALCONS. Good job. You can throw it if you throw it to your best guy who can catch it. That guy, of course, being Julio Jones. Oh, that's right, Steve Sarkisian somehow ended up with the Falcons. Just burn the clock. Just burn the clock. OK, I think we're out of the woods. (Falcons 34, Packers 23)

That's a bad throw by Eli that deserved to be intercepted. Yeesh. Also, this O-line is still bad. SPECIAL TEAMS. I feel like the Lions are historically a bad road team, so this was probably good. (Lions 24, Giants 10)

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Thursday, September 21, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Under The Wheels

And we kick this sucker off with the only good Thursday Night game we'll have this year. And even I'm not sure how good this one's going to be. With no Spencer Ware for the Chiefs, who's next? A rookie named Kareem Hunt, who fumbles? Ouch. He never lost a fumble in college? That's impressive and also doesn't explain this. Mile Gillislee already paying dividends.



That's a perfect pass by Smith to Hunt and the Chiefs... lead? Alex Smith out here doing his best John Elway impression. Also, the Patriots suddenly can't do anything.

You know it's serious business when Musberger's getting loud. This isn't the first unexpected beating the Chiefs have put on the Patriots, either.


"On to New Orleans." NEW ORLEANS? Dear God, Brady could go for 550. (Chiefs 42, Patriots 27)

Signal Finder: PHI @ WSH, IND @ LAR, AZ @ DET (end), SEA @ GB






BECAUSE THEY'RE TANKING. (Bills 21, Jets 12)

That was... unwise. Man, that new Fox score bug is boring. I'm convinced that these teams aren't that far apart, and that the Eagles have been on the bad end of matchup problems more than anything else. Pryor lost that ball in the sun or something, yeah. Bradham damn near had that picked. Should have caught it.


Man, both teams airing it out on the first play. Norman almost intercepted THAT.


Place is LOUD. Nice elusiveness by Wentz. Agholor! TOUCHDOWN! Wow.


That's a good screen from Cousins to Grant. FUMBLE. Looks like Cox knocked it out. Agholor suddenly looks like an NFL player. I don't know what happened. What was THAT? Washington ball after what might have been the start of a WR pass? Maybe? Wentz threw it high and Agholor couldn't corral it. Pryor struggling with tracking deep balls so far. Also, Cousins has been long on quite a few of these throws. Who is #41? Oh, it's Darby. I thought he was #35? Fine. Who jumps to field a punt? Washington having trouble catching the ball all around. Eagles get it back after a three-and-out. Why is Wentz elusive? Fun fact: Zach Ertz led the Eagles in catches last season. Wentz has lofted a few throws, too. Wouldn't expect Blount to be the guy to catch that pass but touchdown Eagles. OOPS. Wait, did they not go to commercial after the extra point or was it just so fast that I missed it? Darby's hurt? Uh-oh.


Reed did not make it. Did he slip on the way back? No, he just kicked up some dirt. That's a good punt. Hey, an Alshon Jeffrey sighting! We're only halfway through the second quarter. Kerrigan with a pick-six on what looked like a bad throw by Wentz. It was tipped? Hmm. Did they just change that penalty? I don't remember the last time I've seen that. Wait, Fox hired Blandino, too? Neither offensive line has covered itself in glory so far. Seems like Chris Thompson always hurts the Eagles — that was three missed tackles on that touchdown. I'm also not a fan of the time out indicators below the team names looking like the possession bar. Peters has a groin injury? That's a point of concern. Big V's brothers are named Kevin and Will? Who'd he piss off? What are they looking at? Oh, that's probably a catch. I can't say for sure it's not. Call stands. Sturgis from 50... GOOD. 16-14 Eagles at the half. Smith finds an opening for his first catch as an Eagle. Junior Galette lives?!? Rather take the five yards than burn a time out this early. That fooled no one. Field goal good. Jernigan with the sack. Another sack gets... negated by holding? Bad job, guys. Pryor caught a pass finally! Cousins has been their best runner on this drive. Then Long whiffs on a sack and the drive continues. Nice tip by Jalen Mills, which may be the first actual good play of his career.


