Friday, December 27, 2019

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Everybody's Right On Time

That's, what, four third downs the Cowboys have converted on this opening drive? Yes, four. Thanks, Joe.  Elliott dives into the end zone on play No. 17. Bears are moving faster. Trubisky runs for 14. Trubisky makes a bad pass and it's almost intercepted — Jourdan Lewis couldn't keep his feet inbounds. Or COULD he? Garrett throws the challenge flag. This one's got a shot. Call REVERSED, which... I'm not sure how much the Cowboys really wanted to start at their own six-inch line. Then Prescott makes a risky throw that almost gets intercepted. Aikman surprised the Cowboys aren't going after the other Bears' corner, who's making his second career start. CM Punk in the house! WWE Backstage plug. Buck: "His wife, April." KAYFABE. J.P. Holtz with a CONVOY. 30 yards from Trubisky. Wait, when did the first quarter end? Touchdown Robinson. Cobb almost makes a nice catch in traffic, but it's just enough behind him that he can't. Bears back on offense and running the ball well. Miller runs wide after making a catch, works his way to a first down, but there's a flag. They get Wims for a block in the back but he didn't really do anything. The face mask that wasn't called also shouldn't have been called. Field goal is good.




Elliott finds a seam, breaks a tackle, and goes for 31. Oluwale never turns and looks for this third-down pass. Maher MISSES. He's ice-cold right now. The Bears' offensive line has gotten worse as the game's progressed. Miller bails Trubisky out on another poor decision. He's gotten some tough yards tonight. Two straight passes to Wins get broken up in the back of the end zone, and Wims is down after the second one. They try it again (and again, Jaylon Smith ends up covering a wide receiver) and this time it's caught! Simultaneous catch means it's a touchdown for Robinson. 17-7 Bears at halftime.




Trubisky scrambles for another first down, his second on this drive. Patterson breaks about four tackles and this Cowboys defense is getting embarrassed. Robinson gets held in the end zone and that'll make it first and goal. Screen to Miller, who scores! Cowboys defense looks "shocked" (Erin's word) on the sideline. Cowboys go three-and-out. The the Bears go three-and-out for the first time tonight. Buck points out that Cooper's been taken completely out of the game for the second time in three weeks. You sure you want to pay that dude?




Mack chases Prescott down from behind on third down. Montgomery fumbles and the Cowboys recover! Gallup drops the ball on the far sideline. Four-down territory here, and they go for it on fourth and 4. Prescott waits, but hits Gallup for a first down. He gets pulled down but still delivers another completion to Gallup. Elliott powers into the end zone as the fourth quarter begins. Extra point is good, and that's noteworthy. Maher then boots the ensuing kickoff out of bounds. Robinson makes a difficult catch in traffic and takes a hit to the back. TRUBISKY breaking tackles! Touchdown! Yeah, the Cowboys' tackling has been terrible tonight. Is this intentional grounding? Apparently. Oh, the ball didn't get past the line of scrimmage, they say. Hey, a Cooper sighting. Dak under pressure on 4th and 4 and he can't get it to Elliott.




Aikman calls the NFC East race "comical", then wonders who on the Cowboys' staff you'd make the interim head coach if they fired Garrett now. Gallup with a big gain made smaller by an illegal block. Bears have let up on this drive. Touchdown Cooper. Bears convert ANOTHER third down. Two-minute warning. Cobb gets to the Bears' 12 with 12 seconds left, and Maher is in to kick a field goal. It's good. Onside kick fails. This final score is deceiving as hell, and you should know that. (Bears 31, Cowboys 24)

Signal Finder: SF @ NO, BAL @ BUF, KC @ NE

One hundred catches for Michael Thomas. Jared Cook bounces off a dude and scores. 49ers calling some good routes on this drive and the receives are running them. Touchdown Bourne and we're already tied.
Whoa! Cook with a leaping catch for a touchdown! He's slow to get up but I didn't know he had those kind of ups. The Saints are going for two after an unnecessary roughness call on the touchdown, but the 49ers snuff it out. Short 49ers punt leads to a big return to their 29. Cook's in the locker room after that hit, so Josh Hill will be the tight end that catches this touchdown pass. 20-7 Saints to start the second quarter. Garoppolo throws a bomb that Sanders catches like a center fielder. He wasn't touched! He breaks a tackle and he's gonna score! Kamara with speed AND moves. Murray catches a pass from Brees and dances down the sideline for 30 yards. This game is on one. Kamara goes up the middle on third down and — does NOT make it. Sneak on 4th? Touchdown Brees. 27-14. Wide receiver pass! Touchdown SANDERS to MOSTERT! This game is on ALL of the drugs.




Screen to Kittle loses four yards. That was bad all around. Slow-developing, late throw, bad throw, no space for Kittle to work. The Niners make up for it by finding him down the sideline to convert third down. DOUBLE PITCH! Garoppolo to Juszczyk (who got flattened afterwards) to Mostert for another big play. Touchdown Mostert and he wasn't touched at all. Extra point gives the 49ers a 28-27 lead with 35 seconds before halftime. Saints get an interception off a deflection. Field goal team comes in. Lutz hits from 55 and the Saints go back on top. Kamara fumbles trying to go over the top and the 49ers recover. Did Kittle get the ball inside the pylon? Looks like it's on top of it and the 49ers cash in. Lutz good from 48. Thomas gets called for OPI (and he didn't get the first down anyway.) Saints run a fake punt pass that's... incomplete. Payton wants a flag but there's no pass interference on a punt, and, as Burkhart explains, holding isn't reviewable.




End of 3. I see Eli Apple still isn't good. Juszczyk takes a hit to the helmet and the flag comes out. Touchdown Bourne! Brees gets sacked but Sherman gets flagged for holding. Brees finds Thomas across the field, and he make some moves to get into the red zone. Touchdown Thomas! Saints kick the extra point because it doesn't matter. 42-40 with 6:06 left.  Garoppolo takes off and gets the first down. Fake  handoff, then a real one to Deebo Samuel, to turns the corner and gets some huge blocks. (This one fooled Burkhardt.) Brieda gets good blocking as well on his run for a first down. (He also stays inbounds.) SACK. Garoppolo incomplete to Samuel, which stops the clock. Robbie Gould is back and he makes it 45-40. Brees got blitzed and threw up a duck that almost got caught. Oh, he was hit as he threw it. That guy at the bottom's uncovered. It's Ginn! Sherman went out and his replacement didn't know what the call was. Shot of Sherman on the sideline getting his leg looked at. Witherspoon drops an interception. Feels like the 49ers haven't had cornerbacks this entire decade. TaQuan Smith! TOUCHDOWN!




Saints go for two but no one's open. The 49ers have all of their timeouts and 55 seconds. Garoppolo throws low into coverage. One more shot. 49ers call time out. Complete to Kittle! Get out of bounds, you idiot! That's an OBVIOUS face mask. Add 15 to that 39-yard pass play. Kittle dragged Marcus Williams almost 10 more yards, too. (He's the same guy who whiffed on Diggs in Minneapolis. Tough gig.) Niners will just run the clock down now. Here's Gould. High snap. IT'S GOOD!!!







(49ers 48, Saints 46)

So the Jets can keep the Dolphins out of the end zone? This fucking league. (Jets 22, Dolphins 21)




Heh. Andrews just misses this pass from Jackson in the end zone, which will bring on Tucker. He should make this. Yep. Allen gets wrecked by Judon and fumbles. Ravens get it! Wait, did Jerry Hughes really get hit with back-to-back unsportsmanlike conduct penalties? Or was that the same one? Oh, the first flag was defensive holding on someone else. OK. Jackson scrambles, then flips it to Boyle for the touchdown! Singletary finds a hole. Judon's been everywhere. Has anyone else but Singletary touched the ball on this drive? Field goal is good. Bills get a pick off a deflection. This is Terrell Edmunds, I believe. Hauschka drills it from to make it 10-6 Ravens. Eagle notes that neither quarterback is playing well. Halftime! Hayden Hurst showing off wheels! Touchdown Ravens. Bills can't really afford to be settling for field goals. 17-9 Ravens now.




