Thursday, December 17, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Un-Sticky Fingers

That's a fumble, folks. But was it recovered? Whoa, maybe it's not. That was closer than I thought it was the first time. Bridgewater has a bottom-5 receiving corps. The Stefon Diggs revolution lasted two weeks. AD going HAM seems to be the Vikings' best chance tonight — I don't see their outmanned defense slowing down the Cardinals. Like, exactly like that. And the Cardinals just demonstrated what I was originally talking about. Without Barr and Smith, it's going to he hard for the Vikings to contain these guys. Seriously, if the Vikings could do this consistently, I'd give them a better chance here. Fumble! It's getting chippy out there. How is it the two-minute warning already. Whoa! Another big play by the Vikings. Don't just stand there. Run a play! Pass interference? OK. And Bridgewater gets sacked. So they'll kick a field goal and tie it, which seems fair. Good blitz pickup by Peterson. ANOTHER turnover?


Wow. Why the hell would you ever call a play that involves putting the ball in Peterson's hands only to subsequently take it OUT of his hands? Jeez, Floyd got a convoy to the end zone.


Rhodes almost turned the tables there. I'm not sure how he didn't intercept that, really. Palmer got drilled and still made that throw. Touchdown David Johnson? The Vikings have been getting beaten on the edge all night. He's out of bounds. Feels like the Vikings really need to hold here. And they do. Patterson just doesn't look as fast as he did. Safety blitz? Are the Vikings that close? That was about a 12-step drop Bridgewater took. 54 yards for Walsh. Good! That punt was almost blocked. Two penalties? Sheesh. Who is 48? And why is he getting the ball on a 3rd down, as successful as it was? I'M MIKE WALLACE. This has been the best TNF of the year. And it hasn't been close.


Wait, what? What happened there? The ball was tipped and an O-lineman caught it? I thought it was a run that the camera got caught out on at first. David Johnson has adequately replaced Chris. Someone screw up a route? Not the best throw by Palmer but the risk paid off and this is a much easier field goal now if they're held to that. Kick is GOOD. The Cards stay blitzing, man. Someone missed a coverage assignment. That's a... fumble? Whatever it was, the Vikings' line fell apart again.


(Cardinals 23, Vikings 20)

Signal Finder: BUF @ PHI, DAL @ GB

Holy hell, Jaguars. So much for the Colts ruling the AFC South with an iron fist. The Jags haven't beaten anyone down that badly since they sent Marino and Jimmy Johnson into retirement.


(Jaguars 51, Colts 16)



McCoy split out wide. Mostly boos now. Cox worked Incognito on that sack. Now it looks like Ryan Mathews is starting for the Eagles. Every time Riley Cooper beats someone, it's shocking. But I don't think this will count. Nope. Murray gets a first down and cheers. How did Ertz get so open? Touchdown Sproles. Somehow no one's anywhere near Robert Woods. That's a great throw by Taylor to Watkins and the safety help didn't come fast enough. We're tied.


Watkins needs to catch that one. He's the Bills' best playmaker as we've seen. I know for a FACT that there's a sporting goods store closer to Hamilton Township than Sewell. Wow, the Bills blew up the Eagles' offensive line on that 3rd down attempt. Who was that Taylor jumped over? Oh, Kendricks. Don't poke THAT bear, LeSean. Think that was Kiko covering McCoy on that 3rd down route.


They punt. That was uneventful. Muffed punt? Eagles ball! It's "Braman", not "Barman", guys. We'll also ignore that the hit had nothing to do with the misplay (and, in fact, came after it). Also ,Peters hobbled off again. So many penalties. Agholor! Good for him. Kid's been fighting himself all year.


There's the sorta-big run McCoy wanted to break off. Taylor escapes the pocket for a good gain. Who screwed up there? No matter. Hey, a Jordan Matthews sighting. Why is Ajirotutu on the field?
Barwin may have gotten away with a late hit at the end of that. Good work by Cooper to break a tackle, then work his way back to the sideline and get out of bounds. Oh, his knee was down. That's unhelpful. That gained... two yards? Good Lord, NOW what? Oh, OK. He did get out of bounds. Cooper sort of dove sideways out of bounds and that threw the officials off. Who's struggling more today, the officials or the announcers? Geez. That looks about 10 yards longer than it was.


You get a carry! And YOU get a carry! And YOU get a carry! Hogan's out of bounds. Why throw a 4-yard hitch, Bills? That was about three Eagles who hit the punt returner out of bounds. NATHAN ENDERLE. What a list of quarterbacks. Not sure how Cox didn't corral Taylor there. Someone named Gillislee just ran through the Eagles like a knife through butter. We're tied.


Huff almost fumbled that but he was out of bounds. Bad too-high throw by Bradford but a great play by McKelvin to take it away from Celek. The ball hits the ground but he held on. Lurie disagrees. Why'd that McCoy run get wiped out? Solomon Wilcots mentioning Eric Rowe, who's locked down Watkins since the switch. Bradford got creamed and rushed that throw to Ertz, who wasn't ready for it. I'm kind of amazed that the NFL is letting ads for Concussion run during their games.


Cox just got his payback. (Incognito can't handle him, by the way.) Wait, what's all this? Oh, Chip was saying Watkins was out of bounds.


He wasn't. Good stop on 3rd down. Ertz street-fought his way down the field there. The Bills have jumped at least three times today. Oh, four? Thanks, guys. At least they can get a field goal, though a first down there all but ends the game, I think. Incognito just held Cox, setting the Bills back some more. Christ, Bradford. You can't get sacked there.


First time we've heard Mario Williams' name today? ED REYNOLDS! You could see that interception coming, too. Taylor threw up an air ball and that's what happens when you throw up air balls.


L. O. L. crosses off Bills (Eagles 23, Bills 20)

Looks like Dalton got caught in between making the tackle or not making the tackle. It's AJ McCARRON time. Now Eifert's coming off? Concussion protocol. Didn't he just go through this? I never thought I'd utter the phrase "Season-altering injury for Andy Dalton" but here we are. (Steelers 33, Bengals 20)

So the Warriors, Chris Weidman, and Jose Aldo are all no longer undefeated. How about it, Panthers? No? Oh. OH.


