Thursday, December 2, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Rush Job

Who's even left for the Browns at this point? No Baker, no Chubb, no Hunt, no Jack Conklin, probably no Beckham. At least Jarvis Landry's back? Erin just said Beckham's going to try to play, so. First play is a pass to Landry. Screen to Austin Hooper for 34, his biggest play as a Brown by a large margin. D'Ernest Johnson finds a big hole. They scored in five plays. Landry doing work so far. He juggles this ball and somehow keeps it off the ground. Leaping interception attempt by Justin Simmons fails, and a poor cameraman pays the price. 52-yarder is good after a high snap. Sutton with a one-handed catch and the Broncos finally do something. John Johnson picks off Bridgewater in the end zone. That pass never had a chance.


The Broncos can't get a stop. Beckham slips and falls on third and 13. Field goal is BLOCKED. Now Von Miller's being helped off the field. He collided with his teammate and their legs slammed together. That's a good punt. Sutton gets hit with OPI, which will surely end the half. Aikman's not sure that was catchable. 10-0 Browns but it feels like it should be more. Buck points out that the Browns won the toss but took the ball first, which doesn't happen anymore. Hey, a Kendall Hinton sighting. You may remember him as the practice squad wide receiver who had to play quarterback against the Saints last season when all of the Broncos' real QBs got shunted to COVID protocol.


Hey, it's first and goal! Melvin Gordon tumble-dives into the end zone. Keenum gets rid of the ball under a LOT of pressure to Johnson for a first down. Browns go for it on 4th and 3 from the 6 (!) and Keenum scrambles and fights through a tackle to get it. The ball comes out and Hooper falls on it in the end zone, but he got the first down. Touchdown pass to the fullback.


We got a challenge on this Landry catch. Call REVERSED, forcing a fourth down punt. Shot of Elway in the visitor's box sends the entire city into spasms. Bridgewater sneaks it on fourth and short from the Browns' 11. This is CLOSE. Aikman doesn't think he made it.  Buck: "And that's a first down." Touchdown Williams! Johnson breaks away and gets dragged down from behind. He's been big tonight.



Two minutes! Johnson picks up another first down and that's that. (Browns 17, Broncos 14)


Signal Finder: CIN @ BAL, PHI @ LV, CHI @ TB

The Bengals haven't thrown to Marlon Humphrey's side yet. On this 4th and 1, they threw to Chase, but Jimmy Smith was on him. Nice leaping catch by Tee Higgins to steal an interception away. 52-yarder is good. Burrow's throat is still bothering him, so the Bengals have been doing silent counts today. Lamar scramble gets them into Tucker's range, but the Ravens punt instead, taking Harlan by surprise. Now the Bengals get Uzomah on Humphrey, and he beats him and fights off a tackle for a touchdown!


Jackson gets a good spot on a scramble. Quarterback draw gets him to the 2. Freeman punches it in. The Burrow-Chase reunion is going a lot better than the Lawrence-Etienne reunion. Bengals lead 13-10 at halftime. Wild fingertip catch by Hollywood Brown for the touchdown! He got that left foot down JUST before his knee landed out of bounds, too. Uzomah breaks another tackle and walks into the end zone. Bengals retake the lead. They've scored on their first drive of the second half in every game so far. Chase spins out of a jam and runs away from the defense. 82 yards! 27-17 BENGALS? Bengals stop the Ravens on 4th and 7 on their side of the field. Mixon touchdown makes it 34-17. This was... unexpected. Are the Bengals legit? (Bengals 41, Ravens 17)



Derrick Henry just threw a touchdown pass. Then the Titans marched 97 yards down the field on their next possession. Now it's 24-0 after the Titans capitalize on another deflected Mahomes pass that got intercepted. And now Mahomes is in the medical tent. This may be the worst day of his career. (Titans 27, Chiefs 3)

I don't mind this shade of green for the Packers. I do mind those orange helmets. Who thought this would work?


This was not all at one time, though it felt like it. (Note that Washington's lone touchdown was a 40-yard pass play.) (Packers 24, Washington 10)

We got 5-3 at MetLife HQ! The Panthers' offense just doesn't function without McCaffrey. (Giants 25, Panthers 3)

No Darren Waller for the Raiders in a late development. Goedert gets some air and makes the catch. This is more carries than Sanders had all last week. Touchdown... Gainwell? OK then. Lot of Eagles fans in the house. Can the Eagles decline this? Why didn't they? And then Zay Jones makes a jumping sideline catch for 43. Interception! Pass goes off Jalen Richard's hands and Maddox makes the play inside the 10. Sanders down and hurt. Looks like an ankle injury. Hunter Renfrow making moves. Waller's replacement, Foster Moreau, with a great catch in traffic for a  touchdown.

Well, he finally didn't and Smith makes a tough catch on the sideline. Christ, I forgot Vilma was doing this game. Hurts gets sacked at midfield on third down after a false start. Mariota! Raiders are driving. Screen to Jacobs gets them to the Eagles' 8. Jacobs goes outside and scores.



Then Gainwell fumbles. I'm not sure I can overturn this. These angles are terrible. Call STANDS. Raiders add a field goal to lead 17-7 at halftime. Both Sanders and Jacobs are ruled out. Onside kick? Really? Touchdown Kenyan Drake, which helps one of my fantasy teams. Hurts slides two yards short of the marker to save his own life. Delay of game on the Eagles wipes out a sack. There's no way Kelce took his own helmet off.


Raiders doing whatever they want. Hey, let's feature Bryan Edwards on this drive. Now Sirianni doesn't challenge this Renfrow catch that he could have won. Touchdown. Extra point CLANGS no good. 30-7.


Hurts slides and gets rocked. Goedert gets inside the 5. Max Crosby stuffs a Hurts sneak attempt. Then Hurts fumbles and the Raiders recover.


Eagles patch together a drive that ends with a Boston Scott touchdown. Raiders add a field goal. Reagor outjumps three Raiders and runs in for a score. Onside kick again fails.


Carr only had three incompletions? Good Lord. (Raiders 33, Eagles 22)

Big punt return! Fournette gets stopped at the 2 but scores on the next play. Fields is chased out of the pocket under pressure and gets picked off. Touchdown Godwin and it's already 14-0 Buccaneers. Fields fumbles on third down and the Bucs recover. Another short field for Tampa. Touchdown Evans! That's 600 (regular season) touchdown passes for Brady. Evans threw the ball into the stands!! We see a team official talking to the guy who had it. Tracy reports that they got a game ball and maybe a signed jersey in exchange. Nantz: "That's a bad deal." Bears on the move? Third down pass into the end zone is too high. Field goal is good. Brady goes 46 yards to Evans, then back to Evans for a touchdown. How is it not halftime yet? This Buccaneers defensive front is feasting today. Good Lord, are they going to score AGAIN? They sure are, and it's Evans for the third time this HALF. 35-3 at halftime. Bears force a punt to start the second half. Ronald Jones getting the run on this drive. Bucs going for it on 4th and goal from the 1. Jones goes up and... does not get over. Fields gets intercepted again, but not on third down this time. This time the Buccaneers try the field goal. (Buccaneers 38, Bears 3)

WE GOT ANOTHER FIVER. Touchdown Ertz! And this one's gonna stick.

