Thursday, November 10, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Present Imperfect

Ravens go right to Andrews, who didn't practice all week. And again. This time it's broken up. Disaster for the Bucs on this punt, as the return man is run into by his teammate and the Ravens get the ball at the Buccaneers' 6. Bucs blow up a quarterback keeper. Tucker field goal is good. Brady to Godwin for 44 after no one covers the outside. Brady throws too far for Evans, but Marcus Peters gets called for holding. (Don't be shocked if those two get into a scrap tonight.) Fournette scores from the 1. Brady overthrows Evans in the back of the end zone again.

The Ravens' defense holds (!) and the Bucs are forced to kick. Jebus, Shaq Barrett had a clean run at Lamar because the offensive line was clearly anticipating another play. Lot of flags in this game. Intentional grounding leaves the Ravens with 3rd and 36. And now Andrews is headed to the locker room. Footage of Tyler Linderbaum wrestling Tristan Wirfs in high school. Then they both went to Iowa and now they're on opposite sides again. Ravens have 4th and 2 from the Tampa 10. You think a pass is coming here? They're in shotgun. Pass is broken up in the end zone. They're really pushing next week's game like the Texans are any good. Halftime! And the stream completely drops. Lot of Duvernay on this first Ravens drive of the second half. Drake takes the pass to the corner for a touchdown. Bucs do nothing. Brady's annoyed on the sideline. More Duvernay on the Ravens' next drive.

Lamar finds Isaiah Lively in the back of the end zone for a touchdown. That's how it's done. Evans! He pulled that away from Humphrey. What happened on Sunday, dude? Duvernay's been outrunning Bucs defenders all night, and this time it's worth six. Brady sloughs off the field again.

I mean, did he ever? Succop makes it 24-16 with five minutes left. Big run by Drake. Tucker on for another field goal. Al: "This guy is unkiboshable. I think." Harbaugh looks good for 60. Brady's really getting beaten up on this drive. This touchdown won't matter.

Two-point try fails twice after a Ravens penalty. Lamar finds a fan's sign that says "#8 #7 PAY 'EM NOW!" He SIGNS it. Your fave could never. (Ravens 27, Buccaneers 22)

Signal Finder: PIT @ PHI, CHI @ DAL, NE @ NYJ (end), CAR @ ATL (end), NYG @ SEA

Pickett gets plastered on third down.


There's still smoke on the field from the Eagles' entrance. They go for it on 4th and 2 from the Steelers' 44 and Hurts makes a risky flip to Goedert for the first down. That almost didn't work. A.J.!!! Double covered and he went up and got it. Bradberry gets called for holding on a sack. Freiermuth wide open. Pickett scramble. Apparently Brandon Graham got caught trying to simulate the count or something? So the Steelers pull the field goal unit off and they go for it. It's a snap to Claypool, who throws to Derek Watt for a touchdown. (T.J. is not back.)

Hurts has looked slightly off so far. Goedert wide open. Back shoulder throw leads to touchdown no. 2 for A.J. Pickett throws a ball through both Freiermuth's and Epps's hands. That's THREE for A.J.! He was doubled on that one, too. He'll get flagged for taunting but whatever.

Another acrobatic Pickens catch, but this one gets called back for OPI, a call Romo doesn't particularly like. Pickens tries it again but Bradberry knocks it out. Announcers think he caught it and are imploring the Steelers to throw the challenge flag. They don't and Pickett scrambles for nine. They give it to Harris and he gets the first down. Jordan Davis being helped off. Eagles seal the vault and Nick Skiba makes it 21-10. (No Boswell this week, either.) Hurts gets sacked twice on the ensuing drive. Then Hargrave sacks Pickett to end any hopes they had. Eagles get the second-half kickoff. Sanders breaks a run. Touchdown ZACH PASCAL. Romo shouted "Oh my God!" when he came open. And he was OPEN. 28-10. Steelers run a fake punt on 4th and 2 and it works.

Eagles defense finally gets a stop and the Steelers kick. Kickoff goes out of bounds. Brown's drop is followed by a great one-handed catch by Goedert. Kelce's dad and brother in the house. Eagles punt and this gets adventurous. It gets knocked down at the 1, then a Steeler picks it up and gets knocked back into the end zone. Another holding call on Bradberry, who's not having a great game. Hargrave chases down Pickett and forces a fumble! Eagles ball. Brown gets caught from behind at the 10 or that may have been touchdown #4. This is the Eagles' FIRST snap in the end zone, and there won't be a second, as Sanders goes left and gets to the pylon.

Minshew in with eight minutes left. Welp. (They do go to Houston Thursday night.) Kelce's wearing a Batman mask on the sideline. Which one is he?

Nantz and Romo sing his praises, as well as Merrill Reese and Mike Quick, who Nantz calls his favorite local announcing team. Quick's been doing it for 25 years? Wow. Gardner-Johnson with an interception, his third straight game with one. So it's at least four straight days of Philadelphia vs. Houston after this. (Eagles 35, Steelers 13)

DeAndre Swift makes this Lions offense a lot better. Too bad their defense can't stop anyone whatsoever. (Dolphins 31, Lions 27)

Bears are in their crappy orange uniforms again. No one even breathes on Dak and he jogs into the end zone. The Cowboys are doing whatever they want on offense. Dak with a bullet to Lamb for a touchdown. Fields bootleg works again this week. Dak gets 25 on a quarterback sneak when no on e seals the outside. Pollard goes in untouched. Bears try to get too fancy and WR Dante Pettis gets called for an illegal forward pass. Touchdown Ferguson and the Cowboys are just pouring it on. Fields gets hit and Diggs picks off the throw, but he got hit in the head, drawing a roughing penalty. Touchdown N'Keal Harry?!? The Cowboys should be ashamed. Eddie Jackson picks off Dak with 30 seconds before halftime. Cowboys jump offside. The Bears get a field goal (because they can't throw the ball) to make it 28-17 Cowboys at halftime. Bears go three and out. It's been 20 YEARS since Emmitt set the rushing record? He joins Adam Amin and Moose in the booth. This fumble's getting overturned. Fields to Mooney for 36! Touchdown Khalil Herbert. Bears go for two but don't get it. Dak to Schultz twice in a row. Touchdown Pollard and it's 35-23. Parsons picks up a fumble and he'll score.


Fields trying to keep the Bears in this game with a first down run. Donovan Wilson heads off for the Cowboys and Amin says they saw him spitting up blood during the break. Thanks for THAT. Now Jaron Kearse is down. Touchdown Cole Kmet? Sure, fine. Pollard goes for a 54-yard touchdown and this may finally be over. Herbert with a big run. The Bears have rushed for 200 yards in three straight games, but that's not gonna help them score 20 points in 9:35. The Jonas Brothers are playing Cowboys Thanksgiving halftime? I wonder what third-level act Detroit's getting stuck with. (Cowboys 49, Bears 29)

This is on Zach Wilson. (Patriots 22, Jets 17)

TOUCHDOWN D.J. MOORE! He dove for it and caught it! Twelve seconds left! And a perfect throw from P.J. Walker, by the way. But Moore took his helmet off after the score and got penalized, so the PAT is now 48 yards. Missed it left! We're going to overtime. Mariota throws a terrible pick. Piniero misses again!