I'd have called roughing the passer there on Oliver, not Murphy. Even so.




Jackson to Snead for a touchdown. Almost every time I see Dawson Knox he's making a big play. Gore gets stopped for a loss at the Ravens' 5. Allen gets taken out after an incompletion but there are offsetting penalties. Touchdown Beasley. Bills go for two and... make it! 24-17 with seven minutes left. Bills get it back and are riding Singletary. Offensive penalty pushes them back, but they remain undeterred in getting the ball to Singletary. Humphrey gets called for DPI on Beasley. (He grabbed him before he tripped. He may have grabbed him to avoid tripping.) Was that catchable, though? Didn't really look like it. Allen looking for John Brown, but Peters breaks it up! (Ravens 24, Bills 17)




They're the Knicks, but with actual historical relevance. (Packers 20, Redskins 15)

THE CHIEFS' GEAR GOT REDIRECTED TO NEW JERSEY. LET THAT SINK IN. Pats drawing two DPIs on two third downs? Dirty pool all around. Brady deep to Edelman for a touchdown!







Mahomes gets intercepted when Jackson cuts off Robinson. Romo wondering if Mahomes got hurt on a hit after an incomplete pass. Some decent acting by Van Noy on that offensive holding call. Quick pitch to Hill. Butker kicks a field goal as Mahomes gets examined on the sideline. Brady spots an opening and sneaks through for a first down. Nick Folk back and he'll try this field goal. Blocked!




Chiefs' pass protection is struggling. Touchdown Chiefs! Hardiman caught the pass, Jonathan Jones whiffed on the tackle and it was over. Breeland intercepts Brady! Did Edelman run the wrong route? Did Brady throw the wrong pass? That was STRANGE. Mahomes to Kelce to the 4. Did they just give Travis Kelce the ball on a running play? Touchdown Chiefs! 17-7. Patriots go for it on 4th and 7, passing up a field goal. Chiefs blitz and Brady throws incomplete.




The Chiefs' defense has been getting takeaways lately, but they're still not great. Chiefs take over near midfield. How has almost no time come off the clock? Chiefs taking their time here. Mahomes throws it away under pressure. Butker good from 31. So do the Chiefs blow this today or in the divisional round? They get the ball to start the second half. Chiefs facing fourth and a foot. I might go for this. Put the hammer down. Romo: "Maybe Kelce comes in and sneaks." Handoff to the returning Spencer Ware gets it. Butker kicks a shorter field goal. Brady gets sacked again. Jones wants OPI on Watkins but doesn't get it. Ware fumbles the screen pass but falls on top of it. BLOCKED PUNT! Pats handoff to Brandon Bolden (who's up this week) and he reaches the pylon! Touchdown! Patriots go for two. NOPE. Kelce fumbles! Touchdown Gilmore! Wait, what? They blew the play dead? Patriots challenge for... I'm not completely sure. Now this I don't get. They reversed the call to a fumble, but the Patriots don't get the clear touchdown return? How does that make sense? Brady goes deep to Meyers, who draws an interference penalty. Harry to the sideline and... the pylon? Is this a touchdown? Refs say he's out at the 3. Except he isn't, and the Patriots are out of challenges. Next play is to Meyers in the end zone and the refs wave this one off, too. Yeah, that's incomplete, though. Once-per-game scuffle happening now. This is still going on. Watkins and Gilmore are wrestling on the sideline behind the benches! Romo hates this OPI call on Kelce and he should. I mean, they threw a flag for that but nothing on the fight on the play before that. Another flag. Mahomes pleading his case against intentional grounding, it looks like. Oh, it was for a face mask? On HIM? Not sure I've ever seen that before. Yeah, that's a face mask. Patriots have no one back there on this punt. Are they gonna come after this one, too? They probably should have. Halfback pass from White to Meyers. Brady throws deep to Dorsett but Kendall Fuller breaks it up. Oh, that's interference. Brady takes off on fourth and six and gets 17! That is DESPERATION. Pats get seven on second down. Romo predicts someone will call time out on this 4th and 3 call. Blitz! Breeland knocks it away from Edelman! YOU LOVE TO SEE IT.







(Chiefs 23, Patriots 16)

This may well be the Rams' last stand. But the Seahawks will get the ball first. Penny injured after this catch. Workmanlike drive by the Seahawks here. Myers field goal is good. Two quick Goff-to-Woods passes flip the field. Goff goes deep to... Tyler Higbee? First and goal at the 1. Malcolm Brown stays ruining fantasy teams all year. Woods played big last week and makes another big catch here. HIGBEE. Touchdown Woods!




Fowler takes advantage of Donald being double-teamed and wraps up... CJ Prosise? He's still alive? Wilson rolls out, but the pass bounces off Turner's hands. MORE HIGBEE. Goff finding things in the middle of the field. The pass to Gurley set up the pass to Kupp. One minute left. Kupp sneaks into the zone and makes a sliding catch for a touchdown. Seahawks run it on 3rd and 1. It works, but... why? Wilson can't get away from Fowler and that's the half. Goff throws one right to Quandre Diggs and that's going to the house!




Extra point is... NO GOOD. Gurley gets free for a big run, set up by Whitworth sealing the edge. Goff throws deep but he overthrows Cooks and Diggs intercepts this one, too. Seahawks can't capitalize. Goff jump pass falls just out of Higbee's reach. Field goal is BLOCKED. History of the Coliseum. Al plugs the 2028 L.A. Olympics. "Check your local listings." That angle of the new stadium makes it look like the location icon on Google Maps. Fourth quarter begins. Goff rolls out of the end zone and finds Higbee in space. Jet sweep to Woods is the second one they've run on this drive, and they've both worked. There's a reverse to Woods. The Seahawks haven't been able to stop this stuff. Gurley with a stiffarm and a touchdown. Metcalf with the best catch of the night by a Seahawks offensive player. Not a big fan of kicking the field goal here, 'Hawks. Can you count on getting the ball back two more times? BILLS FLEX next week. It'll be their first Sunday Night game since 2007 (!!) Seahawks mishandle this punt but get lucky. Wilson gets sandwiched. Josh Gordon shows up, helping convert 4th and 18. Wilson throws up a lob that gets intercepted in the end zone. Good win by the Rams, who needed it. (Rams 28, Seahawks 12)

Speaking of last stands. This weather is hellacious. Abby AND Peyton are here. Eagles get the ball first. Boston Scott, of all people, gets the first carry. Someone forgets to block Markus Golden and this drive is over. ELI BACK. Was the idea behind three Giants prime-time games to do an Eli farewell tour? I don't get it. First pass on third down is behind Barkley. Looks like Wentz got hit as he threw that one. Screen to Sanders won't get there. Wentz sneaks on fourth down and... fumbles? Call STANDS.




Big Barkley run called back. ELI MANNING, FOLKS.




Someone tell Booger there's no one on the Eagles to take a deep shot WITH. Sanders picks up 3rd and 2. This rivalry is DEADLOCKED. 83-83-2 with a 32-point margin in favor of the Giants. Scoreless after one, and the Giants face a 3rd and 13. Slayton makes the catch, Darby misses the tackle, and it's touchdown Giants. Now Alshon's hurt? What?




