Thursday, September 13, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Victory Laps

Yeah, we're not starting until 9. YOU CAN SIT BACK DOWN NOW. That's some A-plus camera work on the fans singing the fight song. Banner time.



It's huge. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. Here come the Falcons.





Why are there only three Boyz II Men? Celek and Donnie Jones out as honorary captains for the coin toss. Wentz, also, but in street clothes. He won't play for at least two more weeks, I'd bet. Eagles win the toss and defer. That kick almost went out of bounds. Falcons start with a false start. Back-to-back big plays by Jones and Freeman and the Falcons are across midfield. Ryan finds Jones for 33 yards on 3rd and 10, and they're inside the 5. Cox stuffs Freeman on 2nd down, then Ryan throws incomplete to Freeman in the flat on 3rd. Falcons going for it! DENIED!! Freeman tried to go outside but the Eagles weren't having it.






Sproles (?!) gets the first carry. Agholor with the first catch on 2nd down. Three and out. Bad penalty on a good punt. Ryan makes a dangerous throw to Coleman (Barnett almost tipped it) but Coleman caught it and rumbles 30 yards. Pederson challenges this Hooper catch. Not sure he should have. Call stands. Third down sack is nullified by offsides. Field goal is good.




Shelton Gibson fighting on this kickoff return. Not a fan of these new player graphics. You can barely see their positions and numbers. First down Agholor. Foles drops a snap and the Eagles have to punt.
The Eagles have zero yards after the first quarter.




Agholor again. DeAndre Carter makes his first career catch and is the first non-Agholor to catch pass tonight. Eagles' offense starting to churn. Incomplete to Mike Wallace on third down but Trufant is flagged for DPI. Why are you showing Carter? Offensive holding? OK.




Foles goes deep to the rookie Goedert in the end zone but he's out of bounds. Elliott in for a 26-yarder. This is tenuous. He MADE that? Wow. Ryan looks like he's limping a little after that slide? Collinsworth thinks his brace slid out of place. He's back in and it looks like the brace is off. Hicks with the sack. Bryant hooks it good from 52. Mistake by Gibson to return that kick. Eagles are pinned at the 5 after a penalty. Foles is lucky that wasn't intentional grounding. Here's the Rodgers Rule on Foles — you can't drive your body weight onto a quarterback if he doesn't have the ball. That's a good punt. This hasn't been the best game. McLeod almost picks Ryan off. This feels like the playoff game. Foles airmails one deep to Wallace that isn't caught. 6-3 at halftime and it was a 6-3 kind of game. They're BOOING! Never change.




Alford drops an interception. Jones beats Mills on a double move but juggles it and it's ruled incomplete because he was out of bounds when he finally got control. The ball never hit the ground that I saw. Falcons are challenging. Call STANDS?! What?




The only thing I can figure is that the ball hit the ground when Jones's arms were above his head. NBC hired Terry Macauley as their rules guy and he agrees with us. Then the Falcons get flagged for intentional grounding. Ajayi gets a first down and is mad that he lost his balance afterwards. That's Goedert's first catch. THEY DID IT AGAIN!! This time with Agholor! Sweet Jesus.





Foles finds Ertz, who gets to the 6. Note that Neal and McKinney are both out for the Falcons. Now Deion Jones is walking off. That's not good for the Falcons. Touchdown Ajayi! (He's switched to #26.) Falcons drive dies at midfield. That's the second punt the Eagles have gotten close to, which is no small thing. Tre Sullivan gets pushed into the ball on the punt and it's Falcons ball. Wow.




Collinsworth says someone has to call him off there, usually the return man. Nate Gerry damn near had a pick-six off that pass knockdown. Strangely, no challenge to this Sanu catch. Sack is nullified by Barnett lining up in the neutral zone, and that's a first down. Douglas in for Darby, we are told. Intercepted by Douglas! That's on Ryan, who underthrew that badly. The Eagles give it right back when a pass to Goeddert is intercepted by Deion Jones.




Touchdown Coleman. Extra point goes off the upright and... OUT. No good! Offensive PI on Ertz turns a first down into 3rd and 14, and the Eagles don't pick it up. Then a 59-yard punt gets wiped out by offsetting penalties. Goodell's here at this shitshow. 3RD AND 29. WONDERFUL. Still plenty of time. Sproles slips away from Beasley to convert 3rd and 9.