Mariota runs for 30! Koo on with two minutes left. It's GOOD. Falcons "lead" the NFC South. (Falcons 37, Panthers 34, OT)

If they were playing anyone but the Texans, this could go horribly for Willis. The ironic thing here is that I was deathly afraid the Texans would take him at 3 overall. Just give it to Henry, kid. (Titans 17, Texans 10)

Both Metcalf and Lockett starting for the Seahawks. Direct snap to Walker gets the Seahawks a quick first down. Adoree' Jackson saves a touchdown. The Seahawks hide Lockett in the backfield on fourth and 1, then throw it to him for the first down. Geno scrambles to the 5, which is still a yard short. Seahawks go for it AGAIN and get it on a shovel pass to Dissly. Touchdown Metcalf. Barkley gets tripped up. Now Jackson strips the ball from Lockett on this punt and the Giants have it at the Seahawks' 2. Barkley scores. Leonard Williams finally gets a sack. McKinney comes in on a safety blitz and wrecks Geno. Now the GIANTS fumble a punt return and the Seahawks recover! That's bad. Dude wasn't even hit that hard. Lockett just misses a touchdown. Field goal gets tipped but still goes through, then bounces off the stanchion. Jones gets sacked to end the half. I cannot and do not endorse Laura Okmin's outfit. Slayton with a tough catch over the middle. Seahawks hold the giants to a tying field goal. Lockett drops a touchdown and spits out his mouthpiece in disgust. Field goal breaks the tie. Slayton needs to be the guy in this passing game for the Giants. The Seahawks can't tackle Barkley. Bruce Irvin (!) knocks Jones into Barkley for an eight-yard loss. Gano ties it at 13. Lockett with the tricky sideline catch. Another easy catch for Lockett and this time he makes it. Touchdown. Shelby Harris, who came over in the Wilson trade, chases down Jones from his DT spot and prevents the first down.


Geno and Metcalf can't connect. 6:18 left. The Giants fumble ANOTHER punt return! Seahawks recover! That dude's gotta go. Oh no, is he hurt too?

Walker powers through tacklers and scores. The announcers mentioned it up top, but the biggest reason for the Seahawks' success is they finally got a draft right for the first time in forever, and Walker's been a big part of that. (Seahawks 27, Giants 13)

McCAFFERY PASS?? Touchdown Aiyuk! That has some air under it. McCaffery's backwards spinning touchdown catch puts the Niners up. And there's a McCaffery touchdown RUN. Nobody's done that since Tomlinson in 2005.


The Rams can't beat the 49ers... in the regular season. (49ers 31, Rams 14)

Dateline's Keith Morrison doing the intro. The Packers shouldn't throw the ball tonight. Pcket collapses around Rodgers on 4th and 3 and the third and fourth down drought continues. Singletary breaks off a big run. Packers sniff out the McKenzie end around and it loses five. Allen takes off and it takes two Packers to bring him down at the 1.


Any flea flicker that only gets thrown five yards isn't worth it.

Bills on the move again. Diggs fumbles and there's a vicious scramble for it. It's getting chippy. Bills keep it. Touchdown Diggs, and he gets tackled twice afterwards. I'm gonna go ahead and rescind my "the Packers shouldn't throw the ball tonight" declaration. Because that's no longer going to work. Rodgers looks for Doubs, who has to turn around and makes a great leaping catch for the score! So Quay Walker just got tossed after that altercation. Jet sweep to McKenzie and this one works. 21-7 Bills. I think I'd have to review this Milano play. He may have caught that deflection clean. (The Bills can't challenge because it's inside two minutes.) Rodgers gets sacked. Allen to Diggs for 53! He overthrows Davis on a free play. BIlls add a field goal at halftime. Not a fan of that OPI call on Tonyan. This Bills drive has turned into Allen being forced to run.

The Packers hold the Bills to three, but it's a three-score game again. Packers go for it on 4th and 1 and Jones loses a yard. Allen gets picked off! But Rodgers gets picked off on the NEXT PLAY. Milano got that one. Packers lose James Cook and he gets 41 on a catch-and-run. Jaire Alexander picks off a low Allen throw (that he shouldn't have thrown), then gives the ball to a Packers fan in the end zone seats. And it ends up costing the Bills as Rodgers fires a bomb to Toure! Do the Bills have money on the Packers covering? (Bills 27, Packers 17)

Buck and Aikman broke out the throwback ABC MNF yellow blazers. Peyton's dressed as a ref, while Eli's donned a bad version of the Chad Powers mask. Peyton's wearing Clete Blakeman's referee uniform, which Peyton noted seemed quite small during the Week 1 show. That's tipped — and picked off! It was actually tipped twice, first by Garrett at the line, then by Higgins, who may not have even been the intended receiver.


The return is called back because A.J. Green (not THAT one) was ruled down by contact, but it's Browns ball. York tries a 53-yard field goal. It's BLOCKED. Boyd jumps in front of Green, and Boomer Esiason tells Peyton and Eli that he thinks Green was convinced he had another pick. Garrett fights through three Bengals to get to Burrow. Browns run a wide receiver pass with Amari Cooper — and it's intercepted! Everyone's surprised the Bengals are punting on fourth and 4 here. They show one of Boomer's old Hanes commercials. "I was all about the beefcake, boys." I should mention that we're scoreless with five minutes left in the half. Well, we were. Nick Chubb just changed that. Browns are way too involved in this decision to go for two. It works, but it shouldn't have taken as long as it did. This new Bengals offensive line isn't any better than the old one. McPherson misses from 47, as it just hooks right at the end. That's enough time for the Browns to get York a 55-yarder. It's GOOD and we have an elevener at halftime.

Brissett gets to the left pylon for a touchdown. The Kelces join the show as the Bengals go three and out again. Play action to Cooper, who takes it to the Bengals' 5. Cooper scores on a fade and the extra point makes it 25-0.

The Kelces never actually played together? Jason's three years older and he says Travis apparently had some "eligibility issues." Burrow's been completely out of sync for most of tonight. He's managed to pull it together a little, though, enough to find Boyd in the end zone for a touchdown. Nice catch. McPherson having a rough night.

