Friday, January 19, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Understuffed

Practically a cold open as we go to Erin almost immediately. Again, how do you line up offside on a KICKOFF? Lions try to draw the Vikings offside on 4th and 1 from their 49 instead of just going for it. It does not work.


Vikings driving as the announcers recount the rise of Adam Thielen from undrafted local kid to their second-best player over the last month. Nice run by Latavius Murray, who looks like his Raiders self again after Dalvin Cook's injury. Kyle Rudolph will never catch an easier touchdown pass. Extra point is BLOCKED. Pereira wondering why the Lions didn't pick up the ball afterwards. Fumbled handoff gives the Vikings the ball back. Ball pops out of McKinnon's hands and Thielen catches it for what might be a touchdown? No, his knee's pretty clearly down. They call it a touchdown for the sole purpose of reviewing it, and they overturn it. Keenum scores on a keeper. Oh, it's Thanksgiving dinner. OK.
Theo Riddick may be the best running back for this offense but he doesn't play enough, and Amir Abdullah has been disappointing. They haven't had a 100-yard rusher in 62 games? Stafford tries an off-hand flick that falls incomplete.
This Thielen catch will be short. Vikings go for it and I'm not sure why, to be honest. False start. This time they punt. First down Lions! Marvin Jones Jr. doing work on this drive. Lions beat the blitz with a screen that would have been a touchdown if Riddick had caught it. Field goal is good. Defensive holding bails out the Vikings. Kai Forbath... not having the best day. Rudolph makes a move as the Lions defender misses the ball and he streaks downfield. Touchdown Rudolph on a great throw by Keenum. Not sure how this Golladay dude stayed inbounds. DPI put the ball at the Vikings' 12. As Buck just said, with 19 seconds, they can do whatever they want. Then the Vikings commit a face mask. Touchdown Lions. Call stands after review. Jason DeRulo at halftime. 20-10 Vikings. This isn't bad for what it is. Vikings wasting NO time. McKinnon with a big run and Murray finishes it off.
That's a good catch by Jones to convert 3rd and 10. You can really hear Stafford's audibles. Buck: "Can't wait to see what 'Travolta' gives us." How about a touchdown? Now they're reviewing it. This might get overturned. It was overturned and the Lions are stuck kicking a field goal. Stafford out here throwing blocks but it's all for naught as Trae Waynes pins Riddick. Did he block Harrison Smith? That was unintentional. That Lions running game thing? Now we learn that the Lions have only had NINE 100-yard rushing games in Stafford's starts. Fumble? Not a fumble. Vikings challenge for some reason. Still not a fumble. Stafford gets sacked. Field goal is good. Taunting on Keenum? Who just got sacked? The hell? You're right, Joe; I don't believe that happened. WOW. Crazy sequence: Jones with a great catch for a touchdown! Stafford down and grabbing his knee. The Vikings had 12 men on the field (including two on Jones) and couldn't stop that. Stafford got rolled up. Lions don't go for two and it's 27-23. Who's the Lions' backup? I don't even know. Michael Floyd's on the Vikings? That's a key stop by the Lions, forcing the Vikings to choose between a 55-yard field goal by a guy who's had two kicks blocked today and a punt. They punt. Diggs! Though I'm not sure why he went out of bounds when he could have scored and ended the game right there. The Gobbler's gone? Joe can barely hide his glee. Lions forced to go for it. Interception by Rhodes. Vikings just killing time now.
Rub-it-in field goal coming. Blocked but this will come back because dude was extremely offsides. That'll be that. (Vikings 30, Lions 23)

This is the Chargers' first Thanksgiving game since 1969. Let's carve up this leg of lamb and get at it. Tyron Smith back, so at least Dak may stay upright. Chargers threaten to strike first with that bomb to Benjamin. Field goal is no good and the Chargers have had problems with kickers all year. Get the ball! They lost 11 yards on that fumble (but at least they still have the ball.) Now it's 4th and 13 from the Cowboys' 16 and they're... going for it? Did they get this? NOPE. Chargers not showing a lot of confidence in their kicking game.


Meanwhile, the Cowboys can't sustain anything. Bolts ball again. Are they gonna kick it this time? They're at the 4. Here comes Novak. Kick is good. 3-0. 
Halftime. This being Dallas, we get one of these numerous country bros. Who is this? Seriously, aside from genre and the Cowboys cheerleaders, this is practically indistinguishable from the DeRulo performance in Detroit. I am told this is Thomas Rhett, and I suppose I'll have to accept it. I can't tell 90 percent of these dudes apart anyway. Lot of Melvin Gordon on this drive. Not that that's a bad thing. Touchdown Hunter Henry, who I believe is also a country musician. Extra point is NO GOOD. What is going on? Wait, Novak's hurt? Then why were they.... never mind. Dak in the shotgun. TACKLE HIM. Dak scores but it may come back. Yep, holding on Tyron Smith. This drive is now dead.


Holy hell that catch. 
This the punter kicking the PAT? Who is this Rod Smith and where did he come from? Does Alfred Morris not play anymore? Touchdown Cowboys. They go for two and fail. Meanwhile, the Chargers suddenly can't be stopped, but what else is new for the Cowboys defense. Keenan Allen just lit them up. No reason not to go for two after that.
Dak hits Williams deep. Bad snap but Dak recovers and manages to find Dez. INTERCEPTION! TOUCHDOWN. That's a 13-point swing and that's game. (Chargers 28, Cowboys 6)

Not much going on here, either. Oh, Zach Brown got a knee to the head or something. Not sure what that was. Darkwa coverts 4th and 1. Did the Giants lose their kicker, too? Oh, there he is. Jenkins got away with pass interference on that breakup in the end zone. These bootleg Giants receivers aren't fast or good, really. Collinsworth doesn't think JPP is "quite right". It's because he's washed, Cris. just drew a solid pass interference call. Cousins misses a receiver. Field goal is good. 3-3 at halftime. That's a SACK. 2nd and 27? Sweet. Crowder! Cousins rolls out, Crowder escapes, and hauls in a touchdown. Pick-six by Janoris Jenkins! It deflected off Byron Marshall's hands. Why is Eli making the Manning Face in the background?


Looks like Cousins got a foot caught in the bad FedEX Field turf. Morgan Moses is down for the R's. Jenkins is STILL down. TD stands.


Bad sack for the R's, as it knocks them out of potential field goal range. Was that JPP? Who mocked up that version of "O.P.P"? Eli with a bad low throw on what should have been a big play and now the Giants have to punt. Now the R's have a decision to make after being stopped. The punt team is out? Gruden pulls them back and brings the offense back out. Al theorizes that maybe they had a fake punt dialed up but didn't like the look. The play clock is running! It's at 4 and they're still in the huddle! Jesus Christ.
Doug Pederson might be the best coach in this division. Cris is upset that Fox got rid of the Gobbler. "It was modeled after me!" Crowder with a catch over the middle on third down. Cousins finds Doctson in the corner for the touchdown. Giants will go for it on 4th and 3 from their own 32 because they're 2-8. It ends in a sack and fumble. Washington kicks a field goal because they can.
(Redskins 20, Giants 10)

Signal Finder: CHI @ PHI, MIA @ NE (end), CAR @ NYJ (end), NO @ LAR, JAX @ ARZ (end)

Bears doing Bears things, which in this case means "committing special teams penalties that bury you at your own 5." That's not a good punt.
Ertz stopped short on 3rd and 10 and the Eagles may go for this. They do and Ajayi picks it up. Jeffery makes a sideline catch for another first down and he's mad because if he'd stayed inbounds, he scores.