Clement gets 21 on 3rd and 2. and the Eagles are in the red zone. Is that a sock? Oh, it's his towel. Touchdown Ajayi! Eagles going for two here? Well, they're up four, so sure, why not. Ajayi converts. 18-12. Julio Jones kills the Eagles between the 20s. Better throw and he's still running. That's at least the second time Ryan's just fallen down on a sack. Jones goes to the ground and still catches it on 3rd and 17. And another one. This time it's Sanu. It IS the playoff game again.




Ryan goes too high on second down. At lest this time they're trying to go to Julio Jones. Ryan hit as he throws on third down. ILLEGAL CONTACT. One second, one play. Jones catches it... OUT OF BOUNDS. Eagles win! God, that was brutal to watch.




Agreed. (Eagles 18, Falcons 12)

Khalil Mack's playing Sunday night. O. KAY.

Signal Finder: PIT @ CLE, JAX @ NYG, SF @ MIN (end), DAL @ CAR

So the Browns are replacing Joe Thomas at left tackle with an undrafted rookie who didn't play for three years. Meanwhile, the Steelers are replacing Le'Veon Bell with Actual Cancer Survivor James Conner. Browns quarterback No. 29, Tyrod Taylor. He just picked up a 3rd and 13 by running.




Ward picks off Ben at the Browns' 10 and the Browns have the ball. Ben doesn't run as well as he used to. And he's lost weight? Must be the knees. Conner walks into the end zone untouched.




That's a great fingertip catch by Jarvis Landry. Taylor throws an interception but it's nullified by defensive holding. Nick Chubb's first carry is for precious little. Shovel pass on 3rd down also does not work. Ben airs one out... but it's intercepted! Bruce Arians (who's in the booth for CBS) thinks Antonio Brown lost track of the ball. Rain may be picking up. Is Taylor the Browns' leading rusher today? That's another first down, that one on an option.




Steelers not in a tremendous hurry here with two time outs. Intercepted by Ward! That's his second today, the Browns' third, and this may already be the worst game Ben's had against the Browns, who he's historically owned. Browns then almost fumble it away and then go into halftime down 7-0. TOUCHDOWN. Conner rushing touchdown canceled by holding. Then a touchdown pass is taken off the board by Illegal Hands to the Face. Steelers killing themselves with terrible mistakes. Then Ben finally finds Brown on the side of the end zone for a touchdown that will actually count. The Browns can't block anyone. Big run by Conner. And then he goes for a touchdown. Le'veon who? Taylor goes up top to Josh Gordon but Joe Haden breaks it up in the end zone. That graphic is correct — Roethlisberger has more wins in Cleveland than any Browns quarterback in that time span. Browns catch a break when a punt glances off a Browns player but they get awarded the ball. Tomlin challenges. He's right, but I'm not sure this gets overturned. CBS has a new rules guy too? It's Steratore? Huh.




PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Touchdown Hyde! WHAT DID I JUST SAY. Taylor finds Higgins down the sideline. TOUCHDOWN JOSH GORDON! That is some top-shelf toe-tapping. Browns get a stop on defense and get to midfield, and then the Steelers get caught with 12 men on the field. And Taylor throws up a pick. Same guy who Gordon beat on the game-tying touchdown. We got overtime. Julius Peppers fair-catches a punt and immediately regrets it. Wait where did the time go? Oh, right, OT's 10 minutes now. That's a BAD punt. Swing pass to Conner gets the Steelers six more yards. Boswell on. High snap! WIDE LEFT! Landry wants a flag, but Gordon's the one who should have gotten one. Browns punt because not converting most likely loses the game. An injured Demarious Randall wants a time out that the Browns don't have. INTERCEPTION!! Gonzales from 43. BLOCKED. One last chance for the Steelers. Incomplete. IT'S A TIE.






It's what they deserve. It's what we deserve, too, for putting up with it. (Steelers 21, Browns 21)

I don't know, guys. All this hype around Garoppolo feels a little Scott Mitchell-ish. And there's a pass right to Harrison Smith. There's only one problem. (Vikings 24, 49ers 16)





Oh boy. Well, we know that's not sustainable for the Buccaneers if you've seen Fitzpatrick play for any extended period of time. On the other hand, if this wasn't an outlier for the Saints' defense, they could be in a lot of trouble.


AYYYYY. That guy was a three-day champ on Jeopardy. (Buccaneers 48, Saints 40)

The Giants switched to a 3-4? Do they even have four good linebackers? Kenny Albert with both Barbers on the call. Ereck Flowers still out here being trash. That hold was just barely outside of the end zone. Interception by Jenkins. Giants driving. Toss to Beckham on 3rd down and goal and it... does not work. Field goal is good. 3-3.