Christ. *crosses off Falcons* (Panthers 38, Falcons 0)

Why did the Packers stop running the ball? That's McFadden's longest run in a while. LOOOOOOOOOL. I hate the moment of indecision that sometimes comes with an interception in the end zone. Take the knee! Just take the knee! And predictably, the Packers come out humming. Good job overcoming those penalties by an overmatched offensive line. It seems like Joe Buck is Eddie Lacy's good luck charm.


And replay says this is true. Sneak? Didn't make it. Still the right decision. Good job, Cowboys. Starks' speed made that touchdown happen. Troy with a visual aid! This'll be fun. Dez just bailed Cassel out. Or did he? Apparently not. Against the same team, even. (He did get robbed this time.) I'm more than a little surprised that James Jones is allowed to wear that hoodie. The packers love John Kuhn, man. Touchdown Rodgerses. And the half ends with Cassel being sacked. Surprised that the Packers haven't used Cobb out of the backfield more often with the struggles they had for a few weeks. Robert Turbin? The Cowboys have another Seahawks castoff at running back? McFadden again. Turbin again and touchdown Cowboys. That was a better Chip Kelly drive than most Chip Kelly drives this year. Lang may be the Packers' best remaining lineman and Hardy beat him down for that sack. I don't know why Dez jumped, either. Where are you going with this, Buck? He's had a rough season? We know that. The Cowboys keep running pass plays short of the first down marker. A muffed punt? Not surprising given the weather. But it seems like we've had more of those this year than normal, too. That's a crucial run by Aaron Rodgers. Starks! You can't tackle a guy by his head, Cowboys. This offense can't do anything. It's not all Cassel's fault: Dez can't catch anything and they can't run the ball (and haven't all year, really). Also their secondary is still hot garbage, and that Hardy sack earlier was his first in about a month, but those are defensive issues and have nothing to do with Cassel either. OK, Lacy just took the entire Cowboys defense with him to the goal line. I mean all of them. Like, guys were being pulled off the sideline into that pile. I'm pretty sure Cobb ended up tackling him. Touchdown Lacy and that's that. (Packers 28, Cowboys 7)

FLEXING. (Suck it, Ravens.) GRONK RISES. "NRG Stadium?" I see what you did there. Well, that didn't work. God punt return by an ex-Texan. LaFell touchdown? Oops. Guy who was eligible was covered up by receiver lining up incorrectly. That feels like bad play design if that happens. That didn't take long. Wait, Nate Washington's in Houston now?


That's why they're the Texans. Feels like we haven't seen Blount in a month and a half. I mean, I know we have, but he's done so little.
"Young Folks" as coach bio music? OK. Blount's hurt now? That's a good punt. The old Oilers theme? GRONK. Collinsworth: "Just not a fair fight." Is this worth a challenge? I guess so, and it worked. I then thought the White catch should have been worth a challenge but he caught that cleanly. But they're challenging this one, too? See, that doesn't look like it's touching the line. WOW. I did not think they'd overturn that. Washington's only good for one of those a game — they've gone to the well too many times. They need to get Hopkins free somehow. They're taking way too many deep shots. Now they have to punt. PATRIOTS SPECIAL TEAMS. And even after Martin muffed it, 22 had it and it got away from him.


Do the Texans only have three pass plays? They're going for a 4th and 4. That's game. Obligatory Robert Kraft Shot. Hey, a deep pass worked more than once. Fumble? No, this is an incomplete pass. His arm's clearly going forward. THAT'S a fumble. At least the Texans got it back and can now punt. Clowney just sacked Brady, and beat a double team to boot. And Ninkovich returns the favor on Hoyer. And another sack on Brady. Pass protection has become a vicious rumor. Who's this Sheard dude? And this is also a fumble and Patriots ball.


Touchdown White and that's a wrap. Who the hell calls a Wildcat play in 2015? Why are Brady and Gronk still in this game? Besides the fact that Belichick must destroy a soul fully before he consumes it, I mean. There's T.J. Yates, which means this game is over. (Patriots 27, Texans 6)

The Dolphins should bring these uniforms back. I don't like the new color scheme. Fumble? Fumble. SOMEONE GET THAT. Fine.


Did Landry just levitate? That was effective. Touchdown Miller and it looked easy. I don't have a good feeling about these tactics, Giants. Especially since it looks like Suh's interested tonight.


Tannehill just barely overshot Williams, who would have had a touchdown. That was unfortunate. Suddenly Rashad Jennings found a hole to run through. Hey, Randle made a play. Well it had been three weeks. This is smarter, Giants. There you go. Touchdown Randle.


Miller again! That's the down side of that club on JPP's hand. Can't really tackle with it. Also, nobody can tackle any more. Jennings has been the Giants' best back so far tonight. Fumble! Eli and Williams screwed up the handoff. Get down, Reshad Jones! Don't run with it in a pile! The Dolphins need to start getting touchdowns out of these. There's Beckham for about 40 yards. Plus roughing the passer? Lord. 31 on the Dolphins can't believe Will Tye just scored on him.


Stills lit up what's left of the Giants' secondary. Prince never saw the ball. Oh, NOW Darkwa shows up midway through the third? What kind of sense does that make? I  mean, the Dolphins can't stop Jennings. Stick with him. Man. That would have been a great touchdown catch. And it might actually have supposed to have been one. And the refs say it was! Beckham, man. That's crazy.


I don't get that challenge. Coughlin's losing it. That punt went so far it knocked Harris back. Two penalties later and the Giants are at midfield. Brown MISSED? Refs missed DRC holding Parker there. Hey, Dolphins! Good job not covering Beckham, guys. That's good work by Tannehill to pump-fake, move and find Landry. The punting tonight has been top-notch. Landry just stupidly threw DRC to the ground in front of an official. That wasn't a good series. That pass to Harris was big for the Giants. And now we're reviewing another Beckham catch. That's a catch and... this game's over! The Giants didn't blow it! Amazing. crosses off Dolphins (Giants 31, Dolphins 24)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (13-0) — The Greg Olsen thing could bear watching
2. New England (11-2) — That's more like it
3. Arizona (11-2) — Business as usual, I suppose
4. Cincinnati (10-3) — The road just got a lot tougher

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (3-10) — Could probably leave now without complaint
30. San Francisco (4-9) — You can't lose to the Browns and not pay a price for it
31. Cleveland (3-10) — It's a Festivus MIRACLE
32. Tennessee (3-10) — Made the Jets look legitimately... legit
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Saturday, December 12, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Improbablility Drivers

But this game's in Detroit. Oh, all right then. Ameer Abdullah hit the rookie wall in, like, Week 2 and just now got over it. When's the last time the Lions won three in a row? Big run by Abdullah on this next drive. Nice job covering Ebron, Packers. And Rodgers just threw an interception, and it wasn't a good throw. That was a good throw by Stafford and Megatron did what he does. That's grounding. The Lions know it.