Brad Paisley takes off his Mandalorian mask. He has a Brian Sipe football in the background on top of an amp. "I think there's a lot of people losing money tonight." Paisley became a Browns fan because of Sipe, which didn't exactly endear him to his family of Steelers fans. Bomb to Cooper! We've seen more of Kareem Hunt than I thought tonight amid rumors he might be traded (the deadline's tomorrow.) Paisley predicts a screen pass. It's a handoff to Chubb up the middle for a touchdown. Ravens-Saints next week. Peyton: "Cooper and Dad are arguing to be a guest." (Browns 32, Bengals 13)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (7-0) — A few hitches
3. Buffalo (6-1) — Not their best effort, really
2. Kansas City (5-2) — Relaxing with barbecue
4. Dallas (6-2) — Gave up 240 on the ground. Is that defense solved?

BOTTOM 4:
 29. Las Vegas (2-5) — Also hired the wrong coach
30. Carolina (2-6) — Truly a catastrophic and unnecessary defeat
31. Detroit (1-6) — We all know what the problem is here
32. Houston (1-5-1) — The road back will be very long

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Sunday, October 30, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Unhappy Returns

This could at least be interesting — you've got some guaranteed Kyler highlights, DeAndre Hopkins is back off suspension, Kliff will do at least a couple of dumb things, and Andy Dalton's probably still good for a laugh or two.

So this is what we're doing. OK. Five minutes of commercials and we come back to two players being carted off. Saints drive ends with an Antonio Hamilton interception in the end zone. BIG run by Benjamin. Murray scrambles and slides at the Saints' 8. That is not a catch — Moore never had possession. Ex-Colt Rodrigo Blankenship makes it 7-6 Saints.

Also, why are you throwing a fade to the smallest guy on the field? Dalton to Hill for a touchdown. 14-6 is already more points than the last two Thursday nights.

Cardinals go for two, don't get it, but there's a flag on the Saints. They try again and give it to Benjamin, and the refs say he scored before he lost the ball. Pick-six for Marco Wilson! There's that Dalton comedy I was referring to earlier. Extra point goes left, which is why he's an ex-Colt. OH MY GOD ANOTHER PICK SIX. This one by Isaiah Simmons. It's like Dalton's been possessed by Jameis.

It's 28-14 Cardinals at halftime. Dalton throws into triple coverage but somehow nobody comes up with it. Saints settle for three. Low snap scuttles first and goal from the 1 for the Cardinals. Slant to Dortsch finds paydirt. Murray's gotta throw the ball away sometimes. Quick drive for the Saints ends with a Juwan Johnson touchdown. 35-24 with 11:14 left. The Saints can't stop Benjamin. Didn't see that coming. He scores and it's 42-24. Al breaks McCaffrey to the 49ers (!!). That's a lot of draft picks for a guy who's had one healthy season in his career. At first glance, the Panthers made out like bandits.

(Cardinals 42, Saints 34)

Signal Finder: DET @ DAL, NYG @ JAX, BAL @ CLE (end), KC @ SF

Saquon puts a MOVE on Cisco to convert a 3rd and 5. Then Slayton catches a 32-yard touchdown over the defender. Jaguars on the move. Their offense is a touchdown better than last season. Speaking of touchdowns, Etienne scores a relatively easy one. They're going for two here? Etienne gets there. Schlereth: "Like I was saying, I love the call!" Jones... fumbles but it won't count because the Jaguars jumped offsides. WE HAVE AN ELEVENER. Jones and Brieda have the two longest plays of this game outside the Slayton touchdown. Field goal is good. Lawrence winds up to throw deep, but the pocket breaks down and he flings it short to Marvin Jones Jr. Etienne FUMBLES and the Giants recover. How many people have gotten hurt in this game? Giants go ahead with a field goal with 35 seconds before halftime. Lawrence dives over the pile for a touchdown. Extra point comes out wobbly and it's no good. High snap plus possible deflection (or at least altered by a Giants player swooping in in front of it.) That interception is why I still don't trust Jones. Fortunately for him, it won't count because of a correct roughing the passer call. Giants go for it on fourth down but the pass is broken up. How is this DPI? That ball wasn't getting caught by anyone on the field. OK, they picked that up but the Jags were still offside. Reverse to Kirk gets a first down. Lawrence sneaks on 4th and a half-yard and I don't think he made it. He didn't! Jags whiff on a tackle and Jones gets 10 more after it before the turf monster strikes again. Barkley makes three guys miss and gets to the 10. Jags get called for pass interference in the end zone, then for having 12 men on the field. Then ENCROACHMENT. The ball's at, like, the one-foot line. This Daniel Jones sneak should get it. They finally signal touchdown. Gano adds another field goal with 1:04 left. Lawrence gets sacked, but there's defensive holding. Then Lawrence throws a pick but ANOTHER Giants penalty negates that. Yeah, I don't know about that one. Now there's a false start. Schlereth: "This is the longest fifty-one seconds of my life." Now it's fourth and 15. Marvin Jones with a 28-yard catch! Tack on 15 for roughing the passer and now we're cooking. The flag stopped the clock, too. Ball's at the Giants' 17. Thought Zay Jones was open for a moment. Lawrence throws it to Kirk at the 1 — but he can't get in! It took four Giants to keep him out of the end zone.


(Giants 23, Jaguars 17)

This Week It Sucks To Be: Mike Evans catches that 999 times out of 1000. That was this game's inflection point. It's like when the Braves walked Kyle Schwarber when he was 0-for the playoffs and Rhys Hoskins parked one three pitches later.


(Panthers 21, Buccaneers 3)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Dak back, and on play 2 he gets sacked. (Sorry. But it was too easy.) The Lions may have learned from last week that you can run on these guys. Badgley hits from 40. Amon-Ra is out with a concussion. Lamb with the catch while double-teamed. Fourth and 2 from the 3 and a half? This should work. They call time out, change their minds, and kick a 22-yarder.


Roughing call on Parsons doubles the yards on this Kennedy catch and puts the Lions in side the Cowboys' 30. Williams first down run is negated by a hold. Badgley hits from 52, then the refs pick up a flag. Dak's clearly rusty as he throws into triple coverage and is lucky to not get picked off. Barry and Emmitt both at the game. Noah Brown gets upended after the catch, fumbles, and the Lions recover at their 3. They're content to get out of their own end zone and that's it. 6-3 Lions at halftime. Goff gets intercepted after throwing deep, but not deep enough. DPI in the end zone kind of looked like the defender was slipping and grabbed Schultz to stay upright. Zeke punches it in. Turpin with a big punt return. Nantz: "What's this No. 9 doing?" Romo: "He's got my speed!" That drive started and ended at the Lions 42. That's a big win for the Lions here. Williams FUMBLES AT THE 2! Cowboys get an even bigger break. Jourdan Lewis picks off Goff but pays for it. Lions killing themselves with turnovers. Nobody wearing 98 should ever be 15 yards downfield in coverage on Lamb. Zeke dives from three yards out but only gets two, though it's still a first down. That time he gets in. Pollard takes off for 25 and that'll really seal it. (Cowboys 24, Lions 6)