(Cardinals 31, Texans 5)

The weather's terrible. They've added background echo vocals to the song. 49ers get the ball first. Andrew Sendejo's still in the league? Why? Colts can't stop this Mitchell kid. Extra point MISSES. (Note that this is Joey Slye kicking, as Robbie Gould is hurt.) Colts' first play is a fumble by Taylor and the 49ers recover. Two straight incompletions lead to a Slye field goal. Pittman might have pushed off. Oh, they called it on Norman. So that'll be a 57-yard pass. Play fake to Taylor and Mo Alie-Cox has an easy touchdown. DeForest Buckner being traded to the Colts is discussed, and it ended up being a case of the 49ers couldn't pay everybody. Slye hits from 56. Condoleeza Rice in the visiting owner's box. Taylor with burst. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Nick Bosa blew up Eric Fisher and Wentz made a blind dump-off shovel pass that went right to the defense. Dee Ford chases Wentz out of the pocket and he almost throws another pick. That's at least the second near-miss. Aiyuk muffs the punt, kicks it unintentionally, and the ball goes into the end zone. It's a touchback but I don't  understand why he didn't just go down when he recovered it in the end zone. The backup balls WILL BE IN PLAY. I repeat: THE BACKUP BALLS WILL BE IN PLAY. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.


Now the Colts get a takeaway when Leonard punches the ball away from Deebo Samuel. OK, that's definitely DPI on Pittman. Taylor hesitates and is stopped. Wentz keeps it on a bootleg and scores!


Two-point try almost couldn't have gone worse. Colts fumble but they recover it. I think Shanahan didn't mean to challenge that? The challenge flag is out. This has to go through, right? Why would he even challenge? It's not like the 49ers recovered. Anyway, the challenge fails.



Defense holds. Garoppolo gets sacked and fumbles! Moseley's out here mugging people tonight. Taylor with an absolutely filthy cutback and he walks into the end zone. 20-12 Colts. The Wentz interception on the shovel pass has been changed to a fumble. (This apparently happened 40 minutes ago but Al and Cris are just now telling us.) Touchdown Samuel! 49ers go for two but the pass is knocked down. Wentz takes off and gets a first down. Holding call negates another first down and the Colts kick it. 23-18 with seven minutes left. Al admits this shot of the Bay Bridge, which, again, they are nowhere near, was from the night before. Garoppolo makes a bad decision and Xavier Rhodes eventually ends up with it. Touchdown? Nope, he stepped out of bounds when he got pushed back. Cris compares Rhodes limping off in pregame warmups and coming back to play to Willis Reed, and Al tells him that it's not really the same thing. Pittman climbs the ladder, keeps his feet, and scores! 30-18. Collinsworth says Jamarr Chase is already the best wide receiver in Bengals history. Garoppolo throws up a wobbler that gets intercepted and that's that. Wentz: "Beautiful night in the Bay." (Colts 30, 49ers 18)

Monday night? In Seattle? GUARANTEED SHENANIGANS. Matt Hasselbeck raises the 12 flag. He's going into the Ring of Honor at halftime. Seahawks go three and out to start. Peyton's wearing an Ole Miss jersey to pay off a bet with Eli on the Ole Miss-Tennessee game. (31-26 Eli.) Metcalf breaks a tackle on the sideline and that's that. 84 yards. Did Lattimore fall down? It's so windy the goalposts are actually moving. Marshawn's mic is out of sync.


Lattimore gets caught swiping at Metcalf. Peyton to Marshawn: "I've done some cool things, but I've never caused an earthquake." Apropos of nothing, ESPN and ESPN2 have different commercials. Screen to Kamara gets 23 to start the second quarter. I'm not sure Jameis has thrown a third-down pass past the first-down marker yet. Tom Brady joins the Mannings and says he's become a warm-weather quarterback.


Penalty? Now it's 4th and 1 and there's another one. Jameis sneak picks up a first down. Then he shows off the wheels and runs for 18 after the play breaks down. Goal line pass gets knocked down! Saints kick a field goal. Kamara already with seven catches, this one putting the Saints in field goal range with a minute left.


Kamara again and he turns it into a touchdown. Oh, Jameis dropped the snap! I didn't see that originally and was wondering why Levy said that play could have been a disaster. 10-7 Saints at halftime.



Peyton can't wait to get that jersey off. He's played in all three Seahawks stadiums. I, too, am wondering why they have preseason footage. Another personal foul on Lattimore. Back-to-back sacks, then Myers misses from 44. Well, that was disastrous. Kevin White's still in the league? Jamal Adams breaks up a deep ball intended for Kenny Stills, who I also didn't know was a Saint. I guess with Michael Thomas out they're looking anywhere for receivers. The Seahawks haven't stopped those screens to Kamara all night. Fumble! Seahawks recover and Sue Bird approves. Gardner-Johnson drops an interception and the Seahawks tie it with a field goal. Graphic shows Bird has as many pro titles as Peyton and Eli combined. Time for the fourth quarter. Shenanigans incoming. Another miss by Myers ends a decent drive by Geno. Jameis gets trapped in the pocket, then takes a shot to the head. There's the flag. Kamara runs for 12 on 3rd and 10. Jameis overthrows everybody on third down. Riddick says he missed Kamara but he was covered. Seahawks jump offside on 4th and 5, giving the Saints a first down. Griese reminds us that the Seahawks only have one time out left with 3:05 to go. Callaway stayed inbounds? Nice work. Riddick mentions that Taysom Hill is hurt and I realize we haven't seen him tonight. Jameis gets sacked again! Two minutes left. Brian Johnson, the third replacement for the injured Wil Lutz, gives the Saints the lead. Malcolm Jenkins buries Geno on a blitz. And its DeMario Davis on the next play. Brees: "What have we got, fourth and California?" Davis breaks up a pass intended for Metcalf and that's it. Jameis and Geno greet each other afterwards. Those are two guys who took two sides of the same path. The Seahawks are in real trouble. They can't win without Wilson. (Saints 13, Seahawks 10)


RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Arizona (7-0) — This doesn't seem real
2. Green Bay (6-1) — Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake
3. L.A. Rams (6-1) — Goff is denied his revenge
4. Tampa Bay (6-1) — Getting that look

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (1-5) — Ever seen a live murder?
30. Miami (1-6) — Seriously?
31. Houston (1-6) — No plan in sight
32. Detroit (0-7) — A rare non-competitive effort


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Sunday, November 28, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Priors Confirmation

Whose idea was this? Seriously. No Lavonte David, either? That's actually helpful for the Eagles. Brady getting the everliving fuck booed out of him. Buck calls it "the ultimate sign of respect." I mean, for some people. Godwin gets 10 on 3rd and 8, creating first and goal. There's been so much space for the Buccaneers' receivers to work in. Buck mentions Howard Eskin for... some reason. Touchdown O.J. Howard, who slipped on the way to the spot. Hurts loses two. Shaq Barrett jumps WAY offside. Hurts scrambles for a first down. Watkins makes a diving catch on a throw on the run. Replay shows that pass was deflected. Richard Sherman headed to the locker room. Sanders got a personal foul that no one at Fox seems to be able to find. Reagor slows down on an underthrown ball and draws a DPI flag. Touchdown Ertz! Fournette trucks Singleton, which is a metaphor for how the Eagles' defense has done so far. Touchdown Brown. Has Brady thrown an incompletion yet? One, apparently. Bucs wait a little too long to bring out the punt team on 4th and 2, and call time out. They punt anyway.