This should be grounding. There it is. What took so long? Jeffrey almost caught that, and that's his specialty. He probably hangs on if it's single coverage. That's a bad penalty. Interception Mills! And Washington won't get anything out of this. Smallwood caught that? Oh. We've had a LOT of misses on deep passes in this game. Ertz just saved Wentz. What was with that screen pass? The Eagles didn't score, but they took five minutes off the clock and pinned Washington at the 1. Did they really throw three straight passes from their own 1? And I just complained about the Eagles' play calling. OK then. It's weird that the Eagles have runts much play action without running the ball so much, and Jeffrey was pretty open there. Going for it here? OK. I'd move Blount up a couple yards — he's constantly seven yards behind the line of scrimmage. Ah, Pederson changed his mind. Kick is good, 22-17. All right, Cousins. Fumble? FUMBLE! BIG MAN RUMBLING. This... might be an incompletion, actually. OHHHHH. That surprised ME.


The Eagles will certainly take it, though. Eagles fans doing some traveling.


FINALLY they beat those guys. (Eagles 30, Redskins 17)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Especially considering how it started:


(Steelers 21, Browns 18)



Also, is Watt already hurt? Jesus.




WATSON'S IN. The under wins handily. Somehow, the Texans didn't. (Jaguars 29, Texans 7)

That's a truly terrible interception, Matt Stafford. Good bounce back, though. Pick-six? OK. Boy, did this flip in our absence. (Lions 35, Cardinals 23)

Is it a problem when your No. 2 announce team is better than both your own and your primary broadcast partner's No. 1 teams? (And I like Buck and Aikman more than most.)


Wait, the Rams brought in both former Bills starting WRs? Scott Tolzien starts for the Colts. And that's an inauspicious beginning. Terrible underthrow.


Wait again... neither of these guys has won a start? The Colts have an undrafted rookie free agent starting at center, too. Is Aaron Donald still holding out? I don't see him out there. (Ed: He was.) You know who's still good is Frank Gore. That's not a touchdown? I might have challenged that. Two Colts receivers collide and Trumaine Johnson (who had the pick-six earlier) drops another one. Colts settle for three. Eagle: "Goff just filled the Kupp." Don't do this, Iain. Touchdown Todd Gurley. Did he score any last year? Listen to ex-Colts punter Pat McAfee break this down:


My goodness. Goff looks like a professional. And the Colts don't.


I didn't know Vontae Davis was out, too. Fourth and 7? Down 24-3? Might as well. Nope. Legatron lives. 27-3. My. God. And now Viniatieri missesd. It's over, isn't it? Well, it is now. That's an interception for a touchdown by LaMarcus Joyner and it's 37-3.


Damn shame CBS doesn't have another game to switch to here. Jacoby Brissett in, who's been here less than a week. I just realized that with Luck and Davis hurt and Donald still holding out, this game is missing its three best players.Touchdown? Touchdown! Viniatieri misses AGAIN? It's over. SAFETY DANCE. (Rams 46, Colts 9)

This just in: The Seahawks' offensive line is still garbage. The Michael Bennett anthem protest just reminded me that Martellus is on the Packers (and they showed him on the other sideline with his fist raised) Delay of game after a penalty? Sweet. Interception? BIG MAN RUMBLING. TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS. Flags? Rodgers is PISSED. OH WOW. No touchdown and Jeremy Lane just got thrown out. This is also an Eddie Lacy return to Green Bay, and that's him on the carry and looking smaller. Don't see a punch on the replays of the Lane-Davante Adams altercation.
That was almost intercepted too. I should point out that there has been no scoring yet. The Seahawks offense has looked terrible. First quarter: Cobb. Second quarter: Adams. Still no points, though.