We go to Baltimore where we apparently just missed some true craziness. Steratore fills us in: The Browns tries a 55-yarder, but there was a false start. Then they tried a 60-yarder that got partially blocked. The Ravens... don't blow a fourth-quarter lead? This is a turning point. (Ravens 23, Browns 20)


Guys, the Packers are bad. (Commanders 23, Packers 21)


No one did. What would we even have to base it on? He's cutting up the Chargers. (Seahawks 37, Chargers 23)

Philip Dorsett's still in the league? Well, he is a Texan, so. (Raiders 38, Texans 20)

Apparently McCaffrey's going to play? All right then. 49ers jump the route and intercept the pass. JuJu and Fred Warner almost coming to blows in the background. Who is Davis Price? Deebo with a leaping catch at the Chiefs' 10. Touchdown Ray-Ray McCloud, who had to come back to that ball. 10-0 49ers. That's a good formation to hide Kelce in. Pitch to Hardman finds the end zone. Jet sweep to Hardman and this one goes for a 25-yard touchdown. Chiefs lead. Replays show an unblocked Nick Bosa looking bewildered as Hardman races past him. Kittle! Aiyuk! Then Garoppolo gets sacked. Third and 14 pass gets batted down and drives can end just like that in this league. The Chiefs field goal line changes their stances all at once and the 49ers false start, taking them out of field goal range. Moore muffs the punt and the 49ers have it. He misjudged it. 49ers ball at the Chiefs 12. Then Garoppolo throws up an airball that gets intercepted in the end zone.


TWO-RUN HOME RUN BRYCE HARPER!!!! 4-3 PHILLIES IN THE 8TH. JuJu with a back shoulder catch falling backwards. First and goal Chiefs with 39 seconds left. Olsen doesn't like that low block call on McKinnon that took away a touchdown. Butker MISSES from 39?!? Still, Chiefs up 1 at halftime. Touchdown Edwards-Helaire, who did not start this game. Olsen LOVES Kelce. McKinnon for 35 on 3rd and 20! That's a backbreaker.

Touchdown Justin Watson. I know they're only down five after this Gould field goal, but I'm not sure the 49ers offense we saw on that drive is capable of outscoring the Chiefs. MVS gets 57 on 3rd and 11! Three touchdowns for Hardman now. SAFETY.

That's a good kick. JuJu getting the tough yards. He's got another score. Garoppolo sacked and fumbles and that's that.

(Chiefs 44, 49ers 23; Phillies 4, Padres 3)


Tua's back. The Dolphins are celebrating the 50th anniversary of the undefeated 1972 team tonight, which is why the end zones look like that. Dolphins not babying Tua early.

Mostert speeds to the left side for the score. Pickett starting again for the Steelers. They go three and out. Steelers defense is having trouble handling the Dolphins' speed. Field goal is good. Claypool falls down and Justin Bethel intercepts Pickett. Waddle probably didn't have to jump for that. OK, I'm wrong, that was kind of high. Dolphins get three more.


Steelers show some life as Harris puts together some nifty moves on a middle route. They get three, but they moved the ball that time. Cris notes how much faster the Dolphins look. Pickett to Pickens is going to trip up so many announcers. Harris breaking tackles. Pickens with a great twisting catch over the defender for a touchdown. Tua underthrows Hill but Sutton can't corral the interception. Field goal gives the Dolphins a 16-10 halftime lead. Wild graphic that shows that Dolphins ball carriers are more than a full 1 MPH faster than last year. They go for it on 4th and 2 and that never had a chance.

Steelers drop another interception. Oof, Dolphins safety Brandon Jones being helped off by two people. I don't like the Dolphins sending all their fast guys on middle routes. Send them wide or even down the seam. These corners can be had. Steelers on the move late. Intercepted! Not sure if that throw was forced or telegraphed.

Then Tua almost gives it back. Now the Steelers will get the ball back with two minutes left. Freiermuth converts 4th and 4. Johnson jukes Xavien Howard (who's had him in prison all night) for another first down and gets out of bounds. Holy HELL this interception! Did he get both feet down? He DID.

Pickett started to run and he probably should have kept running. That's pick number two tonight for Igbinoghene. (Yes, I had to look that up.) (Dolphins 16, Steelers 10)

We're Manningcasting tonight. It's... misty. Hope y'all bet the under. What, exactly, does Mac Jones do better than what we've seen Bailey Zappe do? Bill Burr and Vince Vaughn among the guests. But first, Obama! The Bears kick a field goal to open the scoring. Peyton asks Obama if he or Eli was the better White House guest. "There was some silverware missing. But we couldn't trace it directly back to you." Obama jokingly admits he invited the '85 Bears because it was hard having to meet with the Packers. Fields on a keeper! Touchdown!


Mac slides and picks up a first down on 3rd and 5. Intercepted by Brisker!

Late throw by Fields almost gets picked off, then he takes a needless sack. The Bears don't have a single pass catcher who can make a play on a contested ball. Zappe in after the punt. Is it over already? And the Patriots score in three plays. Yeah, it's over.

Eli's tablet! Man, Meyers was wide open. Now Fields gets intercepted off a tipped ball. To illustrate my earlier point, Devante Parker makes a leaping catch between two defenders on the sideline at the Bears' 8. Stevenson walks into the end zone. So much for the under.

Is Khalil Herbert better than David Montgomery? Quarterback sweep! Herbert with a rare catch for a touchdown. Another big run from Fields. This is the only offense they have. Then Fields loses 15 yards on a fumble.

Peyton asks for another quarterback run here on second down and gets it. The Bears salvage another field goal to lead 20-14 at halftime. Patriots fan Bill Burr joins the show after the Bears add another field goal. "Can I handle talking to two Manning brothers?" "Can they stop showing sad Mac Jones on the sideline? We get it." Fields overthrows Mooney on a deep ball to the end zone. That's good from 50. 26-14 Bears. Burr says the Tuck Rule was called correctly even though the rule stinks, then he calls it payback for a game in the '70s where the Patriots got called on a roughing the passer that ended up leading to a Raiders win. They pull up the footage! Montgomery breaks a tackle and gets to the Pats' 6. Vaughn's on after some technical difficulties. He says keep running it. And they do, and it's a touchdown for Montgomery. The Bears have had their way with the Patriots' defense tonight, something I did not see coming. Eli razzes Peyton by bringing up that Vaughn was at the Colts' loss to the Eagles in 2010 and asks Vaughn what he said before the game. Zappe gets intercepted and a Bears player gets thrown out of the game for a blindside block. Whoa.

Vaughn wants the Patriots to put Jones back in. Zappe throws another pick.