Ertz cashes in immediately. That's a great route. Jake Elliott's healthy and adds the extra point. Burkhardt's a big fan of the Eagles' celebrations. Kickoff out of bounds? Interception by Jenkins, then he fumbles it and the Bears get it back. Jordan Howard gets stuffed on 3rd down. Blount with a big run but then HE fumbles and the Bears recover.


Refs pick up this illegal block in the back flag, and they probably should have. New Bears kicker Cairo Santos from 54. Not even close. That was worse than the one that they missed against the Lions last week that got Santos this job in the first place. Jeffery already with four catches against his old squad. Spin move by Wentz and he runs for a first down on 3rd and 9. Wentz overthrows Hollins but he was held. Touchdown Agholor on a screen. The Bears aren't good — Trubisky made a bad handoff in to the end zone and Howard just barely got out of there with it. Eagles got a piece of that punt. Damn that kick was high. Elliott field goal is good. 17-0. Blount jumping over people and dragging piles on the same run. Agholor comes up short on third down, and the Eagles may go for this again. Don't challenge spots, Doug. Call confirmed. Fourth down. Wentz appears to change the play ("Kill! Kill!"), sneaks it, and gets it.
I'm still kind of surprised Clement was undrafted. Figured he'd be a fifth or sixth-rounder, even with his injury troubles. They get Amukamura for another penalty. Touchdown Jeffery! BOWLING. 24-0 at halftime. The Bears have no first downs. NONE.
First down Bears! And Trubisky is subsequently sacked. Another first down! Curry just blew up some double-reverse foolishness. I did not know he wore No. 75 for the Marshall plane crash victims. Bears get a field goal. Eagles kind of sloppy this quarter. Torrey Smith takes a hard hit. Wentz audibles to a sneak again on 4th and 1 and gets it again. That's their third fourth-down conversion today. But this won't be a fourth.
That was almost picked off. Ryan Howard in the house. Ertz somehow left uncovered. The Wentz as Buddy Christ sign is a winner. Ajayi breaks ANOTHER big run, but fumbles... but Agholor recovers in the end zone for a touchdown! This is nuts. There are 12 minutes left. Now 10 after the Bears fail on fourth down. Foles in. And Ertz goes over 100 yards receiving, the first Eagle to do so this year. The other teams without one are the Browns and 49ers, so. Blount fumbles again. Is this a pick by Douglas? Does it matter to anyone but him? Call overturned.
Corey Graham (?) gets an interception off a tip. That should do it.
Now they're filming "A Chorus Line", apparently. Oh, it's the Electric Slide. I haven't seen that in years. (Eagles 31, Bears 3)

The Chiefs can't run the ball any more. Are both L.A. teams going to make the playoffs? The Chargers are one game back. (Bills 16, Chiefs 10)

Kuechly with the scoop and score! Panthers lead! Funchess tries to one-hand it and can't. Late flag? Roughing the passer. First down Panthers. "Lazaretto"? Nice, FOX DJ. (Panthers 35, Jets 27)

CBS started coverage at 4 here and is showing the end of Dolphins-Patriots for absolutely no good reason. (Patriots 35, Dolphins 17)

CROSSFLEX. Rams need more gold and less white in their uniforms. Just as important, if not more so, than Goff's improvement is Todd Gurley's resurrection. Touchdown Sammy Watkins! Michael Thomas tripped over nothing. Zuerlein's a beast. I questioned the hell out of the Saints drafting a running back but Alvin Kamara's really good. 74 yards! Gurley has moves. The Rams are making the Saints' defense look like it used to look. Kenny Vaccaro just stopped running. STOPPED. Touchdown Rams. Kamara broke about four or five tackles on that run. Watkins juggles it but brings it in for a big gain that gets the Rams into field goal range. That Cameron Jordan sack may have just taken them out. That guy's been killing it. The Saints took a time out here and I'm not quite sure why, especially when the Rams only had one left. Personnel, maybe? Zuerlein to try from 63. It's short. Ginn tries to return it but there's not enough room. 17-10 Rams at the half. Pink's! It'll be nice to have L.A. B-roll back. That's a long way to go for three points when you needed seven, Saints. Rams are making a statement here. Touchdown Kamara and that was entirely too easy. Onside kick alert. Aaaand no. (Rams 26, Saints 20)



This may be the pettiest beef in sports. (Raiders 21, Broncos 14)

Grey Cup! There's a damn blizzard in Ottawa. Isn't Ricky Ray like 44 years old? He just threw a 100-yard touchdown pass!


We just had a 109-yard fumble return for a touchdown. It's tied! High snap on this Toronto field goal attempt. GOOD. The Argonauts' kicker wears No. 70 and is named Hajrullahu. Calgary is driving. CALGARY IS DRIVING. INTERCEPTION IN THE END ZONE. I'm not sure I would have done that. Toronto wins! (Argonauts 27, Stampeders 24)

No Clay tonight, apparently. And Martavis Bryant is starting? Brown in right away. Steelers really milking the clock on these plays for some reason. Kevin King just saved a touchdown — it looked like Bryant tripped at first. Who is Xavier Grimble and why is he scoring touchdowns? Extra point is shanked. Packers offensive line looks different again. That's a bad penalty. Somehow Cobb was left alone and he scores. This extra point is good. Interception! TOUCHDOWN. Or not, as it looks like Randall was touched down. Hundley finds Jamal Williams on a screen, he gets a block, and runs untouched for a touchdown. This is how the Packers have to do this: turnovers and big plays.
Touchdown Bryant! Didn't think I'd ever say that again a month ago. Packers try an inside shovel to Cobb on 3rd and 2 that goes nowhere. They'll go into the locker room tied. TOUCHDOWN. PACKERS. I don't understand what's happening.


Another interception! This is how it happens. T.J. Watt, a linebacker, with a solid tackle on Nelson. Clutch sack forces a 57-yard field goal attempt which isn't even close. Crazy leaping catch by Brown. Pass interference? Ben drops one in to Brown's basket and we're tied. Bell fumbles and the Packers recover! This is nuts. Touchdown Steelers! House got caught up in Brown's route and Brown blew by him, and the safety help didn't come in time. Nelson stretches for a very important third-down conversion. Now it's fourth and 6 from the Steelers' 12 with just over three minutes left. Packers are going for it, as they should. Collinsworth predicts a blitz and he's right, and the Packers have to call time because there's no way that would have worked. Adams for the first down! Touchdown Williams!


Extra point ties it as Collinsworth wonders if McCarthy had considered going for two here. You've come to expect Brown to haul that one in, or one like it. Packers need this stop and they get it. Brown... catches this? Did he get both feet in? Yeah, he's kicking up dirt. Does he keep control? That's not overturnable, I think. I might have gone further down the field here (especially with two time outs), because now Boswell's left with a 53-yarder, which isn't a guarantee. IT'S GOOD! crosses off Packers (Steelers 31, Packers 28)



Yeah, that just feels like broadcast malpractice. (Ravens 23, Texans 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (10-1) — Now things get difficult
2. New England (9-2) — Cranking it up
3. Pittsburgh (9-2) — An exercise in self-reliance
4. Minnesota (9-3) — An oddly complete package

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-8) — Yes, it's as bad as it seems
30. San Francisco (1-10) — Well, that didn't last
31. N.Y. Giants (2-9) — This victory was a tactical error
32. Cleveland (0-11) — Why are we still doing this?