Clay Matthews and the Packers defense absolutely blew up the Seahawks on that one. I'm amazed Wilson got that pass completed, even if it was for a loss.


Sheldon Richardson's been a Seahawk for like a week and a half. (I just remembered the Jets traded him, too. TANKING.) Rodgers throwing into double coverage, for some reason. That Baldwin catch gives the Seahawks a chance to do something here. Wilson for 20 or so. (29, actually.) The Seahawks may have just tripled their total yardage on those last two plays. Are two guys supposed to be in the same spot there? For some reason the Seahawks replaced Steven Hauschka with Blair Walsh. Field goal is good. 3-0 AT HALFTIME. Fumble! Packers ball! I thought Montgomery was changing his number. Guess not. Touchdown Packers. Wait, it's first and goal for the Seahawks? Lots of contact down there. No flag? Hmmm. That ball's probably catchable. Now 7-6. Rodgers may be the Packers' leading rusher. Lot of Seahawks going down to the turf recently. Which makes it somehow ironic that the Packers may have caught them with 12 men on the field on that touchdown pass. Nice throw, too. Bobby Wagner's good, but asking him to cover Nelson is too much to ask. Is Baldwin the only Seahawks wideout with a catch? That's... not really a horse-collar. Settle down, Cheeseheads. There's also been no score crawl on Fox during this second half, at least. It's all been fantasy stats.
If Rodgers slides, none of that happens. (Packers 17, Seahawks 6)

The hell are you wearing, Carrie? This year's opening is... shorter? All righty then. Plus one for instrumental anthems. Jaylon Smith is back! Good for him, seriously. Bush 43 in the house. Do the Giants still have nine running backs or did they cut down this year? "Justin Pugh, Council Rock High School South." Look, I don't blame him for not claiming Boston College.


Seriously, why is Cole Beasley good? Great catch and concentration by Butler. Jump ball to Dez? Nope, only got one foot down. Why aren't you running the ball, Cowboys? Dan Bailey won't miss, though. The Giants can't block anyone.




Although, given how clunky these talks have gone in the past (particularly with Collinsworth) maybe it's for the best. Witten just broke Irvin's team receiving yards record. Peyton in the house. Not sure who actually came up with that, and it does look like Garrett was talked out of this challenge. Wait, there's a roof here? Good looking out, Sunday Night Football DJ. Collinsworth talking about using Beckham as an actual total decoy. Touchdown Witten. Collinsworth talking about how the Giants need to get first-rounder Evan Engram involved in the offense. it would help if he or anyone else could block.


Wait, the Cowboys got the ball back already? Scrambling here. Do they run another play? They could... but they won't. Bailey FG is good and it's 16-0 at halftime.


You know your offensive line is bad when the Cowboys are getting pressure with four. Hey, the Giants are putting together a drive here. And Eli gets sacked. That was a long way to go for that. Dez carries Landon Collins about 20 yards downfield. Just saw that Don Ohlmeyer, who is responsible for a lot of this, has died. Guy produced Monday Night Football. And they just found out in the booth.
Rough night for Eli Apple as he misses an interception and then Beasley circus catches one on him. He caught it off his own back! What IS that?


Well, Eli just threw a pick. That's 18 in a row for the Cleveland Indians. And that was less of a slog than this. (Cowboys 19, Giants 3; Indians 3, Orioles 2)


Wait, Hank Williams Jr. is back? And who are these other dudes? This return to Minnesota isn't going as well as Adrian Peterson hoped. Why are they running play-action for him? He's never been a pass catcher. You know your defense isn't good when Sam Bradford lights you up. (Vikings 26, Saints 9)


Now we have two African-American coaches making their debut against each other. Not sure this is Rex Ryan's forte. Boy, the Broncos tried real hard to lose this game, but the Chargers wanted it just a little bit less, it seems. (Chargers 24, Broncos 21)
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Sunday, September 17, 2017

Fearful Forecast 2017: NFC

NFC EAST

 (2) Dallas: Everything about the Ezekiel Elliott suspension -- when it is, how long it is, if it is -- looms largest over this franchise. They did well to focus on defense in the draft, and if the kids can get on the field and produce, they might (gulp) actually be a Super Bowl contender.