That's why you wait 24 hours. You gotta sleep on a decision that big. (Bears 33, Patriots 14)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (6-0) — I feel like I wanted this bye later
3. Buffalo (5-1) — Even machines need tuning
2. Kansas City (5-2) — Reshaping things on the fly
4. Dallas (5-2) — Dak's back. Now what?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Denver (3-4) — Hired the wrong coach
30. Detroit (1-5) — Threw away a bunch of chances
31. Carolina (2-5) — Any given Sunday, and all that
32. Houston (1-4-1) — Just seem directionless

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Tuesday, October 25, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Leave It Alone

Look, I'm telling you right now, you're not gonna get a lot out of me for this one. The Bears are leaving points on the field for no good reason, while Wentz is again getting no protection from a bad offensive line and throwing into Bears defenders' helmets. I fear that Fields may just not be any good, either.



Hey, a field goal! Also, these orange Bears uniforms are repulsive.






Fields throws a touchdown and gets blown up. Bears muff a punt with 8:06 left and it's Washington ball at the Bears 10. Wentz throws a shoulder block against Roquan Smith. Touchdown Brian Robinson, who's back from getting shot. At least it's been a quick game. FIELDS SCRAMBLE! He's down to the 6! Oh my God this fourth down play. Mooney goes up for the pass, bobbles it, then catches it but the ball never breaks the plane. Commanders take over. That hurts.



He would have caught that last pass clean. Wentz is 7-0 on Thursday nights? Wild. (Commanders 12, Bears 7)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ GB, BAL @ NYG, BUF @ KC

Hey Giants, don't leave Mark Andrews open in the middle of the field. Lamar gets trapped in the pocket twice. Daboll challenging this Josh Oliver play. This might stand. It does. Deep ball gets broken up in the end zone. I've seen better offensive line play. Kenyan Drake lives? Touchdown Ravens.


That kickoff return was hot. Slayton! One of the biggest problems with the Giants' offense is that it's relying on the wrong guys. Slayton and Golladay (who is apparently still buried under the doghouse) should be playing more, and James and Sills should be playing much, much less. The wildcat has not worked at all so far today. Marcus Johnson can't corral a touchdown. Then WanDale Robinson shows him how it's done. Jones fumbles on a Hail Mary attempt to end the half. Ravens lead 10-7. Andrews uncharacteristically drops a touchdown and the Giants' can't get the deflection. Really, Charles? You didn't see dude get pulled down by his legs? Tucker makes it 13-7. Giants were facing fourth and short but a late unsprtsmanlike conduct flag gives them a first down. Jones waits too long and gets sacked. Gano makes it 13-10. Lamar does it himself. Drake getting all this run concerns me slightly. Touchdown Andrews. (Again, don't leave him open in the middle of the field.) This is one of Jones's best drives as a pro. I'm not even kidding. Daniel Bellinger? OK, whoever that is. Ravens trying to ice it. Interception! What a cursed sequence. The snap goes bad, Lamar tries to make a play, but he throws it into coverage.

Giants really need a touchdown here. Two minutes left. Jones is pressured and gets picked off, but there's a flag. Interference on Marcus Peters gives the Giants another shot. Barkley goes up and over for the touchdown! Lamar fumbles! Giants ball!

Barkley gets the first down and slides at the Ravens' 1. The GIANTS are 5-1. Nobody had this. (Giants 24, Ravens 20)

Trubisky back? Yeah, probably not. What's up with the Bucs that they couldn't beat what looks like a bad Steelers team?


(Steelers 20, Buccaneers 18)

Burkhardt and Olsen got redirected from that game to Jets-Packers, which I find hilarious. That's coming back.


Zero offense this quarter otherwise.

Rain starts to fall as the second quarter begins. Crosby field goal is BLOCKED by Quinnen Williams. The Jets turn it into 2nd and 29 because, well, they're still the Jets. Dillon fumbles and the Jets get it. Wilson almost costs his team three points with a bad decision to throw to the end zone instead of throwing it away. Zuerlein's a Jet? Makes sense since he's washed. Packers go deep on fourth and 3 from midfield but the pass is just out of Doubs's reach. Packers get the ball back but run out of time and have to settle for a field goal to end the half. Cobb being carted off. Jets take the lead on a Braxton Berrios rushing touchdown, of all things. Quinnen with another sack. The Packers have no answers for him. Punt is BLOCKED! TOUCHDOWN JETS.

I can't even go that far. Jordan Love throwing on the sideline. I don't know if the Jets have turned a corner, but I feel like the Packers have — into oncoming traffic. (Jets 27, Packers 10)

Burrow and Chase return to Louisiana and play it like they've never left. (Bengals 30, Saints 26)



So he's getting traded. (And was, the next day.) P.J. Walker started this game? Really? (Rams 24, Panthers 10)

Justin Reid going off to the sideline for the Chiefs, who are already down in the secondary. Bills get fancy and fumble in the red zone and the Chiefs recover. The refs call it a backwards pass, which apparently makes a difference. I don't see how; it's still Chiefs ball. MVS has a touchdown taken off because of an illegal man downfield penalty. Romo says Mahomes took too long to throw it. Von MIller jumps offside. Romo doesn't expect a high-scoring game. Chiefs are going for it. Mahomes ends up scrambling for it. He's forced out of the pocket and throws up a jump ball — that the Bills win. That's not why Romo didn't expect a high-scoring game.


Scoreless after 1? Didn't see that coming. Reid back in to break up a third down pass. Romo calls Steve Spagnuolo "one of the best defensive coordinators in history." Slow down, man. JuJu breaks a tackle and takes it to the house. 7-3 Chiefs.

Completely agree. I thought he was a perfect signing for them. Thornhill gets called for DPI and he knows it. First and goal Bills at the 10. Blitz forces Allen to rush an incompletion on third down. Chiefs blitz again on fourth down but McKenzie can't make the catch. The Chiefs have had the ball for four minutes and still haven't crossed midfield. They punt and take down the Bills inside the 10, and then an illegal block on what passed for that return put them inside the 5. No one covers Davis at the 25 and the Bills get out of the hole. Davis outruns Williams for a touchdown! BUTKER FROM 62 WHAT. There were 12 seconds left! That's sick. We're tied at 10 at the half. Does Diggs stay in? He sure does. Touchdown Bills. Kelce with a tough catch in traffic. Touchdown Hardman! Allen's hopping mad about something. He wanted a tripping call? Anyway, fourth and 3 fails and the Chiefs take over. That loss Pacheco took killed this drive. Chiefs get three. Touchdown Knox! Jesus. That was a laser beam. Still 1:04 left.

Taron Johnson picks off Mahomes? What? WOW.

Also... this is the final score Romo predicted. (Bills 24, Chiefs 20)

The First Lady is here leading a "Fly Eagles Fly" chant. Meek Mill is also here. "Dreams and Nightmares" became an anthem for this team during the Super Bowl run. Tirico: "I don't know if there are voices left in Philadelphia."