And that's pass interference. it was an effective face guard, but a face guard nonetheless. Holy hell, it's 17-0? How? And now Crosby's missed after hitting the upright. The Packers' offensive line has been getting destroyed tonight.


Nice hair, Nantz. 1991? If that's a junior prom photo, that would make Tracy Wolfson about my age and it seems like she's been around forever. The Lions can pretty much run the clock out here. And now for the announcement that was leaked eight hours ago.


Other artists? What does that mean? The Packers' defense is struggling in its own right. Like, the Lions have gotten back into the chase thanks in no small part to the Packers' own fall-off. Field goal is good. The Portsmouth Spartans! It's funny to think about the cities where pro sports teams used to play. Hey, Starks got a carry. And another one. Fumble! Touchdown Cobb!


And the Packers follow it up with a turnover. Touchdown Adams! It's suddenly a six-point game. A lot of Lions have been helped off the field tonight. Who's this Crockett dude for the Packers? Oh, he's the guy from North Dakota State. Now another Packers O-lineman is hurt, and this is becoming ridiculous. This is an important third down for the Lions... and they won't get it. Oh, offsides Packers. So now it's 3rd and 10. Still short. I like going for this. 4th and 2 and you need to score on this drive, probably. Nice quick pass to Tate to convert. Stafford running? Simms is big on "gambles" tonight.


That looks like a first down, and I suppose it is. I'm amazed Shields didn't intercept that. Still, they've got a shot at points here. And it's good. That Starks bobble is not what the Packers needed. Now they're going for it.. and Sims agrees? Wow. I don't mind the time out. Get this right. Mini-wheel route to Cobb? OK. Sounds like Lacy's back in the dog house. Good pass between the Rodgerses. I guess Aaron's the Packers' best runner. What, NFL Network couldn't find an actor willing to play a Cardinals fan, so they had to use Warner for this spot? And it's not like it's 2000 or "anytime before 1989." The Cardinals are good now! That's a clutch pass to... whoever that is... to get that 3rd and 12. Man, Tracy's taken a beating tonight. First the prom photo and now reliving Michigan-Michigan State. FACE MASK? FACE MASK? Rodgers was eating his chin strap. Now we've got an actual shot at a Hail Mary. TOUCHDOWN!!! Caldwell's in disbelief. So is everyone else in Ford Field.




 



Richard Rodgers posted up and had a shell of teammates around him. No Lion could get to the ball. Think about this: The Lions can't even out-Brown the Browns. That's how cursed that franchise is. (Packers 27, Lions 23)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ NYG, SEA @ MIN, SF @ CHI, PHI @ NE, CAR @ NO (end)

Multiview? Look at you, CBS, getting all fancy. I'm not sure how JPP is supposed to tackle anybody with that club on what's left of his hand. Fitzpatrick didn't sweat that safety blitz at all. Hey, a stop. About time, Giants. Come on, Beckham. Stop showing off. How do you rally the crowd in THIS game?
Punt returns for touchdowns shouldn't be that hard, man. They had both Harris and Beckham back on it again? They did that the first time, too, and I don't think they've done that much this year. This is the most pressure the Giants have gotten on the quarterback this season. That' is also clearly a fumble. And we've got a wrestling match five yards away from the play. AND we've got a late hit after it all allegedly ended. Hakeem Nicks caught a pass? Stop the presses. Williams gets... stuffed. And the Giants aren't going for it, which is a moral victory for the Jets. Unsportsmanlike conduct on the Jets bench? Did they re-hire Rex Ryan?


I feel like the refs did that just to penalize Coughlin for wasting their time. I mean, Powell got the first down anyway. Touchdown Jets. Good Lord. Beckham just set the Jets on fire. Gilchrist wouldn't have caught him if he'd stopped. And then the Giants somehow didn't pick off that pass. I'm not sure if Prince just got unlucky or he mistimed his reach. Wait, Beckham didn't catch that? That's an upset. Really, refs? Marshall pops a dude in the face and you throw the flag on the other guy? Ah, roommate issues. Now Will Tye's doing his Beckham impression. The Giants just leaped offside. Why are Beckham and Sheldon Richardson in the same place? False start on a punt? Same old Jets. Flags everywhere. Skrine's had better days. By the way, this is the same drive. This is some Michigan State last night action. 4th and 2 from the 4 and the Giants go. ELICEPTION. Right into double coverage. The Jets might want to pick up the pace here — they do have to score twice, after all. Marshall! Then Fitzpatrick misses everyone and it's 4th down. Now what?


Oh. At least the Jets' defense held. Running into the punter? Oh Lord. Feels like Powell and not Ivory has been making the big plays in this game. Don't get sacked, Fitz. Oh, he converted a 4th and 6 with a run! Call time out, guys. So because Moore got hurt on the play, the Jets get their time out back and the Giants lose one. Touchdown Marshall!


We're going to overtime. The Giants can't cover the Jets' receivers anymore, either. Any way JPP wasn't offsides there? Delay of game? That actually helps the Jets. No idea what that was. Jets kick it. Harris almost broke off another one. Kicking the ball is a delay of game? I mean, I get why. Beckham got that one, though. Now let's set this up.