Yeah, good job extending that dude. Jags stuck kicking it again and it's 6-3. Eli throws into coverage and Engram gets called for OPI. Fournette's been felled by a hamstring, we are told. Oddly, this has not stopped the Jaguars. Yeldon tries to stretch for the end zone but doesn't make it. Pat Shurmur's about to lose this challenge. And he does. Bortles to Yeldon for the touchdown. The Giants still can't block anyone. That's the second sack on this drive. Good acting by Beckham there. Eli then overthrows him. Did he sidearm that? Field goal is good. Halftime. Barkley's hurt? Jebus. Bortles just gashed these dudes for 41 yards. Oh, there's Barkley, with no room to run. Eli gets pressured into a pick-six by Myles Jack. That return was at, like, one-third speed. Nobody even tried to contest it. BARKLEY! Still should have drafted a quarterback. He gets stuffed on the two-point try and it's still 20-15. Jags doing what they didn't do in the AFC title game and actually let the play clock run down some. They then follow this with two incompletions, one which was knocked back into Bortles' face, and one that was almost intercepted. You know who's good is Landon Collins. Giants force a punt and here we go again maybe. Jags get a stop. They run on 3rd and 6 and don't get close. MUFFED PUNT! Wow. That's just gross. (Jaguars 20, Giants 15)




Nobody involved in that decision should have trusted their instincts.




Aaand he's been benched. For Josh Allen. Who's WORSE. (Ravens 47, Bills 3)


Everyone who had the Cincinnati Bengals as the first team to have a player thrown out of a game over the new helmet rule, please report to the pay window. The odds were probably 3-5, so you lost money, but you need to show up anyway to fill out the paperwork. That touchdown off the Doyle fumble is how the Bengals LOSE games. (Bengals 34, Colts 23)

Get 'em, Cam. Sweet fake. And then McCaffrey fumbles after Buck talked about how he was going to be used more as a runner this season. Yeah, it's wild that the Panthers JUST NOW put their own logo at midfield. Olsen bails Cam out with a leaping catch. That's the second time Cam's frozen a linebacker on a run. Even Joe can't believe the Steelers-Browns finish. Shaq Thompson blows up a Prescott screen. That's a good punt return in traffic. Newton crashes through defenders and scores. This Cowboys offense has problems. No gamebreakers other than Elliott. Cam finding some new guys through the air. Ryan Kalil (the good one) gets hit with a face mask penalty. McCaffrey gets most of it back. Cam escapes a sack, but then the Panthers can't get a play in and they have to kill the clock, tossing away a chance at a touchdown. Gano kick is good, and it's 10-0 Panthers at halftime. Big run by Elliott. God job picking up that flag — Thompson wasn't engaged with anyone else, making Elliott's block legal. It was so clear I'm not sure how it got thrown in the first place. Pretty good punt return by Tavon Austin, who the Rams finally gave up on. Rainbows. That's how they work. Elliott gets tripped up, thwarting a potential big gain. New Cowboys kicker Brett Maher MISSES from 47. Funches, then McCaffrey. Who's this? That's not McCaffrey or C.J. Anderson but it is a touchdown. Oh, this is ill-advised. Gotta make your extra points. Elliott's going to be their leading receiver, too, isn't he? Elliott to the right side for a touchdown. Aikman calls the quarterback draw and Dak converts. Cowboys get pressure on a depleted Panthers line, forcing a punt. Now the Panthers are getting pressure. Fumble! Panthers ball! That'll do it. "There wasn't anywhere for Prescott to throw the football." Because he doesn't have any receivers, Troy. (Panthers 16, Cowboys 8)

No idea why Tirico has replaced Dan Patrick on Football Night in America. NEW SONG YAY.




Mack trade breakdown. Bears split out a lineman and then run inside with Cohen.


Touchdown! "25 or 6 to 4" into commercial. Rodgers gets sacked. Montgomery down the sideline for a big gain that gets wiped out by offensive holding. Well, Allen Robinson looks healthy. The Bears have gotten literally nothing out of that position the last few years. Trubisky missed him in the end zone just then, though. Cody Parkey field goal makes it 10-0. Jimmy Graham doing things. Rodgers gets sacked and he's struggling to get up. Massive punt return by Cohen. Bears stay out on 4th and 4, at least for the moment. They go for it, and the Packers snuff it out. That was basically a Butt Fumble, wasn't it? Rodgers being driven off the field. Browns exile DeShone Kizer takes over.