Cowboys get the ball first. CeeDee Lamb is playing despite a late appearance on the injury report. Halfway through the first and only one first down by either team. Most of the crew climbed the Rocky steps. Is that Jack Stoll's first catch of the year? (It's his second.) Third down run here makes me think they're going for it on fourth, adn they are. Swing pass to A.J. Brown gets it. First quarter ends with the Eagles facing 4th and 4 at the 10. Or not, as they line up to go for it. There's a flag. Who moved? Fowler! NOW the first quarter's over. I've never seen anyone as happy about drawing the other team offsides as Sirianni just now.


Sanders punches it in. Gardner-Johnson gets a pick off a deflection! Hurts fakes the handoff, then he fakes the bootleg and flips it to Brown, who gets to the end zone. That was HOT. I'm aroused.

They didn't give Lamb the first down there? That's odd. And of course, McCarthy doesn't challenge it because he's a moron. Cowboys go for it on 4th and inches from their own 35... Rush rollout? Pass? Really? Bradberry breaks it up.

Tirico goes to Terry Macauley about that Lamb play, and he says it should have been a first down and that the Cowboys would have won a challenge. DeMarcus Lawrence sniffs out whatever that was supposed to be. Elliott hits from 51. Pollard with a 15-yard blast. Slay picks off Rush! Just jumped in front of Gallup. Hurts picks up 12 on 3rd and 18. 34-yarder by Elliott makes it 20-0. Mike Trout's here in his regular end zone seats. Turpin finally breaks a big return. It ends when he runs into his own man because of course it does. This Noah Brown catch is wild. I'm actually not sure he had it at the top. It'll be reviewed, of course. Yeah, that looks like he's out. Call REVERSED. This four-down territory? Bradberry with a knockdown. I guess not, as Maher is on for a 30-yarder. Lane Johnson out with a concussion. Cowboys seem to have woken up. Zeke looking like he's back in his prime, as he finds a hole then outruns everyone for a touchdown. Hurts got lucky that Parsons didn't intercept that. Did they really get Parsons for unsportsmanlike conduct? Tirico notices how late that flag was. Cowboys send everyone and the Eagles have to punt. Cowboys finding everything on the left side on this drive. Refs pick up the flag for an illegal block in the back. McAuley can't believe it.

Gardner-Johnson back in. Eagles can't tackle anyone. Cowboys touchdown. Eagles go back to the run, which is smart. Slow that rush down. Have they attempted a pass on this drive? I don't think they have. Hurts goes up over the pile for a first down. There's a pass to A.J., who breaks a tackle and gets to the 6. And there's a touchdown to Smith off of play action.

Why are they going for two? Sanders gets nothing. Hurts could have faked that and gone in untouched off the left side. Still, they're up 9 with seven minutes left. Rush's wife is going through it. Eagles finally get pressure with Graham and Rush throws it deep — but not deep enough and Gardner-Johnson picks it off! That was legitimately close to disaster, as Bradberry had fallen and Lamb was wide open. Bad snap but Kelce falls on it.

That's Lamb's first big play since the first snap of the game. Maher on for a 59-yarder with 1:13 left, but he pushes it right. Now we got a rumble. EVERYBODY BE COOL.

(Eagles 26, Cowboys 17)

Mack Adam? Is that what we're doing here? Does Rock just show up for every primetime NFL game in L.A.? I'm amazed that pass didn't hit the ground. (It was easier to tell it didn't from the end zone camera.) Chargers aren't happy about that false start call. The fans are even madder about the non-call DPI on third down, but I don't know about that one. Neither offense doing much right now.


That's a big interference call against the Chargers. Sack! McManus good from 51.

Latavius Murray's a Bronco? OK. Wilson escapes and finds Jeudy open on the sideline. Touchdown... Greg Dulcich? OK. Chargers clearly didn't have him scouted. That IS a generous spot on that Everett catch. Ekeler powers his way into the end zone. Palmer gets tackled before the ball gets there and he still almost catches it. Hopkins back in to try a field goal. He hits from 37 and goes down again immediately afterwards. WIlson throws a 47-yard floater to Hamler. He had a man in his face, Hamler had to slow down to catch it. Just wild all around. There's another questionable roughing the passer call. McManus kicks a 27-yarder to end the half. Some pleasantries are exchanged after Hopkins ties it, but nothing comes of it. Lewis Hamilton in the house. He's in the visiting owners' box with the Broncos' new owners. Fourth quarter begins with the Chargers going for it on 4th and 2 from the Broncos 29. Mathis finally makes a good play and breaks up the pass. Buck notes that there's no Manningcast tonight and figures Peyton's still celebrating Tennessee's win over Alabama. Herbert throws into coverage and Browning intercepts it, then fumbles, then recovers his fumble.

Clips of Surtain holding Mike Williams hostage. Broncos go ahead with a field goal. A clearly hobbled Hopkins ties it again at 16.

Tranquill was shot out of a cannon on that sack. Broncos have to punt. But the Chargers can't do anything, either, and they let the clock run down and try a Hail Mary before going to overtime. What was the point of that? Broncos win the toss. Melvin Gordon has not played at all tonight for no good reason.

Williams barely goes out of bounds. Kareem Jackson knocks the ball out of Everett's hands. This feels like a tie.

MUFFED PUNT! Chargers ball! The Broncos' punt returner had a player blocked into him, causing the muff.

And the cookbook's written in Wingdings. Chargers get to the 22 and Hopkins is in to try it. It's GOOD.

That kind of knuckled in like the Tennessee game-winner did. The Chargers have lost this exact game for at least 15 years. (Chargers 19, Broncos 16, OT)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (6-0) — The Cardinals game was a bigger sweat in retrospect
3. Buffalo (5-1) — Getting a big leg up
2. Kansas City (4-2) — Narrow escape from the plains
4. Dallas (4-2) — Well that's a setback

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (2-4) — Feet full of bullet holes
30. Detroit (1-4) — Time to adjust
31. Houston (1-3-1) — Name four of these guys
32. Carolina (1-5) — News flash: It didn't work out

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Thursday, October 20, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Sack Off

So both starting running backs are out, which also means we have Philip Lindsay returning to Denver, as well as more Nyhiem Hines. Or not.

I mean, you shouldn't have expected a lot of offense tonight before that happened. Colts have punted three times already and we're still in the first quarter.

McManus makes it 6-0 Broncos. Ryan tries to force a throw and it's predictably intercepted.



Ryan gets sacked and fumbles, losing 18 yards and almost killing this two-minute drill. Another sack ends any chance of scoring here. Or does it? They get back in position for a 52-yarder, which is good. I've been 20 percent paying attention to this game but it sounds like Bernhard Raimann is having a Winston Justice prime time moment. For some reason the Broncos have two receivers going up for the ball at the same time, surrounded by three defenders. Fortunately, Sutton comes down with it. Field goal is BLOCKED. Ryan gets picked AGAIN by the same guy! Kenny Moore saves a touchdown by knocking the ball out of Beck's hands. Wilson overthrows Jeudy, forcing another field goal try. It's good and it's 9-6. (Yeah, the Colts kicked another field goal at some point before this.) Now Wilson throws an interception where I'm not sure he was even paying attention to where he was throwing it.