Wentz on the move, and Ertz helps him out so he can find him. Tessitore asks a question few have asked this season: Is Wentz afraid of getting hurt again? Giants blow the coverage and Wentz almost overthrows Ertz, but he catches it for 30 yards and it's first and goal. Jeffrey getting carted inside as Brooks is called for holding. Field goal is good. Eli goes 42 yards deep to Slayton, who beats Darby again. Eli unlucky to miss Tate in the end zone. Jenkins just got a finger on it to deflect it away. Field goal is good. Lane's hurt. That's a good punt by Johnston and good coverage by the Eagles. Maddox with good coverage on Tate. Eagles gotta come after this punt. They don't get there, and the coverage runs into Ward.




Punting from midfield? Doug's lost it. Slayton beats Darby again (AND McLeod) for another touchdown. Crowd is FURIOUS. Eagles start near midfield after Ward's punt return. Three and out. This is hopeless. I'm surprised the place hasn't emptied out yet. Leonard Williams hits Wentz with a cheap late elbow. Bad snap leads to a sack. Wentz throws low for Ward, who was covered. The Eagles wide receivers have one catch for one yard, Booger says. First down Boston Scott! Scott getting some run here. He picks up the first down on 3rd and 3, then gets the touchdown. PAT team comes out as Tessitore mentions the analytics the Eagles use. Kick is good. This offense isn't good enough to chase an extra point if they don't get it. End of three. Sterling Shepard's playing? Eli just missed him. Tess also notes that Slayton hasn't been targeted the second half. Sanders has cramps, we are told. Scott with MOVES.




Eagles not huddling here. Josh Perkins (?) gets eight on third and 7 after catching it two yards short of the marker. Scott gets 16 on a screen. Sanders back in but he loses a yard. Eagles challenging the non-call for pass interference. This won't be overturned. Hell if I know. Ward tipped it, so there's no interference. Wentz goes deep for Ward in the end zone but he can't bring it down. Elliott MISSES from 47! Christ. Eagles sniff out a flea-flicker attempt, which hilariously ends with Eli tossing it back to Barkley for a three-yard loss. That penalty will help the Eagles. I almost think they have to go for it here on 4th and 1, even from their own 30. They do and Wentz sneaks and gets it. Arceaga-Whiteside with an over-the-shoulder catch! Eagles receivers don't make catches like that, at least not this year.




Goedert to the Giants' 13! Wentz to Ward to the 2! Two minute warning after Sanders gets stopped on first and goal. Antoine Bethea is still making plays in his 14th season. He was a teammate of Booger's in Indianapolis when Peyton won the Super Bowl, for God's sake. TOUCHDOWN ERTZ. Do they dare go for two here?




They don't, and Elliott ties it up. America didn't want this, Booger. Sidney Jones out of the doghouse and breaking up a pass. Eagles get the ball back with 1:25 left and a time out. Screens have worked well tonight for the Eagles, a throwback to Reid's best days. Wentz takes a hit and the ball flies up in the air, but Semualo spikes it into the turf to save the play. Wentz to Perkins for nine. Not sure why Pederson isn't either sending the play in or calling time out. The GIANTS call time with 17 seconds left. Eagles punt, signaling they're OK with going to overtime. Well, they didn't ask us.




Eagles win the toss. Scott takes a pitch 25 yards. Wentz to Perkins for a first down. Wentz with a rocket to Ward for eight. Sanders bounces it outside and gets a first down. Crowd pops when Scott hits the hole, but he's stopped at the 3. Ertz WIDE OPEN for the touchdown! Sweet Jesus.







Eli getting his respect from the Eagles post game, especially the veterans, who know that this is it for him. (Eagles 23, Giants 17, OT)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Baltimore (11-2) — Yeah, I think Jackson's the MVP
2. San Francisco (11-2) — Passing a proving ground
3. Seattle (10-3) — That one hurt
4. New Orleans (10-3) — The Saints have that game every couple of years

BOTTOM 4:
29. Arizona (3-9-1) — At least Murray's good
30. N.Y. Jets (4-8) — Are they... heating up?
31. N.Y. Giants (2-11) — Blew that one
32. Cincinnati (1-12) — Back to normal
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Friday, December 20, 2019

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Half-Carved

Not sure who's more anonymous: QB3 for the Lions or this dude singing the anthem. We'll see Trubisky first after this penalty on the opening kickoff. Got a hold on the Bears and a late hit on the Lions, so. Jerome Boger's mic isn't working.




Oh, there it is. RE-KICK. Troy: "I think this happened last week." Buck making sure things are OK between Aikman and Pereira after the tripping debacle on Sunday. Patterson takes it out from eight yards deep (?) and brings it back 57 yards (!)




Trubisky opens with three completions. Montgomery spots a hole and gets to the Lions' 10. Touchdown pass to Robinson and that looked easy. Buck calls himself out for telling Patterson to take a knee on the second kickoff. David Blough, everybody! Went to Purdue, then the Lions traded for him at the end of training camp. First pass misses badly. Blough throws a bomb to Golladay, who roasts Amukamara for a disgustingly easy touchdown! Scarbrough's not an outside runner, Lions. Blough throws on the run and finds Golladay in open field for 29. Bears lose Marvin Jones in coverage and he has an easy catch for a touchdown.







Lions squib the kickoff, and it goes right to — and off — a Bears player. That ball's live... and the Lions have it! CHICANERY RULES. Bears finally get a stop. Miller is hit after the catch and fumbles, it kicks around for a  bit, the refs say Bears ball, then change it to LIONS ball. They also missed a hit to Trubisky's head by Tavon Wilson, and Matt Nagy's equally hot about that. They're reviewing this because it's called a turnover. Incomplete pass, so none of it matters. FOX shows Boger's angle on the Trubisky hit and Buck wonders if maybe he didn't see it. Aikman makes the point that someone should have. Face mask on the offense? That's a new one. FIRST AND 32. Cohen makes a one-handed catch for a short pickup. They get 12 on 3rd and 17, putting the ball at the Lions' 32. The Bears line up to go for it, but get penalized for an illegal formation, giving the ball to the Lions. Good job, guys.




Barry Sanders joins the announcers. "Throw deep to Golladay" seems to be working. Lot of contact in the end zone, and this flag will be on... BOTH? What a cop-out.




Leonard Floyd with a needless shove on Blough to keep this drive going. Field goal is good. 17-7. Wims with a nice catch. Bears haven't been in sync for most of this half as it shows. Field goal is good. 17-10. Can't wait to see which third-level act Detroit gets this year. The Brothers Osbourne? Like I said. THE SOUND CUT OUT. OH MY GOD. Did the lights come up, too? Buck says it's some kind of power issue. It's back! Now they gotta re-do sound check. I assume they are brothers, and named Osbourne, but one never knows. Did it go out again? This is unbelievable. And yet, the Lions are involved.




Buck and Aikman are stuck. There we go. This guitar solo's actually pretty hot. Nice recovery, gents. Montgomery comes in with two good runs after the Bears stop the Lions on their opening drive. Then Slay picks off Trubisky. Robinson had to come back to the throw, allowing Slay to jump in front of him. Miller takes a hit after this catch but still gets the first down. Touchdown! Juggling catch by Hursted, who hangs on, at least to the point where it can't be overturned. He's a Princeton guy and we're tied. Trubisky's going into the tent? That's something. Scarbrough's also faster than I remember. Oh man, Patricia. Fourth and 1? I'd have at least thought about going for it. Field goal is good and the Lions retake the lead anyway. Miller! That play gets the Bears out of a hole and to midfield. Miller AGAIN! To the 2!! Delay of game? Touchdown Montgomery! 2:17 left. You pull this off, you'll be famous forever, kid. Just like Jason Garrett!




Pick! No, it's incomplete. Two straight completions to Hockenson. Bad penalty by Roquan Smith adds 15 yards to this Johnson catch. Blough throws this one out of bounds. Can't get sacked, kid. Fourth and 22. Blough heaves it downfield... and it's intercepted. (Bears 24, Lions 20)

This matchup became surprisingly compelling. Cowboys start with the ball. Lots of Zeke early, both running and catching. Are they really going for this? From their own 19? What?