He finds Cobb for 29. Adams twice. Khalil Mack with the sack, strip, and recovery.


Danny Trevathan crashed into his teammate. Al name-checks Roquan Smith, who hasn't played yet, and he comes in to replace Trevathan and sacks Kizer. Then Mack intercepts Kizer and runs it back for a touchdown!





Packer Nation is LIVID. 17-0 Bears at the half, and they get the ball to start the third.



Muhammad Wilkerson hits Trubisky late, drawing a flag. Direct snap to Cohen yields little. Field goal is good. Does Rodgers come back out? He does! Big run by Williams. Field goal puts the Packers on the board. Virginia McKaskey montage. Geronimo! The Packers going no-huddle with a hobbled quarterback seems... strange. GERONIMO!!! That catch AFTER that THROW. 20-10.




Packers sniff out the 3rd down pass and force a punt. Rodgers to Adams! Rinse and repeat for a touchdown and this game just started to cook. Trubisky runs for a first down. Bears doing a good job of keeping the clock running. Packers challenging an out-of-bounds on this Howard run. They might win this, which will make it 1st and 10 from the 42 instead of the 16. Challenge is good. Does no one line up under center anymore? Gotta run the ball on 3rd and 1, Bears. Field goal is good. Kyle Fuller drops an interception. Cobb. Cobb? COBB!!! TOUCHDOWN PACKERS!!!! Of course, there's 2:10 left and the Bears have two time outs.




The middle of the field was completely empty there. How does that happen? 4th and 9 fails, but a Roughing the Passer call on Clay Matthews (whose name I haven't heard tonight) gives the Bears new life. Not great throws from Trubisky on this series. 4th and 10 and Nick Perry strip-sacks Trubisky.


This game was 20-0. That dropped pick, man. This one's gonna sting. (Packers 24, Bears 23)

I guess Tessitore and Witten are doing the late game. Who's calling this game with Beth Mowins? I missed it and I can't tell by his voice. (It's also a little odd that she's doing this game when she calls Raiders preseason games.) Not ideal, Sam Darnold. Pretty good, Lions defense. That's a good punt return. Touchdown Jets. Stafford throws a not-great interception on a throw he couldn't miss on. Morris Claiborne's still in the league? Kick is good. 10-7 Jets. Stafford throws another interception (this one worse than the last)... but Trumaine Johnson fumbles it and the Lions get it back! (After the refs sort it out, of course.) Golladay put a lick on Johnson, too. Prater then misses from 56 (indoors?) so it's all for naught. Stafford limping after going down there. Replay shows his own man kicked him in the leg. Touchdown Jets! Darnold to Robby Anderson for 41 yards and that's his first career touchdown. He beat Tavon Wilson, which I believe makes that two Temple guys in the end zone there. Stafford back out there for the Lions. Jets hurting themselves with penalties on this drive. What the HELL, Stafford. Where was that pass even supposed to go?




Fortunately, the defender was ruled out of bounds, so the Lions will at least get a field goal. 17-10 Jets at halftime. Brian Griese's in the booth with Mowins. Stafford starting to heat up, with a big play to Tate on the sideline. Why do the Jets have one guy patrolling the entire middle of the field behind the line of scrimmage? Tate tucked in and scored easily on that pass. The Jets are marching downfield in response. Touchdown! Solid response from the rookie. Wait, Jeremy Bates (the Jets' OC) was walking the earth for four years? Pick-six for the Jets! Does Stafford need his eyes checked? There wasn't anything there. 31-17 Jets! ESPN graphic says that was the Jets' first defensive touchdown in 73 games. And then the Lions fumble a handoff. Oh, that's Blount. Oops. Was that not a fumble? OK, whatever. Stafford down again. Matt Patricia looks like he's regretting this. Matt Cassel in. That's a lot of Matts in one place. And the Jets return this punt for a touchdown. That one at the Lions 36 looks the closest but it still looks good to me.




Stafford back in and Darron Lee intercepts him AGAIN. That's four. Take him right the hell back out. Jets get a field goal and it's 41-17. Griese on Gruden: "He's right back where he was 10 years ago." That... may ultimately be why this doesn't work. Another missed field goal by Prater. Did Mowins just say "surrender cobras"? That's cold.




Crowell just burned the Lions for a 62-yard touchdown. The third quarter just ended, by the way.