Apparently they checked him out for a blow to the head and cleared him? Fine, fine. Stephon Gilmore's a Colt? He just picked off Wilson in the end zone.

Well, nobody's getting to double digits tonight. Now Ryan FUMBLES but the Colts recover. Two minutes left, thankfully. The refs had the wrong down? Grand.

Somehow the Colts are in field goal range. Deon Jackson SZN? Ryan spiked it with 13 seconds left. DELAY OF GAME? McLaughlin on to tie it and he does.



Colts "win" the toss. McLaughlin hits from 48 and it's 12-9. Broncos take over. Wilson finally connects with Jeudy. Gordon gets upended or he would have scores. Fourth and 1 from the 5. Why are they in shotgun? Pass is broken up! That's a terrible play call.

Commanders-Bears next week. Richard Sherman is furious. "I wish I had Marshawn up here! RUN THE BALL!!!" (Colts 12, Broncos 9, OT)

I'm sorry, WHAT? What the hell happened here? Oh, Saquon happened. And the Packers' defense melted down as it has way too many times. Then Rodgers is throwing passes off dudes' helmets and it's just a problem. (Giants 27, Packers 22)

Signal Finder: PIT @ BUF, ATL @ TB, LAC @ CLE (end), TEN @ WSH (end), PHI @ AZ

Steelers flatten the kickoff returner at the Bills 2. NINETY-EIGHT YARDS FOR GABRIEL DAVIS! Then the Bills recover a fumbled kickoff return. This turned disastrous for the Steelers very, very quickly. Bills facing a 3rd and 20. If they pick this up, this game might be over. Nope. Field goal is BLOCKED! Oh, so this is just gonna be a stupid game, then.


Pickett comes out for his first career start. He's 4-for-4 on this drive. Johnson makes a sweet one-handed grab, but the officials correctly reverse the call, as his right foot landed out of bounds. Meanwhile, Von Miller is down. Boswell makes a 29-yarder with the highest difficulty rating you'll ever see. The rookie Khalil Shakir with a tough catch in traffic. Allen scrambles for 20. Bass makes this one. 10-3 Bills. Pickett throws across his body like some noob and it almost both gets caught and intercepted. Punt pins the Bills at the 1. The ex-Bill Levi Wallace intercepts Allen in the Steelers' end zone. The subsequent punt is also nearly blocked. MY GOD. Davis pulls another deep ball out of Fitzpatrick's hands for another touchdown! That one went for 62. Another three and out for the Steelers, then the Bills score again on a Diggs catch. Again, Johnson can't stay inbounds. Boswell MISSES. This is over, right? Touchdown Shakir and this is a rout after all. Romo correctly points out that these are the backups (no Isaiah McKenzie, no Dawson Knox.) Kaiir Elam intercepts Pickett, who hadn't actually been playing badly until that throw. They gotta go into the same tunnel at halftime? Rough.

Allen takes a quarterback draw for 35. Shovel pass is fumbled and the Steelers recover in the end zone. Romo: "This is how comebacks start, Jim." Easy now. (Though that probably prevented us from getting switched out, at least for now.) We got a fight on the sideline. Oh, OK. Bills defender hit a sliding Pickett and a Steelers offensive lineman knocked him down. That is NOT a legal hit, ref. They blew that one. Boswell misses to end the third and we're headed to... Cleveland. (Bills 38, Steelers 3)

And now that we're here, the Chargers take a 30-28 lead on a short field goal. Brissett gets trapped in the pocket but somehow escapes and gets to the Chargers' 25. Direct handoff to Njoku gets 12. Brissett throws across his body and you could see that interception coming a mile away. Chargers get to midfield and go for it on 4th and 2 — but they call a pass and Mike Williams can't catch it. First down Cooper. 54-yard try. WIDE RIGHT. (Chargers 30, Browns 28)

Fournette comes up inches short on fourth down. It's like he's playing Alabama again. 20-yard completion to Drake London is wiped out by offensive holding. Speaking of offensive, these two stink.


Brady finds Godwin wide open for 24. They gonna kick this or not? Oh, OK. 10-0 Bucs. Hodge drops what would have been an easy touchdown — they had the screen set up perfectly to beat the safety blitz. Koo misses right on a 52-yarder. Now the Buccaneers are set up for another one? Succop hits form 44 to end the half. Fournette scores finally. 21-0 Buccaneers after 3. Touchdown Avery Williams. OK then. Falcons have beaten the Buccaneers' blitzes pretty consistently today, and that one goes for a score. They're going for two with 4:38 left. They get it! And that's an absolutely horrible roughing the passer call on Grady Jarrett. Seriously. HE SACKED HIM. That's a joke.


That call decided the game. You've gotta be kidding me. (Buccaneers 21, Falcons 15)

The Vikings did whatever they wanted in the first half and now they're down by 1. Cousins SCRAMBLE? What? Then he sneaks it for the go-ahead touchdown. Bears driving. The receiver hesitates... and Dantzler takes it out of his hands! That's a brutal way to lose. (Vikings 29, Bears 22)

Wentz throws up a bizarre floater that gets caught out of bounds by Fulton, who plays for the Titans. Then he throws it short of the goal line into double coverage and it gets picked off. Good Lord. Game over. Wait, what? There's still six seconds left? Did they call Long down when he made the play? They must have. Way to twist the knife. (Titans 21, Commanders 17)

Taysom has four touchdowns.


I'm still not sure either of these teams are actually any good. (Saints 39, Seahawks 32)

Myers references the Phillies sweeping the Cardinals. Jen Hale's up in the stands with a bunch of Eagles fans, who have taken over this place. The Cardinals in black jerseys just looks wrong. Goedert getting some run early. Brown gets close to the marker. Eagles hurry up and go for it and Hurts picks it up on the sneak. Is that a triple-I formation? Hurts gets carried into the end zone by Goedert.


Oh look, the Cardinals are trailing early again. Gardner-Johnson jumps in front of a deep ball and picks off Murray. He's eventually ruled down there but it's still Eagles ball. Hurts slips and comes up short on a third-down bootleg.