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Thursday, January 11, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Requiem For a Panther

A quasi-national prime-time audience against a team with a massive fan base — a lot of eyes are going to be on the Titans tonight for the first time in a long time. This is their chance to make a statement — and they are not making it. Oh. Ohhhh. Oh dear. (Steelers 40, Titans 17)

Signal Finder: WAS @ NO, KC @ NYG, NE vs OAK (@ MEX)

The pen is back out for the R's. Good play on the interception by Swearinger. Rose cashes in the turnover with a field goal. Reverse to Ginn gets absolutely blown up. Willie Snead's a IV. Hmm.
Perine with a big run off of a free play. Touchdown Thompson and Washington breaks the 3-3 tie. Look at SPEED 2 making a catch in traffic. Touchdown Ingram. I don't remember the Saints running the ball this well when they were Super Bowl contenders. Fourth and 6 from the Saints' 39 and Cousins hits Vernon Davis to get into the red zone. That was a really good throw. Touchdown! Cousins slides and gets absolutely creamed, drawing appropriate flags. That's a bad interception by Cousins, as Crowder wasn't open. He may have dropped it, but that's a bad throw regardless. Then a false start penalty on the field goal attempt makes it a 57-yard attempt instead of 52. Gruden is PISSED. Now they're punting. And then this dude stands on the end line to cover the punt, resulting in a touchback. Back-to-back big plays to Ginn and Michael Thomas, with a great block by Alvin Kamara on the first one. Ginn is tackled short of the first down and the Saints have to spike the ball. Field goal is good and it's 17-13 Redskins. This is an ugly collision. The cart's out for Chris Thompson, and that might be it for the Redskins' season even if they hang on today. HOLY HELL. Cousins got sandwiched and still fired off a touchdown pass to a completely open Ryan Grant, who literally walked into the end zone. Saints pass up a 4th and 3 from their own 35 down 11.
Touchdown Jeremy Sprinkle and that feels like it's it. Not sure I get the Saints running here, either, especially with so little time left. Touchdown Hill. Extra point MISSED. Perine's been good today. But not there. STUFFED. Saints will get the ball back. Interception! But that was a face mask right before it, so it won't count. Thomas and Ginn both wide open and both make big catches. Kamara! Juggles it and hauls it in for a touchdown! Saints going for two. Kamara again! We're tied! Now the R's are driving. Soft coverage leaves Crowder wide open and he works his way into field goal range. What the actual fuck, Cousins? Not the best time for intentional grounding. Then cousins gets creamed and we're going to overtime. Saints are suddenly teeing off on Cousins. Ingram running wild. Saints decide against it and bring out the field goal unit. It's GOOD! crosses off Redskins (Saints 34, Redskins 31, OT)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: No Eli Apple today for the Giants, so they're out of cornerbacks as well as wide receivers. The Giants shouldn't punt for the rest of the year. FAKE!!! FIRST DOWN.
Oh, Giants. Some things never change.


Run, Eli. RUN. He gets the spot on that slide. Did he catch that? No, but that's pass interference. Touchdown Darkwa. And OF COURSE they miss the extra point, because they're the 2017 Giants. East Rutherford wind update, courtesy of Evan Washburn. Travis Kelce bails the Chiefs out of a bad Eric Fisher holding call. Field goal is good but that could have been a touchdown. Lincoln Tunnel B-roll? That's new. The Giants got the ball back inside of two minutes and punted less than a minute later. The Chiefs can't do anything with it, and it's 6-3 Giants at the half. Chiefs keep blowing chances. Field goal is good and it's 6-6, but this is not an "Andy Reid after a bye" team. That's a catch. Wayne Gallman getting lots of run in this game. A penalty puts the Giants in 3rd and 33, and the Giants aren't as successful when they have to convert it. Travis Kelce throwing a deep pass? Andy's getting desperate. Interception, and how is that unnecessary roughness?


Now Alex Smith throws an interception on a ball that ended up in no man's land. The Giants are in field goal range. Eli somehow didn't get sacked. Field goal is good. Bad spot by the refs? They can't count? Kelce! Then the refs pick up an OPI flag. Smith scrambles and then goes airborne (!) to get six yards on 3rd and 5. Bad decision by Smith to run on second down — now they have to kick. It's good and this farce will continue. Smith out here throwing check downs to backup running backs on 3rd and 10. This game's gonna end in a tie, isn't it? Giants get the ball back and are taking their time. Then Engram drops a third-down pass. They go for it on 4th and 6. Did he even catch that? WOW HE CAUGHT IT. Eli takes a knee and they send the kicker out. It's GOOD. Giants win a game they really couldn't afford to. (Giants 12, Chiefs 9, OT)

Nathan Peterman: A Life In Eight Tweets:





















By the way, Bills: Week 11 really isn't the time to decide you're gonna tank. (Chargers 54, Bills 24)

MEXICO CITYYYYY! The Patriots really do run a 4-2-5. Nantz and Romo reminding us that we are at altitude. Patriots recover their own fumble. Dion Lewis put a MOVE on some poor Raider and scores. Brady 9-for-9 on that drive. Raiders have dropped way too many passes this year, and that one managed to lead to an interception. Later, Crabtree does a good job of concentrating and bringing that one in for some yards. Cooper runs a route that isn't long enough, then he pushes off and gets flagged for it. Romo's not so sure about it after seeing it again. Cooks! He gets one of those a game, it seems. Touchdown Amendola. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Roberts let that get punched out of his hands and the Pats have it.


Lewis carried two Raiders about 10 yards and he's not a large man, relatively speaking. Gronk! Gostkowski, who's slipped a bit, will try from 62. We're 7200 feet up, remember. It's GOOD! 17-0 Patriots at the half. Apparently it's a long walk up to the locker rooms, according to Tracy Wolfson. COOKS. 64 yards off the top. Touchdown. Raiders can't get anything going. Now Lewis is out here with one shoe off. OK, 16 on the Raiders just took a swing at a Patriots defender after an incomplete pass. Del Rio challenging this Patterson play. It looks like a catch. Might as well go for it. Touchdown Raiders and at least they won't get shut out. (Patriots 33, Raiders 8)

Someone tackle that dude. First we've heard from Torrey Smith in a few weeks. Did... did these refs just flip a penalty? Barner with a fancy catch on the sideline. That's great foot control. Touchdown Barner (!) on the next play. Call stands. Second weird kickoff by Elliott tonight. Big run by Alfred Morris as Al reminds us that he was the man in Washington once upon a time. Prescott fools everyone on a keeper. Ronald Darby back, with two big plays against Bryant — a shoestring tackle and a pass breakup in the end zone on third down that forces a second Nugent field goal. Good Lord, that Theismann/LT spot for Redskins-Giants. McLeod gets an interception off a tipped pass. Barnett got to Dak unimpeded and Williams couldn't hold on. Cowboys hold and Elliott misses! Both offenses have stopped working. Barnett's been getting all kind of pressure tonight. Like there, on that Darby interception. Lot of drops by both teams tonight.