Jets laying the wood to the Lions now. Stafford sits for Cassel. And now the Jets fans in attendance have taken over. Another interception, this one by Jamal Adams. It's his first? Huh. LOL they're going right to Rams-Raiders with 6:30 left. (Jets 48, Lions 17)

Yeah, the Rams have added some combustible elements, to say the least. Raiders get the ball first. Vertical football is back? Lynch drills his way through the pile and drags like eight people into the end zone. Goff managed to both over- and underthrow Kupp there. Nice work by woods on the outside. Sweep to Gurley, who makes the edge and scores. I still don't know why they  have Booger McFarland on a rig 15 feet above the field. Oh man. Those two Marshawn Lynch photos.




Jared Cook's really good when he's on. There's a second part to that equation that you're all familiar with by now. Rams front getting the disruption it paid for. Field goal is good, 10-7 Raiders. Bruce Irvin just wrecked Goff. Rams recover the fumble, but they're forced into a field goal. Legatron hooks it right!




Intercepted in the end zone! That's on Carr. Coverage was too good; go somewhere else. Goff throws a bomb to Brandin Cooks that bounces off a Raider's head and draws a flag. Goff throws into traffic and it almost gets picked by two different guys. Here's a thing I don't like: The down and distance being on the left side of the score bug. Booger noting that the Raiders have had to blitz to get any pressure on Goff. Third down incompletion brings Legatron back out. He makes this one and it's 10-10. Booger: "You don't make a living in this league trading Hall of Fame players." I wasn't expecting Jared Cook to be the Raiders' receiving star tonight.




Now the down and distance is on the other side. Make up your minds; this is some FS1 shit. Field goal is good and it's 13-10 Raiders at halftime. They also have 145 penalty yards. The Raiders are BACK, ladies and gentlemen! Leon Hall's still playing? I did not know Gruden gave McVay his first job his last year in Tampa. Cooks gives the Rams another dimension of speed they didn't have last year with Sammy Watkins. Touchdown Kupp! Rams lead. Carr getting careless. Goff just misses Woods. DOWN AND DISTANCE ALERT: Back on the LEFT. Goff's pass gets knocked down. Field goal is good. Jared Cook has two great games a year and this looks like one. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. What in the blue hell was THAT? Goff guns it to Kupp to convert 3rd and 7. You know who this Raiders defense could use? Well, Marcus Peters, too, if we're being honest. He just pick-sixed Carr. (Rams 33, Raiders 13)

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Thursday, September 6, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Absolute Madmen

Philadelphia is ALL OVER this pregame. From the Eagles coming out to a Meek Mill song, to Leslie Odom Jr. singing American the Beautiful, to Pink singing the anthem (Over/under: 2:14).




ANTHEM TIMER: 1:55! That was a damn sprint. Is that some kind of record?

Well, I guess we gotta do this.




Patriots win the toss and defer. Everything is terrible. Three straight completions from Foles to start. First run is by Blount and he gets put in a sleeper hold. Smith goes up to pick up a 3rd and 12. Al sort of recapping the Jay Ajayi situation in Miami. Screen to Clement gets them inside the 10. False start? Not great. Eric Rowe breaks up a corner fade to Jeffery on 3rd down and Elliott comes in. Kick is good. Spoon's "The Underdog" goes into commercial.







What the hell, Sprint. About time we got a Solo trailer.

No tape on Brady's hand. He catches the Eagles with 12 men on the field. Brady to Chris Hogan for 28. Eagles getting no pressure and Brady's picking them apart. Mills saves them with a breakup of a pass that was behind Gronk. Gostkowski makes it and we're tied.

LOL ETRADE.

Run-pass options explained to an Hall & Oates song. TOUCHDOWN JEFFERY! Great catch over Eric Rowe. Once again, this is too short for Elliott. Mills beaten again. Cooks tries to hurdle McLeod and fails spectacularly, Field goal is SPECTACULARLY missed. Oh, that's a very bad hold after a not-great snap. No one was anywhere near Amendola. Scary. Cooks gets cracked by Jenkins. No flag, as he was a runner. He's heading off, and that's  big loss for the Patriots. Double reverse pass? TO BRADY? He can't hold it. Gisele was right. Who knew?