Philadelphia: It's Year Two for everybody. Well, almost. A revamped WR corps puts this year's focus on one thing: making sure Carson Wentz gets better. But a tough schedule and questions at cornerback may make a playoff appearance unlikely from this chair.

Washington: I don't believe in Kirk Cousins. There, I said it. It won't help that the offense will probably take a step back (losing two 1,000-yard receivers will have that effect) and they dumped the one guy Dan Snyder's hired who seemed to be doing a good job with player acquisition. They should be at least decent defensively, though.

N.Y. Giants: I'm... not sure the Giants actually improved in any area this offseason. They added Brandon Marshall, who they didn't need, and didn't add any offensive line or linebacker help, which they did need. If you're not going forward in this league, you're going backwards.

NFC NORTH

 (1) Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers is peaking, and he can't even get Randall Cobb and Davante Adams to be good at the same time. A battered and overmatched secondary ruined the Packers' season last year. As usual, the biggest thing holding them back is their coaching staff.

Detroit: Matthew Stafford just got PAID, yo. He's statistically the best quarterback the Lions have ever had, but it feels like he and his team have reached its ceiling. They shuffled their offensive line, but it doesn't feel like there's enough here to make them a true threat.

Minnesota: So we're going with Sam Bradford again, are we? OK. On the other hand, it's going to be weird not seeing Adrian Peterson back there. This defense might still be underrated, but Bradford's proven he's not a guy who can take a team to that next level.

Chicago: To recap: The Bears signed Mike Glennon off of Tampa Bay's bench, then traded three draft picks to move up one spot to draft Mitchell Trubisky (really?), who then outperformed Glennon in the preseason, but is not starting at quarterback. Their leading receiver last year was someone named Cameron Meredith, who's already out for all of this year. Things are bad at Halas Hall, guys.

NFC SOUTH

 (3) Atlanta: Coming off the worst chokeout in Atlanta pro sports history (and that's a long list), the Falcons would seem like an obvious regression candidate. But the offense is still loaded and they keep adding pass rushers on defense.

(5) Carolina: I see the Panthers bouncing back as long as Cam Newton doesn't have to carry the offense by himself again. Rookie Christian McCaffery should help, but they could really use Kelvin Benjamin returning from the side of the milk carton.

(6) Tampa Bay: If not, the Buccaneers could emerge. Jameis Winston looks like he's turning into the real thing at quarterback, and Year Three is generally when the good ones start to become good. The might still be a little too inexperienced in some key spots, however.

New Orleans: This has to end at some point, right? I'm not sure why Adrian Peterson decided to sign here -- I didn't think they had money for free agents. Getting their alleged defense some reinforcements may have been a better use of resources. Expect a lot more 51-48 games this year.

NFC WEST

 (4) Seattle: After a weird offseason of trade speculations and rumors of internal strife, the Seahawks are pretty much running it back this year. Sheldon Richardson is an interesting addition from the Jets. It's just a shame he's a defensive lineman and not an offensive lineman.

Arizona: The Cardinals may regret not grabbing a quarterback early in this draft, as Carson Palmer began to look old last season and is nearing the end. Running back David Johnson is an emerging star, and a full season of Chandler Jones will greatly benefit the defense, but this is a team at a crossroads.

L.A. Rams: Not having Aaron Donald to start the season is a problem. (He's holding out.) Not having Jeff Fisher is an obvious upgrade, though new head coach Sean McVay is younger than at least one of his players. Can he do what Fisher couldn't and develop quarterback Jared Goff and this offense?

San Francisco: A rookie head coach and general manager have to take on this rebuild. The 49ers did well to steal some extra picks from the Bears and still draft the player they wanted in Solomon Thomas, but Brian Hoyer isn't the answer to any quarterback question worth asking. (Turns out I was wrong and Sam Darnold is draft-eligible. The 49ers are likely tanking for him, too.)