This seems like the best game Bryant's had in a while. Eagles hold and the Cowboys kick a field goal to go up 9-7. Jake Elliott's being evaluated for a head injury, we are told. Michele Tafoya saying that Elliott's out and that the Eagles won't bother kicking extra points the rest of the night. Wentz throws up a floater to Celek, who is uncovered. Then he finds Jeffrey on third down and the Eagles are in "field goal" range. Clement scores when they pull Brandon Brooks, who helps open a big hole. Going for two and they stack the right side of the formation, flip a screen to Clement, and he converts. Kamu Grugier-Hill is going to kick off, and that was actually pretty good. Decent return because Grugier-Hill would be on that coverage unit. You can't throw a pass that high for 5-10 Cole Beasley. Ajayi. AJAYI! I'm also really impressed with Byron Jones's speed there to run him down. Touchdown Smith, who may have broken the plane the first time before getting turned around. Defensive holding is declined. Then Wentz runs away from two Cowboys and finds Jeffrey for the two-point conversion. Talk on Jerry Jones's sudden vendetta against Roger Goodell. I don't know who you root for there and I'll leave it at that.




The Cowboys have had a few of those big runs tonight, but they haven't amounted to much. They can't get any of their receivers downfield. Ertz, finally. More elusiveness from Wentz and a good catch by Jeffrey to convert that third down. Blount with a big run. That's terrible tackling on that Agholor touchdown. Oh, that isn't a touchdown — his knee's down. (It's still terrible tackling.) So they're going for it on 4th and 5. Jeffrey with a diving catch! Is he in? It's a first down at least. They gave him the touchdown? OK. Conversion is no good (Ertz got stripped of the ball) and it's still 29-9. Barnett with pressure AGAIN, and this time Dak fumbles, and Bradham scoops it up and scores.


Eagles 3 for 4 on two-pointers tonight. There's still eight minutes left.


Who the hell is Cooper Rush? Sounds like one half of an NXT jobber tag team.


(Eagles 37, Cowboys 9)

Monday Night in Seattle? EXPECT SHENANIGANS. Not sure I've seen a kicker get piefaced on a kickoff before. It's definitely been a minute. Kickoff coverage has been... suboptimal so far. Heck of a tackle by Russ after that interception. Falcons making all the tough catches on this drive. It took four years but the Seahawks have finally figured out how to use Jimmy Graham in their offense. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Yeah, that's a fumble. SPECIAL TEAMS SHENANIGANS. FAKE FIELD GOAL. DENIED! OK, that Bladwin touchdown was too easy. He caught it and rolled right up into a kneel. NO. NOOOOO. BLAIR WALSH NOOOOO.


(I mean, I don't know about this, but I certainly wouldn't have kept throwing in the middle of the field with no time outs.) That has to be it for him, right? (Falcons 34, Seahawks 31)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (9-1) — Hook that to my veins
2. New England (8-2) — Well, that was easy enough
3. Pittsburgh (8-2) — Shutting the whole thing down
4. New Orleans (8-2) — A near-miss

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-7) — Usually it's the Lions who lose games that way
30. San Francisco (1-9) — That two-week Bay Area celebration is going to be INTENSE
31. N.Y. Giants (2-8) — This victory was a tactical error
32. Cleveland (0-10) — Once you get to 10, you have to start talking about the possibility
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Saturday, January 6, 2018

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Amateur Tip

So the leading rusher in this game was Adrian Peterson. That's... to be expected, given the parties involved. He only had 29 yards. That should be concerning to all parties involved. (Seahawks 22, Cardinals 16)

 Signal Finder: MIN @ WSH, PIT @ IND, LAC @ JAX (end),  CIN @ TEN (end), DAL @ ATL

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Great play on the interception by the Colts there, and it looks like Martavis Bryant got owned yet again. Not a great throw but he never saw it. Is that Joe Haden walking off? Nobody near Moncrief and he walks into the end zone. Touchdown Colts. Whoa, Speedway B-roll? I feel like that's not as common as it should be. Steelers not doing much offensively. Field goal is good. 10-3 Colts at the half.


The Steelers' secondary hasn't been the greatest. Safety goes the other way and it's touchdown Colts. Steelers pushing back. Touchdown Juju after a sick play fake. Extra point BLOCKED! He could go! One man to beat... and he doesn't beat him. 


Brissett pass goes through Doyle's hands and Shazier, who's tied up with Doyle, somehow intercepts it. Ben with enough time to eat a Primanti's before finding McDonald for the touchdown. Steelers go for two and Bryant(!) converts. Boswell MISSES. Steelers get it back and start making moves. I'm surprised they let Bryant come back, honestly. Brown! Boswell in position again... and it's good. (Steelers 20, Colts 17)



That's the Austin Seferian-Jenkins play again. The Bears can't do anything right. (Packers 23, Bears 16)

Bridgewater active! Also Washington's got the left side of its line back. Someone forgot to cover Ryan Grant on the crossing route. This is probably a touchdown. It's DEFINITELY a catch. Who is this dude? Oh, practice squad. Overturned and give them the points. Diggs beats Josh Norman pretty badly for a huge gain. Latavius Murray with the touchdown. Both 99 and 22 (Harrison Smith) on the Vikings have different-looking identical numerals on their jerseys. Cousins may have been hit late. Ah, helmet-to-helmet contact. Washington's going for it on 4th and 2 from the Vikings 35. Complete to Chris Thompson, and he scores easily on a better throw. Fumble? Fumble! And Kelley's hurt either way. Nah, his knee's down. Good hold by the Vikings defense and the field goal is good. #DeceptiveSpeed from Adam Thielen? Touchdown Diggs. Washington just shuffled four O-linemen in and out on three plays. Middle of the field EMPTY for Crowder. Vikings challenging the spot. They'll lose. Don't take me seriously. Washington going for it again. They're at the 4?? They get it as Samaje Perine goes to the 1. Cousins sneak. Touchdown about a minute later. Did he bobble the snap? Jesus, that was ugly. They seemingly refuse to cover Thielen, and then he makes Norman look foolish and snatches that pass for a touchdown. Then Cousins throws a not-good interception. Yep, too high. Aaand touchdown Vikings. Cousins takes a knee and it's 28-17 Vikings at halftime. Thielen AGAIN! I thought Josh Norman was good. Case Keenum is ON FIRE. Touchdown Vikings! Big play to Crowder, who follows it up with two red-zone drops. And Davis notes that that's the second time Sendejo's knocked the ball out of a WR's hands in the end zone. The Vikings look... legitimately scary. And I never thought I'd say that about a Case Keenum-quarterbacked team. Then he does that.


In no man's land again. 4th and 6 and Cousins' pass gets tipped. Another interception by Keenum! Did I jinx him? Cousins keeper is ruled a touchdown. Is it? Yeah, he's over before the ball falls out.
Vikings with a decision now. 4th and 12 from the Washington 40. Field goal time. Forbath good from 53 and it's 38-27. Now it's 4th and 1 from the Vikings' 33. The R's have ended up here a LOT today. Thompson LOSES five yards! Cousins can't take that sack. 4th and 25. Good Lord. They still have to try the field goal, but now it's a 56-yarder. It's GOOD? Oh. Onside kick fails. (Vikings 35, Redskins 30)

Saints literally running all over the Bills. Why'd they trade Marcell Dareus again? (Saints 47, Bills 10)

Wait, didn't the Jaguars take the lead? Bortles throwing into coverage. Did Hurns get hurt there? He's crawling quickly to the sideline. THEY GET BOSA FOR ROUGHING. Bortles smartly doesn't get sacked twice and the Jaguars have a chance to tie. New long snapper alert. Kick is still good. We're tied. Who does Bortles throw to these days with no Allen Robinson, no Allen Hurns, and apparently also no Marquise Lee? At least Philip Rivers has Keenan Allen. EXCEPT FOR THAT TIME.