Jeffrey can't pull in an airmailed throw from Foles, but makes up for it with a sweet over-the-shoulder catch. Ertz with a big gain over the middle. Blount! TOUCHDOWN. They're going for two? I don't like it. Foles can't connect with Jeffery and it's still 15-3. Mike Trout in the house. Rex Burkhead makes an appearance and catches a pass for a large gain. Corey Graham getting a lot of run here. Brady starting to get knocked around a little. Was that a shot put? Gostkowski good from 45.


Heck of a time to lose the signal. We come back and learn that Cooks will not return. Ajayi's so good after getting hit. Then Foles makes his first big mistake — throwing to Jeffery in tight coverage (by Gilmore, finally), it's tipped and the Patriots intercept it. At least they're pinned deep. Gronk not a factor so far. Holding on Mills gives the Pats another first down. Brady loading up... and he hits Hogan on a deep ball. Bad tackling helps James White score.




Gostkowski SHANKS the extra point. He just botched that one, man.




So that was all a setup for an Australia tourism ad? Well played, mates.

Clement! CLEMENT. 55 yards for the kid. Already over 600 combined yards and it's not even halftime (and you'd think there'd be more points with that kind of yardage). Then he gets an inside run and just churns for an extra four yards. Jeffery trying to sell it but no one's buying. Pederson at least thinking about going for it here. They call time out and Foles goes back out there. Blount is NOT in, for the record. Burton takes the second handoff from Clement and passes... TO FOLES! TOUCHDOWN!! THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN. That is unreal.











Burton went to Florida as a quarterback, got moved to receiver, and became a tight end in the pros. I guess you don't forget how to do that. 22-12 Eagles at halftime.

Watching the replay on the highlights afterwards, Foles may not have gotten enough credit. He sneaks away from the center just before the snap (it went right to Clement), tucks in behind Lane Johnson as if he's calling an audible, waits to release, gets wide open when he does release, and look at the form on that catch! Just tucked it in. Insanity.

This sure isn't Gaga's entrance. How you gonna show up on a ramp with four other dudes who aren't the rest of N'Sync?




ALSO, the leader of this backing band was born in Trenton and grew up in Willingboro. "Sexy Back" third, which seems right.




It's SO. BAD.




So no Prince hologram... but they project him onto a sheet while Justin's at the piano covering "I Would Die 4 U." That external shot with the stadium roof and then the surrounding area turning purple was AWESOME.




The rest of it was... not great.

Jim Halpert IS Jack Ryan. Could we have gotten one line out of him? Kelly Clarkson's joining The Voice? TRAITOR!

Downingtown:




Michele reports that Malcolm Butler isn't playing because of "best chance to win" boilerplate. To be fair, Butler hasn't been good this year. There's Gronk. And again. And AGAIN. And again for the touchdown.

Why is Tide everywhere?

Collinsworth: "We've had more passes thrown to quarterbacks than punts." Agholor was wrapped up, but he escapes and gets a first down. Ajayi keeps his feet and crosses midfield. Swing pass to Ertz gets another first down.




The Pistons, Al? Hell of a career move. Foles hits Clement down the seam for what is called a touchdown after a brief convo. I'm not convinced.





Call STANDS. Collinsworth doesn't buy it.







Why is Steven Tyler on a race track on the moon? And now driving backwards on said race track? Oh, it's a DeLorean disguised as a Kia.

Brady doing whatever he wants in the passing game. There's been no pass rush at all from either team. This could get to the 40s. Brady with 403 passing yards and we're still in the third quarter. 29-26. Celebrity crawl: Mayweather, Jimmy Fallon (who has a show to do in about four hours), Bradley Cooper (of course.)

Mechanicsburg:




Another excellent throw by Foles to Agholor for 24. Seems like a lot of the Eagles' runs have been to the right side even before Wisniewski went out (he's now back in). Another reverse to Agholor. 955 total yards ALREADY. Third quarter over.

"Dirty Dancing" by Eli and OBJ. When did Beckham have time to rehearse that? Didn't his foot fall off?





Agholor gets drilled and the Eagles have to settle for three. Elliott kick is good. Monster's making headphones now? Brady tearing the Eagles' defense apart. And there's Gronk in the back of the end zone. They were painting the hashmarks over those logos like an hour and a half before kickoff, which is about where the extra points are kicked from. It's good and the Patriots take the lead.





Alexa spot with Gordon Ramsay, Cardi B (twice) and Rebel Wilson ends with Anthony Hopkins feeding Goldfish crackers to a peacock while doing a Hannibal Lecter impression. Yes, you read that right.