It WORKS. Prescott flips one to Cooper. Touchdown Witten. Whole lot of going nowhere right now. Bills showing life? These are not long passes Allen is throwing. Not even this touchdown to Beasley. BIG MAN PICK. That's why you don't want Allen throwing deep balls. Man, that's a bad miss by Hauschka. Prescott is sacked and fumbles! Cowboys getting sloppy. And so are the Bills with that bad snap. Fortunately for them, Allen recovered and got the first down on 4th and 1. That miss must have McDermott spooked to go for it there. CHICANERY! John Brown with a pass to Singletary for a touchdown! Cowboys get lucky when an interception is called back because of a penalty.




They still have all of their time outs, which is kind of impressive by itself. Witten gets his customary seven yards. Maher MISSES from 35! He's having a rough stretch. I don't understand your hat, Ellie Goulding. Oh, that's her song? I had no idea. Hold up. Did she really not do "Lights" or did she do like 30 seconds of it and I missed it? Beasley gets his face mask grabbed. How you gonna do your old teammate like that? Frank Gore, pass catcher. CLANG. It's good! (That's not the crossbar.) Haven't heard much from Cooper since that opening drive. Maher misses AGAIN. Can anybody kick in this game? Again, this is how Allen has to be successful — short passes and his ability to move and run. He gets the corner and that's a touchdown.




Prescott with a tough run of his own. Flag coming after that hit? There it is. Prescott to Gallup for... not a touchdown. Gallup's left foot is out of bounds. This'll be reversed and is. Now looking at 4th and goal from the Bills' 6 and Zeke drops it! He wasn't gonna score anyway. Cooper down. That's 1,200 career catches for Jason Witten. Ventrell Bryant's in the league? Good for him. Shame he couldn't have gone to a less hateable team. Bills, man. This was the definition of "showing up and showing out."




Another poor throw by Ryan at least leads to a pass interference flag. It should have been a Calvin Ridley touchdown. Ryan hits Jaeden (*sigh*) Graham for a touchdown. Good day for Ivy Leaguers. Extra point is missed. Brees throws his 10,000th pass — only Favre attempted more. Missed tackle helps Jared Cook gain almost 20 more yards. Cook can't haul that one in. Field goal is good. Hey, Brian Hill made a play. Field goal is... not good. Taysom Hill takes off and he won't be caught. Touchdown! Ryan scrambles and slides with 20 seconds left. Announcers talk about how not-confident Quinn can be in Koo right now. Field goal is... good? Sure. 17-9 Saints at halftime. Harrison spots holding on the second-half kickoff return. Kamara takes off for 29 yards. Saints add another field goal. Lattimore down briefly, but he walks off. BIG MAN PICK. ONE-HANDED BIG MAN PICK. Goodness. Dude stiff-armed Ryan during the return, too. That's just mean. Brees under pressure and he throws it to no one, and intentional grounding is called. Payton's hot about it, and Dungy sees why — either Kamara ran the wrong route or Brees threw it to the wrong place. They ask Terry McAuley if refs consider that, and he says absolutely not. (How would they even know, he adds.) Saints punt it away. Ryan hits Blake in stride. He then hits Chauncey Gardner-Johnson in stride. This is a problem because he plays for the Saints. It's not going well for the Falcons. Field goal is good. The Saints can clinch the South tonight? Really? Payton tries to test the new pass interference challenge rules after Ron Rivera outright trolled him doing the same thing on Sunday. This isn't getting overturned and he has to know that. It's not. Field goal makes it 26-9. That's some poor Photoshop work on Al and Cris in Black Friday crowds. Announcers talking about how quickly the Falcons' championship window slammed shut. Touchdown, Ryan to Russell Gage, whoever he is. Falcons go for two, but Ridley clearly fumbles the ball out of bounds before he reaches the pylon. Quality onside kick but someone on the Falcons left early. Dungy doesn't think he was offside and McAuley agrees. The Saints take the penalty and make the Falcons rekick — and this one's better and the Falcons recover it!




They eventually kick a field goal at the two-minute warning, so it's 26-18. Tirico notes that they still have all three time outs. Onside kick. Did it work AGAIN? Falcons ball!!




Ryan takes another bad sack. Facemask on Damario Davis bails the Falcons out. THROW THE BALL AWAY, RYAN. That's eight sacks tonight? Jeez. Plus six last week. Make it nine, and that's the game. Tirico: "Down to Michele Tafoya. She looks like Matt Ryan — she's surrounded by New Orleans Saints." So is she doing double duty this weekend? What's that about? (Saints 26, Falcons 18)

Signal Finder: CLE @ PIT, PHI @ MIA, OAK @ KC, LAC @ DEN (end)

The pleasantries will end once these kids get off the field. Browns get the opening kickoff. Chubb and Hunt show to start. Sack by T.J. Watt. Mayfield overthrows everyone on third down. Field goal is good. Delvin Hodges starts at quarterback for the Steelers. Mike Tomlin will never admit it, but he made this move at least partially for Mason Rudolph's own protection. That drive lasted... not very long. Hunt gets swallowed up after Mayfield flips it to him out of seeming desperation. Fast first quarter. Chubb with a big run. Borderline late hit here. Touchdown Kareem Hunt. Steelers get a big play from Hodges to Washington, who just got his right foot inbounds. That is close. Browns were offsides anyway. Steelers end up settling for a Boswell field goal. Browns go three and out. Touchdown Washington!




That bears watching. 10-10 at the half. Another great throw from Hodges to Washington. You can't place it better than that. Wait, Deon Cain's on the Steelers now? He just drew a pass interference flag in the end zone. Benny Snell bulldozes his way under the pile for a score. Mayfield throws a little high into the end zone, and the tight end drops it on his way down. Sack! Browns kick the field goal. Mitchell picks off Hodges! Can the Browns capitalize? (No.) Steelers challenge this pooch punt, saying it's a touchback. Gene Steratore thinks they'll win this because the Browns player touches the ball twice. Call STANDS. Oh, well. So it's Steelers ball at their own 1. Steelers chew up the clock and punt from near midfield with 1:45 left. Intercepted by Joe Haden! Throw went low, Landry jumped for it for some reason, and Haden comes up with it. Feels like he's been tormenting the Browns ever since they cut him for no discernible reason.




(Steelers 20, Browns 13)

Is it already over for Nick Foles in Jacksonville? (Buccaneers 28, Jaguars 11)

FITZMAGIC. Darby intercepts him on the first play of the game, set up by Grugier-Hill setting a pick on DeVante Parker. Not really sure what's taking the offense so long to get onto the field. Maybe they were caught off guard? That's a clean catch. Ertz falls down and the pass for him gets knocked down.  Remember when Wentz missed Sanders on a sure touchdown last week? NOT THIS TIME. Dolphins false start on a punt. Alshon caught a pass? Wow. Elliott, who just got PAID, hits from 47. Fitzpatrick hasn't been on target on any throw so far. Agholor breaks three tackles, puts on a spin move, and works his way for a first down, only for it to be called back because of an illegal block. That's a bit ticky-tack. Dolphins running seven defensive backs because they don't have a front worth discussing. Allen Hurns makes a catch. Dolphins bring back the Wildcat! And Alfred Wilson takes the snap and runs for 28. Dolphins going for 4th and 4 because why not. Parker outjumps Darby, somehow stays inbounds, and scores! Wentz hits Agholor through a tight window to convert 3rd and 3. Jeffrey with a tough catch on a good throw. Wentz was getting blitzed and Agholor wasn't ready for that pass. Eagles going for it here. False start? Bleh. (And Agholor actually got the first down there.) Now they'll kick it. It's good. Darby misjudges a Fitzpatrick lob and Parker goes up and pulls it down.