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Sunday, September 10, 2017

Fearful Forecast 2017: AFC

AFC EAST

 (1) New England: Wait a second. So after they get gifted a fifth Super Bowl title because the Falcons stopped running the ball, they get Brandin Cooks from the Saints (without giving up Malcolm Butler) and Philip Dorsett from the Colts (who shouldn't have drafted him in the first place)? How do they keep getting so lucky? Is everyone else actually that stupid? Anyway, they might actually repeat...

Miami: Jay Cutler's back, y'all! Dragged out of retirement after Ryan Tannehill's knee blew up or whatever, Cutler steps in for a team that made the playoffs without its regular starting quarterback LAST year. (Are we still sure Tannehill's worth all this trouble?) Everyone's worried about Jay Ajayi becoming a regression candidate.

Buffalo: New coach, same disrespect for quarterback Tyrod Taylor, who the Bills gave big money to two years ago and have seemingly been trying to torpedo ever since. They keep changing things -- Jordan Matthews is in, Sammy Watkins out, for one -- but this is a team that just hasn't figured out what it is.

N.Y. Jets: Brandon Marshall? Gone. David Harris? Gone. Nick Mangold? Gone. Geno Smith? Gone. The Jets are clearly tanking for either Josh Rosen, Mason Randolph or the kid from Wyoming, and only because Sam Darnold isn't draft-eligible. It's gonna be a long year for the green side at MetLife's Eastern Corporate Headquarters.

AFC SOUTH

 (4) Tennessee: I'm doing it. I'm backing a Mike Mularkey-coached team. This is the worst division in the league and Marcus Mariota is the real deal if he's healthy. They can run the ball with a resurgent DeMarco Murry and Derrick Henry, and if they can play enough defense...

Houston: If I had any faith that J.J. Watt and Jadaveon Clowney could both stay healthy for a full season at the same time, the Texans would be a lock to win the South. DeShaun Watson was the best quarterback prospect in this year's draft, and if he's not starting by Week 7 (because, seriously? Tom Savage?), something's gone terribly wrong.

Indianapolis: There's just too much uncertainty about when Andrew Luck's going to be ready. And too much damage was done in the Ryan Grigson era to fix in one offseason. New GM Chris Ballard did well to focus on defense, but the offensive line is still a mess, which is bad for whoever's lining up behind center.

Jacksonville: Blake Bortles has gotten worse, and I'm not sure that promoting interim head coach Doug Marrone was really the right move. It certainly wasn't inspired. They drafted the best player available in Leonard Fournette, and they keep adding pieces on defense, but if Bortles can't get right, it won't matter.

AFC NORTH

 (2) Pittsburgh: Now that Le'Veon Bell's finally reported, the Steelers' offense returns mostly intact. Rookie T.J. Watt may finally be the man to send James Harrison to the retirement home. But they're still looking for answers at cornerback, and they still haven't figured out how to beat the Patriots in the playoffs.

(6) Cincinnati: The Bengals continue to reinforce their status as the NFL's Home For Wayward Prospects by adding Joe Mixon to their collection of nutcases. A situation this unpredictable (and that's not even referring to Andy Dalton, though it could) only leads to more questions. These guys could go 12-4 or 4-12.

Baltimore: Could John Harbaugh be back on the hot seat? Another playoff miss could be damaging. The Ravens need Joe Flacco to get close to his Super Bowl run form and could also use help from a draft that went heavy on defense.

Cleveland: Is DeShone Kizer the final solution, or just another name on the list of failed Browns quarterbacks? I'm not sure. (And frankly, his Notre Dame pedigree doesn't offer any clarity.) Adding No. 1 overall pick Myles Garrett will help. Subtracting Joe Haden will not. They're still the same old Browns until they prove otherwise.