Brown MISSES! Jets win! (Jets 23, Giants 20, OT)

THROW THE FLAG, ZIMMER. Good. Dare I say it, but this is an easy one. The Seahawks seem to make so many little mistakes. We need to find out what's up with Anthony Barr and Harrison Smith soon because the Vikings can't bring anyone down. That's two missed tackles on that touchdown. SO far, the Seahawks have put a guy in front of Peterson at all times. So Smith just got hurt and Barr reinjured his groin. Ouch. Wait, there are stadiums in the Twin Cities that aren't named after Target? I demand an investigation. Good job by Lynch to remind us that the Seahawks got lit up on defense last week. That reverse... did not work. Carroll's about to lose a challenge by wasting it on a spot. Nice catch and survival skills by Lockett, hanging on after getting double-teamed. Did he get hit or did the two Vikings hit each other's heads? Oh, BOTH. Shit. Wait, what happened there? The Vikings haven't been able to keep Wilson contained. That may have been a designed run. Not sure. Back to that penalty on Robison, he's telling the ref "I didn't know he was down" and I'm glad FOX showed us that. That one got away from Bridgewater and Earl Thomas was waiting for it like he was fielding a ground ball at second base.  And Baldwin cashes in immediately. This game might be over.


Hey, the Seahawks just ran the play that they should have run at the end of the Super Bowl. (Seahawks 38, Vikings 7)

The Falcons are going to lose out the string. I'm convinced. I mean, who are they beating? What's happened to Matt Ryan? (Buccaneers 23, Falcons 19)

CUTLER VS. GABBERT. HOORAY. What are the Bears doing?


The knock on Gabbert has always been that he crumbles and panics under pressure. Has Cutler been overthrowing his receivers all day? "Cleared to return?" What happened to Cutler? And who's the backup now that the Bears cut Clausen a couple weeks ago? Good run by Forte. Cutler did a good job escaping there and finding Jeffrey deep. Mariani? He usually returns kicks. Offensive lineman fullback alert! Yet it was Carey who finished off that touchdown run, driving Bowman back into the end zone. Gabbert can run? Gabbert can run. GABBERT CAN RUN. That has to be embarrassing for Bears fans. And that kickoff return has to be embarrassing for 49ers fans. Carey with the first down on 3rd and 12. Is Forte hurt? Let's line this up. Gould... MISSES?? Was it partially blocked? No, he just shanked it.


I'm not sure he kicked it cleanly. And now we're going to overtime. The 49ers are punting already? I don't think that guy's used to being that far down field. Just dropped an interception. Torrey Smith for the win! That dude had no shot. First career outdoor road win for Gabbert? My God. (49ers 26, Bears 20, OT)

THE CHIEFS ARE IN THE 5-SEED SPOT. Good job, Andy. Seriously. (Chiefs 34, Raiders 20)

Here's how you know things have gone wrong: You get demoted from Buck and Aikman to Brennaman and Davis. And you get an officiating crew that was pulled from the Sunday night game because of a bad day they all had last week. Look at all this Sproles involvement. And it's working. Or, it was, until two penalties and Bradford throwing to blanketed receivers killed it. Barwin with a crucifix rollup on Brady. What is going on? Delay of game out of a timeout and the Eagles think it's a clock issue? Then another one on Peters?


The announcers are desperate to find something good to say about the Eagles. I mean, at least they're trying? It's important to note that the Patriots are also running out of offensive linemen. Brady's already been sacked twice. "America's Game of the Week." Don't lie to the people, FOX graphics department. Why is Rupert Murdoch here?


There's that Patriots luck — Brady escapes a sack and floats a ball to Chandler. You're being outscored by a soccer game, you yahoos. OK, not any more. I'm just going to assume this flag is on the Eagles. I'm right! Jenkins got straight-up baited into that pass interference call. So Brady and Blount collide. Interesting. Man, FOX better move some of these games next week. Brady is the best quarterback sneaker ever. That's two touchdowns for the Patriots and on both of them the Eagles have been completely caught out of position. Did those assholes just onside kick? Hey, a Jordan Matthews sighting. Sproles and Barner are killing it. Ertz! That's a big three-and-out. This will be well short. The Eagles might go for this. They should, at least. What have they got to lose? The season's over. So they punt. The Patriots are in no hurry to get to the locker room. PUNT BLOCK TOUCHDOWN! Maragos came in utterly untouched. Are... are those BOOS? You impudent fucks. You're still going to win by 20. Too high, Bradford. And he was lucky that bounced before the defender got it. That's not a catch and fumble? Oh, it's the "control" thing. Whatever. These rules suck.


Someone picked Kendricks on that pass to White (who was wide open again.) Interception Jenkins! Touchdown!!


RETRIBUTION. That Brady throw was Sanchez-esque.


How did Amendola catch that and not get killed on the hit? Brady running is hilarious. SPECIAL TEAMS!! This is astounding.


Good job Charles Davis and the spotters seeing that non-block block by Maragos that gave Sproles his opening. A reverse pass to Brady? Belichick's getting desperate. And Maxwell just picked off Brady in the end zone.




LaFell may have run the wrong route but wow. This drive is going places. Pass interference on the guy defending Agholor? The Patriots are falling apart. Hey, a DeMarco Murray sighting! And I'm a little worried about how much run Barner's getting. Matthews for the touchdown! This is astounding.




Bye-bye, any pretense of a Patriots running game. Great, Brady's mad. Try covering James White, guys. Touchdown Chandler. And they get the onside kick because they're the Patriots.


Oh, Kiko. How  do you fall down? They hit you with an instant ice slick? And right after you stuffed the swing pass on the previous play, too. Remember earlier about Brady's sneaking ability? Yeah, that.


This one won't work. Good looking out, Cooper. Just run the ball, Chip. Don't throw it! COOPER!! That was ballsy and should not have worked and was maybe the best thing either of those guys has ever done in the pros. No, Barner! Don't fumble! (Why wasn't Sproles or Murray in the game there? You can't put that kid in that spot.) The Eagles haven't covered James White all game. How is it fourth down again? Oh, that's right, they spiked it on first. Incomplete! EAGLES WIN! This was chiseled in stone as a loss the day the schedule came out. I have no idea what happened. (Eagles 35, Patriots 28)

Two minutes left! Impeccable timing by all involved. The Panthers clinched the division earlier when the Falcons derped again. They just showed the Olsen roll-catch that kept the drive alive. Cotchery's been so good for the Panthers. See? What did I just say? Of course, there's still time. And just like that, the Saints are at midfield. You call time out there if you're the Panthers because you want to get this exactly right. This is it. Throw's off target. Panthers win. Who had them at 12-0? Liars.