Kalen Ballage goes down with some sort on non-contact injury. Fitzpatrick barely gets this pass off and Wilson catches it at the Eagles' 5. This goal-line sequence is bad comedy. Fitzpatrick pass to Parker is too low. Brian Flores wasting a challenge flag looking for interference. THEY CHANGED THE CALL. I swear this wouldn't happen to any other team.




Y'all still want to bring Jalen Mills back? Fitzpatrick runs right into Jenkins. THE HELL IS THIS? They sent the field goal unit out, but in a complete spread formation, then they snapped to the holder, who throws it to the kicker for a touchdown! Unreal. This is a sick joke. How does no one call a time out? Goedert gets to the marker. First and goal. There have been a LOT of false starts in this game. Wentz misses Agholor badly. TOUCHDOWN ARCEAGA-WHITESIDE! Thank you. Good Lord. Save that ball, kid. Eagles set up to go for two. This takes a while, but Wentz finds Agholor in the corner of the end zone. 21-14 Eagles at the half in a game that's had a lot more going on than it should




Eagles get the second-half kickoff. The Dolphins kicked it onside? The Eagles get it! WOW. Wentz on the move, and he flips it to Goedert on 3rd and 3. Ronde Barber echoing Charles Davis' sentiments from last week that Wentz needs to be on the move more. They giving Jeffery this touchdown? Yep. Two straight catches for Mike Gesicki, the second one over Jenkins. The Eagles can't do anything with Parker, who just caught another touchdown. Extra point is... no good? Must be winded after catching that touchdown pass. The Eagles are moving the ball against a bad defense. Coverage sack forced a 49-yard attempt, which Elliott MISSES. Two dumb things on one play by Jernigan — he jumps offsides and then hits Fitzpatrick in the neck. No idea why the Dolphins bother running the ball. Especially when they've been able to do that. Eagles lose Hurns in the defense on 3rd and 9. Gesicki beats Mills for a touchdown. Dolphins go for two but Fitzpatrick gets sacked. Jeffery draws an interference call on the sideline. Wentz, clearly not used to having receivers open down the field, overthrows Jeffery on the next play. Gesicki tries to jump over McLeod but it doesn't work. Pass interference on Mills extends this drive. Then Parker makes another big play right in front of him. Touchdown Dolphins. Two-point try is successful. 34-28 Dolphins.




A truly terrible third down (bad overthrow of Jeffery, then OPI on Agholor) forces an Eagles punt. They can't even stop Patrick Laird? This is disgraceful. Bradham drops an interception. Then Fitzpatrick finds Wilson for a first down. Welcome, new audiences. NO, you're not seeing things. Jenkins may have gotten away with one. Dolphins going for it on 4th and 1 and Parker converts. This game's over. Sanders out to try a 51-yarder. It's GOOD. NOW this game's over. This is a catch and the Eagles are rightfully challenging it. Agholor's really mad about this. Call REVERSED. Ertz gets it knocked out of his hands by... Eric Rowe? Seriously? Elliott makes the field goal. Onside kick? Nope.




Eagles get the ball back with eight seconds left. Jeffery gets out of bounds. Hail Mary is picked off. It's for the best. Because things don't change if they win, and things need to change. (Dolphins 37, Eagles 31)

BENGALS WIN. That's fireable. (Bengals 22, Jets 6)

We got some WEATHER at MetLife Headquarters. This is nothing to the Packers. NOTHING. (Packers 31, Giants 13)

This game and Browns-Steelers were flexed for EACH OTHER. Interception! Carr's historically been terrible at arrowhead. Here's an uncalled pass interference that will remain uncalled. Yep. Raiders jump offside on 3rd and 7, making it 3rd and 3. Another flag as Darrel Williams scores on a swing pass. It's against the Raiders, because of course it is. That's Mahomes' 70th touchdown pass, and he's the fastest to get there. Raiders fumble the kickoff and the Chiefs recover! It looked like Davis's own teammate ran into him. Chiefs go for it on 4th and 1 for no real reason and the Raiders stop them! Handoff to Hill fools no one. Mahomes throws back across his body and gets very lucky that Lawson straight-up dropped it.




Now it's the Chiefs that make a big fourth-down stand. Mahomes sidearms a high ball that Kelce goes up and gets. Screen to Hill for only about seven yards, but it looks like more because of how fast he is. Mahomes has nothing downfield, so he waits, then takes off to the left and scores with no trouble. PICK SIX. Juan Thornhill! 21-0 Chiefs! Raiders manage to not turn the ball over, but are facing a 4th and 17. Field goal attempt gets blocked into the damn stands. I don't know that I've ever seen that. It's halftime. Wait, Josh Jacobs already has 100 yards rushing? Mahomes misses Kelce in the end zone. He could have dove for it. Touchdown Robinson! Or not, as there were offsetting holding penalties. Field goal is good. Mahomes gets intercepted in the end zone! They're reviewing this... can they call pass interference on this? Because there was some. Apparently they can, because they did. McCoy jogs over the left side for a touchdown after the penalty. Raiders running the ball down 31-0. Commit to the bit! (Chiefs 40, Raiders 9)

DREW LOCK HIVE. Dude was Power 5 Josh Allen in college. Let's hope this turns out half as well. Broncos jump offsides on 4th and 6. Refs call false start on the Chargers and Rivers can't believe it. Announcers are surprised the Chargers aren't punting. Why would they? There's 2:22 left, they're inside their own 25, and they're BEHIND. Rivers goes deep and MIKE WILLIAMS HAS IT. Chargers looking at fourth and inches from the Broncos' 29. Chargers line up to go for it. They're not going to snap it, which never works. It DOES run 35 seconds off the clock, leaving only 19. Kick is GOOD. Lock goes deep to Sutton and they get a pass interference flag! That's 37 yards, and the Broncos can try a field goal. McManus's attempt CLANGS in, but the Chargers called time out. Nobody looked ready on that. They try again. It's GOOD! The Broncos have lost this exact game four times this year. The Chargers, on the other hand...




(Broncos 23, Chargers 20)

The Pats put all of their sick guys on a different plane to Houston. The machine never wavers.
Edelman with a trademark tough catch over the middle. Brady throws too high for Dorsett. Who's kicking this week? Folk had an appendectomy. Kai Forbath! It's GOOD. Brady gets intercepted! Keep your helmet on, kid. That'll move the ball back to the Pats' 21 after the return but what a break for the Texans. Watson to Duke Johnson for the touchdown! Brady misses Meyers deep. Watson scrambles but doesn't get to the marker. Hyde goes up the middle for a first down. Ayers breaks a tackle. Watson with a beautiful flip to Fells, who has clear sailing into the end zone.







BILLS FLEX?? Al just announced Bills-Steelers is flexed into Week 15, replacing Vikings-Chargers. Meanwhile, the Patriots' passing game looks like the Eagles'. They're reviewing this Meyers catch on the sideline. Call STANDS. Brady throws deep to no one. McKinney knocks down the third-down pass. Patriots punt, wisely passing on a 56-yard field goal attempt.




14-3 Texans at halftime. Roby picks off Brady AGAIN, but it's negated by a penalty. Roby with the sack on a corner blitz! Patriots punt. They get it back and White turns up with a big gain. Pats go for it on fourth down, but the pass gets broken up. Texans take over. Fuller beats the defense for an apparent touchdown. Maybe not? Maybe? They'll review it, as all scores are. Al brings up the John Madden equation (One knee equals two feet) and asks if the knee hitting the ground is equivalent to a "football move." I'm not sure I could overturn this. They are.