Is this gonna end on a pick-six? Oh, no. OK. Even so. (Jaguars 20, Chargers 17, OT)

So finally, no Ezekiel Elliott. Also, no Tyron Smith today. Dez getting heated up early, and that's bad if you're a Falcons fan. Prescott sacked. Buck with the preemptive warning as we see that Dez was... look, in hockey, that's two minutes for boarding. Ryan throws an interception, which he's been doing a lot of lately. Xavier Woods? What? Freeman walking off, and that's bad if you're a Falcons fan. Play-action read-option and Prescott takes it himself. Well-designed. Ryan hitting his targets on this drive. Hooper makes a move to get a first down. Comes up short on the next one and Bryant kicks a field goal. Sean Lee's hurt again? Christ. Nice catch by Butler. Cowboys run a fake punt? OPI on the receiver. Alford MAY have sold that a little bit. That's a perfectly executed punt. No, really. Cowboys cover man was in great position and downed it right at the 2. Brief mention of Jerry Jones' dispute with Goodell's contract and Arthur Blank.


Prescott sacked again. Falcons back on the move.
Now in the red zone, where they could really use Freeman. That's too far for a dive, and Coleman does come up short. He doesn't that time, though, and it's 10-7 Falcons. Prescott doesn't get sacked and runs for a first down. Another run by Dak, who looked tired after that one. Completions to Beasley and Witten keep things going. ANOTHER sack and this time Prescott fumbles and the Falcons come up with it to go to halftime. Julio! Touchdown Falcons as Ryan was perfect on that drive. Cowboys come back with some big Morris runs. Field goal is NOT good. Hooper... does not score. This time he does. That was the same play, wasn't it? "Well, we got 18 yards last time. We can get two THIS time." There's another sack for Adrian Clayborn. Falcons are just running over the Cowboys now. SIX sacks for Clayborn. Buck is straight clowning Aikman at this point. (Falcons 27, Cowboys 7)



That Garrett Celek touchdown... oy. It's not like he's, y'know, fast.
(49ers 31, Giants 21)

Lot of glitches in this anthem performance. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL.


And the Pats score immediately on a slant to Rex Burkhead. Osweiler finds Sanders (who IS playing) for a much-needed big gain. Field goal is good. JESUS. Broncos special teams. Dude PUSHED Lewis to a touchdown. That's Devante Booker, who's the backup running back — not used to tackling people. Sanders single handedly keeping the Broncos' offense running. Another field goal. And there's Gronk. Third and goal from the 1 1/2 and you go shotgun? You deserve to get sacked. Then this happened:


And now a BLOCKED PUNT. My God. Patriots challenging this Gronkowski catch. I'm not sure I can overturn this. So that cost Belichick two time outs. Field goal is good. Sanders AGAIN. Does Thomas even play any more? Touchdown Dwayne Allen, against Von Miller, and that's... that was his FIRST catch of the season? I thought he already had one. Christ, the Colts really have robbed the Pats twice in trades. 27-9 at halftime and the Broncos just look bad.


Demaryius Thomas lives! Anderson didn't get in. And it's offensive holding anyway. Touchdown Thomas! Penalty's on the Patriots so it'll stand. Pats busy answering. What's wrong with this defense? Lewis goes right through a big hole for a touchdown. Thomas almost made a great catch over Gilmore. Wait, why did they punt there? Harris gets away with interference on Cooks. Collinsworth: "Great cornerbacks are like great magicians."
Touchdown James White. Collinsworth talking about how Osweiler told him that he felt like his fundamentals got better during his brief stop in Cleveland and he immediately gets intercepted. Pats playing in Mexico City next week, so they're staying here to practice in altitude. Brian Hoyer in. Hard to say what exactly is wrong with the Broncos. It's more than one thing. In their last four games, they've given up 51 and 41 AND been shut out. They've blown it at quarterback, obviously, but the defense has been awful the last two weeks. Thomas, who's ostensibly their No. 1 receiver, hasn't been part of the offense for about 14 games going back to last season.
Small "Brady" chant breaking out. "And it's on to Mexico." (Patriots 41, Broncos 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (8-1) — Rest in the nest
2. New England (7-2) — Not quite like clockwork, but effective nonetheless
3. Pittsburgh (7-2) — Seriously, that was way too close
4. New Orleans (7-2) — Have never run the ball like this

 BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-6) — Already playing out the string, it seems
30. San Francisco (1-9) — The first of... some?
31. N.Y. Giants (1-8) — This isn't going to get any better, is it?
32. Cleveland (0-9) — Where's the foundation?

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Thursday, December 28, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Standing Eight-Count

Loath as I am to agree with Richie Incognito on anything, these Thursday Night games are often bad and players have less recovery time, resulting in them maybe being too careful, opening themselves up to more possible injuries. What kind of ratings are these trash fires pulling, anyway? (Jets 34, Bills 21)

Signal Finder: DEN@ PHI, WSH @ SEA, KC @ DAL



Aqib Talib's a very good player. He got straight up fooled on that Jeffrey touchdown. Celek with a catch! That doesn't happen much anymore. (Also, no Ertz after all.) Elliott's kick is good. 10-3. Interception! Patrick Robinson's been really good since around Week 4.
Touchdown Clement! He chipped Von Miller and left, which is risky, but it worked. Also, good block by someone to spring him at about the 9 or so.
Good job, Brock. Right into triple coverage. You're lucky you've still got the ball. Ajayi in the house. Whoa. Broncos punt return. Is this a catch? I'd have challenged that. McManus barely makes it. He's had a tough year. After a drop, Jeffrey reaches up through a hold and hauls in a third-down pass. What is THIS mess now? Grounding? Maybe? So there's a delay of game, too. Oh, it IS Roughing the Passer. Burton! Did he break the plane? Pretty sure he did. Touchdown! Good throw by Osweiler and catch by Sanders. Solid hold by the Eagles' defense.


Welcome to Philly, Jay. Though he probably didn't need to change his angle. Call stands. Touchdown. 31-9.
You know what name I haven't heard the announcers say all game? Von Miller. Wait, how'd they get the ball back so fast? Are they gonna score again? No. 31-9 Eagles at halftime. My goodness. 
OPTIONS. Another pick from Osweiler. That was a punt. My God. McLeod with a casual 45-yard stroll of a return. Touchdown Jeffrey. 44-3. What.


And to this point: This is Joseph's first year. NONE of these guys are his guy. Bradham with a sack. Thomas picks up a 4th and 7 to force first and goal. Jamaal Charles gets nothing. That touchdown by Thomas breaks a 13-game personal drought for him (!). Foles in at QB. He'd be the Broncos' best guy. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. 44-23 now. Bomb to Agholor, who the refs rule outfought Chris Harris for it. Broncos challenge for no real reason. Three touchdowns for Corey Clement. "Fiftyburger?"
Smallwood's fist carry comes with less than three minutes left and goes for 28 yards. He may not have been active if Ertz was available. Why are you calling time out, Broncos? Haven't you suffered enough? (Eagles 51, Broncos 23)

Are... are the Saints good again?