(Panthers 41, Saints 38)

So NBC's going to show Obama's speech before going to the game. Now is the game going to start on time, or...? That was... quick. Are Al and Cris wearing Gore-Tex? No need to yell, Tomlin. She's right there. Man, Steelers Jacoby Jones has NOT been Ravens Jacoby Jones. Matt Hasselbeck, The Venerable One. There's three dudes from that draft class still in the league — him, Peyton, and Woodson — and Hasselbeck may be having the best season of all of them. He then throws an interception at the 1-yard line.


We doing all STP tonight, NBC DJ? I'd be down. Good run by DeAngelo. Fumble! Dear Lord, this is chaos. Watch this field goal get blocked. Or not.


SO MUCH COMEDY. This is ridiculous. Brandon Boykin LIVES! Yeah, he lost it for a second but it never hit the ground. Not sure how Hilton caught that. Shanice? Really, NBC DJ? In less than an hour, we went from this:




to this:


I'm assuming this "Colts quarterbacks under pressure" graphic hasn't been updated. Andre Johnson lives! What are the Steelers pointing at? Oh, the play clock. Touchdown Gore.


Bryant with a big leaping catch. Good ups, kid. Antonio Brown's really good. He just barely beat Davis for that touchdown. Ben had Spaeth open on the left side but it still worked out. 14-10. Is that the first NFL wristband? I don't think Jacoby Jones actually likes Pittsburgh. To give Collinsworth credit, I'm not sure many other NFL color guys have punt returning experience. "He's killed the Steelers over the years. Not helping 'em tonight, either." Personal foul? Yeah? Oh. The Steelers make up the difference quickly and relatively easily. Wait, that's a touchdown? Oh, it sure is. Collinsworth's talking about Boykin like it's last year with the Eagles. Greg Toler's gotta go. Every time the Colts are on TV, he gets lit for at least two big plays a game. Martavis Bryant smoked him. Yeah, people forget HOW good those Steelers offenses were. Frank Gore still has moves? What's with all the delays of game? Yeesh. What's Hasselbeck doing? Why call a pass there on 4th and 1? Awful. And Brown burns the Colts again. Bet it was Toler. No, it was Davis as part of a double-team to boot. That's disrespectful. Between Brown and Mike Wallace, the Steelers definitely picked the right guy. Fumble out of bounds. I keep saying it, but this James Harrison resurgence defies logic. Oh, Whitehurst is coming in? Smart move. No reason to get the old man killed. Brown's returning this punt? HE SURE IS. Also, OUCH.




Hey, That Super Bowl footage. Nobody needs to see that again. (Steelers 45, Colts 10)



Good start, Redskins! Well, yeah, Tirico. The 2015 Giants don't sack people. That's a good punt return... that won't count. That's also a good return... that also won't count. And on the Cowboys' first play, McFadden fumbles. This is how Sunday night's game started. Nothing is happening. Nothing. Wait, the Cowboys' tablets aren't working?


Of course not. You think Snyder isn't above some Patriots-level sabotage? You really think that? At least Whitehead broke off another decent punt return. Cassel missed Williams and the Cowboys are punting again. 3rd and 23. Nice. This game has gone analog, which is somehow appropriate because these two teams don't deserve high technology. Garcon! Plus a face mask on the Cowboys. Then they lose seven yards and still have to punt. What happens in a tie? Cassel hits Witten for a first down and Hall's disagreeing with the spot. Terrence Williams just beat... somebody. Cassel out here throwing bounce passes. Cousins seems to be having the same drive Cassel just did. I'll assume it also ends in a field goal. It did! Computers still aren't working and it's the third quarter. Did the Cowboys just fumble AGAIN? Yep. Was that Griffin in the owner's box? If anything, Dez pushed off the defender. That's a bad call. I mean, Belichick won 11 games with this dude. Why is John Hanna near the ball on 3rd and 4? I'm impressed Sean Lee's made it through the third quarter here. Another. Cowboys. Turnover. I mean, you can't blame Cassel for this stuff. Street got the ball ripped out of his hands.


These offenses are good for about 50 yards per drive and then bupkis. That's not gonna make it. Nope, wide right. Still 9-6. Someone threw deep! And Dez caught it! No, really, he actually caught this one. #SHADE How do they not get two yards with this offensive line? Tirico and Gruden just said the same thing.


Wait, an NFL game ended 9-5? Bucky Dent Day! The two minute warning has never been so aptly named. Oh, they've gotta look at this. Make a call! Incomplete. OK.


Cowboys punt. GOOD JOB DESEAN. He never fucked up a punt return that badly with under Andy or Chip, I'll tell you that. Wait, the Redskins got it back? Desean owes that dude a game check. Oh, the Cowboys' punter recovered it! Good job by you, friend.


Don't get pushed out of bounds, McFadden. Touchdown Cowboys. They finally converted a short yardage play.


Seriously, what in God's name was Desean doing? And now there's a face mask on the kickoff return. And a bomb to Desean ties it with 44 seconds left. WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS?


GO FOR TWO YOU FUCK. Whitehead's been the Cowboys' best player tonight and it's not close.


Now I need to shower in acid. (Cowboys 19, Redskins 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (12-0) — Just enough magic at the end
2. New England (10-2) — Depleted offensive line becoming an issue
3. Arizona (10-2) — Business as usual, I suppose
4. Cincinnati (10-2) — A routine rout of their northern rivals

BOTTOM 4:
28. (tie) Baltimore (4-8) — Some sort of curse/karmic payback at work
28. (tie) New Orleans (4-8) — No mojo left for anyone
30. San Diego (3-9) — Speaking of being depleted...
31. Tennessee (3-9) — That Mariota run is easily their season highlight
32. Cleveland (2-10) — Will it ever end?
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Thursday, December 3, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Nests and Pedestals

So, this whole thing about Murray sliding for no real reason near the end of Sunday's loss... has anyone considered the possibility that he just slipped? Because he's lost his footing twice today already and we're four plays in. Hey, Peters is back, and it looks like Kelce is at center, which was dicey. The Lions devoured that screen pass. This will be close. Peters is already walking off? First down. Face mask? That's bad. This kick doesn't look good, either. CLANG. Really, Lions? The first play? Some Eagle jumped offsides but got back well before the snap. Eagles' blitz got beaten pretty badly there. And again, and by Riddick again, this time for a touchdown.