Low throw from Brady gets tipped and Epps comes up with it. Is it a catch? Pereira doesn't think so. This has taken a while. Call REVERSED, though that does make it fourth down. That's not enough to overturn that call.


Trout's here tonight, I guess. Hurts overthrows Watkins and Jamel Dean comes up with the pick.


There's that space again, on the Brown screen and then the pass to Fournette. The Bucs' pass-catchers have so much room to make catches and work. I know I already pointed this out but that's kind of my point. Fournette punches it in after the two-minute warning. Eagles go three and out. Brady throws up... something and Anthony Harris, who's back in after hurting his hand, picks it off. No idea what happened there. Reagor incompletion review takes about 15 seconds. There have somehow been three changes of possession inside two minutes. 21-7 Bucs at halftime. Runyan and Tra Thomas join the Eagles Hall of Fame during halftime. Rough start for the Eagles to the second half. Troy: "It feels too easy right now." Fournette to the 1. He scores two plays later. Buck: "That was easy." Reagor draws another big DPI flag. THEY CALLED A RUNNING PLAY! That gets the biggest pop of the night. Hurts rolls out on 4th and 5 and takes it in himself.


If Sirianni is going to call nothing but screens he should just steal Andy's. This is a catch by Watkins as we start the fourth. Eagles challenge. Another Sanders run gets another huge sarcastic cheer. Then THIS happens:


Then the Buccaneers go for it on 4th and 2 at midfield and Brady badly overthrows Howard. Eagles take over with about 9:20 left. BACK-TO-BACK CARRIES FOR SANDERS. Then he gets them to the 1. Hurts keeps it on an option and scores. They go for two and get it! Buck and Aikman seem surprised that this is somehow a six-point game. Frankly, so am I. The hell with this taunting rule. Seriously. Brady zings one to Brown for 27 on 3rd and 7. The dagger just came out. And there it is.


The line was a too-low 6.5. (Buccaneers 28, Eagles 22)


Fifty-four-yarder is BARELY good. I mean BARELY. Dolphins go for it, and Green thinks they are going for it. Malcom Brown takes the handoff — and doesn't get there! Lawrence gets sacked twice in a row. It's 3rd and 20 and we're going to overtime. OR NOT? Super-quick throw by Lawrence to Shenault, then they call time out. Wright from 53. IT'S GOOD!!


(Jaguars 23, Dolphins 20)


So that's how that's going. Man, Nate Solder has been an absolute bust as a Giant. And this defense is getting steamrolled.


(Rams 38, Giants 11)

In case you needed a reminder of how trash the Washington Football Team is. This is what they did for the Sean Taylor jersery retirement ceremony that they claim they had planned for months but didn't announce until Thursday:


Hill is called down after the ball comes out. Someone named Jody Fortson's making circus catches. Touchdown Darrell Williams. Heinecke not off to the best start. Big play to Hardman puts the Chiefs in the red zone. Hill can't handle the pass and it's intercepted. Chiefs get a... stop? OK. Can't kick field goals against the Chiefs. Chiefs come up with a fumble recovery of their own. It's their first takeaway in four games? Who are they, last year's Eagles? Charles Davis is wondering how Kelce's gonna look on this drive. Two plays later he commits offensive pass interference, so I don't know if that's an answer. Hardman fumbles and Washington gets it. Sloppy game so far. Seals-Jones breaks free and scores. Mahomes drops the snap, throws up a duck, and it gets intercepted. That's awful and the Chiefs are trailing a bad Washington team at halftime. Hopkins misses a field goal. Mahomes throws a laser to Hill for a touchdown. Then the Chiefs get a big punt return with 15 yards added for an illegal block by the PUNTER. The Washington Football Team, ladies and gentlemen! Williams cuts outside and scores easily. 24-13 Chiefs. I know it's the Chiefs' offense, but the Washington defense might be the most disappointing unit in the league this season. Heinecke gets sacked and keeps going. Or maybe he wasn't? He wasn't! He rolled over Frank Clark and managed to throw the ball away. Fair catch at the 4? Really? Mahomes finds Robinson on 3rd and 8 with 4:11 left and that should do it. (Chiefs 31, Washington 13)



I thought Dominic Rhodes actually played for the Ravens at one point. It was actually the Raiders. (Ravens 34, Chargers 6)

Nagy calls a timeout, then throws the challenge flag. That seems wildly inefficient. They say the catch was short, so Nagy wins the challenge after all. Rodgers sneaks for a first down, making it not matter in the end. Bears football in a nutshell. There's Adams. Shovel pass to Lazard finds pay dirt. Crosby with an uneventful extra point, which everyone involved will gladly accept. Jones catches a touchdown pass and it feels like the proverbial snowball's rolling downhill now.


Or not.


Oof. (Packers 24, Bears 14)

Cowboys already going for 4th and short. Doesn't look like Zeke got there. Never challenge spots, McCarthy! Call STANDS. Have you learned NOTHING. Patriots get the ball and Harris takes off for 21. He scores two plays later. Cowboys fake to Zeke and Dak finds Jarwin for six.


None whatsoever. Patriots moving quickly. Touchdown Hunter Henry. Are we headed for a shootout here? Tyron Smith gets flagged for choking a dude, wiping out a big catch by Cedrick Wilson. Bad, late throw by Dak gets picked off in the end zone. Mac to Agholor for 27. Meyers touchdown gets called back by offensive holding, then Mac gets wrecked on a strip sack and the Cowboys recover. J.C. Jones breaks up a would-be touchdown pass to Wilson as CBS flashes the TOUCHDOWN graphic anyway. Cowboys block a punt! Dak sneak gets stuffed. Now he leaps over the pile and gets there. The ball comes out. Whoa, that's a fumble! Replay shows the ball came out before it broke the plane. Nantz and Romo wonder why the sneak before wasn't reviewed, since they thought he'd scored on that play. Steratore explains that they never saw where the ball was. Call is correctly REVERSED and the Patriots take over at the 20. Pats content to go into halftime with the lead. Second half has started the opposite of the first half. Footage of Jerry and Kraft greeting each other and posing for a picture, for some reason. Touchdown Lamb, who beats Jalen Mills in the corner. That's the Cowboys' 2500th touchdown, which... OK? Good for you?


Is the poll out? Because Ole Miss is 12th now and they were 13th during the first game. Someone named Rhamondre Stevenson scores and the Patriots retake the lead, 21-20. Penalty pushes the Cowboys back 10 yards. Dak scrambles and dives but he doesn't get there. Fourth and 1. The FIELD GOAL TEAM comes on? With this much time left? Really?