This one to Stills WILL count. Both of those were great throws, also. Imagine watching botho f them in college and thinking Mitchell Trubisky was better than DeShaun Watson. Marcus Cannon, who isn't good, gets hit with a holding penalty. Meyers gets wide open, possibly because Edelman held someone. Collinsworth discusses how the Texans have rebuilt their defense around their secondary, a necessary shift due to Watt's constant injury issues. Pats killing themselves with penalties. No one covers Edelman and he gets 44 on 1st and 30. White scores a touchdown on a wheel route. Pats line up for two but don't snap the ball. No idea what any of that was about. Now they'll kick it, and Forbath MISSES. Run the ball, Texans. QUADRUPLE OPTION ALL THE WAY BACK TO WATSON. TOUCHDOWN TEXANS. Watson to Johnson to Hopkins BACK to Watson. They're checking to see if the Hopkins-to-Watson portion is a forward pass, but even if it is, Watson was in the shotgun, making him an eligible receiver.




That's just disrespectful. I LOVE IT.




Pats call time out before 4th and 6, for some reason. (This offense isn't scoring three times in 4:24.) Dorsett picks it up, but the Texans challenge, because Bill O'Brien is every bit as petty as the mentor he's beating down tonight. Call stands. Brady steps up in the pocket and White makes a diving catch in the end zone. Two-point try fails. Big play by White? OK. Edelman scores with 50 seconds left. 28-22. Onside kick bounces high, which you've got to have with the new rules... but it goes out of bounds. THE CURSE HAS LIFTED. (Texans 28, Patriots 22)

Dave Matthews raising the flag? Hm. Seahawks start with a run by Carson, who was bad last week. He takes a hard hit on an outside run on third down and gets stopped short. Why are they punting? It's 4th and 1 at midfield. Vikings are without Thielen tonight. Fullback C.J. Ham catches a desperation flip from Cousins, wrecks some poor Seahawk, and rumbles for 25 yards. Diggs makes two men miss on a third-down jet sweep and gets 27 to the Seahawks' 2. Touchdown Cook. Carson still being evaluated for that hit. Rashad Penny in. Josh Gordon converts a third down. Xavier Rhodes down for the Vikings. Wilson throws a perfect slant to Metcalf, who takes it to the 1. Carson back in and he scores easily.




Carroll challenges this Diggs catch, believing he's short of the first down. He's right. Call REVERSED, but the Vikings pick up the first down anyway. Wilson pass gets tipped, then tipped BY Wilson to Vikings safety Anthony Harris, who walks in for a touchdown!




What the hell, Russ? Catch the damn thing.




What the hell, Booger? The Vikings WON the Minneapolis Miracle game. Has he still got the meat sweats?




Field goal is good. 14-10 Vikings. This is a hell of a one-minute drill by Cousins. Field goal is GOOD. 17-10 at halftime. Seahawks force a fumble on 3rd and 6 and the Vikings recover, but lose 11 yards. They challenge, saying it's a forward pass. It... might be? It won't matter too much, as they'll still punt. Call REVERSED. Carson gets a big hole and rumbles for 25 yards. Touchdown Penny. We're tied. FUMBLE. Seahawks ball! Cook AND Diggs down. Oh wow. Catch that pass, David Moore. Seahawks kick a field goal to take the lead. Cook's not back as the Vikings take over. Diggs is, though. Wilson to Moore for a 60-yard touchdown, and he just set Rhodes on fire. No safety help?







Xavier Rhodes is both the Vikings' best cornerback and seemingly ten minutes away from being benched. Fourth quarter opens with Trey Flowers picking off Cousins. He'll be down by contact at the Vikings' 25. That's... probably pass interference but it won't get overturned. Touchdown Penny! It's 34-17. Somehow, Laquan Treadwell ends up completely uncovered. Like, there's nobody else on screen. I think the Seahawks assumed he'd been traded for a conditional sixth-rounder at the deadline. 58 yards later he's in the end zone.




Has he scored an NFL touchdown before? He'll never get an easier one. That's big. Wilson gets caught in the middle on 3rd and 2, deciding to run before a last-minute flip to Carson, which falls incomplete. FAKE PUNT! Fourth and 2 and they get 29! Check out the margin for error in the NFC right now. You can win the division and get a first-round bye, or you're going to Lambeau or the Superdome. Metcalf fumbles and the Vikings have it! Tessitore stumbles and calls him "Decaf." Refs call incomplete pass? That challenge flag better come out, Zimmer.




Call REVERSED. (Offscreen, again.) Cousins gets crunched, lofts one up, and Rudolph saves him with a leaping catch on the sideline. This time they get Flowers for interfering with Diggs. Rudolph with a great one-handed grab for a touchdown! Extra point is... NO GOOD! Vikings get the ball back with 3:27 left. Cousins to Rudolph again. Third down pass is tipped incomplete. Vikings go for it on 4th and 3 despite having all three time outs. Incomplete! How long have the Seahawks been out of time outs? Carson powers through for 11 yards and a first down to get to the two-minute warning. Seahawks kick a critical field goal. Fumble on the kickoff? Seahawks ball. Of course. (Seahawks 37, Vikings 30)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Baltimore (10-2) — 20-17 is the average NFL score, which seems apt here
2. Seattle (10-2) — Turbo-powered
3. New Orleans (10-2) — Remember when nobody could repeat in this division?
4. San Francisco (10-2) — They won't like this loss, but they gotta respect it

BOTTOM 4:
29. Washington (3-9) — Wait, what?
30. N.Y. Jets (4-8) — Same old, same old
31. N.Y. Giants (2-10) — Still looking for answers
32. Cincinnati (1-11) — Confetti time!

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Friday, December 6, 2019

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Out of Reach

It's Troy's birthday? Colts will have T.Y. Hilton back. Jonathan Williams starting for the broken-handed Marlon Mack. Two holds on this punt, one on each team. How is that not offsetting? We come back from break to find that it is, in fact, offsetting. (The punt was almost blocked, by the way.) That's gonna be CLOSE. It looks like he does re-establish himself in the field before downing that. That's fine work. Colts get the ball at their own 1. Joe thinks Hopkins kept his feet inbounds even though it's called incomplete. He's right and the refs change the call without a review. Watson rolls out and finds Fells for 24 on 3rd and 13. Scoreless after one. Watson throws too far for Fells in the end zone. Field goal is good despite Darius Leonard jumping over the Texans' line. Hilton arrives with a diving catch. Colts going backwards. They barely get the 3rd and 26 play off. Kenny Moore tips this Watson pass to himself for the pick. Hines gets a big hole and runs for 19. Brissett scores on a keeper. Duke Johnson with a good run, followed by a Will Fuller sighting. Hopkins catches a touchdown pass in the end zone like he was fielding a punt. Nobody within five yards of him. Mistakes were made. Replay shows he ran right behind Malik Hooker, who never saw him. Brissett's pass is tipped but Ebron catches it. Did that hit the ground? Surprised that wasn't looked at. Doyle with the catch, but he can't get out of bounds. Game clock's at zero, for some reason. Viniatieri on for a 36-yarder. It's good. 10-10 at halftime. Touchdown Williams after a mostly run-powered drive to start the third. Colts retake the lead. Line-drive extra point is good. FULLER! It's weird watching receivers make tough catches. Fairbarn's field goal attempt CLANGs off the top of the upright — and goes through! 17-13. Big run by Hyde to open the fourth. Hopkins beats Desir for a touchdown!




Brissett to Ebron on the near sideline. Pass on 3rd and 7 broken up. Colts going for it, which is probably correct with three minutes left. Brissett has time, but no one's open, and his scramble doesn't get there. Texans take over. Not sure why the Colts didn't use at least one time out before the two-minute warning. Fuller converts a third down and that's probably it. Why are the Texans calling a Watson keeper here? Did this ball come out?