Hey, a decent run by Murray. Trey Burton? Really? Also, why is Sanchez throwing blocks? They can't afford to lose anybody else. Celek? Celek! He almost didn't make it and now he's limping. Well, I guess Pereira doesn't need to be anywhere else today. Strahan has a suit line? "You're better than that, Troy." Apparently not. Stafford scrambling around like a seven-year-old in the backyard touch football game at 11 a.m. SOME of the additions haven't worked out. What the hell, Peyton? Who dips turkey in cheese? And what's happened to this Eagles defense?

Tate clowned Thurmond there. Ziggy Ansah's secretly having a big year. That was quick. That's a bad drop. Good job by the holder to rescue that snap.

Buck's telling truth right now: it's almost three years in and Chip still doesn't have a quarterback. Don't you have to switch Maxwell to Johnson? Rowe will get vaporized out there at some point. And as I say that he breaks up a pass in the end zone. Hey, a sack. That's a ridiculous throw by Stafford to Megatron. This one's over. And FOX thinks so, to, as we're going to unrelated construction footage before halftime.

And now, BIG SEAN. Wow, this dude sucks. How'd he get a record deal?

I'll never understand indoor pyro at these things. Oh look, another Lions receiver wide open. Carroll broke his ankle, I'm hearing. The tackling, as it does around the league every game, has looked awful. Megatron again. I'm watching college basketball and waiting for my aunt to get here. (The men's poll this week is one of the strangest I've seen in some time. Texas A&M's ranked? Vanderbilt's in the top 20? Bizarre.) Matthews got pasted. Fumble. Not sure how Maxwell got away with that one. That's a sympathy no-call. That was inevitable, I suppose.

The Patriots are gonna drop 50 on these dudes. (If they were healthy, I'd say 75.) Anyway, family will be here any minute. And they deserve better than this. (Lions 45, Eagles 14)

The lines for this game make me think Vegas is flush and wants to give all of its money back. I'm genuinely amazed Kurt Coleman is still in the league. God bless him, he's doing well, but he may be one of the worst players I've ever seen in an Eagles uniform. Jerricho Cotchery still doing things.

Why are the Panthers punting here? Go for it! They don't respect you anyway!


Bad Romo is back with a vengeance. BACK TO BACK TO THE SAME DUDE. Both were bad: Witten wasn't open on the second one (and he got actually crushed for it). The Panthers are going to score again, aren't they? Good job picking up that flag, refs. No, seriously. That wasn't on Jones. Luke Bryan? That makes sense. Is this "country girl, shake it for me" song even his song? I don't know, guys. Everyone was ripping this performance (and, indeed, 95% of today's country music is hot garbage) but at least Luke can sing somewhat. Big Sean's a rapper who can't rap. Cotchery again! We need to talk about how the Panthers' offensive line has blown away expectations, especially Michael Oher, who hasn't been this good since his rookie year. The Cowboys were offering token resistance up until that point. Oh, they called the leaping penalty on the field goal? Whoa. Cam scores! This may take a few minutes.

Look at THAT stat. Cam's outrushed the Cowboys by 30 yards. Romo's down AGAIN? Oh boy. And he's holding the shoulder again. That feels like a re-break. That's the third time that's happened to him. Rough.

So it's Cassel time again. This has actually been the Cowboys' best drive today. Feels like Dez has been pretty silent. I can't even see who caught that because of all the end zone cameras. Oh, it was Beasley. OK. 4th and 30? Christ. Remember when I said family deserved better than this? This wasn't really what I meant. Also, eat it, Vegas.

(Panthers 33, Cowboys 14)

That makes sense — normally either of these teams are in Detroit today, historically. WEATHER. Yeah, Eddie Lacy's back. Well, that was a bad idea. Collinsworth just described conditions as "slimy." Is Cutler trying to catch Rivers in the baby-making department? Lot of powerhouse programs on this Bears offense. That was a weird Rodgers interception. And that explains why, sort of. Collinsworth calling it a "good break." Lacy runs like a bull even when he's not being impeded. Wait, what? The Bears are saying he pulled a Desean? Yeah, that'd be hard to overturn. Wait, why WOULD this be a safety? I guess if it hit him instead of the other guy? Maybe? Kid's upset on the sideline but he did the right thing. Cutler tried to give that one back. Careful with that punt, Cobb. Lacy fumbled? Bears ball. I don't think Jeffrey ever got his feet down. Plus that was either a weird route he ran or the ball sailed on Cutler. That was close. How was Miller that open? Did literally everyone blitz? How does dude take that hit and keep going? Good job covering Starks, Bears. Solid stop. Look at the Bears driving. I'm not sure this is a touchdown. It's not. This, however, is. Who had the Bears leading at halftime? Apparently not the Packers. This didn't quite work. Of COURSE Favre comes out in a warmup jacket.

Best halftime of the day by far. What the HELL, Alshon. That's almost impossible to do. Penalties took this drive out back and shot it. Why is Rodgers out here hitting the A button? That was a waste. 4th and 29? Christ. Cutler's unleashed some corkers in this second half. Maybe the weather affecting it? And Rodgers got hurt on top of that? This game has ground to a halt. Feels like next score wins.




A triathlon? Favre doesn't seem like a swimmer. Here comes Rodgers. Whoa, they blew that dead? They usually don't. The Bears might win this game. Cutler got lucky to get that fumble back. I don't think the Packers have a first down in this quarter. There's one, and it took another Rodgers run to get it. Interception!

The Bears probably should have wanted to run more clock. Or gone for it on 4th down. Either one. Cobb just slipped a tackle and got about 20 more yards. Adams almost dropped that one. I think all Porter did to Jones was put his hand in front of his face. One more shot. Incomplete!