51-yarder is NO GOOD! Did the Pats get a piece of that kick? Diggs picks off Mac Jones and takes it to the house! Touchdown Cowboys! That's, what, seven interceptions already for him? Yeah. Then the Patriots come right back and Kendrick Bourne dusts Diggs for a touchdown! Good Lord. This game is drunk again. Romo sneaks in a Bourne Identity joke and no one notices. Yet ANOTHER penalty on the Cowboys. As expected, McCarthy has absolutely butchered the end of this game. And again they try a field goal with 24 seconds left on 4th and 1.




It's good. The Patriots get the ball first in overtime and do nothing with it. Dak finds Lamb and he'll walk into the end zone. Cowboys win in spite of themselves. (Cowboys 35, Patriots 29, OT)

Tirico subbing for Al tonight, who likely didn't want flashbacks from the awful Super Bowl these two played. They have a Tirico/Collinsworth booth frame for the intro? GENO. Three straight punts to start. Doing great. We have downed punt drama. The knock back is fine. What happens with the Seahawk player who picks it up for some reason? He gets knocked backwards over his own teammate and loses the ball. Looks like it'll be a touchback. Najee Harris is 232 pounds? He doesn't look it. Tirico and Collinsworth wonder if the Steelers' offense is shifting back to run-first. First quarter ends without incident. Or points. That's not a good punt. Diontae Johnson gets the Steelers into field goal range on a sweep. Ben finds Harris, and he finds the end zone. He gets free on the next drive but the throw is slightly long. Jet sweep to EBRON? Touchdown Steelers! Highsmith sacks Smith. Some interesting wig colors in the crowd tonight. Halftime! Seahawks have 65 yards of offense. Seahawks get the ball to start the third quarter. This drive is a slog. An effective slog, but a slog none the less. Touchdown!


Look, the Seahawks can't afford to lose any more running backs. That's Gerald Everett, formerly of the Rams, making that big play downfield for the Seahawks. Geno hits Dissly for a touchdown. Steelers get a clutch sack and the Seahawks can only kick a field goal to tie. Seahawks challenge this incompletion, claiming that its a fumble by Roethlisberger. They are correct. (Remember, the Tuck Rule doesn't exist anymore.) Call REVERSED. Seahawks take over at the Steelers' 35. They force a punt. Johnson drops a diving attempt on a second down, then Ben overthrows Claypool on third. Steelers come up with another big stop. This looks bad. Darrell Taylor's been down for a while. Cart's out. Two minutes left. Claypool can't stay inbounds AND he gets called for OPI. Pass to Harris gets 17 on 3rd and 20, getting them back into field goal range. Boswell from 52 into the closed end of the stadium, Tirico notes. No doubt about that one. Big difference between Wilson and Geno in this spot. Metcalf makes a tough catch on the sideline that stands. Metcalf fumbles but Swain is on it.


Ten seconds left! They've gotta spike it. They get it off with one second, but the clock reads zeroes. It's always something with the Seahawks at night. And this game's in Pittsburgh! Great work by McAuley on this explanation — the clock was stopped to review the catch/fumble, meaning the spike play didn't count. Now they spike it. Field goal is good and we have our third overtime game of the day.


McCloud gets stonewalled on third down, forcing the Steelers to punt. Seahawks FUMBLE! T.J. Watt got away from five guys and knocked the ball out of Geno's hands. Do you even run a play here? Ben slides to the middle of the field and goes down. Boswell's on. It's GOOD!


Damaging loss for the Seahawks, and a badly needed win for the Steelers. (Steelers 23, Seahawks 20, OT)

Devin Singletary being showcased for a trade? He hardly plays anymore. Vrabel tries to recreate the Music City Miracle on a punt return but a flag comes out for an illegal forward pass.



Poyer makes a great leaping interception. Knox touchdown gets called back. Bills settle for another field goal. Well, there goes Derrick Henry. 76 yards and it was over after seven.


Actual Music City Miracle highlights bring us back from commercial. Allen finds Sanders in the middle of the zone. Touchdown to Stefon Diggs, which is his second, tying him with his brother, who is a cornerback. Riddick: "That's easy." Pass goes off Micah Hyde's helmet, and Julio Jones falls out of bounds making this catch. Wait, they said he caught it? There's pass interference on Hyde. Oh, Julio did drag his left foot! That's a great catch. Clip of Henry damn near killing Josh Norman with a stiff arm last year. Byard picks off Allen. Taylor Lewan down? That's not good for the Titans. Cart is out and he's strapped all the way in. He gives the thumbs-up on the way out. Tannehill keeps it and scores. Titans back up 17-13. Allen rolls out and no one covers Beasley in the end zone. Batson being helped off. 20-17 Bills at halftime, which is more points that I'd have figured for. Henry cuts back and gets 20, only because Hyde sacrificed himself to prevent the touchdown. A.J. Brown with his first catch of the night. Touchdown Henry! 24-23 Titans.


TOMMY SWEENEY? Then the Bills run the Philly Special for the two-point conversion. Henry just scores touchdowns out of nowhere. You look up and he's in the end zone. 34-31 Titans with 3:05 left. KICKOFF RETURN TOUCHDOWN? Check this flag. It's never good. Yep, illegal block. Why are the Titans sitting back on defense? Allen leaps towards the marker at the 3. Did he get there? Refs say no. He didn't see Beasley in the end zone. Fourth and half a yard. Bills line up to go for it and the TITANS call time out. SNEAK? He didn't make it! That never had a chance. This is the third game ending Vrabel's butchered, and the second time he's gotten away with it.


(Titans 34, Bills 31)

RANKINGS:

TOP 4: 

1. Arizona (6-0) — This week it's an offense party

2. L.A. Rams (5-1) — Running warmups

3. Green Bay (5-1) — Still collecting rent

4. Tampa Bay (5-1) — Uh-oh

BOTTOM 4: 

29. N.Y. Giants (1-5) —  Limp and listless

30. Jacksonville (1-5) — Home field advantage!

31. Miami (1-5) — Seriously?

32. Detroit (0-6) — A rare non-competitive effort

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Monday, November 15, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Red Receipts

MY EYES! MY EYES! Apparently the Rams' kickoff returner was also affected. No Chris Carson for the Seahawks. Woods makes a juggling sliding catch for 11 yards. The Seahawks run it at Aaron Donald on 4th and 2. It ends about how you'd expect.


Woods is left open and he gets to the Seahawks' 10. An actual seahawk lands on some dude's head as the first quarter ends. Quadre Diggs intercepts Stafford in the back of the end zone! Then Ramsey makes a play and Troy Reeder gets an interception of his own. Pete Carroll (70) is twice as old as Sean McVay (35). That's an easy interference call. Touchdown Metcalf! I wasn't sure we were gonna see a touchdown tonight. Rams pass up a 4th and 2 to kick a field goal with 1:12 left in the half. And medical people are looking at Stafford, so maybe that's why. Buck calls the offensive holding on the Lockett touchdown before the refs can announce it. Subsequent field goal goes left. Buck denounces the announcer jinx while Aikman correctly points out that the Seahawks fans will blame him anyway. Halftime! We see someone's hand with a bandage on a right index finger. I assume it's Stafford's since he was being looked at earlier. Pass hits Donald in the head. Punt takes a Seahawks bounce at the last minute and is downed at the Rams' 5. Big catch by Desean. Gay's field goal CLANGS through. Then the kickoff goes out of bounds.