VERY IMPORTANT 3rd and 6 here. Ertz picks it up. Third and 1 now. Screen to Smith (after the Pats blew up the run lanes) comes up short. The Eagles go for it on 4th and 1 from their own 46 — as they should — and Ertz jumps up to get the first down. Seriously, you can't punt it there. Not against those guys.




Peyton shilling for Universal Studios. "Megatron? I thought he played for Detroit."

Foles is throwing DIMES tonight. And Agholor's having a big game. Al and Cris talking about time becoming a factor.





WE STAN A WOMAN SCORNED. (Did I do that right?) 2:30 left. (After the game, Steve Young pointed out (correctly) that with 2:03 left, the Eagles should have thrown on 2nd down here.) Foles hits Ertz over the middle and he goes into the end zone. What are we looking for here? Did the ball pop up after he rolled over or did the ground cause it? Is he a runner or still a receiver at this point?









Cris: "I cannot wait for them to change this rule." (Narrator: "He was waiting a long time.") He's a runner! Touchdown! Thank you for explaining that. Julie sighing with relief in the cheap seats. "Cheap", of course, being relative.





Also, this is too much time. Two-point conversion is unsuccessful again.




SACK! FUMBLE!! EAGLES BALL!!! Brandon Graham knocked it out! That's that formation where the Eagles slide Graham or Curry inside. Patriots use their last time out, which is huge.




Third down run gets stuffed. Eagles should run the clock down and kick it here. Elliott from 46. GOOD. The Patriots take the kickoff, and they try to reverse it and get stuck at the 9-yard line.




Two straight incompletions. Finally pressure's coming. 4th and 10. Caught by Amendola inches off the turf. Brady spikes it with 26 seconds left.




He finds Gronk twice and the big man gets out of bounds twice. Darby almost had a pick, and why are they throwing a 9-yard out to Philip Dorsett here? 1152 total yards. Hail Mary.

Incomplete.

THAT'S IT.







I don't know what to do with my hands.









Millville:













Now we go to this weird procession they've started doing with the Lombardi. Darrell Green's doing it? Way to troll R's fans, guys. I approve. Lurie was GOING to get that dedication in.




Delran:



Stafford Township, N.J.:







It wasn't supposed to be this year. It wasn't supposed to be this team. It certainly wasn't supposed to be this quarterback. I'm sitting here trying to remember how I thought I would feel if this ever happened. I can't. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm sitting here in shock.

Fly on, Birds.

(Eagles 41, Patriots 33)
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Monday, September 3, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Ultraviolence

Why is CBS so much better at these?




Patriots get the ball first. There's the first big play from Cooks.




Pats pass up 48-yard field goal to go for 4th and 2. They start out with five wide before calling time out. They come back, stay going for it, and Brady hits Amendola. Sack! Pats end up settling for three. It's LOUD. Lot of Fournette so far, both in the running and passing games. He stumbles for a first down. Drive dies when Bortles throws behind Marquise Lee on a crossing route and Lee can't hold on. Jaguars defense holding strong so far. A lot of Fournette may be the Jaguars' best plan here. Yeldon's knee is clearly down inbounds. 21 years ago is the basis for this comeback from commercial. Another big play by Grant out of the backfield. Who is this? Touchdown Marcedes Lewis!




The Pacific Rim sequel is coming out in March? This isn't a great Patriots offensive line. The Jaguars can get to Brady, and if you hit him in the mouth a few times, you have a chance. Seriously, who is this Corey Grant dude? He may not be on the Patriots' copy of the roster. Fournette again. First and goal jaguars. Touchdown Fournette!




Nantz notes that we haven't seen Gronkowski yet. On cue, Brady goes to him but the pass is broken up. Second time is the charm as the Pats get 20. Fowler sacks Brady on 3rd down. Jags exercising control right now. I don't think that's a catch but there was a false start so it doesn't matter anyway. How do you even have a false start coming out of a timeout, anyway? Did Mike McCarthy take over the Jaguars? And a third down conversion is reversed because of delay of game. Bortles runs around and gets sacked.




The Patriots don't really have a pass rush. Jaguars are hurting themselves with penalties now — Church just went helmet-to-helmet on Gronk and that was clear as day. Then Bouye pushes Cooks out of bounds and that's another penalty. That sets up Brady to Cooks, who gets to the 1, and then James White rushes in for a touchdown. Jags take a knee to go into halftime up 14-10.