Reverse to Rondale Moore does not fool Josh Sweat. Devonta bails Hurts out. Hurts does a nice job of turning upfield. Another quick sneak. And the next one yields six more points. Cardinals not firing on any cylinders right now. Hurts gets picked off on a pass that wouldn't have gotten to Brown. Wait, what? They're saying Thompson didn't have possession. They're... right? It popped out? That's a break. Hurts finally gets caught for a sack after running around for about eight seconds. Tough catch by Hollywood. Then he breaks a tackle, makes two dudes miss, and scores. Kelce down again. They've already lost Dickerson, And Kelce went into the medical tent earlier before coming right back out. And that's why the Ravens got rid of Hollywood — juggled and dropped an easy one. Fake punt! It works! I respect it. Conner breaks some tackles and gets a helmet to the stomach for his trouble. Cards call time with 10 seconds left. Fade to Moore is too high. Both teams are without their regular kickers. Chip shot is good and it's 14-10 Eagles at the half. Smith takes a hit from Budda Baker and keeps going. Holding call ends up killing the drive. Cameron Dicker hits from 42.

Moore picks up 3rd and 17, then A.J. Green smartly keeps his feet inbounds on 3rd and 3. Reddick sack ends the drive. Cardinals bring the house and bring down Hurts. The fourth quarter starts with the Cardinals down to one running back (Benjamin). Moore wide open in the middle of the field. Murray takes off for 12.


Touchdown Benjamin. Can't run a screen with no blockers. Eagles doing a very good job of bleeding the clock. We're at two minutes already? Two runs, then Hurts misses Watkins on a risky pass. Dickert comes in and puts the Eagles ahead. Murray misses a wide-open Ertz. He scrambles again and slides. I hate Cardinals games. Wait, he didn't get the first down? Remember, the spot is where the slide starts. So it's 4th and 1.


FOX is showing this guy missing right during warmups. Twenty-two seconds left. Here we go. HE MISSED IT RIGHT! That ending usually goes against the Eagles with this crew.

(Eagles 20, Cardinals 17)


That's not even a good color for them. People are asking if FOX got the Masters rights. Sack-fumble touchdown followed by a blocked punt. Not a good start, Rams! Kupp turns on the afterburners. Pollard runs through the Rams for a 57-yard score.

Stafford's getting beaten up. This isn't healthy. (Cowboys 22, Rams 10)

Both teams need to win. Ronnie Stanley's been gone for almost two years? Bengals are dispatched quickly on their first series. Was that supposed to be a direct snap to Duvernay? He drops it but picks it up and gets 12 anyway. No Bateman for the Ravens? Field goal is good. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! THAT'S JUNGLE BOY'S MUSIC!!!

(The band's name is Baltimora. They were from Italy.) Tirico: "Hey, Bengals. First kickoff return of the year." Wait, how? JPP with a sack.

Touchdown Andrews. Vonn Bell intercepts Lamar on a deep ball. Mike (not Michael) Thomas breaks a tackle and gets 33 on a pass play. Touchdown Hayden Hurst, the ex-Raven.

Field goal ties it at 10, somehow. Lamar overthrew Duvernay, who had them beat. Then on 4th and 2, he overthrows Tyler Wallace, who had no one within 20 yards of him. Cris wonders if he's cursed him. Then Patrick Queen picks off Burrow. And that's a terrible decision by Burrow, because Queen was RIGHT THERE. He's done some legitimately strange bad things this year. Tucker makes a 58-yarder like it's nothing. Bengals finally getting some traction on the ground. They try to runt he Philly Special with Tyler Boyd, but Marcus Peters was not having it. Now the Bengals go for it on fourth and goal but it's incomplete. Why?


Ravens on the move. They get held up at the 5 when Lively gets knocked out of bounds just short of the marker. Harbaugh mad as usual. After some dithering, they kick a field goal. Have they ever run a quarterback sneak with Lamar? Seems like they should. Anyway, it's 16-10.

He's trusting his defense. (And that they'll get the ball back if they let him down.) Chase! Two minutes left. Burrow sneaks it in. McPherson puts the PAT over the right upright. Ravens start drilling. They've got all three time outs, by the way. First one's called with 1:06 left.

Replays of the two big misses by Lamar tonight. The Bengals had 12 men on the field, so the Ravens get their time out back AND four seconds. Lamar runs THROUGH the blitz for 20! Yeah, it's over if they don't fumble. First down exhausts the Bengals' last time out. You know how this goes.


(Ravens 19, Bengals 17)

The Raiders run a not-great play fake on 4th and 1 from their 42 and Adams is somehow wide open for a touchdown.


This week's Chiefs kicker, Matthew Wright, misses from 41.

Adams can't block Frank Clark, nor should he be asked to. Jaylen Watson gets called for DPI on an underthrown jump ball in the end zone. Crowd is furious. Raiders cash in and they're just pushing the Chiefs around right now. The Raiders think about it again at the Chiefs' 36, but change their mind and Carlson hits a 53-yarder. The Chiefs finally convert a third down and Mahomes gets sacked on the next play. McKinnon finally pushes back. Edwards-Helaire makes a half-diving catch but he's ruled down at the 1. Mahomes finds Kelce in the back of the end zone. Chris Jones sacks Carr and forces a fumble, but the Brady thing strikes again. This crowd is ready to riot.



So instead of Chiefs ball, the Raiders get three more points on a Carlson 50-yarder. There's gonna be a fight before this game ends. Matthew Wright hits from 59 to end the half! And Chiefs fans are still pissed (and they should be.)

Chiefs get the second half kickoff and immediately start cooking. Touchdown Kelce and it's 20-17. Chiefs fans are STILL booing. My God. Raiders in first and 25. Nice work. They've come unglued. Denzel Perryman sacks Mahomes and the crowd boos because they want a flag. Good job, NFL. Good fucking job. Kelce scores his third touchdown of the night and the Chiefs lead. Josh Jacobs breaks off a big run. Carr gets sacked; no flag.

Carlson hits from 47. But that won't stop the Chiefs' offense. Wright misses a field goal but there's a flag. Defensive holding, automatic first down. The Raiders killing themselves with penalties? THAT'S never happened before.

TOUCHDOWN KELCE. That's FOUR.


They go for two but the pass is batted down.


Adams! He beat two guys with a subtle double move and Carr dropped it into his pocket. They go for two and give it to Jacobs — and he doesn't make it! He's been running over the Chiefs all night and they finally stopped him. So it's 30-29. Raiders force a three-and-out! Now the Chiefs punt. Chris Jones is mad again, this time complaining about an uncalled hold.


They're reviewing this Adams catch on the sideline. Jaylen Watson's having a rough night. This may not count... and it won't.

Fourth and 1 from the 47, with 47 seconds left and no time outs. Everyone falls down and there are no flags. (Chiefs 30, Raiders 29)
RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. Philadelphia (5-0) — Narrow escape from the desert

2. Kansas City (4-1) — Narrow escape from the plains

3. Buffalo (4-1) — The machine at work

4. Dallas (4-1) — Starting to look legitimate

BOTTOM 4:

29. Detroit (1-4) — And now the offense is kaput

30. Washington (1-4) — We've seen all of this before

31. Houston (1-3-1) — Not pretty, and just barely effective

32. Carolina (1-4) — I don't see this working out

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