This, too. (Saints 30, Buccaneers 3)

With DRC and now Jenkins suspended, the Giants have no cornerbacks, either.


And it was a SCREEN PASS. The Giants are Actually Bad.
I said when they let Coughlin go two years ago that that was the time to clean house. It looks like I was right. (Rams 51, Giants 17)



No idea how Ramsey gets tossed, too. None whatsoever. (Jaguars 23, Bengals 7)

No Earl Thomas for the Seahawks. Rob Kelley returning the kickoff? Three Seahawks had a chance at that. Is that snow? Or just big raindrops? Partial block on the punt? Yep. Wilson drops the snap. Duane Brown already starting for the Seahawks. Wow it's loud. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. That's a bad job by Perine and the Seahawks recover the fumble. That's Washington's 10th this season. Dude's name is Nasir Jones? SAFETY. Blair Walsh sucks, man.


Seahawks defense flying around like it's possessed. Wilson makes a risky throw and it's intercepted by Kendall Fuller, who I'm not sure thought he had it at first. Ball never hits the ground. He should be down by contact, though. Vernon Davis has been in the league 12 years? Touchdown Kelley. Wilson's made some not-great throwing decisions this half. But some quick work there to spike the ball for a field goal try. Blair. Walsh. Again.

7-2 Nationals after five. Cousins with a dart to Ryan Grant, who extends nicely to haul it in. I'll point out now, even though it was brought up earlier, that Washington's entire left side of its offensive line is gone. THIS field goal is good. 10-2. This flag miiight get picked up. And it does — refs rule the hit on Wilson was inbounds. Washington also getting inside pressure on Wilson as this montage shows. Interception! And that was also caused by pressure on Wilson, who lobbed that right to Will Compton.
Another bad throw by Wilson. I agree with Davis: The Seahawks need to stop going for the big play. On cue, they throw short and get a first down. Touchdown. Seahawks go for two and it's intercepted. He COULD go. Swearinger laterals to Norman, who ends up lateraling back to him and this will end at the 25. 


Touchdown Baldwin! Are the Seahawks about to win this shitty game? Graham drops the two-point conversion. Replay shows Baldwin juked Josh Norman and then nobody else bothered to turn around. Freeney's a Seahawk now? THAT DOCTSON CATCH THOUGH. Looking at this as many times as we have, he's down at the 1. And the Seahawks are down two defensive tackles (Sheldon Richardson didn't even play today). Touchdown Kelley!
They called Wilson down there? Oh. So it wasn't an incompletion. Washington calls time out — to make sure they've got their guys ready, as Davis just said.
Here's how bad the Seahawks O-line still is: Wilson almost got sacked by a one-man rush. Hail Mary! NO. That was close. I'll tell you something for free, Skins fans: The pen was out. (Redskins 17, Seahawks 14)

That's a funky shot of the sun coming into Jerryworld. As if on cue, we get Brice Butler dropping a pass because he closed his hands early and didn't see it. Cowboys hit two big passes in a row and are inside the Chiefs' 10. Prescott then throws the next one away into the Rangers' stadium. THEN he almost gets tripped from behind and still walks into the end zone. That's a late hit. Romo thinks the Chiefs should sit on this, and I suspect after an amazing delay of game penalty, they just might. HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?!?! TOUCHDOWN CHIEFS. Fucking Scandrick gets toasted again. Hill ran right by him on what looked like a downfield screen.


Romo can't even right now. Damn, Tracy. How you gonna interview Garrett right after that? 14-10 Cowboys at the break. There's Kareem Hunt. Chiefs finish off the drive with a touchdown to Kelce.
Byron Jones having a rough last 20 minutes in real time. Was... was that a sack race? Touchdown Elliott after a solid drive. That's the first interception Alex Smith's thrown this year. The Chiefs may not get the ball back. (Cowboys 28, Chiefs 17)




Cutler back. Contain your excitement. Also, I had no idea this was the Sunday night game until, like, yesterday. Jared Cook already with two crucial catches. Dolphins go on offense and the announcers immediately reference Ajayi's departure. Al name-checks Burkhardt! Cena's theme used in a Camry commercial. Dolphins driving. Collinsworth noting that their center and tackles are far better in pass protection. Nice move and dive from Damian Williams for the touchdown. ONSIDE KICK! That's the call of a desperate man. I like it.
FUMBLE. Back to back flags. Maybe you weren't meant to get that promo off. The Raiders turned 1st and 25 into a first down. Touchdown! That's a great adjustment by Holton to go after that pass. It's never comfortable when Al and Cris especially talk about the peripheral stuff. Parkey field goal makes it 10-9. Raiders trying to make a late run here. This'll be from 53. Good. Wait, Julius Thomas is a Dolphin? Did I miss that or just forget it? Lynch! That wasn't Beast Mode but it's still a touchdown.


Drake with a big run. (Not THAT Drake.) Touchdown Landry and he does a little Michael Jackson afterwards. Carr fumbles, then an offensive lineman picks it up and HE fumbles, and it's Dolphins ball. Suh is being helped off. Big Williams run gets negated by a penalty. Drive stalls and Suh is back out with the Dolphins' defense. Cooper having a rough year with drops. Yeah, that hit the ground. 
The only thing Mack didn't get there was the actual sack. Weird schedule for the Dolphins: Pats twice in three weeks, then the Bills twice in the next three. Carr finds an open Roberts for 29 yards and they pick up another third down, and that's big with under 5 minutes left. (Also, usually it's the Raiders who would commit a 15-yard penalty on top of a big play like that.) Lynch slips through a hole for a touchdown and that should do it. Dolphins facing 4th and 9 with 3:06 left and they have to go for it. They get it, but a penalty wipes it out and they don't get it the second time. Super Bowl XXIII here was Collinsworth's last game? Huh. Also Elway won one here, as did Peyton. Interception? Interception! They're reviewing this Parker play. That's a catch, and a hell of one. Review says it's a catch. Touchdown Thomas! Gase isn't happy about having to call this time out, but you gotta get this right. Kenyon Drake bulls his way in for two. It's a three-point game! Onside kick time.


Collinsworth notes that the Raiders have already seen one, and is wondering what the Dolphins have cooked here. Time out Raiders AFTER figuring out what the Dolphins were doing. This one... won't work. (Raiders 27, Dolphins 24)

Let's just say this: If the Lions can't win in Lambeau tonight, it'll never happen again. Oh, they did it two years ago? What? Oh man. I take it back. Still, though. (Lions 30, Packers 17)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (8-1) — I still can't believe that happened
2. New England (6-2) — Same as it ever was...
3. Pittsburgh (6-2) — Where'd THEY come from?
4. New Orleans (6-2) — Seriously, are they?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Tampa Bay (2-6) — This isn't fun
30. N.Y. Giants (1-7) — An utter embarrassment
31. Cleveland (0-8) — Can't lose if you don't play
32. San Francisco (0-9) — WE WANT JIMMY


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Saturday, December 16, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Chaos Engines




Oh, Kiko. All of your worst plays are so soul-crushing. And when the Baltimore Ravens are accusing you of throwing a cheap shot... you threw a cheap shot. (Ravens 40, Dolphins 0)

Signal Finder: SF @ PHI, HOU @ SEA, CHI @ NO (end), DAL @ WSH

Big V at left tackle for Peters, while Johnson stays on the right side. The 49ers learned: Keep coming after Wentz. Elvis Dumervil lives?