Now Wilson's holding his middle finger after just missing Lockett after getting hit. HIGBEE. Touchdown Rams. BLOCKED PUNT! Then the punter picks it up and kicks it away anyway. There's a flag. WHAT?


What the hell? Replay shows he was definitely across the line of scrimmage. Rams got jobbed. Ah, Seattle nights.


Geno Smith in for the Seahawks. I genuinely forgot he was still in the league. That's a good ball to Dissly. Metcalf in the end zone! When's the last time Geno threw one of those? 2017, Buck says. Rams come right back with a touchdown. This Seahawks' defense isn't what it used to be. Gay's kickoff goes out of bounds AGAIN. Seahawks kick the field goal now, because they might as well. Seahawks hold and they'll get the ball back. Geno throws an interception. Lockett, the possible intended target, got tripped up and that'll probably be that. Probably should have been illegal contact. Field goal ices it. (Rams 26, Seahawks 17)


(Falcons 27, Jets 20)

Signal Finder: PHI @ CAR, CHI @ LV, NYG @ DAL

Eagles' first drive is ended by Jeremy Chinn, who should probably be on this team instead of Jalen Hurts. No McCaffrey again. Darnold's never run this much, at least not by design. This new punter might be the Eagles' second-best player. Slay with an interception! Bad high throw by Darnold. Screen to Watkins loses five. Third down pass to Smith is short and pulls him out of the end zone. Play action slant to Smith for a touchdown... but it's called back for OPI on Ward. Isn't that the same thing that happened last week?


They settle for a 30-yarder. Slay gives up a big play, then no one covers Tremble in the end zone. Maddox saves a touchdown with a last-second breakup of a pass to Robby Anderson. A better throw and that's a touchdown. Plug for Bucs-Eagles Thursday night, which is looking like the ultimate Revenge Game massacre. Hargrave goes in practically untouched and gets Darnold. Siposs's punt is partially blocked? Replay shows it wasn't actually touched, but the free rusher forced him to shank it. Late hit on D.J. Moore adds 15 yards.


Sweat gets a sack. Field goal is good. Bad snap gets away from Hurts, who doesn't fall on it and gets lucky that it goes out of the end zone. 15-3 Panthers. When did NASCAR drivers start doing SNF-style intros? Panthers call time out before a false start. They change their minds and decide to punt. Elliott forced to take a 58-yarder. It's GOOD. 15-6 at halftime. Barnett down. Smith gets the ball punched out and Chinn recovers. Cox with a sack. Been a long time. Then Hurts gives it right back on an overthrown deep ball that Donte' Jackson caught like he was the intended receiver. Then Slay gets his second pick on another ball Darnold shouldn't have thrown.


Hurts gets buried on back-to-back plays by Hasaan Reddick, who wrecked Mailata at right tackle. Hurts's arm is going forward here. Incomplete pass, not a fumble. 53 yards to Watkins! Then they get an interference call in the end zone. Hurts sneak isn't even close. Touchdown? What? OK! Now the Eagles can't get a stop to save their lives. Genard Avery with his first play as an Eagle. (He's been here 3 1/2 years.) Gonzalez hits from 50. Gainwell can't catch it on third down, and Ertz can't catch it on fourth. Not the best throw, but he's caught worse throws than that. They're lucky they're seeing Jets Darnold today. That ball to Anderson has to be thrown better, too. BLOCKED PUNT! Big catch by Goedert, followed by dropping a touchdown. Come on, man. Hurts takes it himself! They go for two and Hurts gets chased back 10 yards but still finds Smith in the back of the end zone. Darnold threads the needle to Anderson for 19 on 3rd and 15. Sounds like a lot of Eagles fans in the crowd — big pop on that offensive holding call. Intercepted by Nelson! I think that's more interceptions than Eagles DBs had all of last year. Sanders gets forced out of bounds twice on three runs. And the second time he lost three yards. STOP RUNNING OUTSIDE. Hurts keeper seals it. Not sure they deserved this one, but "deserve's got nothing to do with it." (Eagles 21, Panthers 18)

Joe Burrow's going to get himself killed.


If this doesn't work, you're giving Aaron Rodgers the ball at practically midfield. CLANG! No good! Then CROSBY misses! We've got overtime. And Burrow starts it with an absolutely terrible interception.


Crosby MISSES AGAIN! OH GOD OH NO. This is unconscionable.


We join right after this with 3:22 left and Rodgers gets sacked. Cobb with a tough catch for a first down. They're reviewing the spot. Recap shows that they've missed five field goals in 10 minutes of game time?



Pass is ruled short of a first down. Crosby is out. 49 yards. It's... GOOD! (Packers 25, Bengals 22, OT)

What happened to Washington's defense? It's been BAD this season. (Saints 33, Washington 22)

Fields looks absolutely dejected after that lateral attempt. That's Fields's first touchdown pass. To... Jesper Horsted? Raiders are sputtering this half. Carr gets picked off but the Raiders can't capitalize. He still looks mad three series later. Now he's down and Peterman is in.


Carr back in after two plays, and he gets called for delay of game as CBS shows a Peterman sneak. Jacobs finishes the drive with a touchdown. Bears get another field goal and now the Raiders are going backwards. (Bears 20, Raiders 9)

Cowboys go for it on 4th and 2 but the Giants intercept it! It was the right move! Expect McCarthy to punt every time for the rest of the game. Gano misses right from 54. If Elliott's rejuvenated, this offense becomes much more dangerous. Pass to Schultz broken up in the end zone. Field goal is good. Other than the pick, the Giants haven't really stopped the Cowboys yet. Wait, what happened to Barkley? He's getting carted off? Dak fumbles the snap and the Giants get it! Toney to the 1. Touchdown Giants, apparently?


Now Jones is being carted off. Cowboys streak down the field and Dak hits Cooper for a touchdown. Giants open the second half with a field goal, which is a minor miracle. Now Elliott's down after grabbing his back after landing out of bounds. He's up and headed to the sideline. Interference on Bradberry. Elliott back in and loses a yard. Touchdown on the next play. Trayvon Diggs picks off whoever the Giants' backup QB is (Jones is out with a concussion). Big Pollard run is called back by offensive holding. Pollard breaks some tackles and gains 13. Cowboys add three more. Mike Glennon lives! He's the Giants' backup. This is a good drive! They direct snap it to Kadarius Toney and he gets to the 2. Fourth down pass is... incomplete. WIDE RECEIVER PASS. Dak goes deep to Wilson on third and 1. Touchdown Elliott. Now we got a fight. Did somebody throw a punch? It was Toney! He's gone. Neither guy was involved in the play! They were just out here being mad. Who's left to catch passes for the Giants? John Ross and who else? I hope Gettleman has Ike Hilliard's number. This drive eventually ends in a touchdown after one on the previous play was ruled incomplete. Gratuitous pick-six to close. (Cowboys 44, Giants 20)

I've figured out what's bugging me about Carrie's dress. The shoulder pads are bigger than some of the players'. Allen runs through the Chiefs for a touchdown. I mean, through them. Fumble on the kickoff. Bills recover! Allen throws it away mid-collapse and gets called for grounding. Bills can't cover Hill, either. "GEHA Field"? The hell? Lot of activity here. About three guys stand under center before Mahomes returns and throws a touchdown to Pringle. Then this happened:

This was followed by Allen throwing an absolute strike to Emmanuel Sanders for a touchdown. Allen to Diggs for 61! This is an untalented Chiefs defense that is also schemed poorly. That same defense holds and the Bills kick a field goal. Dawson Knox playing center field here and it's touchdown Bills.