Now the TEXANS call time out. What are they doing? Those last three minutes were WEIRD. (Texans 20, Colts 17)

Signal Finder: SEA @ PHI, DET @ WSH (end), JAX @ TEN, DAL @ NE

That's a good return. Ertz overruns his route slightly and the ball ends up behind him. Then it almost gets picked off the deflection. No Clowney for the Seahawks, by the way. Grugier-Hill almost gets to Wilson, but he gets away only for DK Metcalf to lose his grip on a lob. Sack! Not a good punt. Jay Ajayi back! Now wearing 28, he picks up 3rd and 1. Greg Ward's first catch!




Wentz misses Sanders badly on third down. Field goal is good. Metcalf makes the catch with Darby all over him. Flea-flicker with a sideways lateral? Touchdown Seahawks. That first pitch fooled everyone and no one was near Turner when Wilson threw the pass. Ward picks up a first down. Wentz takes off on a scramble for 12. Charles Davis thinks he's going to have to do more of that. Wentz is hit from behind and fumbles. Seahawks ball. Not sure Wentz knew he was there.




The defense forces a three-and-out. Punt is downed at the Eagles' 1. Seahawks jump offsides while facing a jumbo package with six linemen (Big V is in at right guard for Brandon Brooks.) Ward with another catch. EXTEND HIM. Wentz misses Sanders again, but this one was closer. Ajayi crosses midfield as the quarter ends. Another fumble is negated by defensive holding. Imagine feeling like you need to hold these receivers. Interception! Everything went wrong there: Wentz was rushed and had to hurry the throw, the throw was early and low, and Goedert was held and the refs missed it. Wilson hits David Moore for 31 yards down the sideline. Big run by Rashard Penny. Wilson misses a wide-open Hollister in the end zone. Oof. Field goal is good. 10-3 Seahawks. Seahawks rush four and Wentz gets swallowed up. Jenkins sacks Wilson on a blitz. Wentz with another poor throw, missing Ward, who's the only Eagle who's caught anything today.




Short punt gives the Seahawks good field position. Wilson runs for a first down. Metcalf drops a touchdown. Eagles will get the ball back with 1:01 left. Four-man rush gets to Wentz AGAIN. Seahawks use their last time out, but Pederson doesn't take the bait and runs on third down to end the half. Seahawks get the ball to start the second half. Carson converts 3rd and 10 that started as a first and 20. Metcalf with another drop, this time on a diving attempt. Dillard got benched, so Vaitai's now at right tackle and Matt Pryor at right guard. Arceaga-Whiteside with a catch in traffic, no less. A bad handoff leads to a fumble and the Seahawks recover. Wentz tackles the defensive lineman, who also fumbles, and there's a scramble for it before Shaqeim Griffin, who blew up the handoff initially, picks it up and advances it to the 5. BUT, it'll come back to where Wentz tackled the lineman, as he is flagged for an illegal forward pass. Seahawks with a false start, then a delay of game.




I'd have declined this tripping penalty if I were the Eagles. Intercepted! McLeod comes up with the deflection, then laterals it to Maddox.




Some good runs are followed up by a failed wide receiver screen. Third quarter ends. Now Wentz is headed to the locker room? Chris Carson turns the corner on 3rd and 1 and gets there. Another sack for Jenkins, with help from Gerry. Mills gets flagged for holding after Wilson overthrew Gordon. Wentz is back on the sideline, apparently. Penny goes up the middle, fights Darby off, and scores a 58-yard touchdown. This game's over and there's nothing else on. ANOTHER FUMBLE as Goedert gets the ball knocked out while fighting for extra yards because nothing is easy for this offense. Then CARSON fumbles, but he gets it back because of course. HE FUMBLED AGAIN! On the NEXT PLAY. Eagles ball. Sanders loses three on 3rd and 1, not that it matters. Eagles go for it and it's incomplete off Arceaga-Whiteside's hands.




Meanwhile, Tyler Lockett actually makes a tough catch. Eagles challenging that he pushed off, to no avail.




At least the defensive line's played well, outside of a couple bad reads by Barnett in the run game. Wentz to Ertz twice. Make that three times. Trey Flowers picks off Wentz, ending the worst game of his career. I will note this sideline garbage-time contested catch by Arceaga-Whiteside, which was why he was drafted in the first place. I apologize, Dolphins-Browns watchers. You should have been better served. (Seahawks 17, Eagles 9)

Haven't the Lions not won here in like 65 years or something like that? Driskel throws an interception to possibly lengthen that streak. (Redskins 19, Lions 16)




That's... something. This finish was nuts. (Saints 34, Panthers 31)

Seriously, the Bengals are going to go 0-16 and absolutely no one will care. They lost to DEVLIN HODGES. How badly do you have to play to get benched against the BENGALS? (Steelers 16, Bengals 10)

I'm not watching this game and neither is anyone else. (Titans 42, Jaguars 20)

Weather's not good here. Maybe the place will flood. A man can dream, right? Cowboys get the opening kickoff and go three and out. Michel takes a run outside and gets a first down right away, as the Patriots have struggled to run the ball recently. No Sanu for the Patriots, who will be relying on rookies Harry and Meyers. The Cowboys, also, will likely want to get their running  game going again. Screen to Elliott turns into a big play. Jamie Collins runs down a scrambling Dak on third down. Cowboys try a field goal that clangs off the upright and out. Brady gets sacked after recovering his own fumble. BLOCKED PUNT. Matthew Slater is a special teams king. Pats take over at the Cowboys' 12. N'Keal Harry with a leaping catch in the end zone for a touchdown. Pollard drops the kickoff and goes down at the 18. He's had issues recently with returning kickoffs, too. Jarwin fumbles, but gets it back. Gilmore picks off Prescott. This is how it's gonna be, isn't it? Brady and Edelman can't connect; a rare sight. Folk to try from 44. It's good. Cooper on the Cowboys' sideline for unclear reasons. Buck notes that Tavon Austin was in the backfield with Elliott on that last run and suspects the Cowboys are setting something up. Dak rolls out but misses an open Cobb. Maher tries from 46 and he sneaks it inside the upright.




Meyers breaks a tackle then carries another dude for about seven more yards. This time Brady and Edelman connect. Folk misses right as the rain turns to snow. Prescott to Gallup for 22. And add 15 for roughing the passer. Drive stalls and the Cowboys kick again. This time it's good. Harry can't handle a ball on the sideline, but Meyers makes a catch over the middle on 3rd and 9. Not sure how Brady survived getting absolutely crunched. Edelman gets stopped one yard short with 23 seconds left. Folk's kick is... no good! His second miss today. 10-6 Pats at the break. Brandon Bolden's up! Brady gets hit but still finds Edelman on 3rd and 20. Brady facing pressure this week, too — Collins got him for a sack on the next third down. Not a good punt, either. Cowboys can't convert a third down. I don't know if I'd have called that play, either. Brady makes a great throw to Meyers over the middle, but Jeff Heath breaks it up with a big, clean hit. Witten catches that in his younger days, and the Cowboys are lucky to still have the ball, as it hit the ground just before Gilmore could make a play on it. Good catch by Gallup with everyone on the move. Another Cooper sighting, but it's coming back because of offensive holding. Austin can't stay inbounds. Pats mess with the Cowboys by not putting a returner back on this punt. It forces both a delay of game and then an inferior punt to the first one that didn't count. Michel finds a hole.




Bennett snuffs out a swing pass to James White. Folk hits from 42. Another screwup on the kickoff as Pollard is positioned at the goal line, then has to come up past the 20 to field a short kick and almost loses it back to the Patriots. Aikman rightly notes that that's on the coaches. COBB! They're KICKING THE FIELD GOAL? Christ. Garrett can't coach. Aikman is apoplectic. It's 13-9 and nothing has changed. That's how you lose this game. As much grief as we're giving Pederson today, he would have gone for it on at least two of those occasions, and definitely on this one. (The other one being the field goal that Maher missed.) Patriots passing for some reason. Michel loses four yards and that'll scuttle this drive. Pass to Elliott converts 3rd and 1, but Travis Frederick gets flagged for tripping. Aikman's not a fan. Cooper makes a diving catch on 4th and 11! Or does he? They're reviewing it. I'm not sure. Pereira doesn't think it's a catch.