AFC WEST

 (2) Oakland: We may well have been living in a different world if Derek Carr hadn't gotten injured in Week 16, dooming the Raiders' hopes for a Super Bowl run. They're back, healthier, older and hopefully wiser, and should be the biggest threat to the Patriots' AFC supremacy.

(5) Kansas City: How long can Alex Smith hold off Patrick Mahomes II? It's suddenly a question after the rookie Mahomes' dazzling preseason. Andy Reid's Chiefs will be an Andy Reid team again: steady, but maybe not quite good enough to win it all. (Edit: Kareem Hunt announced his presence with authority against the Patriots.)

Denver: Brock Osweiler's back! As the presumptive third-stringer because of a shoulder injury to former top pick Paxton Lynch, who still couldn't beat out Trevor Siemian for the starting quarterback job with a new head coach. If the Broncos can get enough offense to go with one of the league's best defenses, watch out.

Los Angeles Chargers: I know they were this originally, but that just looks wrong. Philip Rivers doesn't really want to be in L.A., both of their first-round picks are either hurt or just stopped being hurt, and they're slumming it in a 27,500-seat soccer stadium where they'll probably get outdrawn by a mediocre U.S. men's national team. How was this a good idea?
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Thursday, April 27, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Bowl of Superlatives

Roof is CLOSED. Wait, who's singing the anthem? Oh, Luke Bryan. OK.
America the Beautiful AND the anthem? Isn't this a bit much? "...And sisterhood." Well all right. Not too shabby, Luke.

I'd forgotten Ghost in the Shell was even happening. Are we actually kicking off on time? No, of course not. The eldest Bushes are both here to flip the coin and have gotten the biggest pop of the night so far. Falcons win the toss and defer.


Dan Quinn has coached in three of the last four Super Bowls. Let's go!! Touchback.

I see Chris Hogan's deal with the devil hasn't expired yet. Lot of sacks so far. We're really going ot have a scoreless first quarter. Wouldn't have made that call.

Well done, World of Tanks. Well done.

Fumble! Falcons have it.


Sure, but then they can just hand it to Freeman. Touchdown Freeman! That was at least a 10-point swing there.

Patriots go three-and-out. Falcons changing things up with who they target now as Gabriel and Hooper get throws. Touchdown Falcons!


Reminder that the largest deficit overcome in a Super Bowl is 10 points.


Febreze!

MORE HOLDING. This is ridiculous. Hey, an earned first down by the Patriots for once. Martellus Bennett is Very Important right now. Interception! TOUCHDOWN!!! Brady was the only chance and you knew he wasn't stopping Alford. 21-0.





John Malkovich is ANGRY, y'all.

James White with a badly-needed big gain. Then he converts a third down. Edelman dropping that pass actually helps the Pats. Offensive holding? So much for being inside the 5. Who called this trash?




Field goal is good, but it seems empty. 21-3 Falcons (!) at halftime.




Alfa Romeo? Really? Roof is opening for Gaga, who also just had a Tiffany's spot that was good.






My God. Is she on the roof or was this part pre-recorded? (It's 50-50 with her, if we're being honest.) Nope. SHE WAS ON THE ROOF. Starting with "Poker Face" because sure. This is oddly low-key for a Gaga performance. But there's still time. A KEYTAR?!?! "Hey, Dad. Hi, Mom." She has to do "Applause", right? "Bad Romance"! That was a quick outfit change. OK, here's the Gaga we know and love and sometimes also fear.


THANK YOU, WIL. I spent that whole sequence trying to figure out why those things looked familiar. Did she just jump through the floor?



That baby commercial was TERRIFYING. A Monmouth University spot? It's been an hour since the Falcons' offense was last on the field. What does that mean? Let's find out. Three and out. Good punt return by Edelman.


Extremely.

We come back to see that Quinn challenged... something. They say Edelman stepped out of bounds sooner, for a net gain of eight yards. Two missed catches on that drive and the Patriots also go three and out. And here's THE Busch spot. Meanwhile, the Martha Stewart-Snoop friendship is the romance for our times. Mack doesn't look like he's playing with a broken leg.