Get Sorenson out of coverage. He's dying out there. This Hardman play is gonna be changed to a completion. He's pretty clearly inbounds. Field goal is good. 24-13 Bills at halftime. There may be lightning in the area, Tirico says.


Oh, we're doing an extended halftime? It's anarchy on that stage. "You wanna go New England-Houston?"


We're being told that the teams will be allowed back on the field at 10:05 local time (11:05 here). We resume at 11:12 with the Bills getting the second-half kickoff.


Hill can't handle the pass, and Micah Hyde intercepts it. Touchdown Bills! Mahomes finds Hill to convert a 3rd down and get inside the Bills' 15. Sidearm pass gets deflected — and picked! Cris: "Everybody in Buffalo just jumped through a table on that play."




Chiefs get the ball back. DPI puts them in the red zone. Touchdown Chiefs and this isn't close to over. Roughing the passer call on Frank Clark wipes out a Chiefs' interception. Cris really doesn't like that call.


Touchdown Sanders! That might do it. Mahomes fumbles the snap, it goes back about 15 yards and the Bills end up with it. We're done here. This was about a five-minute window. Probably less.


OH. (Bills 38, Chiefs 20; White Sox 11, Astros 6)

It's the Carpetbagger Bowl! Wait, the Ravens hadn't fielded a kickoff until then? TAYLOR! Good Lord! That screen almost got tipped, for starters. That's the first first-quarter touchdown for the Colts this season. Colts challenge this catch and win, forcing a punt. Wentz throwing early under pressure and hitting his receiver. That didn't happen once last year. This offensive line's gotta protect. I know they don't have Quentin Nelson, but still. Wentz gets blindsided and fumbles. Ravens recover! Tavon Young comes unblocked on a safety blitz and gets Wentz. Lamar takes off and stumbles for a first down. Holy shit! They broke into the game to report that a new batch of emails was released and Jon Gruden just resigned! He was sending that shit while AT ESPN? Come on, man.





Mark Andrews comes up with a big catch. Lamar misfires for Hollywood and the Ravens settle for three. Wentz misses Parris Campbell, but finds Alie-Cox. Colts going for it on 4th and 11 instead of trying a 56-yarder. Pittman picks it up, but doesn't get out of bounds, so they have to use their last time out with three seconds left. Wait... the punter's kicking this field goal? He missed! HANG ON. Did Humphrey jump offsides (he did!) because Nyheim Hines was holding and he thought he smelled something? Now Blankenship is out and he makes a 37-yarder. 10-3 at halftime. Wentz gets hit as he throws and Pittman comes back to it! It's called a touchdown.


They're not even trying to throw at Humphrey. Extra point MISSES. Riddick, who briefly played for the Raiders and loved it there, is sick over what's happening in Vegas.


Lamar fumbles and Leonard picks it up. He laterals to Isaiah Rogers and he streaks down the sideline for a touchdown! Was Lamar's knee down? This is CLOSE. Call STANDS, but the lateral is ruled an illegal forward pass, taking the touchdown off the board. Levy's not sure about that. Neither am I, really. Great throw from Wentz to Alie-Cox. Touchdown Taylor. Colts going for two. Wentz fakes left, throws right, and it's picked! Lamar drops one into Hollywood's bread basket. Lamar keeps it for the two-point try but is called short. His elbow's down. Marlon Mack sighting! Showcasing for a trade tomorrow? Flea flicker try ends with Wentz throwing it away. Punter Sanchez back in for another field goal try, and this one's good. Devonta Freeman lives! And he gets the Ravens to the 5. Touchdown Andrews after Lamar had three days to find him. They go for two and Andrews gets it. 25-17 with nine-plus minutes left. Pass to Taylor's a little high but he brings it in and gets big yards. Taylor dives for a first down. Calais Campbell with a big stop on third down. Then Blankenship's field goal is blocked! Colts took their foot off the gas there — you gotta throw it on first down. I should mention here that they're down several cornerbacks, and Xavier Rhodes just went out on the previous series. Ravens on the move. Two minutes! Jackson keeps it and fumbles AGAIN? He's (correctly) called down. Then the Ravens lose two yards on a botched handoff. Touchdown Andrews! Two-point try also goes to Andrews and we're tied at 25! Wentz takes that sack last year. Good job by him to get rid of it. A Ravens defender makes a dumb, overly aggressive mistake at a crucial time? THAT'S never happened before. That'll give the Colts 15 yards AND save a time out. Wentz to Pascal for 15. Wentz dives to the center of the field and the Colts call their last time out. Let's try this again. WIDE LEFT. Is this dude hurt or something? Justin Tucker's a captain? Sure. Has everything the Ravens run on this OT drive been in the middle of the field? Touchdown Hollywood and the Ravens win. (Ravens 31, Colts 25, OT)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Arizona (5-0) — The defense shows up
2. Buffalo (4-1) — An important victory
3. L.A. Rams (4-1) — Rally on a short week
4. Green Bay (4-1) — Unnecessarily heart-stopping

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (1-4) — Very few encouraging signs
30. Miami (1-4) — Meanwhile, their defense got trashed this week
31. Jacksonville (0-5) — Lawrence isn't used to this
32. Detroit (0-5) — Only these guys would lose to the Vikings on a last-second field goal
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Sunday, November 7, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Happy Returns

It's the last two No. 1 overall picks AND a rematch of the 2020 national championship game. Feel the drama!

Lawrence rolls out as the pocket falls apart and he finds Shenault for 52! Was he down? Yeah, replay says Trae Waynes touched him down. Eli Apple's still in the league? Shenault loses the ball but he's down at the 1. It's fourth down. Lawrence keeps it and doesn't make it! The Bengals, already down 14 and pinned at their own 1, eventually decide to just bail and go into halftime to some boos. Speaking of halftime! It's announced that the Super Bowl halftime show will be Snoop, Dr. Dre, Eminem, Mary J. Blige and Kendrick Lamar. Snoop still holds Dre in the highest regard. Dre's produced all of the other acts at some point, right? Touchdown Uzomah! That came after a big play from Burrow to Jamarr Chase. Burrow sneak is called short. I can't tell. Call stands on replay. Mixon finishes it off. Freezer Bowl highlights!

Chris Long trolling hockey fans. Fall is HERE. Lawrence getting hit mid-slide somehow doesn't get flagged. Announcers think this James Robinson run will be a touchdown, as the Jags have challenged it. Call REVERSED and the Jags retake the lead.