Announcers and Pereira are also taking moment to debate the two tripping calls, both of which were questionable at best. (Pereira's never been more wrong than he is here, BTW.) Call REVERSED. Two Michel runs lead to a first down, and that's it. Why aren't the Patriots kicking a field goal here? (Patriots 13, Cowboys 9)

The CFL got Keith Urban for the Grey Cup halftime? That's huge. We had a 16-yard field goal before halftime, which isn't even possible in the U.S. They've got video of Carrie up on screens during "The Fighter." If he'd brought her out, that stadium collapses. (This would have been impossible, as she is at the American Music Awards.) He's in the crowd. There's been more offense in this game than any NFL game I've seen today. Better weather, too. Jim Jeffcoat's son Jackson just forced a fumble. How many families have both Super Bowls and Grey Cups? SIX turnovers by the Tiger-Cats! You're not beating anyone in any country doing that. Make it SEVEN. Christ. It's Winnipeg's first title since 1990. In a nine-team league! That's hard to do. Andrew Harris wins Outstanding Player AND Outstanding Canadian Player, which is a first in 107 of these. (Blue Bombers 33, Tiger-Cats 12)

FLEXING. Which NBC never mentions anymore (Seahawks-Eagles was actually sacrificed for this, which is fine.) Kind of dumb for Davante Adams to bump a defender out of bounds in front of an official. Rodgers gets sacked. The ball comes out and the 49ers may have it at the 2. I think Rodgers is down. I am WRONG. 49ers ball! Tevin Coleman gets turned around but still manages to get the ball across the line. Some real powerhouse programs on that 49ers offense. Garoppolo fumbles the snap, but Coleman falls on it. Kevin King gets flagged for holding Bourn, while Bryan Bulaga walks into the locker room. The Packers are already down one starting tackle. Jeff Wilson again? This guy plays one offensive snap a game and he just went for 25 yards on this one. Field goal is good. Packers haven't done anything on offense so far. Hey, a drive. Packers call time out before 4th and 1. Jones runs up the middle and gets NOWHERE. Recap of the 94ers drafting Alex Smith over Rodgers. 3RD AND 35. WELL DONE. PERSONAL FOUL ON THE DEFENSE. WELL FUCKING DONE. Kittle's playing, and he reminds us by going up to haul in that Garoppolo pass. Garoppolo dumps one off to Coleman. Another field goal makes it 13-0. Rodgers has been throwing off his back foot all night. He's either pressing or his protection is worse than I thought it would be. Deebo Samuel outruns the Packers to the end zone. Touchdown! Al points out that California hasn't been kind to the Packers this season. Nick Bosa sacks Rodgers and does the Shrug. Niners have a chance to score again. Field goal is good. 23-0 49ers and they'll get the second-half kickoff. Niners open with a 3rd and 25. They don't convert. Rodgers has had no pocket tonight and he still manages to find Jamal Williams on a dump-off to convert 4th and 4. Packers in the red zone! Stop the presses. Touchdown Adams. They go for two and Adams is alone in the corner. 23-8. Kittle WIDE open and somebody screwed up. 61-yard touchdown.




Rodgers throws just too far for Valdes-Scantling in the end zone. Fourth and 10. Incomplete, but a flag. DPI saves the Packers for now. That's two third downs the 49ers convert on this drive. Mostert picks his way through the defense and scores. We've been done here for a while. Who's Rodgers' backup these days? Because that isn't DeShone Kizer. I've had more than enough of the LaFleur brothers storyline, guys. (49ers 37, Packers 8)




The Rams get all of their receivers back tonight, which should help. I thought Color Rush was only for Thursday night. Jackson goes around the right side as Clay Matthews makes the wrong read. They didn't get this play off. The flag's for an illegal shift but they didn't get the play off. Touchdown for Hollywood Brown in Hollywood. Why isn't Ramsey on him? Jimmy Smith comes on a corner blitz and gets to Goff. Ingram gashes the Rams for a first down, then Gus Edwards follows up with another run in space.




They're averaging more than 200 rushing yards per game. Sack! Ingram gets 10 on 3rd and 12. Booger suggests the Ravens might go for this here, and the offense is still on the field. Jackson dives through the hole and picks it up. Hollywood runs past everyone for another touchdown catch. Rams finally get a first down to end the quarter. Gurley picks up a first down as the Rams try to adopt the Ravens' playbook. Goff has just enough time to find Cooks on the far sideline. Goff throws early and misses Kupp. Looks like defensive holding. Swing pass to Gurley goes absolutely nowhere. Field goal is good. Big running lane opens up for Jackson, and he gets 29 yards and the only reason he didn't score was because he fell down. Booger compares him to Vick again, calling him the only other player at that position with that much explosiveness with the ball in his hands. Ingram dives in for the touchdown. Goff to Woods, then to Cooks. The second one is followed by Chuck Clark getting an unsportsmanlinke conduct flag for knocking the ball away from the back judge. True Ravens shit. Sack! Fumble! Rams get it back. Booger: "America. Stop allowing tight ends to block premier pass rushers."




That sack ends up sealing their field goal fate. Ravens already at the Rams' 25. Rams blitz and Jackson finds Snead on a slant for an easy touchdown. Rams don't even bother running another play. 28-6 Ravens at the half.




Jackson to Ingram for a touchdown to cap off a workmanlike drive. Five possessions, five touchdowns. Tess points out that the Rams are two games behind the Seahawks for a WILD CARD spot. They're in real trouble. They PUNT. What the hell happened to Sean McVay? Talk turns to Eric Weddle and his alleged unwillingness to tell Rams coaches about the Ravens' plans. Lisa Salters talked to him and he clarified that giving up play calls just didn't make sense. (On the other hand, you know Marcus Peters spilled ALL the tea. Because he's that dude.) Ravens not sure what to do, as the punt team was out, then the field goal team, then the OFFENSE all with about 10 seconds left on the play clock, even. Harbaugh calls time out. They go for it and Jackson completes it to Boykin. Talk turns to the AFC playoff picture, and the announces wonder if the Patriots could better contain the Ravens at home than they did in Baltimore a few weeks back. Tess: "Funny things happen up there. Did you see the tripping?" Jackson to Snead, who rounds the corner... and gets the pylon! Tess: "We got a Jackson Five!" That also makes him 7-for-7 on third downs tonight. Booger talks up the Ravens' defense, which has done a JOB tonight and all year after losing Suggs, C.J. Mosley and others. Peters intercepts Goff. He's enjoying this. Remember, the Rams basically dumped him on the Ravens to make room for Jalen Ramsey, and Peters has been the better player since those trades. Twelve minutes left and RGIII in.




I wonder if he wonders how things would have turned out if he'd had a coach who actually wanted him around. THIS CATCH BY BOYKIN THOUGH. Brockers gets to Griffin. Booger notes that Aaron Donald has done nothing tonight just as I'm thinking I haven't heard his name called. Field goal! As in NOT A TOUCHDOWN. That's a win for the Rams. Rams punt again. Cowards. At least it was over quickly.




I mean, he might be right. (Ravens 45, Rams 6)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Baltimore (9-2) — Good luck solving this
2. Seattle (9-2) — Gotta win ugly sometimes
3. San Francisco (10-1) — A much-needed rebound
4. New England (10-1) — I still have CONCERNS

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Giants (2-9) — Had their chances
30. Miami (2-9) — Same old, same old
31. Washington (2-9) — How embarrassing for the Lions
32. Cincinnati (0-11) — Zac Taylor is drowning and no one cares

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