Wentz is pressured and overthrows Jeffrey and the Eagles are forced to settle for three. Kick is good. 


Not the greatest punt. Eagles defense holds as it has all game. Why is Bedlam so early this year? 49ers have pinned the Eagles deep with punts twice now. Both defenses playing well. LIKE SO. Robinson with the hit to deflect the ball and McLeod picks it. The Roots with the Late Night With Jimmy Fallon theme song into break. Meanwhile, the 49ers are on their third right tackle. I'm pretty sure Charles Davis hasn't watched a second of "The Gifted." Something just went wrong in the truck for six seconds. Hollins 8 for 8 on targets this season? Sweet. Big pass interference call on 3rd and 15 sets up the Eagles at the 1. Is someone carrying their shoe? (It was Wisniewski.) Touchdown Ertz and Trout gets the ball.
Extra point is NO good. Not a great hold. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Beathard throws it right to Mills, who cuts across the field and eventually scores. Joe Staley down for the Niners. Eagles go for two and a wide-open Jeffrey cashes in.
Bradham may have gotten away with a late hit on Garcon, who crashed into some Eagles coaches or something. 
The Eagles' pass protection has been lacking today without Peters. Elliott good from 51. Raining harder now. Shovel pass gets the 49ers into the end zone. Big run by Clement. Then Jeffrey makes a strong catch on the sideline and powers through for the touchdown. THAT was quick. Reminded me of the Chip Kelly salad days. Niners driving. Cox dropped a pick after Hyde dropped the pass. Field goal is BLOCKED! Barnett playing big lately — two sacks last week and then that. So many rollouts. A better throw there and Ertz is still running. Blount does what Blount does — bulls his way for yards. Touchdown Blount. Another missed PAT.


That... may be a face mask? Beathard just throwing balls away now. Is it still a sad field goal if you have points already? Nick Foles sighting! (Eagles 33, 49ers 10)

And we arrive at this mistake-laden exhibition with Trubisky throwing a rookie-esque pick. On second look, that's on the receiver. And now there's a dustup. The Saints have won five in a row. And they've done it with defense, of all things. (Saints 20, Bears 12)



Fuller just blew up the Seahawks. Touchdown. He has nine catches and SIX touchdowns. Thomas bit on the play action and very few men in this league are recovering in time to run Fuller down. 
EARL'S REVENGE! 7-7 just like that.


Touchdown Miller.
Wilson scrambled and finds Richardson in the end zone. Watson with a nice scramble. Hopkins is straight-up beasting today. Touchdown Texans. That's a ridiculous concentration by McEvoy to catch that with a guy chasing him, a guy closing in on him, and a teammate way too close to him. Touchdown Richardson, and yet I believe a high-scoring game favors the Texans. Good traffic direction and patience by Watson gets him the first down on that run. Intercepted by Sherman. Clowney's having a GAME. I can't keep up. This is nuts. Thank God the Seahawks are slowing things down with chip-shot field goals that even Blair Walsh can't botch. Touchdown Miller!


Hopkins AGAIN. These two defenses have given up way too many big plays. Wait, did the Richardson touchdown not count? JIMMY GRAHAM LIVES. 


I need oxygen. (Seahawks 41, Texans 38)

Elliott coughs one up. Redskins in their bad burgundy uniforms with the copper numerals. Aikman suspects they'd be going for it with a healthy offensive line, which they don't have. Field goal is good. At no point did Terrence Williams consider turning upfield. Elliott walks into the end zone. He could have gone in backwards for all the resistance he faced. Crowder! Kelley denied the first time but not the second. Cowboys going for it on 4th and a long 1 near midfield, and you should if you've got that dude running the ball. Dez screen for a first down gets wiped out by a flag on Witten. This dude ain't Dan Bailey, that's for damn sure. Kerrigan on the sideline bike? Ah, a groin injury. We have two replacement kickers in this game, I'm realizing. 13-7 Washington. CLUTCH hold by Tress Way.


BLOCKED FIELD GOAL. Scandrick? Another touchdown for Elliott. 
Cousins coughs it up. Was that punched out from behind? Anyway it's Cowboys ball. "This dude" is Mike Nugent? I missed that the first time. And it looks like he's going to do the rest of the scoring in this game. Like, all of it.


And then he throws a pick-6. Nice work, everyone involved. (Cowboys 33, Redskins 19)

Dodgers 3, Steelers 3, Lions 3. That's a nice interception by Glover Quin, who's very good and not a lot of people know it. Well that went nowhere. Abdullah with a Barry Sanders-esque move.
Big-time catch by Marvin Jones Jr. And after a Lions field goal, Brown comes up with another great catch at the other end of the field. Touchdown Bell. Darius Slay almost made a spectacular interception. Like, it would have been better than Quin's. Brown then converts 3rd and 12 on the next play. Bell FUMBLES and the Steelers won't get points here. This is... a catch? Yeah, it's a catch. That's a good throw by Stafford down the sideline and now the Lions have a chance to go ahead here before halftime. That was a chance but the safety made a great play to break it up. Field goal is good and the Lions lead 12-10 at halftime. Rough hit on Road Dogg by Diggs, who gets flagged for it. Then a Brown touchdown gets called back. Then Diggs lights Brown UP on a third down. Steelers kick a field goal anyway to go ahead. Stafford gets away from T.J. Watt and runs for a first down. Lions go for it on 4th and goal from the 2... and get nothing as no one is open and Stafford gets taken down. Barry Sanders in the booth. Smith-Schuster finds a seam. He might go. HE'S GOING. 97 YARDS.


Kid's not even 21 yet. Lions come back with a good drive that stalls inside the Steelers' 5. Gun-shy, Caldwell sends out the field goal unit. Kick is good.
Tate fumbles and the Steelers recover. Someone lost track of Eric Ebron and he was wide open for big yardage. Oh, that's why they didn't run the ball earlier. Because it didn't work. Now they have to go for it, right? Fourth and 7, Stafford is pressured and throws incomplete. First down Steelers and this one's over. Somebody just got thrown out. (Steelers 20, Lions 15)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (7-1) — Well, we've already cleared the expectations bar
2. Kansas City (6-2) — Return to form
3. New England (6-2) — Same as it ever was...
4. Pittsburgh (6-2) — Where'd THEY come from?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Indianapolis (2-6) — Gut-wrenching
30. N.Y. Giants (1-6) — Can't lose if you don't play
31. Cleveland (0-8) — What are we doing any more?
32. San Francisco (0-8) — It's bad in person. But maybe not AS bad?

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Thursday, December 7, 2017

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: The Low Road

This is the game that never ends... Oh, wait. You'd expect the Raiders to be the team to lose a game after committing two penalties on the final play. It's an insane world. (Raiders 31, Chiefs 30)

Signal Finder: CAR @ CHI, TEN@ CLE (end), DAL @ SF, CIN@ PIT



NOT ANYMORE. Johnny Bellefield: "When Cutler went down y'all celebrated like it was the end of Episode 6." Well, yes. (Dolphins 31, Jets 28)

Oh, they're in London. Because when I saw a Rams home game with a 1 p.m. start, I was like "There is no way in hell they're doing a 10 a.m. kickoff in L.A." (Because the Chargers are also home.)