Touchdown Uzomah! Flag's on Jacksonville and we're tied again. Holding on the Jaguars negates a sack on third and 1.

Uzomah again! 21 seconds left. They get a little closer and run down the clock. Here comes the rookie with four seconds left. It's GOOD! (Bengals 24, Jaguars 21)

Signal Finder: KC @ PHI, AZ @ LAR, TEN @ NYJ (OT), PIT @ GB

No Lane either? Christ. A "personal matter", say the announcers. Eagles are DRIVING. Hurts badly overthrows Ertz in the end zone. They're going for it? Well, yes, it's the Chiefs. Andy burns a time out and the Eagles change their minds. It's good, but you have to go for it against the Chiefs. Chiefs charging downfield. Hill gets around the corner and makes the pylon. Or not, as they put it at the 1. Shovel pass to Edwards-Helaire gets it. These defenses aren't good. Why is Kenny Gainwell the Eagles' second-best rookie? Touchdown Goedert? Yes. Steven Nelson can't cover Tyreek Hill. Didn't know Sirianni played at Mount Union, who ran D-III not that long ago. Interception? Nope, that hit the ground but still not a good decision by Hurts. "CSI: ?" The FIRST CSI was Vegas. Is this a sequel? Is Grissom back? Eagles lose a touchdown thanks to a penalty on Dillard. Hurts throws to no one on third down. Field goal is good as the fans boo. Another unnecessary penalty by Barnett. Chiefs score off a deflected shovel pass. That shouldn't even be possible. Two big catches from Smith. Hurts fumbles, and the ball goes back 20 yards but the Eagles somehow recover it. Halftime, mercifully. (Charles Davis had to realize that the Eagles actually recovered it, as Iain Eagle was convinced it was Chiefs ball.) Interception! Is that allowed? Can the Eagles do that? They settle for a field goal again, but the Chiefs were offsides and the ball moves to the 3. Eagles huddle, then Ertz finds the corner for a touchdown that gets called back due to a pick play.

Now they kick it AGAIN and it's good. Travis Kelce wears 87 because Jason (who's older) was born in 1987.

No way Sweat wasn't offsides there. Mahomes shooting laser beams. Touchdown Hill. Hurts drops one right in Devonta Smith's basket. But he clearly stepped on the sideline before he caught the ball. A great throw wasted. No one's punted yet? Won't be here, either. No one can cover Hill. (Certainly not on this team.) Garbage time! (Chiefs 42, Eagles 30)


We got an elevener! (Browns 14, Vikings 7)


We arrive to... overtime? Really, Titans? Wilson finds Keelan Cole on the sideline! But he doesn't see Corey Davis two plays later for a sure touchdown. Tevin Coleman's a Jet? Feels like Wilson was supposed to throw on that rollout. Field goal is good. 4:31 left. They should have given Rogers the first down off that catch. Ball's going to Henry here. There's only 31 seconds left? What the hell, Titans? Now a delay of game forces third and 10. Incomplete and they can't win this game now. This was managed horribly no matter what happens next. WIDE LEFT. JETS WIN. I have concerns, Titans. I have concerns. (Jets 27, Titans 24, OT)

Rams have owned the Cardinals recently. Stafford's still wearing 9 because the Rams have also retired 7 (Quarterback Bob Waterfield, who went into movie producing with his wife, Jane Russell, after his playing days. He was the first Ram to have his jersey retired and is in the Hall of Fame.) Have the Rams run the ball yet? I hope Chris Myers got some sleep last night — he called Arizona State-UCLA, which ended at around 2 a.m. Eastern. Touchdown! 21-10 Cardinals and I didn't see this coming. "Our Kind of People" appears to be black "Revenge." Crowd booing the roughing call on Leonard Floyd. Cardinals go up 24-10 at halftime. Stafford gets intercepted but it's called back because of a roughing penalty. Gay misses the field goal and the Cardinals drive for another touchdown. Stafford not having a great day. Fourth down pass goes through Higbee's hands and that feels like the end. Didn't see this one coming, that's for sure. (Cardinals 37, Rams 20)

Roethlisberger just did what Rodgers always does on that touchdown. We enter from Titans-Jets to the Packers on a first and goal. Pocket collapses and Rodgers scrambles in himself. Ben gets hit and fumbles! Packers ball. They may have gotten away with a facemask. Touchdown Cobb, who Rodgers wanted back. Field goal bounces through! Field goal BLOCKED! Did the Steelers go early? Refs say they did. That is CLOSE. Now it's a 26-yarder and good. A.J. Dillon blasts through the Steelers' D to the 2. Touchdown Cobb for the second time today. Steelers throw to Najee Harris in the flat on 4th and 4 for... some reason. Aaron Jones fumbles and the Steelers immediately get it back. That doesn't yield much. Why throw a two-yard pass on 4th and 5? Juju never got close to the marker. Then the Packers don't pick up 4th and 4 from the Steelers' 35 on the next drive. Still, I'm not sure the Steelers can come back, even after the Harris touchdown.


That pick certainly won't help. (Packers 27, Steelers 17)

Seriously, I was sure this game was later in the year. Like, after the World Series. Brady leads the Bucs out to some cheers, but no boos.

"Brady!" chant breaks out. NBC straight-up trolling everyone playing Adele's "Hello" over this final intro package.


It is RAINING, which may explain the somewhat muted reaction Brady got. The Pats are playing Jalen Mills at corner? Don't they watch film? Punt gets mishandled but the Pats catch a break when the ball hits the pylon, making it a touchback. Richard Sherman's already starting for the Buccaneers and wearing No. 5. Brady about to pass Brees for good in passing yards. They keep moving the chains after this Evans catch to put him in a tie. Now he's got the record. Bucs settle for a Succop FG.

Why are we cursing London with Jets-Falcons? I see the Patriots' offense still isn't great. Well, there's something happening here, though. Late interference flag on Carlton Davis after Agholor complains. Touchdown Hunter Henry, who breaks a tackle and spins into the end zone. Matthew Judon sacks Brady, and that's how the Pats will have to win this season. Did Damien Harris just slip upwards? That was strange. He's being helped off. The rain hasn't really let up. Antonio Brown misses two in a row and the Bucs kick another field goal. 7-6 Pats at the half. Bucs recover a fumble. This game has... kinda sucked? Yeah. We got another Patriots fumble? They're fighting for it. Oh, it's the Buccaneers who fumbled on a punt return. They recover, and the refs get Matthew Slater for running out of bounds too long as a punt gunner. He knows better. Ronald Jones with a touchdown run. Touchdown Jonnu Smith and the Patriots go back in front. Jakobi Meyers with one of the best-thrown balls of the night. Mac Jones almost threw a terrible pick. Field goal puts the Patriots up 17-16. Brady throws to Fournette, covered by Van Noy, and draws a pass interference flag. He goes to Brown in the end zone on 3rd and 7, but he can't bring it in. Now they're kicking a field goal at 2:02, which is important. Cris doesn't like this DPI on Whitehead. They probably could have gotten Devin White for holding, though. They're gonna try a 56-yarder in the rain on 4th and 3? I wouldn't do this. THUNK and it goes out. Seriously, why?