Thank the Gods, a good game. Also, holy crap, this is Cutler's first win in Lambeau. Eat up, Pops. (Bears 17, Packers 13)

Signal Finder: MIA @ NYJ, NYG @ WAS, BUF @ KC (end), PIT @ SEA

The Jets go for this because... oh, I don't know Because they felt like it? They probably should have made it. Ooof, Pryor popped Rishard Matthews. Flag? Oh wow, OPI on the other side. Eagle and Fouts thought it was two different things and they were both wrong.
Wait, this Williams guy has five picks? Fitzpatrick is the Jets' leading rusher. That snap was terribad. The Dolphins' corners couldn't deal with Marshall there. That's some bad tackling on that Landry screen.
Hey, there's former Jets first-round pick Quinton Coples, who was a disaster at linebacker for them. Good personnel deployment there, Rex. Terrible decision by Tannehill that worked out. Then on the next play, Jordan Cameron almost tried to drop that pass but couldn't. That didn't amount to anything either. Decker just got flipped. TWO Dolphins down here? Touchdown Jets. Good catch by the rookie Devin Smith. I thought the Jets were closer to the end zone after that punt return. Guess not. Eagle just said of Fitzpatrick: "He went from a Civil War general to a Brooklyn hipster in one trim." Decker fought for that touchdown. And the Jets just had an interception taken away from them. Not that they need it, but it's the principle of the thing. That's the first big play from the Dolphins and the third quarter's almost over. And that's the second. Touchdown Dolphins. Brandon Marshall is too much for these dudes.


Seriously, Marshall is killing Grimes out there. He just posted him up. Why are the Dolphins punting on 4th and 4 down by 21 points? Like Fouts just said, they're throwing the season away by doing that. And that Ivory touchdown tells you all you need to know. *crosses off Dolphins* (Jets 38, Dolphins 20)

Hakeem Nicks on that JPP career arc. Uh-oh, Eli. But that's Vereen's fault for not holding on. Uh-oh AGAIN, Eli. And that one was more his fault than the first — the throw was high and terrible. Maybe the Redskins will score this time. BLOCKED! High snap, but still.

The Redskins fail to capitalize again. Nicks! This... this is actually something. I think Harris is in the end zone and the Redskins will win this challenge. Yep. There was a moment during that pass to Morris where nobody realized how open he was, including Morris himself. That pass on the rollout was overthrown so badly it hit the play clock in the end zone and bounced back. The Redskins are moving in the wrong direction. Again, zero pass rush from the Giants. This kick's good. Desean just shredded the Giants' "secondary". This injury report on Schwartz changed like, three times. Now he's out with a broken leg. Feels like neither of these quarterbacks can stay on target. A 55-yard screen pass? The Giants are being schooled by a worse team, and the Giants are bad. This one's close. No touchdown, apparently. Does the one dude have blood on his pants? What is that? Cousins sneak! This is unconscionable.

Hey, Redskins, the Jets tried that already. WHAT THE HELL GIANTS. That was the Miles Austin play against the Buccaneers last week, so we'll put the blame on both Eli and Randle for that one. Who are these people making plays for the Redskins on defense? Now that pass by Eli — thrown while being taken down in the pocket — should have been intercepted, but wasn't.


Now what's this? We've got a pileup that turned into a scrum that degenerated into a donnybrook. That field goal should do it. That's a horse collar by DeAngelo Hall, who wouldn't have caught Beckham any other way. That's a good catch and sort-of run by Randle to get the Giants on the board finally. That punt was almost a disaster on both ends — nearly blocked, then Harris almost muffed it. Will Tye on a 4th down? Of course? Stony Brook? Stony Brook has football? A diving catch by Beckham in the end zone... for a touchdown!


Here's the thing about that: With the catch rules the way they are, it's legitimately not worth it to lay out for a pass like that any more because you'll never get the call. And now this comeback is legitimately possible. God, if the Redskins blow this. Whose hand is that in front of the camera? Placement, people. If Jay Gruden's smart that's the last risk he'll take with Cousins. Why in the blue hell did Harris field that punt? And did Coughlin not have the ability to make them re-kick it? Now the Giants have the ball at the 12 instead of the 25. Lot of stupid in this game. LOT of stupid. And the Redskins are in first place.

God help us. (Redskins 20, Giants 14)


That wasn't a catch? How? Jesus, Rex, throw the challenge flag. Really? That's a screwup. Taylor drops the ball, then picks it back up. Did he make it? No. So you're challenging a spot but not the obvious catch before that, Rex? OK, man. Suddenly the Chiefs are solidly in wild-card contention. (Chiefs 30, Bills 22)

Meanwhile, the Falcons may never win a game again. I mean, ever. (Vikings 20, Falcons 10)

Blaine Gabbert looks competent? Seriously, this may be the best game he's ever had. When's the last time Carson Palmer had a run that long? The Mesozoic Era? (Cardinals 19, 49ers 13)

The Steelers are in Seattle. This has been building for 10 years. I'm expecting three hours of rage. Huh. Not as many boos as I expected. Did the crowd collectively burn one before kickoff? Who designed those pass routes? Brown and, was that Bryant(?) almost collided. Rawls doing his best Beast Mode impersonation there. I swear Michael Bennett is offside six times a game. The Steelers are throwing the ball pretty well against the Seahawks so far. Does anyone besides Jim Nantz know the quarter is over? Anyone? OK, good. What? Ugly pass, poor result. Mike Tomlin does things like that on occasion. I've never seen them work.

Simms just completely misidentified who caught the touchdown pass. (It was Baldwin. I don't know how he got it wrong considering how ridiculously open Baldwin was.) They hit Chancellor with the horse-collar there? And the officials pull a Simms — it was Lane. Did Bryant make it? I can't say he didn't. That's some quality tightrope walking. Wait, Russell Wilson with time in the pocket? And Jimmy Graham with a big catch? Is it 2012? Graham again. Now Kearse just made a good catch and these pass defenses are being tested. Touchdown Kearse. I guess Sherman's been shadowing Brown all day? We haven't heard much from him. Man, Wheaton was BEGGING for that pass. Thank God Ben finally saw him. Nice open running lane for DeAngelo for the touchdown. Two-pointer here? Not sure why they tried it in this situation but it worked.
Now this I really don't get. Kicking the field goal here goes against everything Tomlin's done so far in this game. 77 intercepted a pass? And if he didn't get it, Chancellor would have. That... that's not possible. Graham CAUGHT. THAT. It was tipped, he dropped it, it was almost intercepted, and he still caught it. And Rawls cashes in immediately. And we're... NOT tied? What's up with Hauschka? Ben launched a rocket but Bryant couldn't hold on. Graham's down? Uh-oh. He's still down. He wasn't touched. Oh, jeez. They've got the hard brace out for Graham. That's probably a bad sign. Kearse again!