Yeah... we may have seen the end of Carson Palmer. (Rams 33, Cardinals 0)

So much crossflexing. So. Much. The Kalil brothers! Carolina has a fullback? How do you just give Cam that much open field? Fumble on the pitch? Dude just dropped it. WOW! Touchdown Bears! Hey, the Bears offense is on the field finally. Who are their wide receivers these days? Oh, Kendall Wright? OK. That didn't go well. Third sack for the Bears already as the announcers talk about how the Panthers haven't run the ball well. Field goal is... not good. Replay shows it was slightly tipped. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Is that the same guy? It is! His name's Eddie Jackson. He just juked Cam and that's his second 75-yard touchdown in this game. They made it 76? Oh, OK. Also, Prince Amukamara is here, too. That third-down pass is off and the Panthers have to settle for a field goal. Trubisky DEEP to Cohen! First and goal. Jordan Howard bulldozing his way... to the 1. What's with the elevated goal line angle? That's not gonna show you anything. Yeah, he's short. Then he gets stuffed on 2nd down. Trubisky rolls out on 3rd and... makes it? I thought he dove too soon. AND HE DID. This shouldn't count and won't. No way Fox calls a fake here. Field goal is good.


Panthers need to pick up the pace. That's a good catch by Benjamin. Are they gonna get this ball spiked? Nope.


17-3 Bears at the half. This "Bird and the Beard" thing is getting old, guys. Fouts calls the OPI on Benjamin. Did Samuel stay inbounds there? He did! Good footwork, rook. So many penalties. 
Panthers short on time. And that interception by Trevathan may have just ended this game. Newton threw it right to him and I have no idea why. He's getting killed out there. I can't understate just how boring this second half has been.


Scratch that. Apparently I can. (Bears 17, Panthers 3)

Hot take: The Browns should have just kept Brock Osweiler. None of these kids are ready to be an NFL starting quarterback, and Osweiler could have been a sacrificial lamb while they sat and maybe learned something, if only what not to do. Poor Joe Thomas. How did the Giants not make a Godfather offer for him the last two seasons? We come in just as the Browns tie it with a 54-yard field goal. How was this kick not blocked? Deshone Kizer's been benched again, this time for Cody Kessler.



Mariota misfires on 3rd down and the Titans kick it away. Kessler kneels and the Browns will go to overtime. So that was... what? A quick kick on 4th down? Beats a 56-yarder, I guess? Browns get the ball back. Now it's Titans ball. They're in Browns territory again. Hue ices Succop as he misses, giving him another chance. That's such a Browns way to lose. (Titans 12, Browns 9, OT)


It's not common for us to get a 4 o'clock FOX game on a CBS doubleheader Sunday, especially when it's not the Eagles. Also, this matchup would normally anchor a FOX doubleheader, so it's triply weird. The 49ers are also bad. Touchdown Elliott, who got suspended and un-suspended again last week. C.J. Beathard is starting an NFL game. I saw this dude at Iowa and never thought I'd see this. He's former NFL GM Bobby Beathard's grandson, I believe. Terrible punt. Cowboys get a break when Prescott's grounding gets offset. Touchdown Elliott. Beathard running? Touchdown Witten. Wait, why is Jeff Heath —  a starting safety — kicking off? Also it's 20-3 instead of 21-3, so I'm wondering if something happened to Dan Bailey. Turnover. Cowboys ball with 36 seconds left and the 49ers lose a scoring chance. Good Lord. Elliott just outran the entire city of Santa Clara on that touchdown. Oh, Bailey is hurt. Heath's gonna kick the PAT? CLANG. It's GOOD. Another 49er injured. That's at least five. Prescott with the play-action draw for another touchdown. Troy points out that the guy (Eric Reid) spying Prescott was blocked, allowing him to walk into the end zone. And there's another turnover. Sick touchdown catch by Bryant. (Cowboys 40, 49ers 10)

It's the Bell and Brown show, just like old times. Touchdown Steelers as Brown beats that poor Bengals cornerback.


Green just activated his Inspector Gadget arms to pull that one in. The Bengals are challenging this backward pass ruling and it looks like they'll win it, getting 10 yards back. Nice run by Mixon. Dalton guns it to LaFell (!) for a touchdown. Touchdown Steelers as Juju Smith-Schuster sets the Bengals on fire. Bengals going for 4th and goal. Touchdown! Tight end was wide open and Dalton found him. That's a penalty. Was that catchable, though? Now Tomlin's saying he already called time out but he's not going to get it. Boswell on to kick, then. Good. 20-14 at the half. Joe Haden just pulled a pass off of Green's back for an interception. Another field goal follows. 26-14. That's the second straight Bengals drive to end with a pick. A FAKE PUNT. Wow. Somehow Burfict didn't kill anyone after that. (Steelers 29, Bengals 14)

Justin Timberlake got the Super Bowl halftime show, which should remind you that he somehow came out of the Janet Jackson thing unscathed. (And, indeed, that it's called "the Janet Jackson thing.") Foggy in Foxboro? Or smoke from pyro? ALWAYS COVER GRONK. Could've used that 12th guy on the last play, Falcons. Let's reset the first down markers. Belichick's all, "The fuck?" Gronk with a big catch in traffic — but it gets called back for offensive pass interference.
Fourth and 7 from midfield in the first quarter? Really, Falcons? Holy crap, Ryan had to bootleg out and he got the first down anyway! Kick is BLOCKED. "It's the same score at the end of the first quarter in the Super Bowl." Don't do this, Al. I like to think the State Farm commercial with the damaged truck is how Aaron Rodgers actually spent his summer.


Brady directs traffic and leads Robert Alford right to where his throw goes, but Brady got roughed, so it won't count. Brady just flipped that to Cooks, who gets behind Gronk and scores. Gronk with another clutch catch. Good defense in the end zone forces the Pats to kick a field goal. This appears to be the James White drive. And it ends with him in the end zone. This is fog. And it's a lot worse now than it was in the first half.
Falcons get the second-half kickoff. That Freeman run is their first big play tonight, I think. Two end zone overthrows for Ryan and it's fourth down. Bryant MISSES! Jeez.
Brady finds Hogan to get into the red zone. Field goal makes it 20-0. Collinsworth recaps that one drive in the Super Bowl that killed the Falcons. You can't overemphasize how terrible Ryan taking that sack was, but he points out that Freeman losing yards on the first down run caused that. More Freeman. Falcons going for it because, at this point, why not. DENIED. They lost five yards.

There's still nine minutes left? Jones ripped that right out of Butler's hands to bust up the shutout. That Belichick sign, though. Man, this was a bad day of games. (Patriots 23, Falcons 7)

Three. Straight. Touchdowns. It's nice to officially be better than the Redskins again. (Eagles 34, Redskins 24)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (6-1) — That's how you break a hold
2. Kansas City (5-2) — Or Groundhog Day, possibly
3. New England (5-2) — Same as it ever was...
4. New Orleans (5-2) — Hmmm...

BOTTOM 4:
29. Indianapolis (2-5) — Shut out by the Jaguars? Really?
30. N.Y. Giants (1-6) — And to think, they scored first this week
31. Cleveland (0-7) — Has anyone seen Brian Sipe? Anyone?
32. San Francisco (0-7) — Kind of embarrassing


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