They had a minute left to get closer. Belichick's losing it. Speaking of, he and Brady have a perfunctory exchange after the game, as is Bill's wont.

(Buccaneers 19, Patriots 17)

LIGHTNING DELAY. We'll start at 8:50 now, instead of 8:55, as that change is made in real time.


Chargers are doing a silent count AT HOME. Hey, it's not their fault this city would rather have the visiting team as its own. Doesn't seem to matter much as they drive down the field and get seven. Renfrow drops a third-down ball. On the next drive, the Raiders burn their second time out. Carr gets hit and fumbles, but the Raiders recover, but get to punt. Chargers run a fake punt and it almost works, but Renfrow(!) breaks up the pass at the last second. He saw it coming! Now neither team can protect its quarterback. Raiders have zero yards after one quarter. Raiders' 4th and 3 loses a yard. Raiders forget to cover Steven Anderson, and he gets about 36 yards. In their defense, so would I. Touchdown Jared Cook, who's apparently a Charger now. 14-0 Bolts. This review's taking a long time. Can we see a replay? Call REVERSED. NO first down for the Raiders. They punt. Ekeler scores on a wheel route. 21-0 Chargers at halftime.

Renfrow puts the Raiders on the board. K.J. Wright's a Raider? Touchdown Waller and... do I detect a Chargering in progress? Big catch by Ruggs for 51. Raiders miss a field goal, then the Chargers drive down the field and Ekeler breaks three tackles to score. Derwin James picks off Carr. Somehow the Cardinals are the last unbeaten team? (Chargers 28, Raiders 14)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Arizona (4-0) — Yeah, I don't believe it, either
2. Buffalo (3-1) — Just beating people up
3. Green Bay (3-1) — That Saints loss looks really odd right now
4. L.A. Rams (3-1) — Don't want to "make" a division rival like that

BOTTOM 4:
29. Houston (1-3) — It's as bad as it looks
30. Miami (1-3) — An unsettling regression
31. Jacksonville (0-4) — Lawrence isn't used to this
32. Detroit (0-4) — Seems right
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Thursday, November 4, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Familiarity and Contempt

Someone named Davis Mills is starting at quarterback for the Texans tonight. He's starting because Tyrod Taylor got hurt on Sunday and the Texans want to have their cake and eat it too with Deshaun Watson. More on that in a bit. The completely unnecessary 17th game will pit each team against the same-place team from the corresponding division in the other conference. I'm pretty sure this matchup is the first of those. But first, some... news? McCaffrey's blown a hamstring? That's not good, considering the Panthers' wideouts have already dropped about six passes. Touchdown Texans! Extra point is NO GOOD. Buck goes down the laundry list of Watson things (pointing out that he's not on the commissioner's exempt list and that he has not been suspended by... anyone) and says that he won't play for the Texans this season or ever again. Which... is fine. It's what he wants, and they clearly don't want anything to do with him anymore. So why haven't they just suspended him? They already seem to know they can't put him on the field with 22 sexual assault accusations (and a criminal investigation) out there. What's suspending him gonna do, tank his trade value? Anyway, Sam Darnold's never been this good. And Mills has been... OK? I guess? The Texans are pretty bad. (Panthers 24, Texans 9)
I've always believed Harlan would be a great wrestling announcer.

Is the Chargers coach old enough to drink? Chiefs look terrible in the early going. And now they're down 14. Man, the Chiefs are playing this final drive like they're the Chargers. ANOTHER interception? Really? Hold up. Someone signed DeAndre Baker? Who's he an upgrade over? (He just got called for pass interference on third down.) Touchdown Williams! Seriously, the Chargers never win this game. That's why Andy had to go to the hospital afterwards. (Chargers 30, Chiefs 24)
OH MY GOD the poor Lions. (Ravens 19, Lions 17)

Gronk gets FLATTENED. Is this the one big Desean Jackson game of the year? Touchdown Kupp. Brady barely avoids a sack, then gets sacked on the next play. Shanked punt ends a disaster of a drive. Tyler Johnson's just missed a touchdown on this drive twice, and the same guy stopped him both times. Three straight incompletions inside the 10 and the Bucs settle for a field goal. Why not run the ball at least once? Brady's first game in L.A. ends in defeat. Crushing, I know. (Rams 34, Buccaneers 24)

"Downtown San Francisco" which is NOWHERE NEAR where they actually are. The 49ers haven't played a proper home game in more than 300 days. I admit, "Jon Runyan, Michigan" caught me off guard. How many more DBs are the 49ers gonna lose? Wait, Bucs-Pats is next week? Alexander picks off Garoppolo! That's a good return. Packers eschew a field goal on 4th and 1 from the 49ers' 3. A pass? Really? Incomplete. Jones run makes it 17-0 Packers. Someone needs to tackle this man. 68 yards on the kickoff return. That'll help. Trey Lance in again. Bootleg left! Touchdown! RIP to that poor guy that Trent Williams pancaked. Aiyuk touchdown makes it 17-14. Garoppolo sacked and FUMBLES. Not sure the Packers should have used their last time out so soon. Field goal is good. You guys gonna tackle Kittle, or what? Touchdown pass to Juszczyk. 49ers lead! Thirty-seven seconds left? No time outs? That might be too much time. That's a beautifully perfect throw to Adams. My goodness. Crosby from 51. It's GOOD! (Packers 30, 49ers 28)
Cowboys get the ball first after a clock snafu. This is too easy. Dumb penalty leads to a Zeke touchdown. Hurts finds Goedert for 38, then throws an underthrown jump ball that the Cowboys pick off. Dak FUMBLES! Touchdown Eagles! Marcus Epps stones Schultz inside the Eagles' 10, forcing a drop. No one covers Zeke in the flat and he makes an easy catch for a called touchdown. Call REVERSED. Dak sneaks it and... and... doesn't get it! I thought he did. This has to be challenged because it wasn't ruled a score. And the Cowboys do, indeed, challenge. Call STANDS. Hurts gets trapped in the end zone and throws it away. Schultz beats everyone for a touchdown. Hurts gets sacked again. Cowboys running through this defense like butter. Riddick predicts a draw on second down and he's right. Touchdown Elliott. Extra point is no good. The Eagles ran the ball! Cedrick Wilson with a circus catch. Maddox never saw the ball. Hang on, he's out of bounds. Eagles challenge and win. Eagles are the most penalized team in the league (and have been up there for several years) 20-7 Cowboys at halftime, even after McCarthy wasted 45 seconds by not calling timeout after the Eagles' third-down play. The Eagles only ran the ball five times? Really? Trayvon Diggs jumps the route and takes it home. This starts four games in 18 days for the Eagles. At this rate, they'll be 1-6 going into Detroit. Ah, man, Smith fell down there. Badly-needed big play from Hurts to Quez Watkins. Touchdown Zach Ertz, who nobody thought would still be on this team. Cowboys come right back with a great catch by Wilson. Seumalo being carted off. Hurts with a wild throw to Ward for a touchdown. Peyton begging the Eagles "please stay inbounds." Apparently they're only doing 10 of these this year, and the next one is four weeks from now. (Cowboys 41, Eagles 21)
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