Bortles is 15 of 17 after that Yeldon conversion. Lambo out to try a 54-yarder? GOOD. Brady finds Chris Hogan in a hole in the middle of the field for their first third-down conversion. Also, no Gronk to start the second half. Cooks has a touchdown bounce off his hands. Pats blitz and get to Bortles. Back-to-back three-and-outs. Fournette turns nothing into something. Romo calls out the crossing patterns and Bortles still hits Lee for a first down. Then Lee powers past Eric Rowe for another first. Lambo from 43. GOOD. Double pass? Belichick's desperate. FUMBLE?!?! Myles Jack thinks he has it. Ruling is Jaguars' ball.







God, that's close. It's Jaguars ball... but they rule that Jack was touched down. No score. Very important for the Patriots to stop them right afterwards.




Brady finds Amendola to pick up 3rd and 18. FLEA FLICKER. CAUGHT. Touchdown Amendola and UH-OH.




Big catch by Hurns to pick up that 3rd down. Don't really understand throwing deep there. Bad PI on Ramsey. Telvin Smith saves the Jags so far with that third-down pass breakup. Jaguars are calling too many pass plays.




And then they give up a big punt return to Amendola and the Patriots are already in field goal range. That's a catch. And while we wait, Jack is being helped off. Two-yard sneak by Brady? That's a new thing. Marcell Dareus down for the Jags now. Touchdown Amendola in the back of the end zone and that's the game. Blake Bortles can't do this. I've never been more confident about anything in the world. Bortles finds Dede Westbrook for 29 yards. James Harrison sacks Bortles, who fumbles, but the Jaguars recover, delaying the inevitable. Fourth and 14 now. Legitimately great play by Stephon Gilmore to break that pass up.




Dion Lewis runs for 15 yards on 3rd and 9 and that's it.




Yep, the bad guys win again. (Patriots 24, Jaguars 20)

KICK OFF ALREADY GOD. Najee Goode starts at middle linebacker for the Eagles, their fourth this season. McKinnon spins for a first down. Vikings finding a little success running outside. Eagles are scrambling and Rudolph escapes and catches a lob for a touchdown. CURLING. Roll out to Agholor. Foles takes a shot deep for Smith but he can't bring it in. Burton didn't need to jump there. Then they run into the punt returner after he called for a fair catch. Diggs gets popped in the back. Interception! Robinson reverses field. TOUCHDOWN!




Ajayi getting heated up. Foles finds Ertz to pick up 3rd and 10. Blount bashes his way into the end zone. Eagles up 14-7.




McKinnon with another first down. Fumble! Eagles ball! Derek Barnett got to Keenum and knocked it out. Foles is straight-up trapped in this pocket. Another bomb. TOUCHDOWN JEFFERY! No one was near him. Vikings seem shook. No Xavier Rhodes? Huh. That's worth watching. Ertz! Rhodes back in, we're told. Another big run by Ajayi gets them into the red zone. They have all three time outs? Never mind then. Field goal is good. 24-7 Eagles at halftime. Enjoy some Upper Midwestern shade:




Eagles come out running again. Vikings' blitz is a tad late and Jeffery gets a first down.
TOUCHDOWN SMITH! That's his first catch of the year. (I'm exaggerating.) Off a flea-flicker, no less. That's cold, Doug.




Jay Glazer on the field already talking about what Pat Shurmur faces with the Giants. Jarius Wright stumbles out of bounds, preventing a touchdown. McKinnon gets a couple of first downs. Vikings need a touchdown here. Not sure what happened between Keenum and Thielen on that 3rd down pass. Thielen just stood there like he thought that throw was going somewhere else. Vikings going for it and they should. Did he catch that? Refs signal touchdown! No, that hit the ground. Eagles take over. Bradley Cooper's here, no surprise. Barkley's here! (Charles, not Matt.) That's great play design. Ertz is feasting tonight, which is really remarkable because this Vikings defense has murdered tight ends all year. Agholor! It's stunning what the Eagles have done to this Vikings' defense. TOUCHDOWN. This is wild.






McLeod drops an interception. Vikings go for it again and it's incomplete. This team is two years ahead of schedule.





Buck shouting out two retiring NFL Films cameramen. Keenum throws to a tightly covered Thielen, Darby picks it off, Thielen knocks it away only for Corey Graham to ALSO pick it off.







Aikman talking up Eagles OL coach Jeff Stoutland, who's a holdover from Chip Kelly's staff.
Sudfeld! Light the fuse.







Don't sing, Terry. NOW you can sing, Lana. (Eagles 38, Vikings 7)

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