I know I've already asked this, but how the hell did Taylor Gabriel get away from the Browns? Coleman, then Freeman. Patriots swallowed that one. COLEMAN! Jebus. Nobody had this.





Pretty good weekend for Melissa McCarthy. A Stranger Things 2 promo? That came out of nowhere.

Celebrity crawl! Mark Walhberg's looked happier. VP Pence in the house. James Baker's still alive? Good for him.





Saw that WR pass coming, but Lewis couldn't haul it in. Aikman's right; the Patriots are just trying things. Gotta go for this. Amendola picks it up. You know it's desperate times when Brady takes off for a "run." Well this is a problem. Freeney's and Bennett's helmets are stuck together. White slips under a tackle for a touchdown. Extra point MISSED.


Onside kick? Falcons get it, but it may have touched a Patriot anyway.



So the Baywatch movie's gonna be a comedy? I think I can get on board with that.

Patriots still trying things. What's happened to their pass protection? This Falcons defense has stiffened down here. It's a very young group that's coached by a guy who knows defense. That kills any thoughts of going for it on 4th.


Field goal is good. 28-12. The GHOST OF SPUDS McKENZIE?!? Fumble! Patriots ball! Don't know why the Falcons were passing on 3rd and 1 with a 16-point lead, though. Freeney still getting things done. Mitchell converts 3rd and 13. Touchdown Amendola! (There's that stolen possession Barnwell said the Pats needed earlier.) High snap? No! Direct snap and White converts. 28-20. Nice coverage on Freeman, guys. JONES! I might challenge — no. That was amazing.


Oh, that's a bad sack to take there. Followed by offensive holding, which makes things worse. 3RD AND 33. Nothing. That turned disastrous in a hurry.


That was damn near a safety. Brady's been under siege for a surprising amount of this game. Edelman? EDELMAN!!! That's insane. Falcons challenge and will lose.






Buck calls back to the Tyree catch (and also mentions the missed interception by Asante Samuel before that that everyone forgets about.) Now Amendola with a big play. This is what they do. James White, three times. Touchdown. Amendola converts, Falcons were offside, tie game. TIE. GAME. What a horrible turn of events.




Falcons get the ball back and look to have resigned themselves to overtime, as they have no time outs somehow on top of everything else. Dion Lewis just blew out his knee for — nothing, really. Overtime. This game is in overtime.

Patriots win the toss and this game is probably over. That 18-play drive in the third quarter gassed the Falcons' defense. White again. Edelman.
That's pass interference and this game's over. Horrible. Touchdown White and that's it.















And now, for the only enjoyable part of this scenario: The trophy presentation. Strahan's thinking, "Yeah, but I got one off y'all." Goodell getting booed back to New York.


SO. MUCH. SHADE from Kraft right now. You'll notice Goodell got the hell out of there as soon as reasonably acceptable.

Nice shot of Howie and Chris Long (with Chris's kid, to boot!).

This. This, though. This was...

Look. I hate the Patriots. I hate their smug arrogance. I hate that they flaunt the rules. I hate that they're better than you without flaunting the rules. I hate that they seem to get every single break imaginable. But Tom Brady became the all-timer tonight because he did something that had never been done in the Super Bowl. He has five rings. He should probably have at least six.

And the Falcons. I mean, and Atlanta. This was every great playoff game Dominique Wilkins had that wasn't good enough. This was every lead the Braves' bullpen blew in the 1990s (and they won a title!) This was Man of the Year Eugene Robinson getting popped for solicitation the night before Super Bowl XXXIII. This was the latest incredible disappointment for a city that already has a bad reputation for pro sports fandom as well as a long string of near misses. This... many not be recoverable.

This was unbelievable.



Amen, Ms. Knight. Amen.

(Patriots 34, Falcons 28, OT)

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