Wheaton just outran the Seahawks. Like, all of them. Ever. Nice tackling, Lane. First down Steelers. Roughing the passer? I swear, Bennett does at least three stupid things every game. That's a big run by Ben. Wait, what? Was Tomlin kidnapped by a pod person at halftime?

And now the Seahawks can do whatever they want. And what they want to do is have Baldwin torch this still-bad Steelers secondary. Two missed tackles on that. This time Hauschka makes the extra point and it's over.


Good point, Seth. Now what? This should probably be an incomplete pass. Wait, no. That's an interception. I think Carey's wrong (as usual). Or, at least, he's interpreting the rule incorrectly. Replay's not the problem, Nantz. The problem is the rules don't make any fucking sense. On another note, I didn't realize Landry Jones threw that pass until they said that Ben was out.


This really helped the Seahawks. This... may hurt the Steelers more than we realize right at this moment. (Seahawks 39, Steelers 30)


"Brady vs. Osweiler" just doesn't have the same ring to it. Huh. Snow. That punt was less than ideal.

This snow accelerated quickly. Yeah, you're not stopping Gronk with a weak sauce tackle attempt like that. So "Omaha" isn't just a Peyton thing. Good to know. Important: Osweiler's 6-foot-8. Legitimately a huge dude. Good catch by Sanders. Can't hold the ball there, Brock. That killed a field goal attempt, though this may be the one outdoor stadium where you'd consider it despite the weather.

That's a sack. Did the officials screw up a ruling of an eligible receiver in another Patriots game? At least they got it right this time but my God.

Wait, were Ward and Williams on the same cart? Damn, Broncos, spend some money. Where was the yellow line on that 3rd and 9 pass? Strange. How does a 6-8 quarterback get his pass deflected? Oh, that's how — by hitting the quarterback. And you can't turn the ball over against the Patriots, because they always score. That's only Chandler's third touchdown this season? It feels like I've seen him score, like, seven.


How'd they get that close up? Good job Butler to knock that ball away. Yeah, I always believed that the fallout between McDaniels and Cutler in Denver was as much McDaniels' fault, if not more.


Let's hope this drive ends better than the other time the Broncos got this far. There we go. Look at those smooth-cut yard lines. Sanders pretty consistently makes the long catches. Well that was also a waste. This game has drawn to a halt. We may not get any more points.

So who had a TEXANS game being flexed three weeks ago? Yeah, that's what I thought. Touchdown Bolden. Fumbled punt! Yeah, that's Denver's ball. Sanders again! He's been making that play all season. And Anderson runs off the milk carton and into the end zone. No one can field punts tonight. More Anderson. A field goal? Not quite sure this is the best move. If Peyton were here and healthy they'd definitely go for this. And now the Broncos have to punt again. Now GRONK's hurt AGAIN? CHRIST. Took a shoulder pad to the knee. Cart's out.

Who's left? LaFell? That's it? That's all they have left? "Finally, Demaryius Thomas", indeed. Have not heard his name called all night. Sanders!! Stay inbounds, Brock. DEFENSIVE HOLDING AFTER A SACK. TOUCHDOWN BRONCOS. It's Andre Caldwell, the No. 3 receiver! Oh, hey, Patrick Chung got beat. Does Bradley Fletcher even play any more? Should the Broncos have gone for two? Interesting question.
They're awful quick to explain why it's not grounding (and it wasn't). Wait, now what? Another clock issue?

47 yards? That's cake. There's no way Gostkowski misses even in this weather. Look, the Broncos are pressuring and getting to Brady. If they'd done that on the last drive they'd be sipping cocoa in the locker room right now. Sanders again? Goodness. CJ ANDERSON FOR THE WIN!!!

Four more things:

1. It's fitting that Kobe Bryant announced this was his last season today. Because we may not see Peyton Manning after this game, either.

2. The Peyton Manning we've seen this season would not have won this game.

3. The Patriots were up 21-7 in the fourth quarter against a quarterback making his second career start. And they lost.

4. Remember what I said about the Patriots putting 75 on the Eagles? Make that 90.

(Broncos 30, Patriots 24, OT)

Look, I told you all last week I was taking Monday off. Besides, I'm not following THAT up. Also it's the 50th anniversary of A Charlie Brown Christmas and Kristen Bell is hosting.


Come on. You can't say no to that.

As I'm wondering "Why didn't Austin Davis start this game?" McCown gets hurt and Davis comes in. Look, with the lack of talent left on both sides, this is a glorified preseason game at this point. While Gruden's speaking on Manziel, I will, too: Benching him was the first smart decision the Browns 2.0 have ever made. Part of this whole deal about being on a football team, and especially being the quarterback, is everyone else knowing they can trust you. And right now, they absolutely cannot trust this kid. TOUCHDOWN BROWNS. They picked up the blitz and Travis Benjamin destroyed the seam route. It'd be so Browns to miss this extra point. It's GOOD! This catch is short and it'll be a close decision for the Ravens. "Fail to draw the defense offside and take a delay of game penalty" was probably not one of the choices. And the punt was short, too? Jeez. Don't take a sack, Davis. Three and out. And then Schaub throws an interception. These teams are trash. Oh my GOD this clock management. And then Davis SLIDES INBOUNDS! This is terrible. At least their kicker's never missed. BLOCKED! The Ravens have it! He's got a block. He's...

Oh.

My.

God.














That is peak Browns. That will NEVER be topped.

Seriously, that's INCREDIBLE. (Ravens 33, Browns 27)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (11-0) — The beat continues
2. New England (10-1) — Running out of guys
3. Arizona (9-2) — Staying up
4. Cincinnati (9-2) — Nice rebound after two tough losses

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (2-9) — Is this really what you want, Los Angeles?
30. San Francisco (3-8) — Can't even win the moral victories
31. Tennessee (2-9) — The woman in the Nissan commercial damn sure isn't talking about this team
32. Cleveland (2-9) — The Factory of Sadness just got a new wing
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